Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
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Contents
Part 2 of 2
So, you're in a relationship with verbal abuse and struggling.
Whether you’ve suffered for a long time or are just realizing that the person you’re with is not the person you thought they were, verbal abuse is painful. Both the words and accepting that the person you love treats you this way hurts.
The important thing to know now is that you can begin to make changes.
But what do those changes look like?
How do you begin putting a stop to verbal abuse – especially if you still love the person you’re with?
The first thing you need to do is determine if what you’re experiencing is abuse.
Verbal abuse can be hard to identify. Unlike physical abuse, there are no bruises or broken bones that give it away.
There are, however, always signs.
Of course, it can be hard to see those signs if you're the one experiencing the abuse. You may have become so accustomed to the treatment or have been told so often that this is what love is, that you don’t even realize something’s wrong.
If you're not sure if that's you, or if what you’re experiencing is really abuse, then read this article about verbal abuse signs: Verbal Abuse - What's It Look Like? Are there Signs?
The second thing you need to do if you’re suffering with verbal abuse is understand how to make it stop.
It would be nice if putting an end to verbal abuse was as easy as asking the person to stop.
Unfortunately, it’s not.
Below are 8 things you can do to stop verbal abuse from the article How to Handle Verbal Abuse in Your Relationship by Cathy Meyer. I've included my take (in italics) on how they compare to my experience.
Guilt is a tool that abusers will use to keep control over you. If you’re being abused there is nothing you have done to justify it. The behavior of the abuser is the problem, not you, so taking a stand against it and protecting yourself is the right thing to do.
2. Let the abuser know how hurtful their words are and discuss with them the fact that it is unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept from your abuser.
This is easier said than done, but it is necessary. Abusers don’t see the problem with their actions. You may need the emotional support of a loved one or friend to hold firm to the boundaries you’re setting.
3. Seek counseling, either together or separately.
Generally speaking, abusers can’t change their behavior overnight. Whatever has caused them to become abusive is likely a much deeper problem that will take time to resolve. And the emotional damage that’s been done to you can be difficult to undo as well. It's almost certain that you’ll each need the help of a counselor to get back to a healthy place.
4. Surround yourself with a support system of family and friends. Discuss with them what is happening and how you are feeling.
This is crucial as secrecy and silence, which is common in abusive relationships, enables the abuse. Having support will help keep you strong and safe. Family and friends can also help prevent you from falling back into accepting the abusive behavior as normal by giving you the perspective you need.
5. If the verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse, leave. Your personal safety is far more important than the relationship.
It doesn’t take professional experience to know that this is the right thing to do. It’s advice any one of us would give. However, even though it's necessary, it's never, ever easy to do.
6. Do not engage in conflict with your abuser. If your spouse becomes angry stay calm, walk away and don’t give him/her what they want…a reaction from you.
Be prepared to leave if necessary. Sometimes distance is the only way to diffuse things and stop verbal abuse.
7. Take back your power. If you react to the abuser, you are rewarding them. Letting them know they have power over your emotions. Don’t allow the abuser to have control over how you feel.
In my professional experience this can be very difficult. When you love someone you’ve already allowed them to influence your feelings. Remind yourself that abusive behavior is NOT a part of love and you deserve better. Do your best to control your emotions until you’re apart and in a private, safe place to deal with how you feel.
8. Leave the marriage. If setting boundaries, getting therapy and refusing to respond to the abuse doesn’t work, then maybe your marriage is over. There are times when the best thing you can do for yourself is, break all ties with your abuser.
This is a last, but sometimes necessary, resort. However, there should be a process to get there. Separation and divorce doesn’t fix everything. So, you’ll need to develop better coping skills first, as well as giving change an opportunity by using the right approach.
The sad truth is, yes.
However, if the person who’s been doing the abusing has been successful at efforts to change, then they can do it again. This will also mean that you'll need to revisit the steps above to protect yourself and help them reset their behavior.
But, if this cycle continues, you may also need to ask yourself some hard questions.
At some point, step 8 from above may be your only real choice to change an abusive relationship.
The most important thing to remember about verbal abuse is that its purpose is to control.
The key to stopping it is learning how to break free of the control and get your power back.
Doing this means,
Don't underestimate how difficult these can be though.
In order to successfully stop verbal abuse, it's critical to have the guidance and coaching of an experienced professional counselor. So, don't go it alone any longer.,
This is the second article of two on verbal abuse. In the first article we looked at verbal abuse signs. Sign-up for Our Blog at the bottom of this page and don't miss other informative articles.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on September 4, 2010 updated on September 18, 2018, and updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and not always a bad one. It can nudge us to do better, apologize when we’re wrong, and keep us from being deceptive. But when guilt is used as a tool to control or shame someone, or to maintain the upper hand in a relationship, it becomes dangerous and detrimental to emotional health.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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'M also experiencing the effects of porn addiction from my husband. I recently discovered all the sites in his search history and looking for prostitute 's male and female. Visiting local sex shopes and purchasing sex toys. He has never shown signs of homosexual behavior but I believe his porn addiction has taken him there. I have sent him links to this website and these articles that I have been up all night reading. I hope that our marriage is still repairable, but I'm not sure because I also discovered that he hit on my sister..I'm devastated by that and didn't even consider working through it until I found this site.
I find that all of your information is very interesting. Thank you for taking the time in providing it!!...
The abuse is so much of a disappointment that I sometimes wonder if that is why he does it. He often like to end with so there,how about that? or I knew that would get you! I realize that he is not talking into a mirror but to me; I stopped considering his motives it was a list! The blame game is constant and never makes sense or has accuracy. Emotionally I had to move on to save me but leaving is not always that simple.
How do I deal with my Dad who abuses my mother , brother and me on daily basis. I have tried everything like counselling to police but nothing has worked so far. We are in deep state of mental trouble. We just want to get rid of it . Any suggestions?
Rahul, I don't know how old you are or where you live, but in the U.S. you can search online for a local shelter or call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. If you're under 18 years old your mother needs to be the one looking for help and changing the situation. Unfortunately, sometimes the only thing you can do to make it stop is to leave. Be sure to read the other articles on our site about Abusive Relationships. -Dr. Kurt
I think I have been dealing with verbal abuse for almost 24 years. It has really gotten bad in the past year as my 72 year old mother is needing my help more due to illnesses. When I mention doing something for her my husband just gets mad or will ask why I want to help her. "She has a husband that's his job, " might be something he says about me taking her for a Dr, appt. If I want to do things with our daughters I am just trying to spend as much time away from him as I can. It has been tough, I pray that god will give me strength through all of this and yet I find myself seeking outside advice. I have never in 34 years been an unfaithful wife but have always been accused of it. My husband has been dissabled for the past 20 years and I have been the major supporter in our home. He can still do things and does help take care of the home while I work. But if I am 5 minutes late getting home he is angry. I just need some understanding. I'm not sure if I can change the situation or not. I don't know if I could make it on my own. Thanks for listening and any advice. Cindi
Cindi, It sounds like you're looking the right article for your situation by reading about abuse. Take a look at the other articles on here about Abusive Relationships, Anger Management, and Depression Help to understand more. -Dr. Kurt
Thanks Dr. Kurt. Every day is a new day. He may be perfectly fine and then I may say something that will upset him. It doesn't take much. I just really need suggestions on how to talk to him without arguing. I am not good at confrontation usually I either get really upset and it becomes a shouting match with me shutting up and walking off or him shouting at me and me crying like a baby and walking off, I don't think he has ever heard how I truly feel because the arguments are always about how bad I hurt his feelings or upset him. At this point and that was 34 not 24 years of marriage, I am just not sure what to do anymore. Do I stay and continue ro pray for the best or do I go? I'm just not sure. Thanks