Do all men really want a younger woman? Learn more here.
Has your husband lost his job? It’s not only scary and devastating for him, but for you, too. There are so many things men go through when they lose a job, many of which women don’t really consider or maybe don’t even realize.
In 2008, my husband lost his job for the first time. The company he worked for went out of business. It was unbelievably scary. We had a preschooler and a new baby, lived in new city near no one we knew, and even if we were ready for me to go back to work, it wouldn’t have mattered because childcare costs were much more than I would have made.
He blanketed the region with his resume and literally received no responses or calls. He was crushed. It was hard for him to wrap his head around sending out 50 resumes and not getting a single response or call.
Logically, he knew he wasn't the only one who couldn't find anything. The economy was tanking and a lot of people were looking for jobs, but that didn’t matter. He still felt worthless.
How my husband felt is far from unique - most men feel the same things when they lose their job. It has happened to us three times since then. Each time, it’s just as scary, and he goes through all the same things.
What Kurt Thinks:
"Being in control is very important for a man. When your husband lost his job he also lost some control over his life. Understanding this can help you to be more understanding of why he feels they way he feels. It's also helpful to recognize that a job is more than just a job to a man - it's who he is as a man."
All of these things aren’t just good for getting through the day once your husband lost his job, they will help immensely when he lands an interview, too. They should help him feel better about himself, make it easier to convey a positive image and help him to concentrate on the future he wants to build with you. It can be really hard to watch your husband struggle, but with understanding and perseverance you can get through it together.
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This is a good article and I understand it is being posted for a men's forum. However, I do not find these issues are gender specific. Many women carry the higher paying salary depending on the field that each partner is in. "It's also helpful to recognize that a job is more than just a job to a man- it is who he is as a man". This is a stereotypical statement, as not all men are defined by their work or by being a provider. The meaning that ones work takes on, and the driven nature of the worker, regardless of gender, affect the meaning the job loss takes on.
Annie, I agree that some of these items are gender neutral, like fear about loss of money or benefits, or humiliation. For me, though, the humiliation would probably be more tied to the actual loss of not being able to send my kids to nice summer camps or participate in expensive club sports or whatever a loss of income might bring rather than a genuine sense of inadequacy. That's just me though. I'm sure everyone is different. In my case, I earned slightly more than my spouse when we married and 3 years ago he lost his job, while I've gone on to receive promotions and earn even more. I do think it matters to him. I sometimes hear little remarks when I ask financial questions? Can we put a little extra in our daughters college account this year? Or do you think we should fly to CA to visit my family? I hear responses like, you earn all the money right now; you decide. It's annoying. It's not like I want to be the only one with a pay check.
I think my spouse can relate to some of the feelings presented in the article, particularly inadequacy. My husband has been unemployed for just over 3 years. He has had some health issues, but it has been very frustrating since he's not disabled. He has a lot of migraines and some nausea and when they do MRI's they noted multiple brain lesions. They've ruled out seizures, MS and other serious neuro conditions. It's been very frustrating. I've been the sole provider during this time. He comes to sleep at 3 a.m., hours after me. Has little interest in physical intimacy. He's been to dozens of doctors and since he's been so wrapped up in his neuro symptoms it's been very hard to address the lack of physical intimacy and when I have it has resulted in him getting upset so I drop it. I'm only 36 and fairly attractive so I sort of feel like I'm married to someone who is giving up on life. He's intelligent and funny, but I think very depressed, has a medical issue and it's hard for me to cope now. I long for the normal days when we had 2 great incomes and he had a libido. We still have fun every few weeks and go on dates without kids, but he would rather get a root canal than be intimate.
My husband left me for his highschool sweetheart. I was devastated and recovering from spinal fusion surgery ( 1 day after surgery he left) next day come back tells me he was laid off, he expected me to feel sorry for him... All i could do was look at him and ask " why are you here"?? I don't know if he had a midlife crisis or if he's just a Narcissist. Good God! What a self absorbed #&*@¢×£
My husband lost his job this past April, just after we moved cross country to a different state with our 3 children. He has decided he is not going to go back to work,but will take his shot at Real Estate Investing. The problem is he is not disciplined enough to start a business. He is short-tempered and angry all the time. I know that he feels depressed. Money is a big concern because we are barely making it. This move was supposed to be good for our family. Now everyday is a nightmare. He's angry at me, angry at the kids. We are all losing hope. All our dreams are gone. We could deal with the money part of it, if we didn't have to deal with his anger.
Hi Anne, It sounds like you and your family are going through a very stressful time. Losing a job is hard on everyone in the family. Add a move and a new business venture into the equation and it just compounds things.
It is likely that your husband is feeling scared and anxious about the future. And you are right, probably depressed as well. That being said, he shouldn't take is anger out on you and the kids. It's not entirely surprising though, people tend to lash out at those they are closest too. Try taking a gentle approach and let him know you are in this together. See if making a plan as a couple for how you are going to handle things financually helps to ease his mind and take some pressure off. During this conversation you can point out that it only makes things worse for all of you when he gets angry and takes it out on the family. You might point out as well that the kids need to feel safe and that feeling comes from how you as a family treat each other. My best wishes to you and your family. -Dr. Kurt