There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
Part 3 of 3
There’s nothing more painful than finding out your spouse has cheated on you. The betrayal and hurt can feel unbearable and seem impossible to overcome. And trying to figure out what’s next if you caught your wife cheating can make your head spin. Do you confront her, confront him, leave, ask for a divorce? The list goes on.
Trying to determine the best next steps if your wife is caught cheating isn’t easy by any stretch and shouldn’t be a decision made in haste. So, before you make the wrong move, continue reading.
So what should you do when your wife is caught cheating? Read the story of Sharon and Robert. Marriage therapist Gail Saltz tells the story of this wife caught cheating in the article, Could You Be Having an Emotional Affair?, published in The Oprah Magazine.
Find out how innocently the affair started when Sharon started working with Todd in part one of this series, A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts. Then find out some signs of a cheating wife in part two, Cheating Spouse Exposed - Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair.
Now here's what to do when your wife is caught cheating:
Increasingly, I find people are already enmeshed in an affair of the heart by the time they contact me, and they are terribly torn. They have a very hurt spouse but can't bear to lose their "friend." Marital implosion is close at hand. My approach seems like tough love, but I'm convinced it saves a lot of grief. The first and most important task, from which all the other things these clients must do will follow, is to take responsibility for the affair - same as if they'd had a sexual liaison. Denying it or blaming their partner's inattentiveness prevents the couple from reengaging. The only cases where it might not be best to fess up are the rare ones where the partner has no suspicions: Revealing hidden feelings just to absolve guilt is not a great idea.
Second, the affair must end. Yes, it hurts. And no, it's not possible to disengage partway and still be pals. Things get trickier if the infidelity began in the workplace, but all future interaction must be purely professional and kept to an absolute minimum.
Third, I try to help clients unearth the reasons they got over involved. Was their marriage failing? Did they need to build their self-esteem? Were they repeating the pattern of a parent who cheated? To prevent an encore, they must be brutally honest with themselves.
Finally, they have to build back the trust, which is the biggest obstacle to saving the marriage. I'm constantly telling people that it requires a lot of time, openness, and accountability (for example, being clear about whereabouts and coming home right after work).
What I find to be remarkably consistent is that most people don't appreciate the relationship they do have until they're about to lose it. This is what happened with Sharon. When Robert found her e-mails to Todd ("I miss you so much…I can't wait to see you," along with complaints about her home life), he was shattered and wanted a divorce. As soon as Sharon realized her husband might leave her, Todd didn't seem quite as thrilling. But saying goodbye to him, which she ultimately decided to do, was wrenching, and Robert isn't sure whether he can forgive her. The three of us are still working on understanding why the affair happened and whether they can agree to rebuild their relationship.
It's much more difficult to make your way back from a betrayal of intimate feelings than to try to refresh a marriage that may have become flat and distant. When you ignore anxiety-inducing thoughts like "I feel stuck - I wish I could run off and have fun or I feel old and dumpy - if only someone would make me feel young and sexy again," you cannot examine or deal with them in a productive manner. Instead, you unwittingly act them out, with potentially devastating results. Any good relationship takes an investment of time, effort, and emotional energy. What few people want to accept is that we can all become Sharon and Robert, and that marriage, while potentially tremendously gratifying, is always a work in progress.
The short answer is, yes. Many relationships survive cheating, but it takes a lot of work to rebuild the trust that’s been destroyed. And it takes a commitment from the both of you to do so. Yet it can be done.
The big mistake many couples make when they’re trying to make things work again is feeling like they need to try to get back to normal and “get past” the problem as quickly as possible. Cheating leaves scars and they won’t go away by just ignoring them. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen and just put on a happy face, you have to work out the issues that got you here and the fallout that results from the infidelity. It’s not an overnight process and trying to force things to be “normal” will result in resentment, anger, and larger problems down the road.
Dealing with a wife caught cheating is very difficult and complicated. Don’t make the mistake of responding without the expert guidance of a marriage counselor. Also, be careful that your emotions don’t cause you to react in a way that just makes things worse. It’s understandable to feel hurt and angry when you have a cheating wife, but allowing those emotions to affect how you respond is a big, big mistake.
Read how it all started in Part 1: A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts; what the signs of a wife cheating look like in Part 2: Cheating Spouse Exposed - Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair.
* This is the third of three posts examining a wife caught cheating. Sign-up for our Blog at the bottom of this page and be sure not to miss the other posts about an affair and a cheating spouse (you can get notified by email when the next article is published).
Editor’s note: This post was originally published July 11, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
Suspecting a partner of cheating can shake your world.
What should you do if your Wife Cheats On You? Check out this expert advice for what to do next.
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I live in Ireland. My wife recently told me she wanted a divorce because i could not provide her with kids, and i have recently lost my job. She has now told me that she is going out on a night out tonight. I am not sure if she is seeing anybody though?. We rent a flat, and as you know, we have no kids.
My wife hasnt really worked throughout our relationship, and i have provided for here for many many years. I have been faithful to her, and treated her with respect in all that time.
I dont know where i stand on this, and i am looking for an answer on how to deal with it. If she goes ahead with the divorce, and is not cheating, will i have to give her half of everyting i own? Or if she is cheating, and goes ahead with the divorce, what are my rights then?
I always thought Ireland was a nation that did not allow divorce, I don't know if You are Northern Protestant or Mainline Catholic. In my case it was a mental illness that forced me to stay. When I found my wife in an affair I had been refused the marriage bed for decades, She now cry's that it caused her as many tears as it did my resentment and anger. She said it was the only way to keep me from disrupting the society we lived in. She crys she was sorry that it went on so long but when I went ahead in 2001 after 20 years from our wedding and Hurt four men over a job, telling her to please drop dead she was sure I hated her. When I lost the feeling in my legs due to a MRSA infection in my spine, I worked hard to walk again. There were setbacks including heart surgery for a MRSA lesion on my heart three strokes and when I came home this Old boyfriend she had been seeing thinking he had to humiliate me. It was to much I fractured the scull of the man she was seeing after he swept my cane putting me on the floor laughing and calling me pathetic. After My cane bought him to the lfloor The police found me in a rage slamming my fist into his face screaming who's pathetic now. I was put In a stress center for two weeks.
When I was to be released from the center since my wife does not drive they called my father to come get me, first he said they had to keep me, Then he said if they could not they could build my character by pushing me out the door in my light jacket shoes without shoe strings no hat or gloves In minus 40 below wind chills. I was lucky the Insurance provided my ride home, I found my wife getting ready to go to a political fund raising dinner, She was supposed to meet our now Speaker of the house, Third in line for President if something happens to Obama Or Bidden. And when she saw me in the living room I was already in a cold anger. She said I promised your father I would go as his friends escort, One I did not even like my fathers best friend, In fact along with my father he had been the biggest interference in my life and marriage. She tried a negotiation Say If I would just pick a place to meet after the event we could decide there what and how my grievences would be addressed and what and how I would be allowed the things I wanted for years, On I was not letting a committee run my life any longer To She was either going to submit to being a real wife or find herself standing on the curb with nothing on freezing to death, like my father intended for me, She begged it had been almost 31 years since I had a woman, In my present mood I could hurt her, She said Ok cant we just talk things through. I was not nice, not even considerate, I was angry she would give something to another man before she gave it to me, the man that paid her way the last 31 years, down to and including the things I ripped off her that day, that she was going to wear for another man.
She did not go to the event. and the last three years I have been in her opinion brutal about taking what I want. Like holidays at home and My fathers idea about good manners, That got his neck broken this year. I made it a rule in our home if my wife is invited, I am also, I was going to go on the 11th tri yearly vacation because my wife was going. She offered her form of compromise, She said you know you have never been on one of these. Its going to anger my father if I came along instead of giving his friend the loan to go after his divorce. cant I just see a way to stay home just one more time. the loan will be paid back. your fathers guarantees he will pay in two years if his friend does not. She said I will talk myself blue to get you somehow included in 2018 on the Hawaii trip. I off course asked who was paying for this trip. Was she getting the money from her mother or out of my accounts, She started crying you know perfectly well it the money that I bring in. First, I pulled any thought I was paying my fathers friends way, He was not going in any way through me. If she was going I was to this time was the next thing out of my mouth. She said I knew this was just going to bring our war to a new climax by inviting myself.
I did, my father got drunk and came to my hotel room yelling he was going to send me home, he was tired of my defiance and to come get my comupins He camne through the door swinging a ball bat. He cracked my cane when I used it to block and I was so mad he would even try I broke his neck with an uppercut.
I know being Irish you probably think I have been truly disrespectful. But I felt it was the disrespect of my life on the line. Talking to case workers and councelors. They have told my wife that because she is bi polar she can't have our son, They would put her in her own apartment, and she would live her life under care. She said just a few more years was all I was asked to wait and now because I wanted a life everyone suffers. She said in many societies it would have been an honor to serve others like I was required, But all I was is resentful.
Me and my wife have been together for a year yesterday the day IG our anaversary she didn't talk to me and was cutting herself I got mad left when I came back she told me to leave then I come to find out she's been having a affair for 2 months and everyone knew but me what do I do now
Freddy, I am sorry to hear that. I have seen couples survive an affair, but it takes a lot of work, most often with a professional counseling, and both partners have to want the marriage to work. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do and how you react to her. Seeing a professional counselor is a good place to start. If she won't go with you, go on your own. -Kurt
Just reading for now
Hi, my wife is in relationship with some of the doctor were she use to go to part time job as a medical staff.
recently i noticed that she has got a call from him and she deleted it after completion of call. i noticed that while speaking with him over the call she has given a hint that others are around her(change in her voice) and he has given a lot of money to her. she did not reveal me he has texted me saying that she has taken a money from him. when i asked her shell is telling that he is a very good person and use to call her with so much respect and they don't have such a relationship, but am sure that they have a sexual relationship(i have noticed many times she is texted him and deletes after that).
now we have a baby boy age of just 3 months recently this Wednesday she got a call from him after the call she has deleted the number and behaving like she does not know anything, i noticed that and asked she was cried and acting like she will die if i take this matter to her brother(our is a love marriage only her brother helped us for marriage).
now am not in a position to decide to live with her divorce, kindly suggest me.
Raju, I have seen couples recover from infidelity, but it takes a lot of work on both partners parts, and almost always with a professional. Have you thought of seeing a professional marriage counselor? That might be the best way to go so that you have someone unbiased to talk to. -Kurt