Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
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Paula’s husband and friends have nicknamed her “Kate.” Not because it’s short for Katherine or because she reminds them of the Princess, but because she acts like the famous controlling wife Kate Gosselin from the TV show Jon & Kate Plus 8.
It’s a joke, she told me, as she laughed it off, but it looked to me like, underneath the laughter, the name really hurt her.
Paula acknowledged being controlling and knows that’s what the name means.
Like Kate Gosselin, she says, she likes to get her way.
She also says there are many reasons why “getting her way” is important to her. It’s not purely selfish, which is what most people assume.
In Paula’s mind, she’s trying to do the best for her family, but her husband, Brian, doesn’t always see it that way. In fact, they argue about her intentions quite frequently.
They’re not alone.
Controlling behavior causes problems in many marriages and, taken to the extreme, is a form of abuse. In fact, when it comes to abuse perpetrated by women, controlling and manipulative behavior are the primary forms.
Could your wife (or you) be guilty of being a controlling wife like Kate (and Paula)?
Brian says he hates how Paula treats him. It makes him feel like less of a man and as though she has no respect for him.
This is not only painful, it’s also embarrassing.
She’s constantly,
It makes him feel like she thinks he’s an idiot and incapable of handling life in general.
And it also makes him feel like there’s no way for him to make her happy.
Not knowing how to deal with his controlling wife, he just started calling her “Kate.”
Initially, he said it to lessen the tension and get her to back off, but then it stuck, and the implications became more serious and more hurtful.
Not surprisingly, Brian’s sarcastic humor hasn’t helped change Paula’s behavior. In fact, it’s made her angry, and she’s lashed back at him by being even more of a control freak.
His sarcasm and her need to control the world around her, making sure everyone is “okay,” has only made their marriage ten times worse. So, Brian and Paula eventually came to marriage counseling for some help.
Controlling behavior can seem manipulative and abusive. And at times it can be one or both of these.
What people don’t often understand about controlling behavior is that it usually is a form of self-preservation.
An individual’s desire to control their environment can be driven by the need to make the world feel right and safe.
This need and the resulting actions can significantly impact the people around them and not in a positive way. No matter whether the intentions are good or not, controlling behavior isn’t healthy or okay. In fact, it can be the cause of a lot of pain in a relationship, as is evident in Brian and Paula’s situation.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Control issues in a relationship aren’t uncommon.
If you think you’re married to a controlling wife too, here are two things you can begin to do:
Controlling behavior is usually a defense mechanism, which is a method our minds develop to deal with circumstances that make us uncomfortable.
In the case of controlling behavior, it's a way to cope with living in a chaotic and unpredictable world. There's very little in this world that is within our control. That can be difficult to accept.
People who exhibit this behavior often attempt to calm their emotions by trying to control things around them.
Most controlling people are fearful and anxious about the world they live in. They try to lessen these uncomfortable feelings by imposing their will and wishes on everyone around them. Knowing how the person likely feels on the inside can help you see past their outward behavior and be more understanding of what's happening.
Controlling you is really about controlling their feelings.
Boundaries are limits you place on how that person can treat you. The natural world around us requires boundaries, and we need them to function properly, too.
Setting boundaries can be very unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Keep in mind that control freaks aren’t used to dealing with boundaries, so they usually rebel against them. And setting boundaries can be seen as lacking empathy or just another form of control, even though they’re actually neither.
Controlling behavior is difficult for everyone involved, which is why it’s important to recognize the underlying reasons people who are controlling act that way.
A controlling wife like Kate or Paula is likely to have internal issues that need to be dealt with and may need your help and support to do so. Helping them will mean you’ll need to go slow and be patient. These behaviors don’t change overnight.
Remember,
Controlling behavior shouldn’t simply be accepted. Left unchecked it can grow and slowly cross the line into becoming abusive. If that happens it will only compound the problems needing to be addressed and make changing the behavior much more difficult.
If you’re dealing with a controlling wife you’ll both need time to learn the new rules and that playing by them can be better for everybody -- even for your "Kate."
Got a controlling wife in your life? Please tell us how you deal with her behavior in the comments below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 10, 2009, updated June 19, 2018 and December 31, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and not always a bad one. It can nudge us to do better, apologize when we’re wrong, and keep us from being deceptive. But when guilt is used as a tool to control or shame someone, or to maintain the upper hand in a relationship, it becomes dangerous and detrimental to emotional health.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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I have a dilema. My wife works for a Private Investigator. She is very controlling. I am not allowed to see my family. I have two sons from a previous marriage and she treats them like crap. She has a daughter who can do no wrong. And every time I stand up for myself she threatens to leave. She is pregnant and will say I will never see this baby and she will make sure of it because her boss is a ex sheriff and knows all the judges. I dont know what to do.
OMG so many guys have similar problems. I thought I was the only one. I had a love marriage where we discussed how will we deal with issues after marriage and how will we set boundaries. After marriage it went all out of window and i cant even speak to any of my friends n family about it. We dont have kids as a result of 3 miscarriages. My wife wants kids and is frustrated about it. Then she makes my life hell, i have spoken to her zillion times about it but all in vain. She controls every aspect of my life to an extent who i am chatting with, who did I text and why is this friend (female) texting you in the middle of night (8 pm). She never lets me out to socialise with my friends and if it happens sometime, then she will start calling me from 10 pm every 2 minutes and all hell breaks loose. I just am so tired of life as i never thought she will be like that. I just keep quite for the sake of peace otherwise our marriage would have broken just within 6 months.
I went through the same thing buddy. I had my wife talk to someone (psychotherapist) and now she is on Zoloft for major anxiety of things she can't control. It's like night and day when she takes them. She needs to talk to an outsider, someone neutral. As far as the baby is concerned, sorry to hear that. We tried and failed, so we are adopting. Good luck in your future. Remember divorce is the easy way out. Marriage is hard work. And being single sometimes does sound appealing, but then after a while you will want another female. And she will have her quirks (craziness). Stick with it and she will come out from under the rain cloud and bring you happiness once again. Best of luck!!
Google the website: "The Confident Man Project" - some good information for those that are lost (not my site-it's just helped me). For most men a controlling wife comes about due to insecurities in both of you that can't be fixed, you can only manage. You have to accept each other for who you are, after all you asked her to marry you. Generally a less-confident man is attracted to a controlling woman because she takes care of things that he cannot, so there is a certain amount of comfort in that, that traditionally was defined by societal roles that have now broken down. However it also means that either of you may not be self-fulfilled, which you both only realize later. A confident man looking for a healthy, co-operative relationship would run from such a woman once this was discovered during dating. If you feel trapped, she does to, so you will both need to discover boundaries that you can live with, so that she will feel confident and can let go. This can be especially difficult if you are care-free or less ambitious than she would like; and divorce maybe the only option.
Generally I think women change their opinions of men after marriage, which defines traditional roles and thereby traditional expectations, especially when it involves children, due to an innate need for "nesting". In a sense her life has been "given" up or tied to you as the breadwinner, so there is inherent risk on her part that is only resolved with expectations of financial and emotional performance that ensure "life-time" security; therefore her attitudes can change - before marriage a man who "generous" after marriage is a "spendthrift"; before he is "care-free", afterwards he is "unreliable".
A lot of men shut down when criticized, because engaging is just painful and devolves into an escalating confrontation whereby a man feels he is just defending himself against attack. The answer to this is to emotionally remove yourself from the hurtful comments, listen carefully and speak back exactly what she is saying to you as an affirmation of understanding. Delivering these positive strokes takes practice so that it doesn't come across as condescending, but this can give her comfort, so there maybe less confrontation but it won't stop completely because the underlying issue is unresolved. A lot of women don't know what they are really afraid of and can't tell you what the underlying issue is without a serious conversation that maybe beyond both your capabilities. If this doesn't work you can tackle bullying directly by secretly taping her (or better yet you both agree to tape your interactions) for future play-back to a counselor to help explain the dynamic to a third-party (not as a "gotcha").
A lot of women in this state require medication as they suffer from anxiety and depression. Studies of Morman marriages which have very defined traditional roles show that Morman wives are one of the highest percentages of users/abusers of medications. Some solutions that might help are: 1. get her out with her friends, or both of your friends/family more, so there is a more positive energy coming into the relationship (if she sees her own friends she can vent about you with them); 2. help get her employed so she can feel financially secure, or 3. back to school or a hobby so she can start to feel self-fulfilled. An honest discussion about her life as a quest for fun and meaning (and by extension your own) might help you both. Recognize that changing her outlook on life might mean that you will have more of a partner and not someone who managing things for you anymore.
Hope these suggestions help.
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. I came here for some stress relief. My husband & I are visiting his father & second wife who live abroad.
The second wife is very controlling & behaves like a toddler at times. She controls who he talks to, what he eats, how he should drive, she spends his money like it grows on trees, belittles him, calls him a derogatory nickname, blows up over the slightest thing etc. My husband & I can't imagine treating each other like that. We've tried talking to my father-in-law (FIL) about it as his first wife (my husband's mother) was/is also very controlling. I don't think he knows any other way. He puts up with the behaviour & even makes excuses for it.
For my husband & I, it's difficult to witness. We're into the second week of our stay & we don't know whether to say something to his wife or not when we see her being plain rude.
My FIL, like some of you, have gone from one controlling relationship into another. I've had a few years of therapy myself but have only fairly recently learnt about boundaries. I didn't even know what these were until my therapist gave actual examples. Like many of you, you likely don't know what boundaries are or don't know what certain boundaries look like, so how can you set them up? I think it would be helpful for Kurt to write an article about boundaries which gives a handful of solid examples.
I've been in emotionally controlling relationships due to my upbringing. I empathise with Chris & Dave as my mother's behaviour is similar. Her illness is still undiagnosed because we can't get her a psychiatric assessment. It's incredibly difficult when they're not a threat to themselves or other people & they have no self awareness of their behaviour. We believe my mother has paranoid schizophrenia with anosognosia. She's also narcissistic & controlling. She only gets worse as the years roll on.
When I first came to therapy, I learnt that I had choices. Sometimes, it takes someone to show you how you have a choice. For example, I've a choice not to be spoken to in a certain way. If I can't be spoken to with respect, I'll end the conversation. If someone has already spoken to you with disrespect, you have a choice to go back to them & tell them that you didn't like the way that they spoke to you - that you feel hurt & upset. Changing your behaviour is difficult & it might come out 'wrong' sometimes, but you need to start somewhere. When my husband first started standing up to his mother, he was aggressive with her. He's more assertive now & even if she does get upset, that's her problem, not his responsibility. He would feel responsible for making her upset, all the while he'd be suffering from her emotional manipulation. It was easier for me to see his mother's controlling & manipulative behaviour because I'd been on the receiving end so many times & I'd had enough therapy to see what was going on. If you can't afford therapy, forums like this are helpful. You might be able to find a counselling charity that offers low cost therapy.
I didn't have clear boundaries growing up & was taken advantage of as I grew older. All my relationships suffered - romantic relationships, my relationships at work & friendships. It's work in progress - you need to change your own behaviour first. You've come this far, you're stronger than you think - don't give up!
My wife is pretty controlling. but after finding this site and reading about the situations a lot of you are in, I guess I better be grateful mine isn't as nuts as some of yours. Best of luck to all of you, and definitely, I think quite a few of you should just walk away from your wives and homes and start over.