Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Part 1 of 2
Abuse in relationships can take many forms. Physical abuse is what we often think of because in many cases it’s obvious. But verbal abuse happens much more often than physical and more than many people realize.
Verbal abuse is a common form of abuse in many relationships. However, it can be very subtle and hard to recognize, so much so that often victims don't even know it’s happening. Many will assume, or be told, that this is what’s normal in a relationship. And because of that belief wait an extremely long time before seeking help, if they ever do.
Verbal abuse is often disguised or explained away as something else, such as humor ("I was just making a joke") or love ("you know I love you"). A skilled abuser can destroy your self-esteem while at the same time making you believe that they really care for you. Verbal abuse can also become so regular that it becomes normal communication.
Victims often confuse verbal abuse with communication that occurs during arguing or normal disagreements. But verbal abuse goes far beyond disagreement and there is nothing normal about it. A verbal abuser seeks to control his or her partner with words and intimidation. They routinely seek to undermine the confidence and independence of their victim, causing them to question their own abilities and live in fear of doing or saying the wrong thing.
A common problem for victims of verbal abuse is that the abuse makes them confused and they don't know what to believe - their own thoughts or the abusers' words. Their sense of self and personal identity becomes reliant upon what their abuser tells them.
So if verbal abuse is so hard to recognize, are there any verbal abuse signs? Yes.
Below are 8 verbal abuse signs. These are from the article How Can Someone Identify and Respond to Verbal Abuse? by Cathy Meyer.
Do you recognize any of these verbal abuse signs in your relationship? If so, in the next post we'll take a look at some of the things you can do to stop the verbally abusive behavior in your relationship.
One of the things you’ll need to do first, however, is recognize and accept that you're in an abusive relationship. Verbal abuse can be very easy to explain away, but doing so will mean that not only will things not change, but they’ll very likely get worse. Abusers don’t typically change their ways without intervention and help. And unfortunately, verbal abuse can often escalate into physical abuse.
The next thing to do is get some help. If the verbal abuser won’t get help then get it yourself without them. There are things you can learn do to change their behavior and lessen the toll on you.
If you feel that you or someone you love could be in a verbally abusive relationship it’s time to get help.
This is the first article of two on verbal abuse and signs of verbal abuse. In the next article, Verbal Abuse - 8 things You Can Do To Stop Verbal Abuse, we'll identify things you can do to stop verbal abuse. Sign-up for our blog at the bottom of this page and be sure not to miss future articles like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published August 27, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and not always a bad one. It can nudge us to do better, apologize when we’re wrong, and keep us from being deceptive. But when guilt is used as a tool to control or shame someone, or to maintain the upper hand in a relationship, it becomes dangerous and detrimental to emotional health.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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I was looking for answers, attempting to understand the reasons behind the actions.
My husband has been very physicaly abusive to the point of attempting to have my home burned with me and the kids in it, I know becouse the hit man called and worned me, I also received a call from the Womens Underground and Adult protective services.
I deceided to fight back, I thought to myself "this is my country, my house that I bought, and he is a forgener, if it's me or him it for sure isn't going to be me, it will be him" but I couldn't go through with it, I prayed and cryed alot then he was injured at work now he has perment brain dammage, I feel like it was a blessing from God but I feel responcible becouse I asked for the help.
He has become very verbally abuseive with constant put downs about me and my children, he hates me mostly becouse I am an American, he is an Arib, this one thing has been at the core of the hate he has had for me from the begginning.
He puts me down and tells me I'm stupid, that the only reason any employer keeps me is becouse they feel sorry for me, that I will never make it in this life and that I will live on the streets, he expects me to do everything he demands for him but if I need help, he refuses telling me to call my mother or what about my children. I'm sure he has had many affairs, I have found that my will has been effected I have been unable to get out of bed with a struggle, I keep falling asleep with out notice and my hair is starting to thin, it's like being beeten with words, I often feel sick to my stomach and dizzy.
He says these things like his ex-girl friend's shoes are better than me he spits on me ect and then he does little things to please me. He says he's leaveing to the middle east forever in a month, that living with me is horrible and he cannot stand it any more.....
I have mixed feelings, in a way I hope he doesn't come back but at the same time I've been with him for the last 20 years am I realy that bad ?
I just don't know how to feel, but I do know when he's gone life seems better and I am diffrent than when he's here but I don't know that it's becouse of him becouse no one can make you feel any thing or do any thing so that does make it my fault.
I have just left a 30 yr abusive relationship after several attempts. My husband said if I left the kids would never talk to me again and that I would lose them .he denies that he's manipulating them by blaming me for the marriage break up but I know he is and the chn are adults - 25,23 &19. They havent spoken to me since I left 3 weeks ago. Has anyone else experienced this ?
Yes indeed. My husband did the same when I divorced, and regrettable most of the kids feel free to be abusive toward me or not speak to me. My eldest son and daughter have kept the silence for twenty years. It's very much too bad, and I mourned for years, but it's better than being in that relationship.
I am petitioned by my fiance'e we were married when I arrived here in the U.S. at first he was humble, good and matured but when we arrived here he tells me words that you have to do this or do what I want even if you feel you dont like it because remember what I did for you I petitioned you and your kids so that you can come here. He doesn't give me money. I feel that I'm a useless individual I dont't have job and money. There are rules that we must follow. Im scared that he will send us back to our country. I'm afraid because I have resigned from my job and the school year is about to start this sept.
Does my husband has the right to threaten me if I will not do exactly what he wants me he will go to USCIS and complain and I will not be given a temporary green card and with less than 3 months of stay here in the U.S I will be deported back to my country?
I dont know wher to start. I need help.
My brother is in a verbally abusive marriage. His wife manipulates things and i watch his self esteem go lower and lower everyday!
Were a close loving family and she convinces him were bad and she controls him into fighting with us. She doesnt let him talk to my parents unless shes also on the phone. He never admits this but i picked up on it based on his comments.
One time my mother called him And said s/t like that he never comes over with his children, he hung up saying something mean to my mother. He called back an hr later saying, please dont interefere with my life its tiving me marital problems.
But other then this he never says a bad word about her! He talks about her like shes god.
But i see how he gets more and more depressed everyday. To the point that im nervous for his health!!! Anyone has any advice?
I was married to a verbal abuser for 17 years, when I began the divorce process. My ex is also an alcoholic and drug abuser. The verbal abuse thru our 4 year divorce process is worse than during our marriage. My ex uses almost all 8 of the above signs of verbal abuse towards myself, and my three daughters. I recently found a book called THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP by Patricia Evans. this book has giving me the ability to tell my ex, TO STOP. I am so glad I came across this book, if I had not, I would still be allowing him to zap my self_esteem.