What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Sex is a big part of most marriages. While it may occasionally take a backseat when there’s a lot going on, the connection sexual intimacy brings and reinforces is important to the health of a marriage. Which makes sexual dysfunction, like erection problems, an especially painful and difficult circumstance.
At Guy Stuff we work with couples facing all kinds of challenges. And while we don’t address the medical issues that can be associated with erection problems, we do help with the psychological factors, as well as the emotional fallout that such problems can bring. In fact, many causes of erectile dysfunction can be better and more permanently addressed through counseling than through a pill.
An example of how erectile dysfunction can affect your marriage can be found in the question below submitted by Ashley. My advice follows after.
Reader Question:
My husband admitted that he has erection problems. We have been married for 6 years and during this time we only had sex about 20 times. During sex he will loose his erection and blame it on his weight. But he is not interested in losing weight or use alternative medication to assist with his erection problem. I have suggested he go for counseling as I feel that there are emotional issues involved due to his previous wife's cheating on him. I have never cheated, however at this stage I am even considering this as I am only human." -Ashley V.
Ashley’s in a tough situation. Facing a sexless marriage and a stubborn husband who’s embarrassed and doesn’t want to discuss the problem, it’s not particularly surprising that the thought of cheating has crossed her mind. Of course, that’s not an acceptable solution on any level and would only compound her marital problems exponentially.
My Answer:
I've worked with a number of men with erectile problems. You're correct in thinking that there maybe emotional issues affecting your husband. Erectile dysfunction almost always has a psychological component -- being depressed, feelings of guilt, worry, stress and anxiety can all be contributors.
The repeated loss of an erection also compounds the problem since most men worry obsessively that it will happen again. This pattern typically leads to chronic problems like the loss of sexual desire and avoidance of sex completely. This sounds a lot like your marriage with your having had sex only a couple of times a year.
Take a look at this article about a man who has no sexual desire for his future wife to understand more about what happens for men like your husband.
If your husband won't take care of himself, either by losing weight, taking medication, or going to counseling, then you've got to find a different strategy to deal with this besides having an affair. After all, if you're correct in your thinking that his previous wife's cheating may be a factor, which is likely to some degree, the last thing you should consider is doing the same to him again.
Here's what to do:
Keep in mind that erection problems can be a touchy subject for any man. He will feel embarrassed and likely get defensive. He may also avoid any effort at sexual intimacy out of fear that he would only disappoint you. For this reason, it’s important to be as understanding and patient as possible when you're working through this issue.
As a wife you will also need to be careful not to take his erection problems personally. Many women understandably feel like they’re doing something wrong or aren’t attractive enough for their husband. However, it isn’t usually a matter of arousal or sexual response, as less obvious factors like porn can cause erectile dysfunction.
Erection problems are either physical (blood pressure, weight related, etc.), psychological, or a combination of both. And although every man can occasionally experience a problem with getting or maintaining an erection due to stress or other unique factors, having regular erectile dysfunction isn’t normal.
If your husband is experiencing regular erection problems, you’ll both need to find out why and get the appropriate treatment. It can be tempting to avoid this issue, but don’t. Addressing sexual problems is crucial for the health and happiness of your husband, yourself, and your marriage.
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll try to answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up at the bottom of the page so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published May 20, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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I found this blog searching for some answers. I wouldn't cheat on my husband but his ED and not seeking help for it are about to destroy our marriage. ED makes men selfish. They are so full of pride and embarrassment that they won't do what they should to solve the problem. It's self centered behavior.
I have not had sex in a very long time. I have no problem finding women that I'm almost certain I could date but after flirting a bit I become very afraid and back away which confuses them. It's because I am not sure my erection is strong enough to penetrate. I feel I need just one entry and I'd be cured but I do not want to do this illegally. How can I test real penetration without breaking the law?
Kurt - what bizarre advice! Treat your husband like a dog by training him with food? Taking away "privileges" does nothing more than promote more emotional conflict - the very thing that could be causing the ED to begin with.
Bob, You're entitled to your opinion, but I actually do know what works. By the way, I never suggested treating anyone like a dog. You could be right that emotional conflict could result, but if that occurs it will be a good thing because deeper problems that need to be addressed have been revealed, and, yes, those could be related to the ED. -Kurt
My husband can get an erection with porn but hasn't touched me or had sex with me in a very, very long time! When I bring it up, he says he has ed. Oh and he has or had Viagra but doesn't take it with me! Maybe he does for the computer! I'm tired of being lonely!
I’d love to know now that it’s 2023 what has happened with your relationship. I read your post & it’s the same thing in my 26 yr marriage, I feel he’s stolen my young years the last 10 completely sexless. This weekend I had to borrow his phone & saw search for porn, I feel so betrayed, I can’t believe it. He denied the search of course so now I’m thinking could this be why he only has ED with me. I’m have no idea how long this has been going on behind my back. I’m so sick about it.
My problem is when my husband and I dated he had no problem lasting. We could go for 2 hours. lol We've been together 10 years now & the last 4 or 5 he jumps right in and and jumps right off (if you know what I mean). He has no desire to make me happy and satisfied. Then the next night when I ask him to have sex he laughs and says he to tired, knowing he didn't (satisfy) me the night before. So this cycle continues and then he says it because we don't have sex enough so it makes him go fast. Please help I feel like I'm on the verge of having an affair. This is so frustrating..