Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
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A wife who’s married to an angry man is acutely aware of it. Often, however, she’s reluctant to admit it.
Angry, aggressive behavior by a partner is usually kept secret because it’s embarrassing, shameful, and generally occurs when others aren't around.
Being married to a man with anger issues takes a big toll on a wife, their family, and the angry man in question. Fortunately, there are options that can help each of them.
So, what is it like to be married to an angry man?
Let's take a look.
This story of one wife's experience with her husband's anger is on the mark. The following excerpts are from With This Rage, I Thee Wed, by Kim Barnes (The Oprah Magazine, October 2009).
Given that no person and no marriage is perfect, if you could pick your mate's flaw -- the one flaw you could live with -- what would it be? Nothing so slight as socks on the floor or a residual jones for Pac-Man. I mean the things we keep hidden from even our closest confidants, the things that can prove fatal to a marriage: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, envy, wrath, and pride.
"I want a husband like yours," she told me... To Lacey, it seemed a storybook romance. What she didn't know was how close I had come to leaving the marriage she idealized. I'd never told her the flaw I'd chosen -- that Bob was a wrathful man.
And soon after we moved in together, I got my first glimpse of his rage... The lawn sprinkler that failed to oscillate? Bob beat it into the ground, gaskets flying. The chain saw that wouldn't run, he pitched against a tree until it snapped into pieces.
But one afternoon the summer we married, Bob and I were driving back from the store when we found ourselves behind an elderly woman at a traffic light. She hesitated, not sure if she wanted to turn left or right. Bob grimly rode her bumper. "Get off the road, you old bag!" As we roared by, he flipped her off;> on her face was a mix of befuddlement and fear... I sat stunned. Outraged. Speechless. Silently fuming.
Over the next year, Bob's outbursts became more frequent, until one morning, in the middle of an argument whose subject neither of us remembers, he picked up the wooden table at which we were eating breakfast and brought it down so hard it shattered. I backed to the wall. Mouth twisted, Bob grabbed my arms. "Why are you making me do this?" he said through clenched teeth. I shook my head, unable to make sense of the question, afraid to attempt an answer.
Does any of this sound familiar?
If you're married to an angry man some of these words and sentiments likely sound familiar.
These are common descriptions of men who have a hard time controlling their anger. I regularly hear descriptions of:
I also often hear that these behaviors seem focused on one person in particular – the wife of the angry man.
Sadly, anger and abusive behavior often go hand-in-hand.
Anger can quickly rise to the level of abuse if it goes unchecked. Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are most common, but mental and even physical abuse are a risk as well.
Probably one of the most damaging things about the man above, Bob, is the blame he places on his wife, Kim, for his bad behavior.
Why are you making me do this?"
This is a common rationalization in abusive anger and other forms of abuse.
Blaming others is part of the mind games people play to avoid responsibility and uncomfortable feelings, like guilt and shame.
Surely I had enough objectivity, enough perspective, to know that busting out a window with your bare knuckles -- or kicking a hole in a wall, or denting the car hood with your fist -- wasn't standard behavior. And I was beginning to fear that he might turn his rage on me.
Waiting in line at a McDonald's drive-through made Bob furious. His rage was like a sudden squall -- I spent my energy keeping his anger from swamping us all.
Torn between self-doubt and shame, I kept on keeping my secret, though I still longed for someone to tell me: How would I know when it had gone too far?
The answer came one day as Bob and I were driving down the highway to the hardware store. I was fretting, imagining the minor mishap that would turn our little jaunt into hell on wheels (a flat tire, someone's badly parked car, an inept clerk), and wondering aloud if I should have just stayed home. I had become that little old woman at the light, unsure of which way to turn.
Back home, I gave him an ultimatum: See a counselor, or our marriage was over... And maybe this is the difference between a flaw and a fatal flaw. Even though it meant exposing his failures, Bob chose to keep our marriage alive. We made appointments separately and together.
I've come to realize that you never know the secrets of someone else's marriage -- but that when it comes to your own, it's better to break the silence before the silence breaks you. I couldn't hear the truth until I gave it voice, and neither could Bob. By reaching out for help, we chose to leave the isolated island of shame and blame and hitch ourselves to something truer than a perfect marriage: a union defined by our desire to grow beyond our flaws... Today Bob's rages are a thing of the past.
When Lacey turned the tables on me, "What flaw would you choose?", I didn't give it a second thought... "Anything but wrath." And then I told her why. What I saw in her face was disappointment and relief: My marriage wasn't so perfect after all, yet somehow it had survived. Could she, should she allow her soon-to-be ex a chance to redeem himself?
As Kim's story shows, being married to an angry man is really, really hard.
Yes, angry men can change, and they need to.
An angry man will damage or even destroy his relationships, lose friendships, and harm his health if he doesn’t.
Change is crucial – just ask Bob.
Unfortunately, it's very easy to pretend the anger is,
But it inevitably does, again and again.
Most angry men have become so accustomed to anger that they assume it’s just part of their personality. And they may have also grown up in an environment where anger was just a normal part of communicating.
All of these factors can make them blind to seeing that their angry responses aren’t normal or reasonable, which makes getting them to see it as a problem that needs to change really tough.
Real change for anger issues almost always requires assistance. Assistance can take many forms. For instance –
I've worked with a lot wives who can vividly relate to these experiences.
If you could be an angry man with an anger management problem, I hope you'll follow Bob's example and get some counseling help through anger management classes.
If you're a wife like Kim, married to an angry man, do what she did:
Can you relate to any parts of this story? Married to an Angry Man? Please share your experience with others in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 19, 2009, updated on October 25, 2017, April 19, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
Emotions are tricky things. They can flare up in an instant or slowly build over time, reshaping how we perceive ourselves and the people closest to us. Find out more.
Got a stubborn husband?I know what that’s like. I work with them every day (I used to be one).
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I have been with mine for about 14 years, 3 kids. Stay at home mom because of my children have special needs. Him and his ways..it's been getting worse and worse. And I am so scared. I am scared because I don't know him like I thought I did. Surprised and confused at how careless he can be. If it doesn't agree with him he gets pissed and shuts down. Traffic or having a hard time with anything. From carrying groceries to really anything. No patience and blames it all on me. He has yelled at me. Cursed at me. And the scary cold looks. He has called me names in front of his family last year. It's been surprising and scary... I still can't believe it. How did the person that I trusted and planned my life with turn into this?
He works but at home and with us he has no drive.
My biggest question if anyone can please help me. why don't they just want to divorce us if they're so unhappy? I thought of bringing it up with him and still making it where it works or for our kids. Can't we divorce and still just agree it isn't working. Or do they think it's working somehow?
I know he wouldn't allow it based on how it looks. Him failing as a father and husband. A father all he supposedly wants to succeed in. I don't work because of my children's needs so it has me trapped. It was an agreed teamwork thing from the very beginning.
Will I be totally rejected if I suggest he still supports "us" for the sake of our kids but live separately?
I am scared if I ask that he will be even more pissed and not only not allow it but make our living situation worse.
I just don't get it. I have went through so many stages of emotions over the years and now just wish I could live without him. I feel horribly bad. I am losing my mind. He is so negative and has sucked all the life out of me. As I'm reading these comments I feel scared. I just don't know what to expect from him. He is meanest to my oldest who is only 9, and for now he is "nice" to our younger kids.
I know this post is old but would love a response. Thank you!
Hello Broken, Without speaking to you husband directly it is difficult for me to determine precisely what is causing his behavior and anger issues. My larger concern, however, is for you, your children and your safety. If you feel that you are in a threatening environment I would urge you to consider your options for change. If you haven't discussed counseling to your husband, you may want to consider that as well. Behavior like this often requires professional intervention. Please be safe. -Dr. Kurt
I'm so sorry, but this must be said. This has to be said. This broken cycle must end. Did you ever stop to think for one second why he is angry? Did you ever ask him why, just once? Why were you so quick to count yourself out of the equation? Forgive me if I'm very cautious of one-sided stories, but how are any of us supposed to know that you weren't causing some of his pain, when in fact maybe you were? That man was not getting angry at a sprinkler head simply because "oh he has a short fuse." He's angry because there is something in his life that is amiss. Something that is out of place, not as it should be. Maybe it's tormenting him, provoking him to wrath. It could be you, could be his boss, his co-workers, his "friends," who knows? You won't know until you ask. Whatever it is, the cause is, without a doubt, some person. Not a sprinkler head, not a chain saw, a person. You need to get to the bottom of this. Ask him why he's mad. Talk to him. Stop being a coward and work up some gumption. Marriage is not a sideline game. You need to get in there and at least try to set things straight. Why are you so afraid? This may come as a shock to you, but most men like to talk and will talk if the setting is right. Instead, here we have this guy hopping mad, breaking stuff, and instead of trying to help him and talk with him, you threaten him with divorce. He wants your help. He is crying out to you for help and you turn your back to him. If you expect him to come to your aid when your heart is sad or angry, why then do you reject him when the shoe is on the other foot? Would you seriously rather that he go and cry about all of his problems to some counselor who is a complete stranger? Yes, I know that everything got resolved in the end, but it was the wrong first step. I don't care if my comment gets removed or flagged. This is the right thing to be said and I'm not going to stay silent while wives neglect their husband's suffering because of selfishness or fear.
I’m sorry, but I totally disagree with you. Having been married to an angry man. We as wives are supposed to support, encourage, and love our husbands, but we are not responsible for their happiness. Just as that responsibility is not theirs for us either. These men have a few things in common. They seem like they have it together, but are so insecure and take their stress and aggravation out on us their loving wives.
You should feel free in a marriage, not scared of what he may or may not do. To blame the wives on here is just wrong.
My husband has this deep discontent. I didn’t cause this nor can I fix it. When he’s happy, everyone is happy. He’s a great guy, but when he’s down, he’s miserable and is angry and nasty and I’m proud of him that he has sought help and is now doing much better, but I do worry about his next disappointment and how he will handle it. It’s not right. It’s not my job to make him happy. So my behavior has changed also. I keep myself and kids busy and wawy when he is in a bad mood so he can see it isn’t me or kids and he can sulk or take time to reflect on things or whatever, but I don’t allow me to be brought down by his selfish tantrums or moods. We all have issues. We all can be upset, it I am just not going to deal with crazy anymore and so far life has been good. It forced him to look at himself and get help on his own. I’m not his mother and am not ever going to take on that role. He can be an adult and cherish his family or he can be a child and be alone.
Karen, you must not know how it feels to live with someone who everything is wrong no matter what you say, think, or do for that person. It is exhausting and a form of mental abuse. They had light you to make you feel like you are the crazy one. You are trapped because every decision you make is wrong, but you are forced to make the decisions. It can be a lonely existence and for some of us that choose to stay, it’s because separating with the person is not any better in fact, they’ve threatened to make things worse so when you actually walk a mile in any of these ladies shoes, then you an judge. Some people are just surviving and doing the best they can.
Wise words RJ
Hope people pay attention.
It was 7/2016 when I wrote my original post. Nothing has gotten better intact it is worse. But everyday I make little strides on my own. My nursing license is active once again and I am currently looking for a job. One day I hope to be able to move out with my kids soon. My kids are almost all grown I hope everyday his anger has not hurt them.
RJ your post hit home for me. Thank you gives me strength to keep trying.
My husband has an explosive temper too. I walk in thin I’ve around him. I’m exhausted from living under the shadow of his anger (he has never hit me but he throws things in anger and threatens suicide. He’s bipolar) but I fear co-parenting with him would be harder on my 6 yo than staying and trying to curb his outbursts.
I have been living with a angry man for over 6yrs now. He breaks my things, punch holes in the walls and is set off by the smallest things. I've tried to talk to him about getting help and it just sets him off. Everything I say sets him off and I'm always to blame so I've gotten to a point where I keep to myself. I'm feel so tired and hopeless and like a prisoner in my own self. My life feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from and I don't know what to do. We have two children together and I love him but don't know how much more I can take.
Karen, you are wrong, wrong, wrong. I echo everything RJ said, and more. The last few years have been a bit more peaceful, but everything is still always my fault. I ignore it better. But there's a new development: he was just diagnosed with plasmablastic lymphoma. It's stage 1, but it's a very aggressive form of lymphoma. The oncologist told us there's a median overall survival period of 12 months. I was floored. He acted like he didn't hear it. Now everything, everything is all about him (what would you expect from a narcissist with a "dread disease"). He goes in for in-hospital intensive chemo starting August 6. This morning he's looking at $60,000 new pickups, because he wants one with "tinted windows" to drive to his treatments. Says his current vehicle (without tinted windows) is "killing him" and causing "skin cancer". Demands that I sign on the dotted line for this budget killing thing. Says he will make the payments with his SS check. Well, if he only lives another year or two, that leaves me on the hook for the darn thing when he's gone. DO YOU THINK HE EVEN CARES ABOUT THAT??? No. He doesn't care. At least we are on the final chapter of this sorry excuse for a marriage. I will stay and take care of him to the end. I will NEVER re-marry. I will get to retire in peace.