There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
Reader Question:
I’m a wife surviving infidelity -- again! I have been married for 3 years now, to my second husband. There was infidelity with my first marriage and I have now found out that my current husband has been watching internet porn and chatting online and has even chatted about secretly meeting people. He states he has not followed through with it but not much more communication with each other beyond that. When I ask about going to marriage counseling, he never answers me and always ignores the question. I am going to schedule an appt. for myself but what else can I do to survive infidelity?" -Katie B.
My Answer:
Surviving infidelity can seem impossible, but it’s not. You don’t say what you did when it happened in your first marriage, but I’m glad to hear that you’re ready to take action this time around.
Don’t let his ignoring your requests to talk about it and go to counseling stop you from addressing the infidelity. And, yes this is infidelity. We all want to ignore or minimize things we’re embarrassed about or don’t want to be honest about, so his non-response is not surprising. However, his lack of respect for you is a much bigger concern.
I’m working with several women right now whose husband’s are doing the same thing – denying there’s any problem in their relationships and refusing to go to counseling to discuss their wife’s concerns. One wife is still surviving infidelity from 3 years ago. In my work with these women, we’re developing ways for them to be heard and responded to by their husbands. This is where you need to focus your energy.
-Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
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sorry to hear about that my sister. i'M RIGHT NOW in the position to tell you that, if you love your husband, you will do everything possible to help him overcome. i passed through all the process of cheating even though it is not sleep together but found out sms from women in my husband phone. It can be painful to know that someone you trust can mail another women with love words. But what is important is to wake up for your marriage. I confronted him and he assured me that it is nothing. Now i am everyday checking on his phone and can found sms from the women begging him. I will not say i don'T CARE BUT WHAT I KNOW IT'S THAT HE IS WITH ME EVERY DAY AND OT HOME SO I AM WORKING ON AT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM AGAIN. TO TELL U THE TRUTH I CAN NOW SEE THAT I WAS TAKING MY HUSBAND FOR GRANTED BUT THIS MISTAKE IF I CAN CALL THAT OPEN MY EYES
my husband is a master at micro cheating, and infidelity. Looking back through out our 27yr. marriage it seems like he was always looking for a way out, w/ several women that he always played down or lied about. Why did I stay? A part of me wanted to believe that he would treat me or find me as interesting as the others. And of course he always pleated w/me to stay promising things would be better. Then there is my 2 boys. It all starts small and then one day you realize that your the one doing all the work in the relationship. For the last 1 1/2 our relationship is ok. I am 57 yrs. old and so drained, empty,and lonely. He has said he need more attention in the past that's why he wandered. But I can get past my feelings. A part of me thinks he needs to be the one to step up his game to keep me. Help I am desperate.
Hi Kim, In order for a relationship to be happy and healthy bot partners need to be engaged and work together. It definitely can be difficult at times though. I suggest you try having an open and honest conversation about how you are feeling about your marriage and what you need from your relationship. Encourage him to do the same. This conversation can help to set the groundwork for things to move forward. - Dr. Kurt