What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
A common complaint I hear in counseling men is that there's no sex in marriage. If you're one of those guys who has a marriage without sex, I've got some good news. Women complain about no sex in marriage too. Check out "My Husband Won't Have Sex with Me" for one example.
It may be surprising to learn that more wives than not want to have sex with their husbands. That certainly goes against what many of the guys I work with believe regarding their marriages, especially the ones who say they have no sex in their marriage. It’s true though.
It may be really hard for some men to believe, but most women enjoy and want sex as much as they do. They just want more than a quick, physical interaction. It’s a myth that women don’t like sex, or that after marriage and kids they’re no longer interested. The truth is that it’s easy for both partners to get lazy and forget that sex is about more than just the act. Women in particular are looking for more to the experience than just the physical, and can become disinterested when it’s a matter of just sex with very little emotional connection. Of course, they also play a role in that as well.
More proof can be found at iVillage, an online community for women, in their 2012 Married Sex Survey; a poll of the sex lives of 1,001 wives ages 18-49. The results will be shocking if you're in a marriage with no intimacy.
Here's the REALLY GOOD NEWS for men:
So what is a man to do when he feels trapped in a marriage with no sex? Well, to begin with, talking and connecting with his wife is a good start. Before you can start complaining about the lack of sex in your marriage you really need to give some thought to whether the effort you’re making is right and enough. Understanding what your wife wants and how she feels about your sex life is key. She bears responsibility here too though - a happy and healthy sex life is a two-way street.
In addition, there are some specific things that women commonly respond to when it comes to generating interest in sex.
What helps to get women in the mood for sex? Here are some of the key components that women have cited.
What can husbands do with this info if they're in a marriage without sex? Communicating with her and creating a more intimate and personal connection is the biggest, and most beneficial thing they can do. Below are three specific actions you can begin to do right now that will help get her in the mood.
No sex in marriage is no fun and not particularly healthy. Now we know that's true for both husbands and wives. The best news of all is that you can do something to change a marriage with no intimacy.
Stop right now and think of 1 thing you can do from the above list that wives say they want. Guys, let's stop complaining about no sex in marriage and start doing something about it.
What else can you do? Take our Partner Rater Quiz and get more ideas about how you can change a marriage without sex and love.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 24, 2012. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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How can i get my husband to show me love and to want me
Tina, Read the articles under the tag 'Love is Gone' for ideas. -Kurt
The LOVE IS GONE link is broken.
Melissa, I'm not sure what link you're referring to. The 'Love is Gone' link is in the righthand column of this page under 'Browse by Topic' and is working fine. -Kurt
I thought my mrs lost her sex drive i did think it was me a bit making her unhappy and now i know why. We been together 12 years not married but good as with a 5year old girl. I did used to bang on about gettin more sex and she said ur obsessed go away she has sex with me about once every month to 3 months and its not love making its just her tellin me to get in with it then. This has been going on for 5 years or 6 years. I did get fat an un attractive but i done something about it lost 4 stone done kung fu classes and got in best shape of my life but she was none the more bothered. I knew she still got horny cos she vibrated but didnt want sex ......?? I thought maybe its her anyway 3 weeks ago i found out she was chattin her ex ip on facebook from when she was 15 16... they sent nude pictures to each other and i found out that they met up but just said hello but they were planning to meet up for sex. Some of the things ahe said to him made me feel sick to the stomach stuff like u make me so horny and i realy want u ur the one i want. I was devestated as shes not ever said stuff like that to me b4.... i was ay a lost end of course this was all i could see from facebook but they had tex each other two. The last fb message was april 7 saying i want u. When i found out i went mad lost my mind and eventually rung her to say wtf goin on. She said shed got over him amd it was a big mistake and i ahould move on like she had i said it was only 3 weeks ago what if u screwed him bla bla bla u could ruined our relationship u never talk to me undont want me or love me she said she does love me. At a lose end i tried making her feel guilty and feel sorey for me but then my ways have changed ive realised i may have been the reel problem so ive started dressing smarter doin my hair helping her with washing.... i still dont know if i can believe or trust her but im trying to get her to see that i am the man she needs after all. Ive laid off the sarcy comments about it amd had a positive day yesterday. we had a meal last night and listened to music after and it was fun she puts her arms round me etc and kisses me but not passionate amd its hurting me that shes not crazy for me like she was for this guy ahe was messaging. What hurts the most is it appears im not man enough for her i wrote some soppy messages about what she means to me real from the heart stuff but she didnt seem to take it in much ahe justs cold shoulders the whole situation and wants to forget it but i dont know if thats just cos she got caught out and that it may be continuing after a cooling off ?????? . I love thisbwomen to bits shes my world and i told her that.. after seeing this site i noticed i should of done things a bit differently. She may of been out of me cos i iaed porn but she didnt no that much cos i done it private though i watch it 3 times a day . I only really watch porn cos i wernt getting sex so it was vicious circle i much prefer to be with her. I learnt of nofap website so tried quitting porn but slowy got back into it i dodnt know i had a problem but i must off and it must be in advertantly effecting our relationship. Ive 100 percent stopped it now and when i wank i think of her. We havent had sex since i found out though we were planning to the day after i found out but it disnt happen Im not asking for sex 5 nites a week im asking for love and emotion from mrs and i believe sex ahould be a part and i want her to desire me but its no rush i know it takes time i just need to know she wants to want me like i want her. Like i said im smartening myself up being nicer to her doing her favours and complements... i can only try and then see what happens i may be disappointed if it turns sour and she leaves but at least im doin something about it. Wish me luck and any tips really appreciated. I could probably mention more but cant think clear. Im hurt by the messages i read but im trying not to show that now and im trying to man up and be better for her and for myself or i will just drag myself down into a depression. I know being needy and depressed wont make her want me and i dont wanna rush i wanna try go with the flo though i must admit its very hard to to want sex because she is stunning a real heart breaker in every way im lucky to be able to have a beautiful woman like her. But shes not just pretty she mesmerisez me with the way she walks talks... im realy into her im sure she had a bit of that for me few years back i just want to be together and really happy. Oh she did mention cpl weeka back bout wanting another child with me which was weird after reading what ahe said to that guy??maybe ahe was over him but is that because he cooled it off or she wernt interested? Im not so sure. Anyway time will tell. Wish me luck please ! Heres to better life and relations!
I have been married for 18 years. Together for 23 years. The last 15 years has been have been tough. Little by little the sex is drying up. The worst part is she refuses to discuss the topic. I spend hours massaging licking and loving on her. She just goes to sleep. I am just trying to hold on till our son graduates college and moves out, then I'm next. Nothing works and she doesn't even try anymore. It hurts me to watch her get hot over an actor/model and never me. I have tried all of the suggestions except counseling. She won't go. Nothing left to do but move on. Still love her but not willing to live like this any longer.
Fed up
Carlos, There could be a number of reasons why she is feeling adverse to having sex. Counseling was the right suggestion for you to make. Even if she won't go, go without her. Marriage counseling doesn't need both partners to be beneficial. In my experience, once one goes, the other partner wants to, too. -Kurt
Married 30 years with sexual ups and downs. At this point I agree with my husband's assertion that we have a sexless marriage (once a month or less for the past several years).
How does this happen? Perhaps it's a kind of "tossed salad" of life changes and circumstances?
Being married and running businesses together is stressful (more for me, than him, it seems). Raising a child with someone you're often at odds with is frustrating. And we're just different people, with different needs, opinions and quirks - who have never learned to respectfully "agree to disagree".
I started (Christian) counseling about five years ago, feeling totally overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility that had fallen on me from our businesses. I finally learned the meaning of boundaries (thank you Cloud & Townsend). It also became clear to me that the something awful (sexual) that I suspected had happened to me as a small child was real. I had intermittent episodes of PTSD. That's gone, but it caused me to push him away, out of fear and emotional discomfort. Menopause wasn't helpful, either.
So, I'm here looking for a different way - not out, not back, but forward. How do we love on each other again?
(Kurt, I totally agree with your post about men loving their children. My husband is often critical of our daughter, worries about her constantly, can't seem to acknowledge that she's an adult (25 yrs old), refers to her as being "naive" and "young for her age". This hurts me and is probably why he and she aren't closer. She's certainly not perfect, but she was raised as a Christian (incl. Christian college), is living in an apartment with three Christian girls, is kind & moral & mostly responsible. What more do you want from your child?)
Man, I thought I was the only one in a love less marrage. I so happy that a found this site. I just google controling wife and WOW!