Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
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Contents
Part 2 of 2
So, you're in a relationship with verbal abuse and struggling.
Whether you’ve suffered for a long time or are just realizing that the person you’re with is not the person you thought they were, verbal abuse is painful. Both the words and accepting that the person you love treats you this way hurts.
The important thing to know now is that you can begin to make changes.
But what do those changes look like?
How do you begin putting a stop to verbal abuse – especially if you still love the person you’re with?
The first thing you need to do is determine if what you’re experiencing is abuse.
Verbal abuse can be hard to identify. Unlike physical abuse, there are no bruises or broken bones that give it away.
There are, however, always signs.
Of course, it can be hard to see those signs if you're the one experiencing the abuse. You may have become so accustomed to the treatment or have been told so often that this is what love is, that you don’t even realize something’s wrong.
If you're not sure if that's you, or if what you’re experiencing is really abuse, then read this article about verbal abuse signs: Verbal Abuse - What's It Look Like? Are there Signs?
The second thing you need to do if you’re suffering with verbal abuse is understand how to make it stop.
It would be nice if putting an end to verbal abuse was as easy as asking the person to stop.
Unfortunately, it’s not.
Below are 8 things you can do to stop verbal abuse from the article How to Handle Verbal Abuse in Your Relationship by Cathy Meyer. I've included my take (in italics) on how they compare to my experience.
Guilt is a tool that abusers will use to keep control over you. If you’re being abused there is nothing you have done to justify it. The behavior of the abuser is the problem, not you, so taking a stand against it and protecting yourself is the right thing to do.
2. Let the abuser know how hurtful their words are and discuss with them the fact that it is unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept from your abuser.
This is easier said than done, but it is necessary. Abusers don’t see the problem with their actions. You may need the emotional support of a loved one or friend to hold firm to the boundaries you’re setting.
3. Seek counseling, either together or separately.
Generally speaking, abusers can’t change their behavior overnight. Whatever has caused them to become abusive is likely a much deeper problem that will take time to resolve. And the emotional damage that’s been done to you can be difficult to undo as well. It's almost certain that you’ll each need the help of a counselor to get back to a healthy place.
4. Surround yourself with a support system of family and friends. Discuss with them what is happening and how you are feeling.
This is crucial as secrecy and silence, which is common in abusive relationships, enables the abuse. Having support will help keep you strong and safe. Family and friends can also help prevent you from falling back into accepting the abusive behavior as normal by giving you the perspective you need.
5. If the verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse, leave. Your personal safety is far more important than the relationship.
It doesn’t take professional experience to know that this is the right thing to do. It’s advice any one of us would give. However, even though it's necessary, it's never, ever easy to do.
6. Do not engage in conflict with your abuser. If your spouse becomes angry stay calm, walk away and don’t give him/her what they want…a reaction from you.
Be prepared to leave if necessary. Sometimes distance is the only way to diffuse things and stop verbal abuse.
7. Take back your power. If you react to the abuser, you are rewarding them. Letting them know they have power over your emotions. Don’t allow the abuser to have control over how you feel.
In my professional experience this can be very difficult. When you love someone you’ve already allowed them to influence your feelings. Remind yourself that abusive behavior is NOT a part of love and you deserve better. Do your best to control your emotions until you’re apart and in a private, safe place to deal with how you feel.
8. Leave the marriage. If setting boundaries, getting therapy and refusing to respond to the abuse doesn’t work, then maybe your marriage is over. There are times when the best thing you can do for yourself is, break all ties with your abuser.
This is a last, but sometimes necessary, resort. However, there should be a process to get there. Separation and divorce doesn’t fix everything. So, you’ll need to develop better coping skills first, as well as giving change an opportunity by using the right approach.
The sad truth is, yes.
However, if the person who’s been doing the abusing has been successful at efforts to change, then they can do it again. This will also mean that you'll need to revisit the steps above to protect yourself and help them reset their behavior.
But, if this cycle continues, you may also need to ask yourself some hard questions.
At some point, step 8 from above may be your only real choice to change an abusive relationship.
The most important thing to remember about verbal abuse is that its purpose is to control.
The key to stopping it is learning how to break free of the control and get your power back.
Doing this means,
Don't underestimate how difficult these can be though.
In order to successfully stop verbal abuse, it's critical to have the guidance and coaching of an experienced professional counselor. So, don't go it alone any longer.,
This is the second article of two on verbal abuse. In the first article we looked at verbal abuse signs. Sign-up for Our Blog at the bottom of this page and don't miss other informative articles.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on September 4, 2010 updated on September 18, 2018, and updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and not always a bad one. It can nudge us to do better, apologize when we’re wrong, and keep us from being deceptive. But when guilt is used as a tool to control or shame someone, or to maintain the upper hand in a relationship, it becomes dangerous and detrimental to emotional health.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
If your in a relationship and the person you say you love isn't showing you the above actions. Then why do you stay? Most of all the post are negative meaning their using the word "can't" that word is negative. Replace it with the word "I can" and watch how things change. You CAN leave you CAN change. The person that's the abuser is no longer the abuser the abuser is YOU. It's time to stop blaming the abuser and blame yourself because you don't have to stay it's a choice. You stay then you deserve everything this person does why because you don't have to stay. It's to many resources out here now to deal with the nonsense.
I lost my job because of verbal abuse and now I live at home and it not getting better here at home. I think the only solution is to live out in the streets. So I can have peace in mind
Looks like I am the abuser in my relationship. This is my second marriage and my first failed due to his verbal abuse and then infidelity. I was so young at the time and very impressionable, I believed that I was worthless and could not succeed without him. After he left me for another woman while I was 7 months pregnant and only 18 years old, I spent the rest of my life believing I was never good enough for anything. I mean I knew I was attractive, but other than that I had nothing to offer another human being other than my baggage. I began to use that same method of abuse that I was taught, on every relationship I entered into. I am married once again and it's crashing down hard as I just discovered his multiple chat apps on his phone and looking into escort locations with both male and female. His porn addiction has gone completely out of control and he even tried to have sex with my sister. Thank god she turned him down. I feel like my verbal abuse has made him who he is. While I understand that he is responsible for his own actions, I see myself as the majority cause.
No, someone being abused doesn’t act like that. He had to have been like that himself.
Hi Anna,
This has become a learned behavior for you. Abusers think when they hurt they gain respect and it's the complete opposite. As you can see verbal and physical abuse destroys it does not build. You aren't the blame for how your husband is behaving he was behaving like that before you met him and what was hidden has now been made evident to you. He seems he has no respect of character and you should not allow this type of behavior. You need to pray get into church and do something positive with your life such as school, job etc. When you connect with God he will give you peace that passes all understanding. My mother told me something I will never forget "when you allow someone to steal your joy & peace you have given them too much control". Get your joy and peace back and you can find it in Jesus. I know, I know, many people have told you that but honey it's the truth Jesus works on our behave even when we don't know it. He's working right now by using me to respond to your email. All the negative things that mean you no good let them go and make some positive changes in your life and you will begin to see a difference.
I have been married for over 8 years and my marriage has been up and down. I didn't realize that I was a victim of verbal and emotional abuse by my spouse. I am blamed, chastised, and called names over things I can not control. I admit now that I do need help.
Dee, Being in an abusive relationship is a very difficult situation to deal with. Do an online search for a local women’s shelter or call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. Also, read other articles in the Abusive Relationships section for more information. -Kurt