Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Most people think a verbally abusive relationship is easy to spot. After all, we all can see it when it's happening in someone else's relationship, but it's much more difficult to see in our own.
Just like it's hard to recognize that we're in a verbally abusive relationship, it's also very hard to see the impact and result. Most often people have been in an abusive relationship for a long time and so it becomes normal. Also, the relationship doesn't typically start out being verbally abusive, nor does it suddenly become one overnight, rather it's almost always a gradual change that makes the behavior even harder to recognize.
What's the impact and result of being in a verbally abusive relationship? There can be a number of effects, but here are 3 common and significant ones (these are also signs that you're in such a relationship):
What's brainwashing? Here's the definition from Dictionary.com: "A method for systematically changing attitudes or altering beliefs; any method of controlled systematic indoctrination, especially one based on repetition or confusion." Brainwashing changes what you think and believe.
One impact of a verbally abusive relationship is the brainwashing that occurs over time leads the victim to question his or her thoughts and beliefs. They become confused about what is true and real. The lies that have been told to them become the truth, not what they personally believe. A common lie that verbal abusers use is telling you that you're the problem, are bad, flawed, inadequate, unlovable -- something like, "If you weren't so _______, I wouldn't have to _______."
Partners who are verbally abusive can be loving one minute and very hurtful the next. The result for the victim is mixing up what loving behavior really looks like. You want to believe they love you, and you feel like they do at times, so you tell yourself they love you even though the truth of their unloving actions is that they don't.
The reality that your partner isn't loving towards you is a truth that's really painful and hard to accept, so people twist things around in their head so they don't have to believe it. One of the ways they do this is by over focusing on the few loving acts in the relationship and minimizing or ignoring the large number of unloving acts. Real love is something you experience and feel every day, not something your partner tells you or writes in a card once in awhile.
The purpose of any kind of abuse is power and control. Relationships that are verbally abusive exist for this reason. It may be hard to understand why your partner would need to do that, but it is part of what drives their behavior.
A very common result of verbal abuse is that over time the victim loses himself or herself. Their self-identity, self-worth, and ability to stand up for themselves slowly disappears. And when you no longer value yourself the abuser has won.
Here's a real-life example of these three outcomes:
All these years he blamed me, from the very beginning he would scream at me saying the most horrible and vial things, telling me that I was a prude and that if I wasn't so utterly useless he wouldn't have to do it in the first place. It was a rather horrific pattern of verbal and emotional abuse and the problem is I didn't even see it for what it was until about 6 months ago. He had convinced me a very long time ago that I was the one with the problem, he was normal, it was my fault and if I hadn't been so prudish and wasn't so useless he wouldn't be doing it. My self esteem, self worth and my entire sense of self had been systematically destroyed by the emotional and verbal abuse. I let him do this to me, I stayed and that makes me just as culpable. I don't know if am madder at myself or at him. I knew he was cheating every day when he did it and I was letting him abuse me verbally and I swore I would never be one of those women. People that know me would tell you that couldn't ever happen to me. He wasn't this way when I married him, it's what it turned him into." -Alexi
While it may be easier to think of a man as being verbally abusive, the truth is that both men and women can be the abuser in a verbally abusive relationship. I am counseling a man right now whose wife accuses him of being verbally abusive to her and he is, but she does it to him too. So it's even possible for both partners to be doing it at the same time.
If you think you might be in a verbally abusive relationship, please talk to a professional counselor. While it may not be difficult to understand these three results, it can be hard to recognize and accept that they describe you. An experienced counselor can be invaluable in helping you learn how to deal with and change a relationship that's verbally abusive.
Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and not always a bad one. It can nudge us to do better, apologize when we’re wrong, and keep us from being deceptive. But when guilt is used as a tool to control or shame someone, or to maintain the upper hand in a relationship, it becomes dangerous and detrimental to emotional health.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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Great article Kurt, just tweeted this. Very true, verbal abusing does make an huge impact on relationships, I myself was not aware of this thing, but when I get it, I promised myself to change this destructive behavior, and that change made a huge impact on my life including my lifestyle and relationship. Thanks again Kurt 🙂
Akshay, Thanks for sharing and the kind words. Good for you for realizing you needed to make a change and then taking action on it! Best wishes. -Kurt
I try not to be too strict with my kids. But as the dad I'm always the one who seems to have to be the bad guy when it's time to discipline...so my wife tells me one day, that they ask me why I married you...so the other day when she wasn't around I asked him and his brother...."what does mommy say when you ask her why she married me?" Without batting an eye instantly he says, "she said because she needs the money."
So exactly how do I begin that convo with the wifey? :/
Jon, That's a bit unsettling that a parent would tell their child that. We are our children's teachers about how relationships work. Obviously this is more complicated than can be truly addressed here, so I would recommend professional marriage counseling to get to the root cause of what the real issues are and try to work on things from there. Even if your wife won't go with you at first, once you start going, she may change her mind - usually the other spouse wants a chance to tell their side of the story. -Kurt
WOW, This article really opens my eyes to what I am really up against. Its like you wrote about me. I have to print this off in order to prove to myself its not me. Its not me!
Mark, Glad you found the article helpful. You're definitely not alone. -Kurt
Good morning I am a verbal abuser. My wife told me she wanted to leave 3 weeks ago and I was stunned. I didn't understand what I was doing or how she felt. I was hard and cold to her, especially after I son was diagnosed with autism. I blamed a lot of things on her. Not she wants me out of the house. I begged her for forgiveness.... pleaded. Until 3 weeks ago I really did not understand the level of pain she was going through. She said that she had not felt loved in 3 years... I was so shocked. I have started individual counseling by myself... inhabe done two sessions.. inhabe discovered that what I was doing was learned as a child. Coming from a poor/homeless background made me way to aware of danger. As a result as an adult I needed to know everything, I needed to figure out everybody. I never knew I was this way and that that this type of behavior doesn't not allow a person to have personal space. My wife's says she loves me but she absolutely doesn't trust me. She cut all of her feelings off to me. It tears me a part but I brought it in myself. For 3 years or sounds she hinted for me to get help. I denied it... over and over. She told me she wild leave before but I begged for her back we would have sex and t was over... but this time she is serious... she has not backed down... I will be moving out in two weeks... I'm so scared. She has already discussed Darin "i the opportunity presents itself". But she told me she would get individual counseling. She is so against marriage counseling because she feels it's a trap to force her back in the marriage. In counseling I'm learn how to respect people's space. It difficult because my fear of the know cause me to want to control things. I feed so bad... and I'm scared that even if I do change she will be gone.. she told me I hurt her so bad and I finally understand... smh... we are kinda talking but I ask to many questions... like do you want a divorce or are we just seprating? I ask do I have a chance and she says she doesn't know she feels confused. I truely love her though, she is not a possession. My compulsion to control everything in my space has ruined my life and my marriage. She was so good to me and never cursed not once. I have been married for 7 years with her for 11. She will be 35 next year I will be 37 tomorrow. It like she wants me fine before she hits 35... I never hit her.
Greg, That's great you're both in counseling and working on your issues. Don't give up hope. Change takes time, so be patient with yourself and her -let her see the changes you're making, and gain trust that they are real. -Kurt
Greg, it is commendable that you are able to take that amazing first step of becoming aware that your words or actions were "verbally abusive." My heart goes out to you as you seem to sincerely wish to reconcile with your wife. I have never commented publicly like this, but your story compels me to reach out to you out of what I hope you will perceive as nothing but kindness and best wishes for recovery in your own life and marriage. Reading through your comments, several statements stick out which make me think it may be very likely that you too, not just your son, have some amount of Autism or Aspbergers along the spectrum. The need to figure people out, not knowing your actions were affecting a person's personal space, and especially your "compulsion to control everything in your space" all point to a possibility of Autism. Since you are seeing a counselor, please ask to be tested. It may explain a lot and you will be able to learn better social skills. I hope so much that your wife will see that in your heart you want to love her in the way she needs. Please get tested for Aspergers and if this has led to many behavior for which you were not aware, I pray your wife will have compassion and be willing to walk that journey with you.
Hello I just recently got into a new relationship with a new boy friend who is very mentally ill. And I can't loose him. I have lost enough people in my life. And don't know what to do. I need advise on this. He has never hit me. I think he is very sick. Is this worth saving.
Jane, I can't advise on this without knowing you or him. It would be a good idea for him to seek out professional help. You say he hasn't hit you, but if he's come close, you should know where a local women's shelter is and keep the national hotline number for help 24/7: 800-799-7233. Be smart and remove yourself from any dangerous situations if they arise. -Kurt