What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
Part 3 of 3
We’ve been examining the marriage between Carrie and her husband, Al. They've experienced a number of problems as a couple and Carrie has been struggling with how to keep their marriage together. As the connection between them has broken down, Carrie has questioned Al’s love for her and suspected he could be depressed. Now Carrie’s wondering if it’s even possible to save her marriage when she can’t get her husband to change.
Carrie doesn’t know what to do about her marriage. Things aren’t good between them and something needs to change. She’s been concerned about the following regarding Al for quite a while.
She feels like all of these things are true, but isn’t certain where to start in helping him and fixing things between them. She’s already tried a number of things.
Unfortunately, Al has been stubborn and hasn’t responded to many -- if any -- of her suggestions.
For Al, like most men, it feels like Carrie has become a nagging wife, always riding him and telling him what he’s doing wrong. He's told her a number of times, "don't pressure me." Carrie's got some good ideas about what's going on, but after years of her telling him things he doesn't want to hear, all Al hears anymore is "blah, blah, blah."
Al is having a hard time seeing what his behavior is doing to their relationship. From his standpoint Carrie’s just never satisfied. She always seems disapproving and unhappy with him. This makes it really hard for him to want to work with her to make things better.
Al's mood is unpredictable and he has a lot of anger. Carrie says it seems like he's always either grumpy or angry. So she does everything she can to keep the peace in the house as she and the kids walk around on eggshells.
Her direct approach -- tell him what she thinks and what he should do -- hasn't worked. And her avoidant approach -- keep from making him more upset -- hasn't worked either.
So she keeps asking herself, "How do I save my marriage?" What does she do when she can't get her husband to change?
Change her strategies. She needs to start being direct about the things she's been avoidant and avoidant about the things she's been direct. For example:
Carrie and I have worked on a plan in our counseling sessions on how she could do this. Then, when she started to practice these new strategies, she started to see some results. Al responded in a more positive manner and their communication is improving.
Carrie’s marriage isn't fixed by a long shot, but Al has gone to the doctor and he'sexploring counseling. That's progress and any progress is a positive thing. A funny thing about progress is that is a powerful motivator too. When you see something working it makes you feel hopeful and you want to do more of it.
It's just a start, and obviously there's a lot more to do. But it's some change in her husband that Carrie thought would never be possible.
If you can relate to either Carrie or Al, think about how you could change-up some of the strategies you're using as well.
A final take away -- you'll notice that Carrie came to marriage counseling by herself. You can do this too. If your partner isn't willing to go to marriage counseling, go without them. Starting to make positive changes in a marriage doesn't require the participation of both partners at the onset.
This is the third and final post examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do. To read the first two posts, see the Related Articles below. Sign-up for this blog at the bottom of this page and you'll get advice that you can put to work to make your relationship better.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 04, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
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My husband no longer loves me. He is staying in the marriage to avoid hurting our kids and complicating family life. He blames me for everything in his life that hasn't turned out as he wanted (mostly financial). He also doesn't want to lose marital assets through divorce. I am devastated and hopeless. How can I live the rest of my life like this?
I Think my husband is depressed but I can not get him to see this, and get the help he needs. 5 months ago he told me he didn't love me anymore and he had nothing left in him for me. We have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. He said he just doesn't have feelings fo me anymore. And he refuses to work on re building our connection. He said he wanted a divorce but that was 3 months ago now... he is always angry, irritable and emotionally checked out. He moved out 3 months ago and he only comes home every other day to see the kids. He will not take responsibility for his behavior or what he needs to work on. He blames me for his unhappiness and wants to go find happiness somewhere else.. were his words.. I desperately want my family to stay together. Divorce is not an option for me. I love him with my entire soul and hate seeing him struggle. He did agree to counseling but when we went he just kept saying he didn't know if he wanted to stay in the marriage, so nothing was accomplished. That was months ago and nothing has changed. How can I get him the help he needs without pushing him away further? I'm just trying to be positive and loving. Our kids notice he is treating me with no love and it is so painful. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated. Im thinking depression and midlife crisis...
Erin, he has another female on the side. My heart breaks for you. I was there a couple years ago. From the outside looking in though, he obviously has someone else. You’re strong and beautiful!!!! You’ll move on, even though that doesn’t seem apparent at the moment.
My husband tells me that he doesn’t like me or love me anymore. He is very abusive with his words. I’m a sahm (a choice we made together). Because his job demanded a lot from him including frequent travels, I am left to tend to 3 kids and household chores full time. Years later, he’s finally promoted to a very high position with his company. It seems like his new title has gotten to his head. He is trying hard to keep up his prestige appearance with his bosses and peers. He often goes to social events or drinking with colleagues to “network” after work. He barely interacts with the kids or me anymore. If he is home, he would stare at his phone the entire time like we didn’t exist. He has been so short tempered with us. He snaps at us for every little thing. He tells me that I am a waste of a person because I don’t do anything with my life. He really looks down on me and makes me feel like I’m worthless because I don’t have a career and I don’t fit into his new social circle. He said that I haven’t done anything to better myself in the past 10 years (well, I’ve been busy taking care of kids and household while he’s climbing up his career ladder pouring 80 hrs a week into work). He is constantly upset with me for reasons I do not know. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. If I tried to talk to him to see if we can fix things, he would just tell me to go away. Tonight he told me that he is happier without me. And that I should just leave. He would be happy if he never had to see me or hear from me ever again. But he never tells me why he no longer loves me. It seems like he is being mean, heartless, disrespectful, abusive to push me to leave. But even if I wanted to, I don’t have the financial means to just leave. If I was to go back to work now, I would be starting at the bottom making next to nothing after paying for childcare. I am so miserable and feel that I deserve better. But I also feel so trapped.
Hi Katie! I’m sorry you are going through this I feel as though I just read MY story. God Bless you, I will be praying for you. Please pray for me ♥️
My husband of 13 years told me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, he doesn’t feel it anymore. This pass Summer we separated and he has been involved with other woman since then, however he reached out and call for me to come back this October. He told me that we was working in the same direction to make things work, but a day before thanksgiving he just change his mind. I want to save my marriage and need for my husband to love me again. What can I do
Hi Jennie, I am sorry to hear about the difficulties between you and your husband. Without speaking to you each it's hard to offer specific advice. It is possible, however, that your husband is struggling with things other than your relationship. Try finding a neutral area where you two can meet and talk. It may take more than one time, but improving communication and doing it in a neutral area could get him to open up and allow you both to find a way back together. All my best. -Dr. Kurt