Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
Part 1 of 2
"Is my husband having a midlife crisis?" is a question I get asked pretty regularly by women.
Maybe he’s been acting out of character, making rash decisions, or seems suddenly dissatisfied with your life together. There are a variety of symptoms that wives cite when they believe their husbands are experiencing a midlife crisis, and they all can lead to confusion and pain.
Here's one woman's story of trying to understand what happened to the man she thought she was married to.
It's been 7 months since Derek told Lauren he wanted a divorce and moved out. For Lauren, it came out of nowhere, but for Derek, he had been contemplating what to do about his unhappiness for months, probably years.
Lauren came to our women's counseling to get help in how to respond to this 'new' Derek and make sense of what's happened to her shattered life. Later on I also met with her and Derek for divorce counseling to mediate their divorce.
Occasionally Lauren sees glimpses of the 'old' Derek she thought was her husband. Like when he calls her out of the blue and offers to help with something. But most of the time she deals with the 'new' Derek who takes things from the house without telling her, or makes a withdrawal from the ATM without talking to her first and overdraws their joint bank account.
As she's tried to make sense of 'new' Derek and his erratic behavior, she's been asking herself and me, "is he having a midlife crisis? Is he having an affair? Or is he depressed?"
The answer is potentially yes to all of those questions - although which have occurred, in what order, and have led to his behavior is still unclear.
The behavior of men having a midlife crisis can vary from man-to-man. There are, however, a number of actions that are fairly typical. Dissatisfaction with life, love or work; dramatic lifestyle changes; or affairs are all rather common. It’s also not uncommon for wives to feel like the unhappiness has come out of nowhere. In actuality these feelings have probably been festering for some time and circumstances or events trigger them to explode in a manner that puts the husband and his family into a crisis mode.
Here are some midlife crisis warning signs we can see in Derek that have helped Lauren see that, yes, he probably is, and has been, having a midlife crisis:
Unfortunately, it took Lauren almost 3 months after Derek moved out to seek out professional help by coming to women's counseling. By this time it was difficult to work together as a couple to turn things around. Being more aware of the warning signs and seeking help as soon as possible may not keep a midlife crisis from occurring, but it can help lessen the destructive outcomes.
Whether or not Derek is having a midlife crisis isn’t as important as just recognizing the warning signs of a problem that’s going to explode the way it did for Lauren. If she or Derek had responded to these signs sooner, it's possible that much of the pain they're now suffering could have been prevented.
Since the separation Derek has admitted he’s seeing another woman. Even though he insists it started after he moved out, Lauren's uncertain if that's really true. Derek’s now planning to change jobs and has also gone back to school.
Lauren has asked Derek that if changing jobs or going to school will make him happy, why he didn't do them before he left. Derek hasn't been able to answer her. Chances are he doesn’t know the answer himself. Erratic and rash decision making is also typical of men experiencing a midlife crisis. Unfortunately, decisions made in this manner don’t always lead to the satisfaction and fulfillment the man is seeking.
In the next article we’ll explore the characteristics of men who can have a midlife crisis and why Derek didn't make these changes sooner. Lauren will also share things about Derek that she now sees, but didn’t before, that help her understand more of why he's done what he's done.
This is the first article of two discussing a husband's midlife crisis and the impact on his wife. In the next article we’ll explore the characteristics of men who can have a midlife crisis: Midlife Crisis Characteristics. Sign-up for Our Blog at the bottom and don't miss the next article.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 11, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Stacy, There could be a lot of things going on with your husband - midlife crisis, depressed, affairs, or more. The bottom line is your not accepting that your going to live like this accept what is 'abuse.' You need to get some counseling on what you can start to change. -Kurt
My husband of 26yrs has also recently left me. He told our three children and me before we seperated that he has someone else in his life. Within a week of parting he was posting on FB that he was in a 'relationship' and telling me, our children and his family that he was 'in love' with his new lady and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. This upsets me but really hurts our children who love their Dad. I have asked him to stop but he continues to rub our noses in his new relationship. He has become totally self-centered and is making irrational statements and acting like a love sick teenager. Our children no longer seen to be his priority, I accept that I am not, but hate the damage he is doing to his relationship with them, and when I tell him his reply is that he doesnt care!!
I know its a few years ago but my husband has just done the same. 27 years together 23 years married twin boys 16 happy marriage. What happens all of a sudden x
My ex partner is 42! We were together 7 years in a very stable relationship. We had normal ups and downs. My ex has never really had any emotional attatchment and has always been defensive, and often had a barrier and won't let it down. Iam quit understanding and new this was caused by his marriage breakdown 11 years ago. Other than that we were great, had a lovely life and I helped bring his now 16 year old it up, whom I love like my own. About 15 months ago my ex suddenly changed, he did once say.. Think I'm having a MLC? We laughed it off, he started going weight training( obsessively) which 3 months ago I foundd out he was injecting steroids ( I was so upset) he didn't care. He also started acting like a sex maniac,! Saying things to me like you would say to a prostitute or someone he'd picked up off the street! Obviously it made me vomit and sex in the last 6 months was a bit sparce ( my doing as I'd lost respect )one of the things he kept saying... I want a threesome and if you don't give me it will look elsewhere.... He said this after a few drinks on several occasions. Please do t look in a bad light at him as this is certainly not the man I new 15 months ago. May, this yr he went away for a few days on a friends 40th abroad... I noticed something differant about him, about 6 weeks later I asked if he was having affair?? He said yes ( showed mo remorse) although felt very ashamed and guilt ( as his ex wife did same to him) and he always felt bitter about it. The woman he is seeing is married ??
The house we lived in was his house so I left, am now living at a friends..he didn't try to stop me! The most difficult thing for me is he is so stubborn and will not let his defence down and admit if he made a mistake? I love him very much, and know he has feelings for me. Please advice me what to do? Does this sound like Mid life crisis
Sarah, Yes, this does sound like a midlife crisis, but it's also possible there are other complicating issues, such as his drug abuse. Take a look at the other posts on this blog under the tags Midlife Crisis and Cheating Spouse for tips on what to do. -Kurt
Me and my husband were together for 9 years. We never had major arguments we were all in love and he was supporting me all the time. He decided to start the bussinuess an he was dreaming about that all the time. We sold the house and move to rental apartment because he needed money to start the business. I was not agree to sell the house and asked him to start the bussinuess and then if you need the money we can sell the house, he argued why I can't trust him! So we did sell the house we went to vacation had a good time. After we came back he asked me to see a marriage consoler !! I shocked and asked him if there is any problem! My whole world broke down in a minute!
The cosoler told me that he wants me to be more tidy and clean and wear colorful and better outfit so I did that for awhile and nothing has change! He moved to spare room and he was telling me he feel better this way! I didn't know what to do even the consoler said she doesn't know what's wrong with him!
Till one day he told me that he is not happy with me and he doesn't want this life anymore!
He said I have a sex problem and don't enjoy it! I've never complained and said to him we can fix it! He said he wants his space and wants to see if he misses me!
It's being 3 months now ! I'm crying all the time and think what did go wrong!! He told me that he is happy and not coming back! He is having fun all the time and I feel so left out and shocked!
I wonder if this is MLC?!!!!
Sara, Yes, it very could be, but it's possible he never was happy in the relationship and now it's finally showing. I'm counseling a guy like that right now. Sometimes what looks like midlife "crisis" isn't new, but has been there a long time. -Kurt