What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
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We receive many questions from married couples who are struggling to find happiness together. Often many of them have begun to wonder if the reason they’re unhappy is because they married the wrong person.
The ideal marriage is one that creates a partnership for life. However, facing the rest of your life together when you believe you’ve married the wrong person can be disheartening and depressing.
Below is a question we received from Andrew, a man in just this situation. He’s concerned that he may have made a mistake when he married his wife and unsure of what to do about it. My answer follows.
Reader Question:
I married the wrong person. I've been married for 12 years. And I now realize that I settled for my wife. She wasn't really what I wanted. It was convenient to marry her, and to be honest, convenient to stay with her. However, as I've grown over the years, I find myself truly unhappy in our marriage and have come to the conclusion that I married the wrong woman. I have really nothing in common with my wife: conversation interests, political, religious, hobbies, nothing. No matter how much I try, I cannot get interested in her conversation. We now have a 7 and 6 year old, to complicate this further. Recently, we have had to separate due to my work, and I was bored one evening, and spent some time with another woman, who I am now having an affair with. I never thought I would be cheating on my wife, but I don't regret this, and find myself trying to figure out how to handle being married to the wrong person. Does this make me a horrible man?" -Andrew
Andrew is in a bad spot. Not only is his marriage suffering, but he’s also now compounded the problems by having an affair. It’s not surprising he’s questioning his marriage, but it’s good that he is.
My Answer:
I hear, “I married the wrong person” regularly, from both men and women. When people are unhappy in their marriage they look for reasons to explain why, the easiest target is the other person.
Rather than see things they don't like about their partner as things that could change, most people feel they just need to change partners. With that line of thinking it's then very easy to develop the belief that you must have married the wrong person in the first place.
Part of the problem with Andrew’s belief that he "married the wrong woman" is that it feeds the misconception that there’s the "right" person or “perfect” partner out there somewhere and that, when you've found your true love, you’ll be happy forever.
As romantic a notion as this is, it’s simply not true.
Songs, books, and movies would all have us believe in the happily ever after. And there is a version of that for many people – but it takes WORK to keep it going. They leave that part out.
Relationships take work – all of them.
Relationships also change over time because people and life change over time.
In all relationships we're either growing together or growing apart. If we don't regularly feed a relationship, invest in it, and make it grow, we can become unhappy, no matter how perfect the other person seemed at the beginning.
No, Andrew, you're not a horrible man. But you are a man cheating on your wife and that needs to stop.
Nothing you’re facing with your wife will be made better by introducing a third person into the mix and betraying your vows.
You may be right when you say, "I settled for my wife."
However, even if that was true then, it doesn't have to mean your marriage cannot become happy and successful now. You’ve built a life together and in 12 years have likely found reasons to love each other.
Talk to a couple’s counselor, by yourself to start, and learn the ways you can change your marriage and find the happiness you’re seeking in it, rather than outside of it. Here are some of the benefits of couples counseling.
There are many reasons why it can feel like the person you married was the wrong one. Most of the time that feeling arises when you realize that you no longer feel the way you did at the time you exchanged vows. Or perhaps you feel like you never really loved your partner in the first place.
What people often fail to recognize is that feelings within a marriage do change over time and that’s completely normal.
That original new-love feeling doesn’t last forever, and it’s not supposed to.
In a healthy relationship those feelings deepen into an even stronger, but different, love that’s the necessary foundation for a family and life together. That doesn’t happen without work though.
If you’ve begun to feel like you married the wrong person, it could be because you’ve grown apart and no longer feel the closeness and intimacy a strong relationship needs.
This is generally a result of,
And each of these (and others) can be fixed.
Every successful relationship requires attention in the form of time, effort, and communication.
Unfortunately, it’s far easier to recognize the need for those things than it is to make them a reality.
If you’re worried you’re with the wrong person it’s quite possible you’ll feel differently once you and your partner start working together on making changes to your marriage.
Before your give up, spend some time thinking about the following:
So, next time you’re thinking, “This is too hard, I think I married the wrong person,” take a step back and look a little closer.
Is it the person or the amount of effort that’s really the problem?
Do you believe you married the wrong person? Share why you believe that in the comment section below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on June 30, 2012, updated on October 16, 2018, and then again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
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Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
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I completely married the wrong woman. It started with the lies of her been a virgin (which was never a criteria for me) only to later find out she'd slept with over 16 Men at 23 years of age. This get we could work thing out and we proceeded with the marriage. We have a daughter, a sweet little angel who's almost 2 years old and it's making things so complicated I can't take the decision of divorce fo her sake. Only recently I found out my 'wife' had been chatting up guy's on Facebook and when I approached her with this, she vehemently denied. I later counselled her which made her then confess ' though ' not out rightly admitting to the 'guys' issue. Sh is a blatant liar and I've lost connection with the marriage and it's affecting me psychologically, affecting everything I do. I need to get her out of my life but I fear for t effect on my innocent daughter. I need help. Thanks
Solomon, While only you know if leaving is right for you, I would advise on seeking out professional counseling first, from someone who can give you unbiased guidance, before making any life-altering decisions. Read the Cheating Spouse and Divorce Advice sections of the blog for more information. - Dr. Kurt
You should divorce and share custody. A person like that is unlikely to change.
I'm in a situation similar to this. Lies, receipt the lot. Now I hear you say seek counselling, I know that is not for everyone, certainly not for me. Sometimes it is right to leave but it appears everyone or most of commentators on here do not want to acknowledge that. I have 3 kids and have taken a different path, I have put my happiness on the alter for their sake. I want them to be happy and to know I will never ever desert them. I have given up arguing with her and keep interaction a low as possible. I stay because I want to guide my kids. I am open with them about things and they appear to learn. Leaving, is reserved for when they have fled the nest, my youngest is 4.5. The biggest issue I think we all on here have in common is that we have not tried to understand ourselves, I don't think we know our own minds and how to compensate for our weaknesses. What we should appreciate is that the other person (rightly or wrongly) are entitled to perceive and experience this world as they see fit. You and I also have that right, what we don't have is the right to extinguish or snatch that right from our partners. Any changes that come and can be sustained must be by mutual consent and because there is a shared interest in both parties.
Why do I keep staying here? Why do I allow her to put me down? Why can't I just leave? Why have I felt in my heart that my higher power directed me out of this woman's life? I don't want to be in this anymore, I deserve better, I raise both my children and will always be there for them, one of them isn't even biologically mine, I've worked my fingers to the bone year after year to provide, I kept my childish ways aside to be all the husband and father i could be, I'm not a perfect person, but how could she say some of the things she says to me? How could she be so distant? Why when I'm really ready to break this nightmare off YOU won't just let it go??!!??!!!?!!?!! We don't belong together, 10 years now and it's obvious that I'm not the man for you, you are not the woman for me, I waited 5 years before marriage because I knew I could never trust you, I knew we didn't click all the way, why do I feel so sorry for you? Sometimes I stay because I know about your childhood, your molestation, your abusive mother, and everything you went through!! I don't want to care, I want my life back!!! You make me feel so insecure, but not the woman in public, you make me feel so ugly about myself, but the woman in public, you make me feel worthless and under other men, but not the woman in public!!! I want to enjoy all these woman in public before I get old and wrinkled!! If I stay then I'll never know what love truly is, I'll never get to enjoy making a woman smile everyday, you make me so unhappy 🙁 I'm sorry for your life, I can't save you!! 🙁 I can't fxking save you!!! 🙁 I hope one day I can respect myself enough, love myself enough, and appreciate myself enough to just finally walk the fxk away, I pray that my father in heaven will help me!!! And help you as well!!! Sometimes, i don't even want to be alive knowing that even if I leave I will have to have something to do with you until our children are older!! I don't care what you do, who you see, or where you go!!! Don't act like I'm a peasant, so putting me down all the time!!! Stop acting like your better then everybody!!! Stop fxking hitting me!! I refuse to put my fxking hands on you!!! Stop hurting me!!! Leave me alone!!!!!
Hey, family man....
One day you should read what you wrote and ask yourself if any respectable man would ever write such madness. Yours is a simple solution and I hope you start enjoying your life soon.
Hey Ethan,
Clearly all is good in your relationship. I sense frustration in family man's post, something I do not think you can appreciate.
A man in his situation is in my view attempting to get to that place where he is respectable again. It appears to me that the respect of his loved one is what he has lost.
So, I do hope one day you read back to your unfeeling message and see whether a descent human being would type what you have
Help the man, give him helpful advice that's what he needs.
All of these posts truly do break my heart and are making me question marriage and relationships in General. My partner and I love each other very much, we have gotten through the hardest times and adversities and triumphed through it all. Our issues weren't compatibility or a lack of Love in any capacity at any time, it was always our Maturity levels and committing to growing and changing as individuals and as a couple. We have loved each other for almost six years, always maintaining a strong friendship when we weren't dating one and other. He always wanted to be with me, but I was insecure and hurt many times over. I questioned his Love and at times tested it. But he proved that his Love was immovable and authentic. In return I have given him the same Love and respect and plan to do so for the rest of my life. We have grown so much and we're finally on the same page, we're staying positive and we have each other's back through thick and thin. We have a beautiful 9 month old son and a 6 year old (mine from my first and only other relationship) and he is a great Father and step father. My question is this; we are not married as of yet (financial and practical reasons) but we both want to and plan on getting married (I am 28 he is 27) in the very near future. He isn't being pressured to marry me or commit to me he is choosing to, he isn't obligated either. Will we end up as unhappy and destined for divorce like so many other posters on this site? Will he feel he settled? Will he regret us? We have worked very hard at making our relationships great, having good and open communication, he's my best friend and we truly make each other better people. I feel blessed but reading all of these post makes me feel it may be too good to be true? When we weren't together he dated other people, but I was always in his heart (his words, I don't want to come across as narcissistic because he was always in mine). We took time apart and came back together as better people. The love was always there. He is a loving introvert and I a passionate extrovert; we just work together. He's helped me have compassion and understanding and I've helped him with emotional openness and his ability to verbally express himself. We just work. But I'm terrified that these stories encapsulate the eventuality of most relationships. Please tell me that this is not the rule? Please explain whether or not Men always get to a place of acute dissatisfaction and regret... do they always? We worked so hard to get where we are and when we get married we will continue to work to love, be happy and healthy. But is there any point?
Lisa, While people drifting apart and falling out of love is pretty common, it doesn't have to be your experience. If you or your partner have questions about being with each other then put in the effort to work through them now. People who don't do that are the ones who end up in this place. -Dr. Kurt
Family Man. In some ways I feel your pain except the children. I married my best friend at a time in life when my self esteem was so so low and I wasn't thinking straight (had just lost a sibling to cancer in my mid 20's), had just moved to a new city and had no friends and was far from family.
Unfortunately my wife of seven years (we've been together 12) is 10 years older than me and has been a struggling functional alcoholic and chronic smoker for most of it. It has destroyed any possibility of hus having children and i am now entering my late 30's wondering what could of been if i had steered clear of that bowling alley where i first meet her.
I am only moderately attracted to her as age (she's in her late 40's now) and lots of smoking has taken it's toll on her looks.
What makes it more difficult is that we agree on a lot of things in principal do love each other, but the passion for me is just not there. It's more room mates than anything else.
I fear the unknown, the consequences of ending it, the disappointment and scorn of relatives should i choose to divorce and look to greener pasture. Perhaps i will realize what i lost and truly loose everything. Perhaps being in this predicament for so long has distorted my perspective and lowered my self esteem so low that I am paralyzed. I have to make a decision once and for all. This has been on my mind for years and nothing seems to change it. Is this my heart telling me i want out have to get out? Help!
Cman, I am in a similar situation. My wife of 4 years(we know each other for almost 10years) and I don't find her attractive anymore. Even before we married I already have this feeling but I feel sorry for her as if Iddid not marry her she would have to go back to her country and earn less. I met another girl who shares more of my interest but I feel guilty to my wife. It's not that she is wrong but she just does not share my values and is with me more for practical reasons. I am at a loss to stay or divorce. I know my wife will not want take care of my mother with me but my girlfriend will. But I just don't know how to make up to my wife as she is no longer young and will have problem finding a new partner. Duty or love, I just can't choose.
Wow, just reading my post I can feel my heart beating inside my chest fast and hard. The history between my wife and I, the love, the hurt, the laughter and the tears. Years go by and at times they feel like days, days go by and at times they feel like years. I love my wife with my whole heart, I would die for my wife. Obviously there's several things I didn't explain, I was always home everyday and we lived a familiar lifestyle, 4 years ago I became a truck driver and everything changed, you see, if this world didn't require "money" to live and survive, we would be the perfect couple, as would most couples probably, long story short >>> I've quite my job and I'm now coming home everyday to my family, like I was 2 years ago. Year 1. OTR, Year 2. Home daily, Year 3 and 4. Home weekends. Year 1 we became disconnected because I was only home for four days a month, year 2 we had our life back but it took time to get to where we were, and over the last two years I worked my butt off to buy a truck and make six figures, but money dosent mean a dxxn thing !! She cried when I said I was going back on the road, but I wanted to make better money for us, and give us anything we could dream of, and I did too. "People" could say whatever they wanted about me but had no fxking choice but to respect the fact that I made big money, it felt good to not answer to anybody, I was my own boss, unfortunately, I was away from home every week and only home on the weekends, it bothered me but it was killing my wife, SHE LOST RESPECT FOR ME AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHY, I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO GET IT BACK A MONTH AGO, I DID WHAT SHE DESIRED, I GAVE HER A FAMILY AGAIN, I CHOSE TO BE HOME EVERY DAY FOR HER AND THE KIDS, I TOOK A BIG PAY CUT TO BE HOME AGAIN, I WROTE THAT POST AND IT HELPED ME VENT, IT HELPED ME TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY, "IT MADE ME RESPECTABLE", I ATTEMPTED TO SEPARATE WITH HER FOR GOOD, BUT AFTER TALKING THINGS THROUGH IT LOOKS LIKE I GOT MY WOMAN BACK 🙂 YOU CAN SAY OR THINK WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT I PROMISE YOU ONE THING, YOU DON'T KNOW ME, THE EASIEST THING TO DO IS WALK AWAY (NOT RESPECTABLE) RATHER (COWARDLY).
GORGE, OUTSIDE OF THIS INTERNET SCREEN, I'M TOUGH, VERY PRIVATE, WELL SPOKEN, AND KIND OF NON CHALANT ABOUT EMOTIONAL THINGS, BUT READING YOUR POST I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU !!! EVERYTHING YOU SAID WAS EXACTLY RIGHT AND IT BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES TO SEE THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD ME AND CARED.
ETHAN, MADNESS? THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM WITH ME AT ALL, YOUR PERSPECTIVE ABOUT THINGS AREN'T GOING TO BE EXACTLY THE SAME AS EVERYBODY ELSE. RESPECTABLE? I REALLY DON'T GIVE A FXK ABOUT BEING RESPECTABLE IN ANY STRANGERS EYES, MY ISSUE WAS NOT AS SIMPLE AS YOU MAY HAVE THOUGHT IT TO BE, TO EACH THEIR OWN MY FRIEND, AND I'M ENJOYING LIFE ONCE AGAIN BUD. "GOD IS GREAT, BEER IS GOOD, AND PEOPLE ARE CRAZY"
If there's one thing I've learned throughout all the big fights, small fights, and healthy arguments, I've learned that there is no such thing as a perfect couple, marriage ain't always a fairy tale, it's about two people coming together and overcoming, adjusting, making things work out by meeting in the middle, woman are emotional beings, even if it took 100 years before I married my wife, there's obviously a reason I did so, sometimes you gotta balance the good and bad, at the end of the day I know in my heart that I'm a good man, if my wife ain't the easy push over, the submissive do as your told type of gal, then that's perfectly fine, after everything is done and said, when I finally walk away, I'll feel those little precious, beautiful, soft hands holding on to my ankles for dear life as I'm trying to leave for good!!! 🙂 And that's good enough to make me stay.
We married on 21 nov 2016. After marriage, she broke my relation with my lovely sister. In her view, she is my incest partner. Although, before marriage, i told her everything abt my cousin sister. She only read the messages of me and my sister and concluded that she is my love, not her. For ur information, we are in arrange marriage.
Ok, i broke up my relation with my sister for her. She never listens to me. She always say that leave me, i will manage. I love her so much.
Before marriage, i told her i drink but i m not a regular drinker(4 times a month). She blackmailed me that i will tell your mom that you drink.. also she told her mom already.
She doesnt respect me.
Finally, she is not interested in sex. I m not enjoying it. She always gives excuses that she is tired by her job and she sleeps. She says go to the prostitute and have your sex or sometimes she says go to your sister, she will give you sex.
Help me out please