What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
In the course of any relationship there are going to be hard times. Surviving those hardships can be difficult, particularly if a fallout of the difficulties is broken trust. Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship and once broken can be very hard to repair. In fact, certain betrayals and violations of trust can be so devastating that they leave partners wondering if they should stay or leave the marriage altogether.
Below is a question that came to Guy Stuff from someone wondering just that – should she stay or leave her marriage. Take a look at Heidi’s situation below and then my response. See if you can relate and what you can learn.
Reader Question:
I don't know if I should stay or leave my marriage. I have been with my spouse since May 2004. We recently got married November 2009. Feb 2010 I discovered he had been cheating on me since 2005 and tried sleeping with another woman but she would not sleep with him due to it being casual not exclusive.
Ever since I found out about the affair our marriage has been a roller coaster! I can't stop thinking about whether I should stay or leave my marriage. We have good days, we have a lot of bad days. He expects me to believe it was just one woman when I know that is a lie. I don't understand why he won't come clean about his past he has been caught already why not come clean so we can move on. He has only sought help through websites like this one but he has not made any effort to seek professional counseling for us or just himself. As with everything else in our relationship he can turn something that is his fault and somehow flips it on me, how it's my fault and everything wrong I'm doing. His complaints with me are that I think I'm perfect, I don't listen to him, I don't validate his feelings, I assume the worst in him. To be honest these are almost my exact complaints about him. We struggle a lot with the double standard issue. He is also very much controlling when things are not going his way he has to twist the topic in his favor so he has control. He has even started recording our conversations just so he can go back through the recording if he has to prove his point, this is just insane to me. Its insulting. This is so difficult, I just don't know if I should stay or leave. There is so much more but these are the current issues at hand that we can't get past. Plus that fact that I just don't feel I can get past the cheating all together. I'll never look at him the same." -Heidi N.
It’s clear that Heidi feels overwhelmed. There are many things going on in her marriage and most of them are far from healthy. It’s understandable that she would be considering leaving when the process of trying to sort through their problems and get to a healthy place seems so daunting. Leaving doesn’t have to be the only answer though, there still can be hope.
My Answer:
A lot of couples I work with in marriage counseling describe their relationship, emotions, and thoughts just like you - like a roller coaster. So it's no surprise that you're asking yourself, "Should I stay or leave my marriage?"
Before you decide whether to stay or leave your marriage, spend some time learning to recognize and change how you keep putting yourself on the roller coaster. Whether you stay or leave, you'll be better off for learning to change this about yourself.
Here are a couple of things to consider:
Answering the question "Should I stay or leave my marriage?" is very hard. At least don't make the mistake of deciding quickly, emotionally, or without the objective and experienced guidance of a professional counselor first.
Ending a marriage is a very big decision. And despite the fact that it can, at times, seem like the only solution, it’s really not. For many marriages the problems that seem impossible to overcome can actually be dealt with, resolved or fixed, and a happier and more evolved relationship can be waiting on the other side. It just takes time and effort – from both of you. So before you make the decision to leave your marriage, consider a few more things:
While the answers to these questions won’t tell you what to do, they can help provide some clarity for deciding your next steps – whatever they may be. What most people find if they are trying to decide whether to stay or leave their marriage is that taking the time to seek help and trying to repair thing is almost always worth it.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 22, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My husband complains about spending all his money on bills, constantly puts me down and looses his temper with our kids but when I try to talk to him he blames me
I love my husband more than anything else in my life. We have been together for 20 years, 15 year of it in the marriage with two beautiful children. My life has always revolved around him. He was my first boyfriend and first everything. Last year he had an affair with our good friend’s wife. The attraction start with her husband showing her and her pictures off to him. My husband wanted to have a foursome with them, I did not and was not comfortable at all. I told her and I thought she understood and was my friend. Her husband also did not want them to go behind his back and do anything but they did for a year. This has left me devastated, not only was I betrayed by my husband but also a very good friend, whom I thought was my best friend at that time. My husband tell me he loves me and I should not be insecure and he doesn’t want to get a divorce, but he still wants to be friends with both the husband and wife. He cares for her and her husband as a friend, my husband has never had friends that he was close to like them. It’s been 9 months and I cannot get over it. I have tried to be friends, but every time I see her I am devastated. I have tried talking to her, but she has gone behind my back and told my husband every time. This is not the first time he had an affair, he has an affair with his coworker for almost 10 years. He has also been with several other girls, but he doesn’t want to get any help. I am so confused. I really want my marriage to work. Please help!
Gina, "he doesn’t want to get any help." So why don't you get help by yourself? You've got some problems in your marriage that are bigger than that female friend and you've got to stop avoiding them if you want a healthier marriage. Go to a professional counselor for help with or without your husband. -Kurt
Whoa… that’s so sad for another person to do that to another person. I couldnt imagine anything like that, that must be a form of torture! That’s the worst pain, I’m sorry for anybody that has to go through that! Plain awful…
I have been married for 20years, My husband is an alcoholic he been drinking since 2004 its now 2019, I have tried talking asking him to stop he won't so I went to counseling and the counselor recommended I attend AlAnon I did. It didn't help him. Another piece to the story is he is abusive verbally, emotionally, and sexually. I always found myself walking on eggshells. Never knowing what to say or do. Four years ago I had an affair, it was selfish and impulsive. I guess i was looking for someone to save me from all of what i was dealing with. I was given a Diamond ring and promises . I cut the affair short decided I should stay in my marriage hoping he would change. He didn't he became more abusive . last July 2018 he came to the point that he started grabbing me and flinging me around the room. I called the police he was detained for 12 hours . We separated for a month he asked me back we tried to work on things. While he's still drinking everyday. Two months ago a women whom i known for 29 years told him about the affair. He's hurt I get that. The abusive has gotten worse I am called names I am slapped in the head while he makes me have sex with him. He tells me I am slut and a tramp, and nothing more than that,. for my room and board and use of the car, I have to perform sex acts. Everyday since he found out he has been doing these things to me. I am so depressed at times i just want don't want to live. He tell me that I show no remorse. And that I should try to be a better person. I have apologized many times and i and truly sorry. I have always taken care of every aspect of the home. he goes to work and comes home when he arrives his dinner is always available and served to him. . his only responsibly is taking the trash to the curb. our home is over 3000 sq ft. The other day he came in the door from work and yelled because I did not return the trash cans from the curb. He goes back and forth with the fact that he wants to stay together or divorce. He agreed to get help for the drinking but later said nope he would not . And will not agree to seek marriage counseling. I am so confused . He tells me I need a job I am almost 60 with no real skills haven't worked in 15 years
Hello Nik. You are in a difficult and dangerous situation. I understand it's scary and painful, but you need to take care of yourself and find somewhere safe. Abuse doesn't typically improve without intervention. Please look to your family, support system, or local resources to get help. Your safety is the most important thing at this moment. -Dr. Kurt
Problems are always their in marriages but that doesn't mean that we should break our relations. We usually heard that marriages are made in heaven. Then how can relation which is made in heaven is not right. So, need to be calm and work on these relations to make them successful.