Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Part 2 of 3
Being addicted to pornography is a problem for many men. Unfortunately, there are a lot of men and their partners that have a hard time recognizing pornography as a problem. For many it seems normal for a man to watch porn - the truth is that it’s not. Porn viewing causes issues for men in their personal lives and in their relationships.
Most men will ignore the signs of a problem with porn addiction until they not only have to contend with their porn problem, but also the other aspects of their lives that have been damaged. By the time they accept there’s an issue and do something about it, there can be a lot to untangle and it can take a lot of time and work. Just check out Jay’s story below to see what I mean.
Jay never saw pornography as a problem. He certainly didn't think he was addicted to pornography. Looking at porn is pretty normal guy behavior he thought.
Once in a while he'd wonder if he could be addicted to pornography, but he'd quickly rationalize the question away. How could he be addicted to pornography? He didn't obsess over it, he didn't plan his whole day around looking at porn, and he didn't have an expectation or anticipation for the next time he could look at pornography. He just wasn't like that.
What Jay didn't see was how routine looking at pornography had become for him. He didn't see that, just like the addictive patterns described above, he also was dependent on porn. Pornography gave him a little pleasure, sometimes for only a couple of seconds, in his otherwise stressful, demanding, non-stop life. And he needed that.
Jay almost never got on the computer with the intention of going right to porn. But he usually ended up there. He did like to check his email every day - mainly to see if any buddies had sent him any new porn clips. Also, just like the addictive behavior he believed described someone who is pornography addicted, he'd became religious about checking his email. It never occurred to him that his irritability and constant fights with Charlene the week the computer wasn't working were because he couldn't get into his email or online to go to some of his favorite sites.
As Jay became more addicted to pornography things with Charlene got worse. Of course, in his mind, one had nothing to do with the other. Eventually, however, she convinced him that they needed help – counseling. He didn’t really see the need, but agreed to go to make her happy.
Jay's awareness of his problem changed after he began men's counseling at Guy Stuff. He’s begun to see there was more going on than he realized and that his behavior was anything but normal. Here's what he's shared with me about his being addicted to porn:
As Jay and I continued to work together, he's confessed that,
Lusting after women is huge for me. It's my biggest challenge. I live a life of fantasy. What could be. Not just with porn, but in my work, my relationship with Charlene, my whole life."
Jay was starting to understand he had a number of things he needed to work through, and that porn addiction had not only exacerbated existing problems but caused many, many more. The behavior he thought was “no big deal” and “just a normal guy” thing, had nearly cost him his relationship with Charlene and his family.
Are there any parts of Jay's story you can relate to? If you're wondering if you could be addicted to pornography, and maybe even denying it like him too, talk to a professional counselor who knows porn addiction (be careful, though, not a lot of counselors really know how to treat an addiction to porn). Get an expert's opinion. It's too easy for us to talk ourselves out of the truth. Just like Jay.
(Read Part 1 of Jay & Charlene's story - What Porn Addictions Look Like and Part 3 Porn Addiction Help - A Wife Finds Her Husband's Porn).
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 12, 2012. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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Ladies...the best thing for you to do is to value yourself...take back whatever your man's porn use took away...Let him go, and then wait for the man who will really see and lvoe you. If he wants to recover this...he will...If not...there WILL be a man who will. Not all men are blinded by porn...There are still good men out there, and the more women that take a stand for their beauty....the more good men there will be....Come on ladies...do it.
Well It seems our marriage is over... It is much more than porn. There are so many issues in our marriage from day 1 til now. It does not seem it will be fixable. I can't trust him now. we have no communication. He said he told me when we got married that he wasn't a touchy feely guy . well I was pushed away 2 times this is 3 . I can not live with no communication or respect . I am totally beside myself he yells if I would get over it. We would be fine. I asked him to do the web site counselling, he came up I read stuff to him. then he started blaming the computer and phone for our problems. I have disabilities and anxiety disorder. this is not good we lack all communication except for whose will pick up something at the store. If I ask him a simple question why he has live chat, and msg and email on his phone he say's he doesn't have it. omg I was so stressed I have lost it a few times , obbsssed over finding more numbers and he says he has never touched anyone, of course I made the mistake , I was lonley, very lonley . I have tried so hard to make things right. It wasn't enough he wanted me to hurt. well did. now I am just mad. He seems to crave other women's attention although he denies that also. O asked him for a divorce today! I read another blog on another site. it seems we are at the doomed stage. even though semingly we want to work it out. there is really no love or interaction or respect or trust in our marriage. desperate. Wifey
Well guys a blip again, after finding a dvd of women giving virtual blow job,s in my husbands work bag yesterday, we are back down to the LIES..... The LIES THE LIES...... His excuse I cant help it. What hurts the most is we arnt having much sex because he has ED but It works when he dosnt have to hug the DVD afterwards........
Well It's been a year since this last tangent started. He got rid of everything changed his phone number, he says to stop the BS. The only BS he wants stopped are my reactions and pain. Found more phone numbers of people calling him and then he msg's them back. so it doesn't ever show a phone call. He thought I sent him a link to a porn site , I guess out of spite. I didn't send it. someone else did. I asked him who sent him a msg. and he said here take the phone . I found enough, he always deletes everything he does so not to show on the phone even goes so far to show me the phone is on the sound is on but, inside setting he can set it to another phone source which there were several options or he could turn off the setting for everything. while it still was on. lies lies lies... It's sickens me. he uses every excuse. blames me for everything. Yes I have illnesses. and he is the one years ago that told me to stay home I didn't need the stress of work, I was having alot of panick attacks. I now see everything he has been doing is controlling me. I've lost friends over this he calls them. he calls women at work, he has had several girlfriends at work. I don't know who sent him the new dating site. because he never saves there phone numbers unless there in the wonderful sites the new phones all have. It really doesn't matter old phone new phone. He did'nt stop. It was all lies. I feel completly robbed of all sense of myself. He said I now you don't think I love you but I do. and I deleted everyone in my phone. It's only for you. Like I really beleive this NOW!! he is completly addicted to this, and did admit it once he said he stopped but he didn't. We don't talk except texting. and we are not close. but he has all these other women who still have his new number plus all the people inside the site of the phone. he said he was'nt even on . Yet it said his name abd available to chat. and msg's set . chat to text msg" . I love him. But I am so tired of living in this life of lies. and whycan he talk to all of these women and no attempt to talk to me. He says it's because I won't stop about his phone. well it turns out my instincts were right. so wow... I just give up!! Sorry for rambling. I'm very distraught. wifey :/
Reading theses posts have been both therapeutic as well as devastating for me. I'm 42 years old and have been with the same man for almost 4 years. I discovered his porn addition about 6 months into our relationship when I asked to borrow his laptop. Images of naked women appeared. I confronted him & he literally began sweating bullets. He said a friend sent him the pictures & he promised me it wouldn't happen again. 6 months later, I found more images on our personal computer. Again, I confronted, he apologized...same song and dance. Then all was quiet until this past November when I was looking for something in our basement & came across a box w/ a sweatshirt folded neatly on top. After I took the sweatshirt aside, I found a box filled w/ magazines & videos. I was stunned. Again, I confront & he tells me they are from 25 years ago & he didn't even know they were down there. Ok, yes, they were from 25 years ago but why put a random sweatshirt on top? I told him to get them out immediately. They are still sitting in the same spot. Finally, and worst of all, I found a Samsung notebook hidden between 2 mattresses. I looked at it, and again , more porn. The confrontation didn't go so well this time. He blamed me for snooping, told me I was a "psycho" and that I needed to go! We talked and long story short, here I remain. I'm confused as to how this started as our sex life (i thought) was fine....in fact, I was wanting it more than he. Yes, here I sit still with this man who I can't trust. I worry constantly what he's doing when I'm not around. I don't like to brag, but if you saw me, you would be shocked that he's doing this to me. I now have no self-esteem, no self worth, I have become a heavy drinker, and I cut myself daily. I'm truly at the lowest point of my life.
Jenn, Be sure to read ALL the posts on here -- you need to realize this is about him, not you. Please speak to a professional counselor to get some help so you can stop taking this out on yourself. You can contact me through the Contact page or the Ask a Marriage counselor link on the right side of this page. -Kurt