Want to know how Cheaters Feel About Cheating? Learn from a counselor who works with men who Cheated.
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What’s the most important component in a relationship? That’s may sound like a trick question, but at the top of the list without question is trust. Nothing breaks trust faster in a relationship than cheating, and cheating can take a number of forms – like emails from a husband to other women.
At Guy Stuff we work with couples facing many different challenges. Inappropriate behavior with people outside a marriage is a common problem that brings people into couples counseling.
Many spouses will try to justify their behavior by claiming “nothing physical happened,” so it doesn’t count. But nevertheless questionable behaviors such as flirting and emailing other women suggestive pictures can certainly cause big problems.
An example of these problems can be seen below in a question sent in by Shirley whose husband has been emailing other women and given her reason to worry about his fidelity. Take a look at Shirley’s concerns and my response that follows.
Reader Question:
My husband and I have been married almost 2 yrs, together for 3. We have 2 wonderful children but the whole marriage has been a struggle in one form or another. At first he was controlling and physical, I say that because he has never actually hit me. We have gotten past that and it hasn't happened since. Now I'm finding emails from my husband to other women, pics of himself that only I should see are being sent, and he's talking to women in an inappropriate manner for a married man which is basically telling them that he wants to sleep with them. My daughter is 6 months old and I found out right before she was born that when my son was a week old, he is now 2, my husband cheated on me. He also lies a lot. Even about small things and has excuses for getting caught while doing it. I have also caught him several times doing his "thing" watching porn at times when he hasn't tried to touch me in a week or so. His collection is enough to fill a small video store. I'm tired of being hurt by his lack of loyalty and honesty, let alone him being faithful. I don't trust him at all whether I'm next to him or 1000 miles away and I'm suspicious about everything. I've told him I'm fed up and done with it, he asks what I want to fix it and I suggest counseling and he outright refuses to go. What do I do, I'm not feeling any better and I don't know how to fix the affection, trust, or the entire marriage for that matter. I love him with all my heart but there's only so many "mistakes" I can take." -Shirley V.
Shirley is dealing with a variety of problems – sexual emails, porn, lying, and a lack of intimacy in her marriage. It sounds like a lot, and it is. But it’s not uncommon for all of these issues to be happening at the same time.
My Answer:
I'm glad to hear that there's a limit to how much of this you can take. Too many of us put up with too many "mistakes," and for much longer than we ever should. What you're experiencing is abuse. It's the same as physical abuse, just in a different form.
When our partner does not respect, love, or value us, its abuse. You've accepted it too long already and you need to stop accepting it right now.
You can't stop his behavior of abusing you, but you can stop your accepting it. When your husband sends emails to other women, he's not loving you the way you deserve, so start valuing yourself more and do something to change this.
You also need to go to marriage counseling without him. You don't have to accept his refusal or his abuse, so don't.
Find a marriage counselor who can give you the support and guidance you need to get things to change. As you realize, there's a lot in your relationship that needs to change. And it can -- with or without him going to counseling. An expert on marriage and and men can teach you how to do this.
If your husband is pursuing other women it's very easy to feel that you're not enough. Comparing yourself to these women is normal, but also horribly damaging and unfair.
When you don’t feel valued and appreciated by your partner it can have detrimental and long-lasting consequences to your self-esteem. Although Shirley is concerned about her relationship, and rightly so, the most important thing to do first is to protect her own feelings of self-worth and understand that she deserves better.
Feeling clear about your worth will impact all areas of your life and set the tone for your relationship. Ultimately, even if her husband doesn’t change, the steps she takes to take care of herself, and her mental well-being will make a big and positive difference in how she shapes her future.
Here’s the good news – when you spend time working on yourself and your own self-confidence it can inspire your spouse to do so as well. As he sees you grow and take charge of your own happiness, your husband may want to follow suit, or develop a newfound respect for you and commitment to the relationship.
There’s no crystal ball to predict whether Shirley’s husband will stop sending emails to other women, or magic formula that will make him change. But by taking care of herself and focusing on her part in the marriage she can influence him and will become a happier person and a better parent – with or without him.
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email at the bottom of this page so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 12, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Want to know how Cheaters Feel About Cheating? Learn from a counselor who works with men who Cheated.
There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
Suspecting a partner of cheating can shake your world.
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After finding out a narcissist is what my fiance is and every trait is true,all the way home accusing me blaming me for everything and acting like I'm worthless hits the nail on the head. I am 21 and my fiance is 29,we have been engaged for a couple years and loyal, trusting, very opened, I obeyed his every command to where he tried to isolate and yet still accuse me of talking to other males.to make a long story short there's been a very much verbal abuse and very little physical as in grabbing and pushing. I love this man with all my heart and would stand up for him in a heartbeat but never think he did anything wrong we have a 10 month old son together made a family and couldn't have been any better. I noticed through the time As when I got all the way until now the attraction was gone completely we just started having sex again a good bit because I don't play that. sad part is I'm honestly not that Snoopy girlfriend that Disturbed private information.respecting the fact it was his business and he never gave me a reason 2 invaded his personal business. He's never let me hold his phone since day one I have caught him multiple times going through mine and he will deny. even a month ago and I brought his phone to go check on the baby in the living room that was dark and my phone was dead I was wondering if you had pictures of me and Trevor on his new phone. I looked in the gallery senior picture of a another woman on top of that he hates Facebook don't want any social media and our life he swore on our baby boy's that he has no social media well when on Google the letter f of course his Facebook link pops up found it clicked it and went to his messages. what I devastated me as well as broke my heart into a million pieces the amount of faith I had in that man as well as the trust,he has messaged probably over a hundred girls without exaggeration he was talking to about at least 25 the other half either ignored or completely ignored. he was flirting giving out every number he's had meeting and wanting to hang out with them and failed to mention that he has a fiance as well as 10 month old baby didn't even cross his mind no pictures of us on his page and to one girl he did mention me he put me down that I was out the picture he was super dad and had to do everything knowing he worked even late sometimes and I was our first time mom raising him on my own,when I had proof he tried lying to my face and denying I like it didn't even phase him. After it all he said he don't he does not have a legit reason to why he does it or did it and that he swears to God on baby boy once again that he never cheated. And the fact that Facebook insident has happened from the time to officially got together, in love, got engagedand let go of all the downfalls in between us dating a lot well before final and official time.Due to us being engaged and expecting our baby, we were extremely excited and very happy to become parent's as well as a happy family! Now he wants to act like it never happened and just let it go after only 4 days if I'm going out. it's been almost 3 weeks bottling up the pain and emotions and since this event has been Letting Go of he never wants to speak of it ever, we talked thought we would get better but after two days back to the same rude fiancé that puts me down and lowers my self-esteem still won't let me hold his phone on top of trying to isolate me and decide who can come over our home as well as never ever compromising over any decisions made he makes them. please help I want to know if he cheated if so I'm gone I will never take our child from him. I just have to know mainly due to him swearing on our son's life once again and the pain he put me through and acting like nothing ever happened. Please hot girls and this wonderful counselor please help me and give me the advice I need to sit my little big huge heart free I'm praying he didn't cheat I want to keep my family together love him with all my heart as well as my son. what do I need to do? thank you so much with love<3
Ashley, You can't control what he does, just what you do. Remember that your son will be learning from both of you how adults behave in a relationship. Only you can know if leaving is right for you, but you have to decide first if this is working for you and if you can tolerate his behavior. -Kurt