Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Most people think a verbally abusive relationship is easy to spot. After all, we all can see it when it's happening in someone else's relationship, but it's much more difficult to see in our own.
Just like it's hard to recognize that we're in a verbally abusive relationship, it's also very hard to see the impact and result. Most often people have been in an abusive relationship for a long time and so it becomes normal. Also, the relationship doesn't typically start out being verbally abusive, nor does it suddenly become one overnight, rather it's almost always a gradual change that makes the behavior even harder to recognize.
What's the impact and result of being in a verbally abusive relationship? There can be a number of effects, but here are 3 common and significant ones (these are also signs that you're in such a relationship):
What's brainwashing? Here's the definition from Dictionary.com: "A method for systematically changing attitudes or altering beliefs; any method of controlled systematic indoctrination, especially one based on repetition or confusion." Brainwashing changes what you think and believe.
One impact of a verbally abusive relationship is the brainwashing that occurs over time leads the victim to question his or her thoughts and beliefs. They become confused about what is true and real. The lies that have been told to them become the truth, not what they personally believe. A common lie that verbal abusers use is telling you that you're the problem, are bad, flawed, inadequate, unlovable -- something like, "If you weren't so _______, I wouldn't have to _______."
Partners who are verbally abusive can be loving one minute and very hurtful the next. The result for the victim is mixing up what loving behavior really looks like. You want to believe they love you, and you feel like they do at times, so you tell yourself they love you even though the truth of their unloving actions is that they don't.
The reality that your partner isn't loving towards you is a truth that's really painful and hard to accept, so people twist things around in their head so they don't have to believe it. One of the ways they do this is by over focusing on the few loving acts in the relationship and minimizing or ignoring the large number of unloving acts. Real love is something you experience and feel every day, not something your partner tells you or writes in a card once in awhile.
The purpose of any kind of abuse is power and control. Relationships that are verbally abusive exist for this reason. It may be hard to understand why your partner would need to do that, but it is part of what drives their behavior.
A very common result of verbal abuse is that over time the victim loses himself or herself. Their self-identity, self-worth, and ability to stand up for themselves slowly disappears. And when you no longer value yourself the abuser has won.
Here's a real-life example of these three outcomes:
All these years he blamed me, from the very beginning he would scream at me saying the most horrible and vial things, telling me that I was a prude and that if I wasn't so utterly useless he wouldn't have to do it in the first place. It was a rather horrific pattern of verbal and emotional abuse and the problem is I didn't even see it for what it was until about 6 months ago. He had convinced me a very long time ago that I was the one with the problem, he was normal, it was my fault and if I hadn't been so prudish and wasn't so useless he wouldn't be doing it. My self esteem, self worth and my entire sense of self had been systematically destroyed by the emotional and verbal abuse. I let him do this to me, I stayed and that makes me just as culpable. I don't know if am madder at myself or at him. I knew he was cheating every day when he did it and I was letting him abuse me verbally and I swore I would never be one of those women. People that know me would tell you that couldn't ever happen to me. He wasn't this way when I married him, it's what it turned him into." -Alexi
While it may be easier to think of a man as being verbally abusive, the truth is that both men and women can be the abuser in a verbally abusive relationship. I am counseling a man right now whose wife accuses him of being verbally abusive to her and he is, but she does it to him too. So it's even possible for both partners to be doing it at the same time.
If you think you might be in a verbally abusive relationship, please talk to a professional counselor. While it may not be difficult to understand these three results, it can be hard to recognize and accept that they describe you. An experienced counselor can be invaluable in helping you learn how to deal with and change a relationship that's verbally abusive.
Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and not always a bad one. It can nudge us to do better, apologize when we’re wrong, and keep us from being deceptive. But when guilt is used as a tool to control or shame someone, or to maintain the upper hand in a relationship, it becomes dangerous and detrimental to emotional health.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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i have been married for last 10 years and its a total disaster.it was an arrnged marriage but i did verything a man could possibly do to mke her happy from overeas travl.i live in a very nice big house i got 3 lovely kids and i got a very stable job but my wife biggest problem is she has the worst case anger and rage.she can destroy things physiaccly assault me .our dughter has been traumatized repatedly by her actions but she has never abused my daughter.she has chaesd away 5 domestic helper we had in our house.her bigget enemy is my mother because i am close to her.she has abused my mother verbally repated times with vulgar name calling.evry figjht is about her and my poor mother is not staying with us.i just lost my father less than a year ago and my wife is remorseless.she has no friens she has no respect for anyoone in my family but our neighbou=r s whom are all my friends she is very nice to them.she has a jekyl and hyde character.i am so worried of our children.already my daughter does not answer when i cakll her name and i can see she does not run and come and hug me after work as she used to do a year ago.what do i do?
Your situation sounds complicated and I don't know enough about it to give you specific advice in the limited space of this forum. Find a professional counselor you can talk to, or you can reach out to me by clicking the Services or Contact links at the top of the page. - Dr. Kurt
I have come to this website as I was doing research on verbal abuse. I am in a bit of a dilemma and at breaking point. I am only recently married, for a mere 6 months. When we were courting, we also had a tumultuous relationship as well. I believe all the signs you have posted here are all the signs I go through with my husband. I do believe he has a psychological problem now as what else can it be. He used to be on drugs, but went to rehab for it. to my knowledge he is clean but who really knows if he is, only him I guess. Within 2 weeks we separated. he totally flipped, locked me in my room and refused me from leaving the house and going home. After 3 month separation we moved in with my parents. Its been 2 months. First month was fine, we were happy. Second month, poof, its horrible. He calls me useless and a whole lot of other stuff. Tells me I make him do it and say these things out of anger. We are both 35years, this is the first marriage for the both of us. Also, I have a Masters' degree and so because I am well educated, and he is a car salesman (the only job he could get), then he constantly picks on it. He tells me I only got married because of my age. Partially true but not entirely. I got married because I wanted to. I wanted to have a companion and love and be loved. I feel like a failure because my parents are not the greatest at being supportive. We are Indian, Muslim so culturally and traditionally all this goes against it. We are on the brink on divorce and told him I would like to go separate ways. There is only so much a woman can really take, honestly, it really is. I abuse as well, I wont lie. If he's swearing me I swear him back. Then I see its getting out of hand and that is when I become scared for my life and I just keep quiet and wait for him to finish. problem is he still goes at it the next morning. Just don't know what to do here.
Amy, Any kind abuse, including verbal, is detrimental and dangerous. It sounds like you and your husband are facing some serious issues. They will not go away on their own. I would recommend you seek the assistance of a professional counselor before these issues go any further. If you would like to reach out to me, my contact info can be found at the top and bottom of the page. Be safe. - Dr. Kurt