Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
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Contents
Wondering what verbal emotional abuse looks like?
Let's start with what it feels like. Verbal emotional abuse feels like getting punched and hugged at the same time.
When you love someone and feel like they love you too, it’s hard to imagine that they could, or would, do anything deliberately to hurt you. Even when they do hurt you it’s easy to explain away their actions with, “he didn’t mean it” or “she was just angry.”
So, admitting that what a person you love is doing to you is verbally and emotionally abusive can be really difficult.
Verbal emotional abuse can also be especially difficult to recognize when you're in the middle of it.
Often a verbal abuser will make it seem like they care for you at the same time they're hurting you deeply.
The wounds from being verbally abused aren’t obvious either, unlike those from being physically abused. They’re subtle, internal wounds, tearing apart your self-esteem and self-identity.
Often victims will blame themselves, believing they’ve done something wrong or caused the abuser to act this way. And abusers will work hard to promote that belief, saying things like,
After all, they love you, right?
That’s not love – that’s them . . .
There's no abuse in a loving and healthy relationship.
The image of someone being yelled at and told how worthless they are may bring to mind a cowering woman with no self-confidence.
The truth is that victims of verbal emotional abuse come in all forms.
and everyone in-between can be victimized this way.
The common denominator is that the abuser is someone they love, and they believe loves them too.
Take a look at what some victims of verbal emotional abuse have to say.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Can you see yourself or someone you love in these stories of verbal emotional abuse?
If so, it’s time to make some changes. That can be easier said than done, but it’s necessary.
If you’re being emotionally abused, take the following steps to begin to get change:
None of these things are easy. Change in any form is rarely easy, but changing behavior that’s verbally and emotionally abusive is crucial.
Verbal emotional abuse is particularly difficult because it can feel both angry and loving at the same time. Abusive behavior is manipulative behavior, so it’s very common for abuse victims to end up feeling they’re at fault for the abuse.
If you suspect you’re being verbally and emotionally abused, know this:
If you think you may be a victim of verbal emotional abuse in your relationship, take another look at the real-life examples above. And understand that you’ll almost certainly need professional help to learn what to do.
As the last quote said, verbal abuse can make you feel "crazy," so you'll need a professional therapist to help you recognize the truth and restore the real 'you.'
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 10, 2010, updated on November 06, 2018, and updated again accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and not always a bad one. It can nudge us to do better, apologize when we’re wrong, and keep us from being deceptive. But when guilt is used as a tool to control or shame someone, or to maintain the upper hand in a relationship, it becomes dangerous and detrimental to emotional health.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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Hi i need advice
When me and my wife argue i call her a fat........
It has got to the stage where it just blurts out without me thinking about it but i do regret it every time and wish i could take it back.
We are both in our early 30s and have been married for 5yrs.
Alex, Good job in taking responsibility and recognizing that you're behavior isn't right. That's the first step to making a change. You might want to consider seeing a professional counselor to figure out why you have such a response to arguments with your wife. -Kurt
Hi everyone
I just have a quick question of my parents have been married for 22 years and they bicker is that a sign of a huge problem? Like my parents don't call each other names or at all but sometimes my dad gets angry if you kinda order him around too much or raise your voice unintentionally. He has never laid a finger on my mom nor does he call her names unless it's a big fight which the last time they had one was like two or three years ago and they both called each other idiots. However if they bicker like my dad gets angry and raises his voice at my mom because she might of orders him around too much or raised her voice unintentionally is that emotional abuse or is that just bickering?? It happens like 4 times a week but my mom argues back and then they make up like in an hour. Sorry I just keep repeating. After everything I said is that emotional abuse or just arguing btw couples??
Brian, That's very nice that you would reach out here out of concern for your parents. It's totally normal for people who have been together for so long to sometimes bicker. Keep reading the articles in the Abusive Relationships section to get a clearer picture of what emotional abuse looks like. -Kurt
Thank you Kurt for your answer. The only reason I wondered is you hear all about these couples that never argue and my parents do so I'm like wow that might be a problem. However I read the emotional abuse section and he doesn't do anything of that sort. He respects my mom and compliments her on stuff, it's just that he has a personality type where he thinks everyone is trying to hurt him and/or he doesn't like to be told what to do and that usually leads to bickering btw. them so that's why I was wondering. Thank you for the information.
We have been married for almost 10 years and gave 3 kids together.
Long story short,
2 years ago because of his social drinking habit, my brother in law wasn't happy because my husband collapsed at work so my brother in law told me to take my husband 's key away and lock him out until he's willing to change or compromise. I was pregnant with baby no. 3
Didn't think and took his advice, from then my life has changed completely. He hasn't been happy with me and have done a lot of things against me. He digged up stories I told him about my ex boyfriend and another man who I used to date before I met him.
He gave me no choice but forcing me to answer what I did with them and explain it. Sometimes, I answered to shut him up and because I was annoyed. Little did I know , the more I answered the worst it gets. He has been saying things like I am a liar, and he asked where I made out with a man I dated , then if he doesn't like the answer I gave him he would call me a slut and said if he knew he wouldn't have married me because he thinks I was a good girl.
I don't know what to do, if I don't answer he will not talk to me. If I answer then I am a b"""tch
I know that he is doing this to me to hurt my feeling or he is not happy that I listen to his brother and locked him out of the house. But I apologised many times. I just don't know whether he is going to stop or I should leave this marriage.
He pays the bills and look after everything else. This is the only problem that we have but it is out of control. Please give me some advice
Anne, Only you know if leaving is right for you. Addictions are very difficult to deal with. Before making any life altering decisions, it would be wise to seek out a professional who can help you weigh your options from an unbiased view point. In the meantime, read some of the posts in the section Addiction on the right of this page for more information. -Kurt
I have been with my husband for 3 years now. He is a veteran with ptsd and is off of work due to an injury. He is always angry over something trivial such as my daughter sleeping in an hour or the way one of us looked at him. He is hurtful with his words telling me I am selfish, non caring, and reminds me how annoying I am. His latest comment was that I use too many bg words that he doesn't understand and to him that is stupid and I dont talk like a normal human being. He told me he was considering leaving me because I covered up the way I speak when I met him. This makes no sense to me. I love him but I am tired of the daily drama and fighting. I am exhausted and tired of being called a bad wife. The last time I asked for a divorce...he laughed at me, pulled down his pants to expose himself and asked me if I was ready to give him a bj now. I can't believe I am ready to end a marriage only 3 years in. Our frst year was great, but since then it has been a nightmare.
Dawna, Being at home much more than normal along with the other issues you mention, is bound to be harder on everyone. That said, what we allow will continue, and no one deserves that kind of treatment. Have you given counseling a try? Only you know if leaving is the right thing for you, but a counselor give you unbiased guidance. This isn't a decision you want to make while emotional. Also, see the Divorce Advice section of the site for additional suggestions and information. -Kurt
Thank you for the reply. I am in therapy myself but he doesn't want to participate. He says he will start seeing his va therapist again. I hope he does and I have made it clear what I am unable to tolerate and that if he wants help, I will support that. I am trying very hard not to act too quickly and make the wrong decision.
I am in the same situation, i have been with my man for 15 years and have 4 beautiful children. Controlling, condescending, rude, adusive, self-righteous, ignorant of my hurt and feeling, gas lighting are all things that i am going through. He shouts at me and will not stop until i break down and cry. Everything is my fault, even if he tells me what to do and its not perfect its still my fault. Even if companies do stuff its my fault still, Im not as inteligent as he, i dont know anything and according to him as he told my kids i have bad blood and thats why i do all these things... (like excuse me). He will make me admit to things that i have not done and will force me to admit it even if i have never done it and this guy can go 50 rounds and im just left weak, and just give up. If i deny it he just says im a liar and we will argue all day and night and he just has this overpowering personality. I have no family and friends because he turned them all against me, if i fight or go against him, he starts ranting that i do not wear the trousers. He sits the children down and talks about me to them and all the stuff thats happened and stuff that isnt true or has stretched from the truth. We both are Christians and although he was in the church from infancy he thinks he is the better christian. I try to be a good women and humble myself, its got to the point where now i just pretend to listen and close my eyes and ears to it. But in truth its impossible and now i love him but im not inlove with him anymore. But i cannot get out. I have nothing and no one to turn to. So i sit in silence and praying for better days to come. My nerves are all shot and i tend to shake now.
My point is, if you stay things will not get better unless he wished to hear you and wants to repair your relationship. I do not believe in Divorce and so i am staying but its not easy. I know first hand how it is that you just want to scream your heart out and it would be of no use and he would never hear and listen.
Rebecca, Remember that your kids are learning how adults behave to each other and what a relationship should look like from you. What we allow will continue, and you can decide what you will and won't tolerate. There are ways to help yourself. Do an online search for a local women’s shelter. You can also call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. -Kurt
Thank you Kurt for your message, i do appreciate what you are saying. But you see its not as simple as just leaving. I did leave a few yeasr back and ended up going back. My children wanted their dad and we couldn't take our pets with us, it was a hopeless situation where the children was more broken hearted than me and i promised never to have my children in a broken home. So i went back and decided to soldier it. I dont want you to think that my partner is anyway abusive to my children in fact he is a saint when it comes to the kids. He never swears at me or hardly shouts at me until they have gone to school etc. Its just the way he makes me feel when he does what he does. When i returned i did lay down so so called rules one being that he never hurts me physically again and up to this day he kept his promise. But it is just the way he behaves and makes me feel that really hurts me.