Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
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Paula’s husband and friends have nicknamed her “Kate.” Not because it’s short for Katherine or because she reminds them of the Princess, but because she acts like the famous controlling wife Kate Gosselin from the TV show Jon & Kate Plus 8.
It’s a joke, she told me, as she laughed it off, but it looked to me like, underneath the laughter, the name really hurt her.
Paula acknowledged being controlling and knows that’s what the name means.
Like Kate Gosselin, she says, she likes to get her way.
She also says there are many reasons why “getting her way” is important to her. It’s not purely selfish, which is what most people assume.
In Paula’s mind, she’s trying to do the best for her family, but her husband, Brian, doesn’t always see it that way. In fact, they argue about her intentions quite frequently.
They’re not alone.
Controlling behavior causes problems in many marriages and, taken to the extreme, is a form of abuse. In fact, when it comes to abuse perpetrated by women, controlling and manipulative behavior are the primary forms.
Could your wife (or you) be guilty of being a controlling wife like Kate (and Paula)?
Brian says he hates how Paula treats him. It makes him feel like less of a man and as though she has no respect for him.
This is not only painful, it’s also embarrassing.
She’s constantly,
It makes him feel like she thinks he’s an idiot and incapable of handling life in general.
And it also makes him feel like there’s no way for him to make her happy.
Not knowing how to deal with his controlling wife, he just started calling her “Kate.”
Initially, he said it to lessen the tension and get her to back off, but then it stuck, and the implications became more serious and more hurtful.
Not surprisingly, Brian’s sarcastic humor hasn’t helped change Paula’s behavior. In fact, it’s made her angry, and she’s lashed back at him by being even more of a control freak.
His sarcasm and her need to control the world around her, making sure everyone is “okay,” has only made their marriage ten times worse. So, Brian and Paula eventually came to marriage counseling for some help.
Controlling behavior can seem manipulative and abusive. And at times it can be one or both of these.
What people don’t often understand about controlling behavior is that it usually is a form of self-preservation.
An individual’s desire to control their environment can be driven by the need to make the world feel right and safe.
This need and the resulting actions can significantly impact the people around them and not in a positive way. No matter whether the intentions are good or not, controlling behavior isn’t healthy or okay. In fact, it can be the cause of a lot of pain in a relationship, as is evident in Brian and Paula’s situation.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Control issues in a relationship aren’t uncommon.
If you think you’re married to a controlling wife too, here are two things you can begin to do:
Controlling behavior is usually a defense mechanism, which is a method our minds develop to deal with circumstances that make us uncomfortable.
In the case of controlling behavior, it's a way to cope with living in a chaotic and unpredictable world. There's very little in this world that is within our control. That can be difficult to accept.
People who exhibit this behavior often attempt to calm their emotions by trying to control things around them.
Most controlling people are fearful and anxious about the world they live in. They try to lessen these uncomfortable feelings by imposing their will and wishes on everyone around them. Knowing how the person likely feels on the inside can help you see past their outward behavior and be more understanding of what's happening.
Controlling you is really about controlling their feelings.
Boundaries are limits you place on how that person can treat you. The natural world around us requires boundaries, and we need them to function properly, too.
Setting boundaries can be very unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Keep in mind that control freaks aren’t used to dealing with boundaries, so they usually rebel against them. And setting boundaries can be seen as lacking empathy or just another form of control, even though they’re actually neither.
Controlling behavior is difficult for everyone involved, which is why it’s important to recognize the underlying reasons people who are controlling act that way.
A controlling wife like Kate or Paula is likely to have internal issues that need to be dealt with and may need your help and support to do so. Helping them will mean you’ll need to go slow and be patient. These behaviors don’t change overnight.
Remember,
Controlling behavior shouldn’t simply be accepted. Left unchecked it can grow and slowly cross the line into becoming abusive. If that happens it will only compound the problems needing to be addressed and make changing the behavior much more difficult.
If you’re dealing with a controlling wife you’ll both need time to learn the new rules and that playing by them can be better for everybody -- even for your "Kate."
Got a controlling wife in your life? Please tell us how you deal with her behavior in the comments below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 10, 2009, updated June 19, 2018 and December 31, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and not always a bad one. It can nudge us to do better, apologize when we’re wrong, and keep us from being deceptive. But when guilt is used as a tool to control or shame someone, or to maintain the upper hand in a relationship, it becomes dangerous and detrimental to emotional health.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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Man, I thought I was the only one in a love less marrage. I so happy that a found this site. I just google controlling wife and WOW! My wife is a control freak. But she know that I won't leave my son.
I have had this post active for almost an entire year. Man what a ride; two protection orders against me, her filing divorce, too many nasty quarrells to count, on and on and on. Why don't I just leave her? Lots of reasons two of them are my grand kids that she has guardianship over. It wasn't until our relationship boiled over that I found out how much she lies. But, the experience keeps me checking my behavior. I am convenced the Devil keeps trying to cause disaray so God will not get the glory. But, he always does anyway. The Bible states God hates divorce. So, I try to remain faithful to the teachings of Jesus. One of those lessons is he never married. So, I try to seek his wisdom and teachings otherwise. I try to key in on my wife's insecurities and help her with those issues; without her knowing it of course. Then when she does misbehave, I try not to get on her level. That is extremely hard for me to do.
Your controlling.. you have all the traits. Its not natural for people to be controlled
I wrote a previous post but I was just feeling stressed from things. I was in a relationship with a very nice person but at times controlling, she was helpful in other ways though. For me my biggest draw back was taking medication to deal with some depression/anxiety and it started when I mentioned to a coworker that I was dealing with the above issue that included anxiety. That wasn't good because the person offered me some meds he was on and I should never have taken more than one after experiencing a severe headache.
Going on meds was a mild disaster and created more problems than it solved. Control is never a good thing to experience and it takes a lot of communication to work past those traits and therapy is highly recommended as opposed to medication that seems unlikely to fix anything beyond needed more of it. It's nice to be able to vent about frustration that one can experience when dealing with some control issues and looking back I would've never touched meds if a coworker hadn't offered me some of theirs. Thanks for the helpful site!
Rod, Thanks for the kind words and I'm glad you found the blog helpful. -Dr. Kurt
I am amazed at the number of men who don't know how to deal with a "controlling" wife. Medication is certainly not the answer and neither is divorce. But neither is it realistic to ignore the respective personalities involved. It takes two to have a "controlling" marriage and while the men here seem to want to blame the wife, too few are willing to look honestly in the mirror. When the wife has a stronger will than the husband, which is the predominantly the case here, each must adjust to this reality. Problems arise when either or both act in denial of this genuine and potentially healthy dynamic in their marriage. Instead of fighting it, both spouses need to learn how to indulge and enjoy it. Life is too short for whining about reality. Come on, boys, you married her for a reason.