What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
A common complaint I hear in counseling men is that there's no sex in marriage. If you're one of those guys who has a marriage without sex, I've got some good news. Women complain about no sex in marriage too. Check out "My Husband Won't Have Sex with Me" for one example.
It may be surprising to learn that more wives than not want to have sex with their husbands. That certainly goes against what many of the guys I work with believe regarding their marriages, especially the ones who say they have no sex in their marriage. It’s true though.
It may be really hard for some men to believe, but most women enjoy and want sex as much as they do. They just want more than a quick, physical interaction. It’s a myth that women don’t like sex, or that after marriage and kids they’re no longer interested. The truth is that it’s easy for both partners to get lazy and forget that sex is about more than just the act. Women in particular are looking for more to the experience than just the physical, and can become disinterested when it’s a matter of just sex with very little emotional connection. Of course, they also play a role in that as well.
More proof can be found at iVillage, an online community for women, in their 2012 Married Sex Survey; a poll of the sex lives of 1,001 wives ages 18-49. The results will be shocking if you're in a marriage with no intimacy.
Here's the REALLY GOOD NEWS for men:
So what is a man to do when he feels trapped in a marriage with no sex? Well, to begin with, talking and connecting with his wife is a good start. Before you can start complaining about the lack of sex in your marriage you really need to give some thought to whether the effort you’re making is right and enough. Understanding what your wife wants and how she feels about your sex life is key. She bears responsibility here too though - a happy and healthy sex life is a two-way street.
In addition, there are some specific things that women commonly respond to when it comes to generating interest in sex.
What helps to get women in the mood for sex? Here are some of the key components that women have cited.
What can husbands do with this info if they're in a marriage without sex? Communicating with her and creating a more intimate and personal connection is the biggest, and most beneficial thing they can do. Below are three specific actions you can begin to do right now that will help get her in the mood.
No sex in marriage is no fun and not particularly healthy. Now we know that's true for both husbands and wives. The best news of all is that you can do something to change a marriage with no intimacy.
Stop right now and think of 1 thing you can do from the above list that wives say they want. Guys, let's stop complaining about no sex in marriage and start doing something about it.
What else can you do? Take our Partner Rater Quiz and get more ideas about how you can change a marriage without sex and love.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 24, 2012. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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Very important for men to know that woman get turned off, when their man looks at a beautiful/sexy woman (on tv or on the street etc) and then start making sexual advances towards his partner/wife...this makes us very uncomfortable and makes us feel like they lust after other woman, but will settle for what they can get...which is you...
For the record, I'm a clean-shaven, healthy guy who enjoys being happy, having and giving affection and treating people with kindness. The things described below were consistent and regular treatment. I have been married for 18 years. We've had this kind of trouble for 14 years.
I must have had a different problem than what you're describing above.
When I'd walk in the bedroom, my wife would immediately say, "We're not doing anything tonight" as if that was news to me. When I told my wife she looked beautiful, she would get mad and say all I "want is sex."
When I would come home from work and take over with the kids or give her weekends alone to rest, or do house maintenance as she requested, she would say I "shouldn't expect that I would get sex for doing those things." I tell her "I never expected it, I just hoped."
She regularly called me "ma'am" in front of the kids.
When I'd put up pictures from our wedding day, she'd take them down and put them in a corner saying she had "different plans for them."
When I'd ask her to go away with me for the weekend, she'd always have an excuse why we couldn't. This happened about 10 times.
When I'd finally convince her to be intimate with me, she'd say in an extremely unkind tone, "FINE, get a towel. But you take YOUR clothes off first."
When I'd try gently to help her out of her clothes, she's say, "Excuse me, EXCUSE ME! I've got this..."
Then she'd lay there like she was in a coma. Except to wake up and tell me to "hurry it up - isn't that what guys want?" I'd say, "No, I wanted to make you feel nice - to make love with you."
When it was time to have kids, she'd say, "All right, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, today is the day I can get pregnant, hury it up it has to be today." I told her "I imagined it a little differently, like that our baby would come from love." Then she'd say, "oh of course I love you now hurry it up it has to be today!"
This list goes on and on. She hated the thought of being with me, and yet now doesn't want me to leave. She admitted that she treated me this way. She said, "It's not you, it's me. I have a very hard time loving you and I don't know why."
Yep, that's been painfully obvious. I don't know why either. I'm done.
You sound like a very nice man, I can't believe that she is like this but I know a lot of people like her. You see she has never recieved love, I bet her parents are nasty people too who happens to downgrade love. Your wife would benefit from self love, loving herself which also comes from loving your surroundings. Love is from within and unless she changes even if she was with another man she would treat him also bad. She is a lucky lady and I hope that she changes so that she dosn't loose you.
I understand the wife completely. You repulse her. It may be your smell, skin type (oily, fair) hair on body, any number of things. At first I tried and was willing to let my "dreams" of attraction go but, my husband wasn't as willing. The more he held on to his dreams and fantasies and porn and crushes etc I saw more and more of what I was trying to suppress for the sake of a very real chance of having a partner. Fantasies are all we both have now. Stuck in a religious commitment - If you have not hurt her in some way that has been the betrayal that caused this then she always found you unattractive but was giving it effort and just faced reality and can't do it.
Your wife sounds like a bitch dude. Honestly, I have the same problem in reverse. My husband will go MONTHS without showing me ANY affection, the ONLY time we have sex is if I initiate it and even then 9 times outta 10 he blows me off in favor of porn. He never tells me he loves me, he never shows me any affection, he never does ANYTHING he should do unless I say or do it first.
We both work from home so he could pick ANY time of day to show me affection or have sex but never does. I mean I do everything for him, I keep the house clean, I do all the cooking, I do all the shopping, he never has to lift a finger and yet STILL I get ignored. Literally the only time he notices I’m not around is if I haven’t brought him something to eat. If it weren't for that I could be gone a month and he would never notice.
The porn thing is what pisses me off the most, I mean I am here all day long with him there is NO REASON to go watch porn instead. He knows that and just doesn’t seem to care what I want or how I feel about it. Yesterday I caught him doing it again.
He took his laptop into the bathroom for two hours to watch porn and then tried to lie to me about it. Unfortunately he didn’t even bother to clean up after himself and left it all over the damn bathroom floor. When I called him on it with the proof he got mad at ME for “complaining” about it and took a hammer to his laptop and said, “Are you happy now?! Now I can't do it anymore!” Then threw the damn thing at me. Its never ending I just don’t know what to do.
Glenna, You could start by changing this: "I mean I do everything for him, I keep the house clean, I do all the cooking, I do all the shopping, he never has to lift a finger and yet STILL I get ignored. Literally the only time he notices I’m not around is if I haven’t brought him something to eat." -Kurt
Dear Dr. Kurt:
I've been married for a couple of decades. My husband and I are contented together - we are good friends - we have each other''s back. We trust each other and are very comfortable in our relationship.
The problem is - we don't have sex - nor are we physically intimate anymore. We are both busy, and neither of us feels like doing "it" ("it" being sex, touching or deep kissing).
So a little background, my husband lost his career and we lost our home a few years back - no one's fault just the darn economy, but we helped each other and got through it. It was tough - my husband realizes he was depressed and is just coming out of it. And now my husband is retraining for a new career in engineering - it's rough as he is 50 and back in school for a couple of years but he loves is. I'm 9 years older than my husband and right in the middle of his schooling I got cancer. I did well and my husband managed. He wanted to drop out of his program and take care of me - and I forbade it... his future is important too (it's not just all about me).
I look at some other couples we know and we are so much happier, relaxed and comfortable with each other compared to those people. Sometimes my "friends" comment about how hard it must be on me having such a young husband .. and all I can do is guffaw. I mean if I thought that way I would have a problem, but my confidence in myself and my husband is very high. He contributes to that confidence by being very attentive and by being totally and obviously loyal. I am lucky - however I picked my husband carefully.
So what's bothering me is twofold: 1. We don't have sex and are not comfortable when we force ourselves to try, and
2. Neither of us really feels "that way" anymore. It's weird, we are not unhappy, neither one of us is ill (I'm much healthier now and my husband is healthy too) we are in a good place in our relationship, and we do not fight about this sex issue - we just lie in bed talking about when I raise the issue (because I think we should be doing it - not that I really want to) and when we push ourselves to try anything we either end up laughing or just getting uncomfortable enough psychologically that we stop (and it seems to happen to both of us equally).
I suppose the real problem is I feel like we should have sex or at least want it. Where am I going wrong here?
BJ, I have to say, you sound overall like you and your husband are happy. Putting pressure on yourselves as a couple to do or be something your are not can cause unnecessary stress and anxiety. If you and your husband decide you want to address that aspect of your relationship and bring it back, you may want to seek assistance. A direct conversation with your husband about where this falls as a priority in your lives and relationship is probably a good first step. -Dr. Kurt
Omg, I could of written this, it's exactly the same as my partner. I became so enraged at him that we had a huge fight and are no longer together. I feel sad but I know it will be better than having to worry about him all the time. You've probably done this, searched and searched on the Internet trying to find the answers, trying to understand to no avail. I just really feel that he dosn't love me by the way I am being treated, but when I said that to him he says he does love me, but I don't believe him. I was one of those women that was going to have to accept it if I wanted to stay. But I couldn't live that way, him doing his thing and me having no love and affection so we're appart because it turned violent and I never want to see him again.
I know it's been 3 years since you posted and may not see this. But I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I'm sorry you felt unloved and unworthy.
If you don't like where you are, move. You are not a tree.
Chris, I'm very sorry to hear that you've had years of this abuse from your wife. I'm working with another guy who had the same experience. His wife is now in counseling with me and acknowledges that she was abusive towards him for all those years, and is learning why and how to change. Don't lose hope that she can change. -Kurt
I can relate to Chris with what he is going thru, my issue is like I must earn sex or get punished for not acting or doing something or anything. 24 years of marriage thru highs and lows, no affairs just an angry wife, she went 1 year of withholding sex and proudly said she could do it again. Been to counseling so many times, counselor tells her to deal with herself and we'll have some good days, weeks or a few months then it back to the one side of the bed push my hand away stuff and don't touch me while the day is long. All the ladies from the church give her advice but she counter acts with they don't speak for her, I should not expect anything and she does not have to do anything and I can't force her to do anything. Whatever it's been too long for this non-sense, I cook, I do the groceries, I make all the school lunches and get the kiddies off to school, I pick the kiddies up from school and stay home until she gets in from work then I leave to go back to work in my office getting in after 12:00am or later only to get up again at 6:30am to start it all over again. I do the dishes morning and night and take out the trash, I repair HER car (she say's its hers) and if I don't do any of these things then I'm a bad husband and bad father because I'm not taking care of my family. When our business was doing good she was great, after 11 years and having to close the business and run a smaller one with only a 1/4 of the income now I'm a free loader. I pay the rent and pay for the food, clothes, b-day parties, medical and anything extra and I pay and have all the taxes done on a yearly bases going over everything and I have to pull teeth to get receipts and to find out what she makes on a contract. Chris I hear you LOUD and CLEAR, the POORER and WORST never applies to these women just the RICH and HEALTH part of the vows.
Burning Sun: "Chris I hear you LOUD and CLEAR, the POORER and WORST never applies to these women just the RICH and HEALTH part of the vows."
Burning Sun, I'm pretty much convinced that this is the issue with my wife, as well. Things have never been the same between us sexually, since the company I worked for fired me, then folded, five years ago. She withheld sex for over six months back then, and she still hasn't gotten beyond once every six weeks or so (and then only when she drinks, which she will not do with me).
Even the fact that I got a new job within a few months, has made no difference. I complement her ( since I truly am in love with her), I cook, I clean, I do laundry. None of this is enough to give her the space to even consider us as a sexual couple, any more.
I say that we have three real problems, sexually. One, she's lost her sex drive, two, she doesn't care that she has, and three, she doesn't care how I feel about it.
I'm too old to get with someone else, but I am also too old to be living with someone and having to hide to jerk off, so I'm going to have to get out.
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