What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
4 Min Read
Contents
We receive many questions from married couples who are struggling to find happiness together. Often many of them have begun to wonder if the reason they’re unhappy is because they married the wrong person.
The ideal marriage is one that creates a partnership for life. However, facing the rest of your life together when you believe you’ve married the wrong person can be disheartening and depressing.
Below is a question we received from Andrew, a man in just this situation. He’s concerned that he may have made a mistake when he married his wife and unsure of what to do about it. My answer follows.
Reader Question:
I married the wrong person. I've been married for 12 years. And I now realize that I settled for my wife. She wasn't really what I wanted. It was convenient to marry her, and to be honest, convenient to stay with her. However, as I've grown over the years, I find myself truly unhappy in our marriage and have come to the conclusion that I married the wrong woman. I have really nothing in common with my wife: conversation interests, political, religious, hobbies, nothing. No matter how much I try, I cannot get interested in her conversation. We now have a 7 and 6 year old, to complicate this further. Recently, we have had to separate due to my work, and I was bored one evening, and spent some time with another woman, who I am now having an affair with. I never thought I would be cheating on my wife, but I don't regret this, and find myself trying to figure out how to handle being married to the wrong person. Does this make me a horrible man?" -Andrew
Andrew is in a bad spot. Not only is his marriage suffering, but he’s also now compounded the problems by having an affair. It’s not surprising he’s questioning his marriage, but it’s good that he is.
My Answer:
I hear, “I married the wrong person” regularly, from both men and women. When people are unhappy in their marriage they look for reasons to explain why, the easiest target is the other person.
Rather than see things they don't like about their partner as things that could change, most people feel they just need to change partners. With that line of thinking it's then very easy to develop the belief that you must have married the wrong person in the first place.
Part of the problem with Andrew’s belief that he "married the wrong woman" is that it feeds the misconception that there’s the "right" person or “perfect” partner out there somewhere and that, when you've found your true love, you’ll be happy forever.
As romantic a notion as this is, it’s simply not true.
Songs, books, and movies would all have us believe in the happily ever after. And there is a version of that for many people – but it takes WORK to keep it going. They leave that part out.
Relationships take work – all of them.
Relationships also change over time because people and life change over time.
In all relationships we're either growing together or growing apart. If we don't regularly feed a relationship, invest in it, and make it grow, we can become unhappy, no matter how perfect the other person seemed at the beginning.
No, Andrew, you're not a horrible man. But you are a man cheating on your wife and that needs to stop.
Nothing you’re facing with your wife will be made better by introducing a third person into the mix and betraying your vows.
You may be right when you say, "I settled for my wife."
However, even if that was true then, it doesn't have to mean your marriage cannot become happy and successful now. You’ve built a life together and in 12 years have likely found reasons to love each other.
Talk to a couple’s counselor, by yourself to start, and learn the ways you can change your marriage and find the happiness you’re seeking in it, rather than outside of it. Here are some of the benefits of couples counseling.
There are many reasons why it can feel like the person you married was the wrong one. Most of the time that feeling arises when you realize that you no longer feel the way you did at the time you exchanged vows. Or perhaps you feel like you never really loved your partner in the first place.
What people often fail to recognize is that feelings within a marriage do change over time and that’s completely normal.
That original new-love feeling doesn’t last forever, and it’s not supposed to.
In a healthy relationship those feelings deepen into an even stronger, but different, love that’s the necessary foundation for a family and life together. That doesn’t happen without work though.
If you’ve begun to feel like you married the wrong person, it could be because you’ve grown apart and no longer feel the closeness and intimacy a strong relationship needs.
This is generally a result of,
And each of these (and others) can be fixed.
Every successful relationship requires attention in the form of time, effort, and communication.
Unfortunately, it’s far easier to recognize the need for those things than it is to make them a reality.
If you’re worried you’re with the wrong person it’s quite possible you’ll feel differently once you and your partner start working together on making changes to your marriage.
Before your give up, spend some time thinking about the following:
So, next time you’re thinking, “This is too hard, I think I married the wrong person,” take a step back and look a little closer.
Is it the person or the amount of effort that’s really the problem?
Do you believe you married the wrong person? Share why you believe that in the comment section below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on June 30, 2012, updated on October 16, 2018, and then again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
Have you ever thought, My Wife Hates My Family? If so, you’re not alone. See what can cause Your Wife To Hate Your Family and what you can do about it.
Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
© 2026 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
Can't believe this is as common an issue as it is. I've been married 14yrs and my wife and I have 3 kids. For a few yeas now my wife has been telling me she still loves me but she's not in love with me anymore. I'm starting to feel the same and I think the only reason we're still together is the kids and the fact she's not working. I recently met an incredible young woman who shares most of my interests. I didn't do anything with her even as much as I wanted to but meeting her has added even more doubt to my view of being married.
As a women who's husband recently had an affair. I suggest you put this new chick in your rear view mirror. forget about her. Go get some couple counselling and see if the feelings you two have can be changed and love re ignited. You owe yourself your wife and your children that much. If you guys chose to separate after working on things, Knowing you gave your marriage everything you had with no distractions is a good feeling.
We've tried counseling in the past. We rarely have huge arguments about anything but when we do it usually comes down to her saying that she's done all the changing and I'm nothing but a "used car salesman who basically tricked her when we were dating". The only thing I've ever asked her to change is to stop smoking in the house and flicking her ashes in the kitchen sink- I didn't realize that was such a life altering change.
Go for it, dude. Don't be like a million other guys that with they had just took the shot.
What if you know you made a rush bad decision and married wrong one for you I really don't want counseling I want OUT
I feel same, I wished I'd got married to someone of same level as me. It sucks to sacrifice everything in your life, lost my friends, my relatives ( dads and mums side) ,after marriage it was all her family, her brother and sister. Got 14 yr daughter and 11 yr son, they love me more over mum. She yells at me all the time, kids run out of the house when she yells at them. I feel so sad. I can't suicide because I love my kids and am doing all for them
are you an asian by any chance ? sometimes a simple step will haunt us for ever ..
i too have similar wife .. she wants what your has but im not giving in and thats causing some major drama to the point my head is hurting .. i cant leave her cause of the kid too .. 🙁
I feel I have sacrificed a lot for my wife, we have been married five years and have a five year old daughter, she wanted another child but we discussed it and I told her I wasn't ready and I as I am always busy with work and can't go through having another child yet. But she went on and stopped taking contraceptives without me knowing and now she is pregnant. I think she became selfish and we do not share the same vision and goals. It's not that I have met someone else, I think some people like me were just not meant to be married. I told her before she concieved that she would lose me if she went ahead with her plan but she still did. Now I have told her it's over and I mean it but she doesn't take me seriously. The only reason I let her stay is I don't want my daughter growing without her mother but I think I'm done
I'm in a marriage I regret. I can't stop thinking about the gf I had prior to meeting my wife. She was absolutely beautiful, whereas my wife has never been what I'd call sexy. I thought that since my wife was so sweet and trustworthy that it would overshadow my carnal cravings, but three years later I've become less and less interested in seeing her naked. I'm only sharing this as an outlet since I can't discuss this with anyone because I'm sure they'll call me shallow. I wish it weren't true. We both work out often and live healthy lifestyles, but damn. I wish she at least had a decent butt or flat tummy. She had a boob job but that was necessary. I couldn't even look at her topless before. Yet, I agreed to get married because she was nice and didn't deserve to have her heart broken. Now I wish I had been honest with her and myself from the start.
Dude are you me? Nice wife that I tried to breakup with several times while we were dating. Not at all very attractive and not in the same ballpark as my other exes physically. She got a boob job for me and I thought I owed her marriage. We now have a 10 month old adorable boy and I keep wondering how a divorce will affect him.
I'm horny all the time and have to masturbate to get through life...otherwise all is well with my roommate marriage!
Wow. Your poor wife. Do her a favor. File for divorce, and tell her what you've just shared here. (Minus of course, the part about your ex-girlfriend. NEVER tell her that. Words like that emotionally eviscerate a woman) Your absence will allow her to find a man who loves her. Divorcing her would be the most noble thing you could do. No woman deserves to live with a man who views her the way you've described the way you view your wife. (I live with a man who views me as you view your wife. Every day is a LIVING HELL. But he is in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease, so I can't get out.)
Hi D, Iwwished to get feedback from the other side. I feel that I have married the wrong woman as after marriage she has caused tension between my family and made me lose the chance to see my grandmother. I wanted to divorce her but she would not as she would have to go back to her third world country and would not earn as much as she does now. I met a girl who is willing to stick by me even if I lose half ofy asset. I feel guilty toy wife but I don't think she can get along well with my family. Now I am caught between this 2 women. I just can't think of a win- win solution for both of them
Hi, I am also in a situation where I think I married the wrong person. I didn't find her attractive anymore but as she stuck by me, I felt I had to marry her or she would have to go back to her third world country. But after marriage she couldn't get along with my grandmother and caused me to leave my grandmother. That has caused a lot of tension. I met a girl who has more in common with me but I felt guilty toy wife and couldn't divorce her. But this new girl loves me and I don't know what to do. I feel that I have hurt both of them.
I got what I asked for and we'll I'm reaping the rewards to say the least. I am a God fearing man who asked for a woman who would make me laugh and we'll I got just that. Unfortunately though I wasn't thinking about the more serious aspects of life; like needing someone to help me when Im in need or having someone who takes responsibility for themselves. Don't get me wrong! My wife is is very kind hearted but she was an only child and let's just say the rod got spared and the child got spoiled. I believe in being faithful unto death or she cheats but it really bugs knowing that I put myself in this situation. I pray and hope for the best but I understand I can't change anyone. Sigh...lol oh the seed I've sowed.