What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Chances are when your relationship started you and your spouse couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Sexual attraction is generally a big part of a romantic relationship. Sadly, for some couples, that chemistry can fade. It’s not always after years in a relationship either. It can happen at any point and for many reasons. If you find yourself saying that sexual attraction is missing from your marriage, you’re not alone.
When the sexual attraction is missing in your marriage it can really make things difficult, but it doesn’t have to mean the end, and it certainly doesn’t have to stay that way. You can change things. To understand a bit more take a look at Peter’s question below about the sex in his marriage and my answer.
Reader Question:
My wife and I have been married for 12 years and on our honeymoon night, all our problems started! We have gone from counselor to counselor, looking into her past, looking if there was any signs of depression... And although at certain stages she has received emotional breakthroughs, the sexual side remains a problem. She would provide "mercy sex" only, I feel that I cannot take much more of this...
I have tried to be and do everything I was advised by professionals and family and the general consensus from all is that I am a gentleman toward my wife (my wife included)... What makes it especially hard is when I ask if there is anything else I could change or do differently, her answer is always, it's not you! My wife has got a very strong personality but is very affectionate, but when it comes to intimacy, the door is absolutely shut... My confidence is so at rock bottom! I don't want to approach her, because I perceive her usual apathy as lack of love! What do I do? And secondly, what do I do if I cannot settle for a marriage where sexual attraction is missing! I am a passionate person! I am so desperate!" -Peter S.
Peter’s situation shows that issues pertaining to sexual attractions and intimacy don’t just occur years into a relationship. And the dynamic between he and his wife isn’t that unusual. Outside of the sexual challenges they seem to get along. But living in a sexless relationship is hard and puts a strain on any marriage.
My Answer:
Peter, You're not alone. And it's not just men who want more sex - read this story from a wife who says "My Husband Has No Interest in Sex With Me."
It sounds like you both have been working at this for awhile. I'm glad to hear that you've sought professional marriage counseling help. One thing you didn't mention is seeing a medical doctor to be sure there are no physical reasons for her lack of sexual desire. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to help address what's happening with your wife without more information.
So let me share a couple of things for you to think about.
Here's what you can do:
There’s no denying that sexual intimacy is an important part of a healthy marriage. But it’s not the only part of a healthy marriage. If the sexual attraction is missing in your marriage your best recourse for bringing it back is patience, communication, and effort in building a connection in other areas. It can take time and some work, but the result can be very well worth it.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published May 29, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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That's bologna quite frankly. When you are the person on the receiving end of a lack of intamacy than your not in a marriage anymore youre in a friendship. Without sexual satisfaction, and no way to rationalize what the cause and ultimately the corrective action is, people turn to others outside the marriage for what is missing. But, before they do that, these people become psychologically effected because they really do think that it is them. She/he doesnt want me in that way...why would that be if I was such a great lover and I can fullfill my partner, is what will rattle around in the brain until they start to have a problem with sex too. Sometimes people just marry the wrong person. Thats all. There is no sense in being miserable, if thats what you are. Life is short. Do everything to correct the issue, but if its still not working, than its times to move on. Not that its easy to do, not that you wont feel badly for a long time. But do it for your own sanity and your partners. Sometimes its that jolt of reality that wakes up the other person. The sexual part of a reraltionship is vital. Its not just one part of it its the core part. Without it that you are cheating yourself out of wonderful experiences. NOTHING can replace intamacy.
It's not bologna. You are thinking in terms of black and white Stella. Not to take away from the painful feelings that emerge when sexual connection is not occurring, but relationships are a journey. I challenge couples to hang in there and think creatively. There are so many things to try (you'd be surprised). All relationships pose their challenges. Sure you could leave and connect with someone where the sexual passion is greater, but how about the other aspects of the relationships? And what do you do if the sex wanes in that relationship too?
You mean to tell me that 3 years after leaving her, you haven't addressed his feelings of regret other than to redirect him back to her? have you considered the effects on his self esteem that it will have that it took her sleeping with other men to discover that she could have orgasms and be sexually open rather than the man she promised herself to for life? Why haven't you helped him with the fact that there are other women too? Other women who offer emotional intimacy, respect, care, sexual compatibility, stability, etc? He's been hung up on his ex for THREE YEARS while she's doing God-knows what and with whom, and you're encouraging a reunification... As for him not dating others, someone else commented, "what if the sex wanes in the next relationship?" What if he reunites with his wife and she shuts down again because it REALLY is her not being attracted to him? You can't force yourself to feel something that just isn't there. Seems like beating a dead horse to me.