Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Adam was busted.
Months of avoiding, hiding, and lying came to an end when Lori found all the email messages. She confronted him about who the woman was and he admitted he was having an affair. This was the last straw and more than she could take any longer. Her mind was made up – it’s over. Time for a marriage separation, even if that meant they had to find a way to tell the kids.
She told him to pack his bags and get out."Before you leave," she added, "you need to tell the kids." After all, this was happening because of him so he should have to be the bad guy and explain things to them.
Adam called Guy Stuff in a panic. He said he needed to talk with a marriage counselor ASAP. He didn't want to tell his kids and didn't want the marriage separation to affect them. But any changes to a marriage is going to affect the kids, there’s no getting around that.
When we talked, Adam was convinced, as was Lori, that the kids knew nothing about what was going on. They both said they hadn't fought or discussed anything in front of them.
I explained to him why they were wrong about their kids not knowing anything. Kids know when things aren't right between their parents, and most of the time they have known for a long time. They don't know the details, but they know – kids can just feel it.
Children are connected to the parents in a very unique way. The same way you as a parent can often tell when there is something off with your child, kids can tell when there is something off with their parents and family too. And, let’s face it, as adults we think we’re good at masking our feelings, but we’re not.
Unhappiness, tension, worry, anger, and pain are hard to hide. Especially when they’re infused with the kind of emotion that comes from a relationship that has taken a wrong turn. There are many micro-signs of these feelings that you aren’t even aware of – but those around you, including your kids, can see and feel them.
Adam and I talked about why the best thing parents can do in a marriage separation is to be honest with their kids. It's damaging to children to tell them that things are fine when they can feel that they aren't. This confuses them and makes it hard for them to trust what they feel and think; which can have horrible consequences on their ability to make good decisions as they get older.
Each situation is different and there is no parenting manual on precisely the right way to handle discussing such a big and likely painful change to their world as their parents separating. No matter what you do this will be a very hard conversation. There are, however, a few things you can do to make sure they feel safe and loved, which is the most important outcome of this conversation.
Here are some general guidelines for how to tell your kids their parents are separating:
With some guidance in marriage counseling, Adam and Lori successfully told their kids that he was leaving temporarily, and they did it together. If you’ve decided on a marriage separation, you can do it too.
If you've ever separated, how did you tell your kids? Share your story in the comments below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 26th, 2009. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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This a very difficult subject to deal with. Kids do not always understand. The trick is to find a way to explain life to kids so that they will understand. I have found kids books which roleplay lifes challenges as a very useful source
My husband of almost 17 yrs decided on a whim that HE was moving out 2 weeks ago tomorrow. The sad thing was, he had known for A LOT longer than the 8 hr. notice he gave me via text message the night before the actual DAY he left. In the text he'd told me that HE was going to tell the kids that next day himself in an effort to not have any "finger pointing" he said. However, when he told the kids he was leaving...he told them the reason was because "mommy wasn't happy when he lived here" which my kids later informed me of as they were asking me why I had to be SO mean to their dad. Of course this all happened VERY fast...I hardly had time to process it. Now looking back I wish we BOTH would have sat down and told them about it and maybe even talked to one another first to discuss how to best execute it. He claims it's only for 3 months so he can have some time to "think"...however I don't feel it's fair to me OR the kids that he gets to live the whole summer basically single while he decides whether the marriage is worth fighting for. So far our kids are taking it in stride. My 11 yr. old daughter is probably taking it the hardest as she is a daddy's girl and just doesn't handle change very well...especially change of this magnitude.
Angela, You're right in that you both should have talked to your kids together. Read some of the articles in the Midlife Crisis section on the right of this page as you may find some of them helpful. -Kurt
You're right, kids don't always understand. Good suggestion that the right book can be a helpful tool. Most importantly, we need to remember that whole thing has a completely different meaning for them than it does us. Being mindful of this can help us give them the extra patience and support they need at this time.
My parents were divorced when i was in the second grade. They didnt tell me what was going on, i just knew they were getting a divorce. I didnt know what that meant. I believe that it would have been so different if they had just sat me down and said, " Hey were getting a divorce. That means daddy and mommy wont live together anymore. We both still love you and we will be here whenever you need us, we will just be living in a different place." That would have made a huge difference in my life growing up.
Ande, Thanks for sharing your story. I hope other parents will learn from it and not do the same to their kids. -Kurt
My kids found out from my wife's brother and sister that she was divorcing me and moving four hours away to live with the two of them and their Grandmother. She handed me the divorce filing when we were downtown (in separate cars) and immediately left to go home.
Our daughter slammed the door in her face when she showed up She left three hours after she handed me the divorce filing (there had been no previous talk of divorce), and I had to bring the kids together immediately afterwards to explain that this was between their mother and had nothing to do with them.
They are old enough to drive, and have seen their mother three times for a few day at a time in 18 months. She won't visit them or call them.
Please don't do this to your kids; there is no reason to be cruel to them, even if you hate your husband (and no, I didn't cheat on her or beat her, although I must be a terrible father, because she reminded me repeatedly that our deceased daughter was my least favorite, and kept reminding me about how poorly I treated her while she was alive).