Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
4 Min Read
Contents
Part 2 of 2
People wonder if there are certain characteristics common to midlife crisis men.
Yes, there are specific thoughts and behaviors that routinely contribute to midlife crisis in men.
In the first article on midlife crisis men we talked about Derek and Lauren (read more about Derek here: Midlife Crisis -- Is My Husband Having One?).
One of Lauren's nagging, unanswered questions about Derek’s midlife crisis has always been,
Why didn't he say or do something sooner?”
Often men (women too) don’t recognize the signs that they're experiencing a midlife crisis until they're deep into it. But by the time they realize what they’re really dealing with, if they ever do, a lot of damage has been already done.
A midlife crisis doesn’t announce itself as it’s setting in. Most of the time it creeps up on the person experiencing it, and then subsequently their family.
Typically, by the time things are really bad a lot of time has gone by, and things have gotten complicated and messy.
If, however, you know what to look for it’s possible to get help and potentially avoid some of the heartache.
Let's take a closer look at Derek and see if we can get a better idea why he didn't realize what he was facing.
Below are a few of Derek’s characteristics that may have contributed to his midlife crisis (these are Lauren's realizations and words, and have come out of her doing women's counseling at Guy Stuff):
Lauren was right to be concerned as she noticed these things in Derek. Although they had been present for some time, his intensifying behavior reached a crisis level and began to not just damage but destroy their relationship.
Since I’ve been counseling him there are some additional things I've noticed about Derek's actions and how he's handled his unhappiness. These are also some pretty common characteristics of midlife crisis men.
See if you recognize any of these in yourself or someone you know:
But Derek never shared those thoughts with Lauren.
But Derek never reached out for help
He's told Lauren that it's not her fault -- the old,
It's not you, it's me."
But if that's the case, how is Derek's leaving really fixing his problems?
Can you relate to Derek in any way?
If you can’t personally relate to Derek, maybe you know someone just like him. His story is actually not uncommon at all.
What about Lauren and the problems she’s having with a husband like Derek?
If you’re concerned that you or someone you love is displaying characteristics of a midlife crisis, keep these things in mind:
Sadly, many men think a lot like Derek and try to fix their unhappiness using the same thinking and actions that caused the unhappiness in the first place. Unfortunately, midlife crisis men often create their own midlife crisis (another common characteristic).
So, don't be a Derek. Get some help.
This is the second article of two discussing midlife crisis men. Read more about Derek and Lauren in the first article: Midlife Crisis -- Is My Husband Having One? Sign-up for our Blog below and get notified of other articles on men and relationships like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 19, 2010, it was updated on April 24, 2018, and again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Hi Kurt, I would like to talk to you about working with you but need to ask you some questions about some concerns first. How can I speak to you?
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My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married 5. I have two children and he doesn't have any children. I was 31 and he was 45 when we met. The age difference has never been an issue. He loves my children as if they were his own. Although my son being 14 when we met has been difficult, but he and my daughter bonded almost instantly. Shortly after we got married, my chronic illness took a turn for the worse and I was in and out of the hospital for 2 years. He was supportive. He was worried about hurting me so sex was nonexistent, and he took to looking on the internet (I found out later). What started with looking at women turned to looking at men. He said it was that he didn't feel right looking at women, and thought by looking at men it wasn't as bad... he is now fascinated with looking at men and had admitted (recently) to fantasizing about oral sex with a man. In an effort to understand and be supportive I told him to try it out and see how he feels. He declined. About three months ago he started working out to meet the physical demands of his job. Around this time he tells me he doesn't love me anymore. He had been distant, but he works 70-90 hours a week and it is hard work, so I assumed he was just exhausted. We don't have an overly active sex life, but in the past year it's like he is not even in the room. When he told me his feelings I urged him to go to the doctor. He went last week and was advised that he is probably depressed. He can't take the medication due to his job and refuses any type of counseling. While he is experiencing these fantasies he is still fairly traditional and feels extremely guilty. Personally I think the guilt had brought on the depression. He went to see a lawyer last week and didn't tell me until last night. His job will be taking him out of town soon. I want to suggest letting this act as a separation of sorts so he can figure out what he wants. He will be out of state for 2 years. The last thing I want is a divorce, and then the thought of devastating my daughter. I just don't know what to do.
30 years married, 1 grown son out of the house. Over past few years we have seen and talked about some of our peers who have broken up. We agreed that it makes sense to stay together, unless the relationship was THAT bad. We don’t feel without love, but certainly have become more “roommate than romance”.
She is supportive of my outside interests (artistic endeavors), and that certainly has come into question for our relationship, as it can mean 3 nights/wk out of the house.
About 18 months ago, a friendship started to develop between a MARRIED young woman and myself. A kind of “mutual admiration” society, and I really was NOT LOOKING for anything to happen, but, yes about 8 months later I realized I had feelings for this lady. She advised (with her Psychology background) that we could be friends, but that was all. Of course over the next few months I found myself looking for more time to be with her, in group or 1-on-1 situations, and we probably had about 6 of the “dates” over the course of the next 6 months. I should also point out that NOTHING happened between us during this time, not that I didn’t try to sneak a kiss in here and there, but NOTHING happened. I also admit I was trying to develop the friendship to see where it might go.
About 6 weeks ago, the tell tale red roses showed up at her desk, clearly signaling that she had moved on (in fact, as a friend, we had joked about who she might be dating, and it is pretty clear, 6 weeks later that they are VERY serious.) I expressed my sadness, and overwhelmed her with my pouring out of emotions, since she maintains that was all we had. I get it, but once the emotions are involved… so now that friendship is strained, at best. The immediate result for me was loss of sleep, loss of weight, and (in case you thought I forgot about her) some serious concern from my wife.
I have told her this change is due to the old mid-life crisis thing, and I don’t think she needs to know the specifics, but it certainly has opened up the discussion of “what is next?” for us individually and as a couple.
I realize this might make me seem like as big a JERK as all the guys seem to be, but I want there to be a chance for us to get the PASSION back that we had for each other, and that I briefly found with my friend. I suppose if there WAS romance with the friend it would be a different conversation. Don’t really want to go there…would really like to make it work with my wife…and open to listening. Thanks for the chance to rant…
Fred. I'd suggest that you court your wife, all over again. Do fun, romantic, and exciting things together (research shows that doing exciting things together as a couple is especially useful in terms of invigorating relationships - the excitement of the activity tends to make us view our partner as exciting). Get to know each other all over again - besides the day to day life stuff, e.g. what is she passionate about, and why? What would she love to do? Google this: "the 36 questions that lead to love" Active listening, loving respect, showing you care - these things can transform what has become humdrum due to thinking you know each other inside out, when in fact there is always so much more to know about each other.... I bet you will be surprised and delighted if you put in this effort.
Good luck. Let us know how you get on, if you feel like sharing. I hope you rekindle that passion and joy.
Good luck.
Dave, when you decided to look around you cheated. When you allowed yourself to start a long distance texting relationship with the said woman, you stopped feeding your marriage relationship. You say you care about your wife, the woman you have lived with and that has not wronged you but you say you are in love with this woman you have not lived with, who you have cheated with knowing you are married. Are you just crazy or are you a cad or both?
Dave, when you decided to look around you cheated. When you allowed yourself to start a long distance texting relationship with the said woman, you stopped feeding your marriage relationship. You say you care about your wife, the woman you have lived with and that has not wronged you but you say you are in love with this woman you have not lived with, who you have cheated with knowing you are married. Are you just crazy or are you a cad or both?