There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Unfortunately, when it comes to cheating neither gender can claim the high ground. Married women have affairs just about as often as married men, although their reasons can sometimes be a bit different.
What an affair looks like for a married woman can also be different. A woman who cheats on her partner often goes about things differently than her male counterpart would. In fact, while the signs of a woman ready to cheat are generally there, most men fail to see them until it’s too late.
At Guy Stuff we work with both cheating wives and cheating husbands. What we prefer to do, however, is work with couples before cheating starts. Below you'll see a question from Ellen, a woman who beginning to question what it would be like to have an affair.
My answer to her follows.
Reader Question:
I need to know what married women affairs look like. I have been married to the same man for 26 marginally-happy, rocky years. I am 56 (but look 38-40), and he is 64. Neither of us has ever been a cheating spouse. However, I think of other men all the time. I have a severe crush on another man (who probably does not know). My question is: Do most married women have crushes on other men? -Ellen T.
Ellen’s question about having a “crush” is an important one. By calling her feelings a “crush” she allows herself to believe they’re innocent and harmless, rather than inappropriate and potentially harmful. What she doesn’t realize is that her thoughts and feelings have opened a door that may be hard to close if she’s not very careful.
My Answer:
Yes, this is what married women affairs can look like. No, I don't believe most married women have crushes on other men. But a lot of women aren't happy in their marriages, just like you. And as a result, they look for ways to get needs, that should be met by their husband inside the relationship, met outside the relationship and in ways that hurt the marriage.
Getting needs met outside the marriage can take many forms:
Most of these activities are good things, so it can be hard to see the problem. Where the problem arises is when these activities become excessive and/or are motivated by the wrong reasons (to meet needs that should be met within the marriage).
And just as many married men seek to get their needs met outside the relationship in these kinds of ways as do married women.
We all have needs. Our relationship with our spouse is meant to help meet many of these needs. Here are a couple of examples of needs we all have:
You need to re-examine your belief that neither of you is a cheating spouse. When we form emotional desires for and connections with others, such as the other man you have the crush on, we've become a cheating spouse. This is called an emotional affair and it's how most married women affairs start.
Talk with a marriage counselor and get some help to change your marriage. You've settled for too many years with a “marginally-happy” marriage, and you don't have to. By accepting a marriage that doesn't meet your needs, you're setting yourself up for making bad choices, such as having this crush on another man.
Although Ellen doesn’t identify herself as cheating or at this point feel she’s betrayed her marriage, she’s at best on a very slippery slope. The good news is that she’s at least questioning what she’s doing and has begun the process of getting help.
As I said earlier, women cheat just about as often as men. The difference is that women often cheat differently by being more focused on the emotional connection than the physical one, and can be more self-aware of what they're doing than men too. So, like Ellen, a woman may think about other men and even begin an emotional affair before ever starting a physical one.
While neither daydreaming about other people or becoming emotionally entangled with them isn’t okay, a self-aware woman might be able to catch herself before it’s gone too far and make changes.
If you can relate to Ellen, it’s probably time for you to make some changes too. The biggest and most important one is to talk to your partner. If you’re in this situation it’s almost certain that communication isn’t where is needs to be. So, start a conversation about the state of your relationship.
Remember, an affair is a symptom of problems and fixing those problems starts with talking.
Married women having affairs isn’t anything new. But a woman who can stop an affair before it ever starts can save both herself and her partner immeasurable heartache.
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll try to answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog at the bottom of the page so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published August 22, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My husband had an affair with his friends wife.it went on for a year ,i told him last year i was leaving after be called names and mentally abused for that time.He is controlling to the max. Money ,house and anything else.he wont go back to therapy and cares to much for what other people think and not at all for my feelings. he tried to start to go back and hang around she and her husband a fue months age her .I called his mom and it stopped. but i don't know what to do now . He so nice and some what sweet he still takes pot shoots at me .makes jokes about talking to his girl friend .If I say anything to him about it he gets mad. He will not cop to the affair at first he didn't say he it wasn't true then he said they just talked .The next week he recanted that. Now he rides the rim of telling but just cant get there. I so tired ,I am going to counseling for me . I had to take another job so I would have the money because he controls all of it. That happened when I accused him last year. He started telling me "if I take all the money away you'll leave" . It's messed up . now he's nice loving and more caring. But i don't trust him,last week i asked him why he had been lying to everyone about us going to counseling we have not been in a year and he's saying we are .He told me he didn't want people to know his wife was accusing him of having an affair. WHAT!!! I just set there. He flowed it up with "I did not have a affair, I know what It looked like, but it wasn't that" i laughed . and have not said anything again.I went to church and talked to the Pastor, I have been so mad and angry. I had to let it go. But in all of this I think I'm letting him go with it. He told me the other night "your going to leave me" .He will not be honest. I love him ,but sometimes love is not enough. Deep down I'm afraid of him . I used to be scared of him, but not now I don't know what happened there.He's a bully and argent always has been. Not as bad as before but it's still there . Oh Well ! at least i'm not in the place i was two months ago. .
Article writer wrote:
"No, I don't believe most married women have crushes on other men. But a lot of women aren't happy in their marriages"
--------------------------------- Oh yes women do.... have crushes on other men, all the time, even Christian women. Women just won't admit it to you all. No matter whether it's in a survey, to their friends, confidentially in a blog on line, or anywhere. women do not think that society will allow her to be that way. but women feel this all the time!
You ought to know that. That is common sense knowledge, but I guess men with their big egos think their women only have eyes for her one man. Ha! Women try to be fair and nice, as long as their husbands are playing fair. Women really do accept a lot of ____ from their men. Then one day, when she gets tired and fed up, she explodes with anger and resentment towards our husbands.
A man's ego tricks him into believing, that his woman is so happy with him, and would never look at another man and would not cheat and have an affair. That ego is something else.
Well, men, women are just like you all in some ways. Women need to be adored, honored, and respected, too. Wives need the same good treatment that men want. Men think that women should make all the adjustments for them. that is where relationships go wrong.
So, the next time you all read on one of those disturbing marriage blogs about wives,where the writer scolds, criticizes, exalts, and worships husbands, while telling women to do this and that according to some long listes, just know that this is wrong.
These marriage sites are causing women to get fed up and be filled with disgust and resentment for men, for husbands. Women are people too. Why in the world would some women create websites to scold and criticize wives? I expect men to be nasty to women, because men always have been that way, but when other women do this to the female gender, it is sad and deplorable.
Somebody out there who reads this, needs to stand up for fairness. Stand up for respect and honor for both men and women, not just men.
Even though the anti woman movement tells you all to scold and criticize, and blame women/wives, do not join them, this is destroying relationships, because women/wives are fed up.
That's funny but I was just thinking on the same lines recently, and realised that this is a male counseling website so most things said here are for the men. Hence, it would seem as though things are hard on us ladies...but probably there's another website that also caters for counseling women, and for the men who love them....??
That's funny what you just wrote. But, it does say "advice for men and the women who love them", doesn't it?
Don't you go and imitate what men say to women who comment the predominantly woman's sites. You don't have to question us ladies' motivation to comment. Try not to support what men say. Look on the sites about female menses cycles, or breastfeeding, women, or women discussing their labors. Some men are there trying to take over the conversation, but not one person says a word.
The men don't give a lecture when one of them comment on a woman's site. Men do defend each other. That's good too. I admire me for their strength in their gender.
theres alot of good men out there. And im one of them. I tried in every way possible to be there for my wife. I adored her, i was more then considerate of her feelings and emotions. And i felt no need to fantasize about other women. When she shut down for 6 months,no communication or intimacy or sex. I was patient and kind and understanding. I only had sexual feelings for her! And yes there are women that would make a website just to scald men. She turned my advance down because of stomach issues, and i understood. I left for work and forgot something, i was only out the door for 2 mins and came back to find her jerking off to porn! I never disrespected her that way..But she disrespected me and lied over and over. I was never a lazy or bad lover, i know because before she turned cold, when we did make love she had amazing orgasims, she was an female ejactulator so no she wasnt faking! Women are not so innocent! Men have actually come along way since the days of barbarions! Maybe you should get your facts straight before making statements like this one. And yes i left her after that. She wouldnt open up or talk or get marriage counsling. She did say later that she only did all those things because she was taught thats what a married woman is supposed to do. Her mom told her these things