Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Contents
Experiencing a midlife crisis can upend anyone’s life, as well as the the lives of those they love.
When it’s a husband’s midlife crisis, however, many wives go into crisis management mode and feel they must do something to fix it.
Typically, the need to fix problems is more of a male instinct, but it can be hard for any of us to see our partner lost, hurting, and self-destructive. So, when you believe your husband is having a midlife crisis, most wives find it very hard to do nothing.
One of the biggest mistakes a wife can make with a husband in midlife crisis though is pushing him to “fix” or change his behavior. Often a wife’s response, although well intended, will just drive her husband even deeper into his midlife crisis.
Recently, a wife whose husband is having a midlife crisis asked me to give her some guidance on what to do. Here’s how she described their situation:
My husband of 21 years together 25, abruptly asked me if I was happy. Told me he wasn't and then he said ‘I don't love you anymore.' He's 48 and military and works 6.5 hours from home. I did the wrong thing and pleaded for a chance to work on it with him. We have 2 sons about to move to college and have talked about all the fun trips and things we will get when back to together soon, but now this suddenly came out? I see all the actions and behavior of a husband in midlife crisis, but what do I do?" -Nancy
So, what should Nancy do?
Although difficult, she’ll need first to accept that she can’t change him. Second, she needs to understand that what can do is influence him.
When you see the man you love destroying his life and yours in the process, it’s really hard not to intervene. But to have the best outcome you've got to be strategic in how you respond.
Finding the most effective way to face your husband’s midlife crisis requires a calm mind.
Anyone whose spouse has had a midlife crisis knows that keeping calm and looking at things logically during this time is extremely difficult. The emotions attached to what you’re dealing with can just be overwhelming.
What does it look like to influence a husband’s midlife crisis?
Here are 5 dos and don'ts that can help accomplish this:
Although this will be hard for wives to hear, one of the contributors to a husband’s midlife crisis can be his relationship with his wife. Please note that I wrote 'contributor,' not cause.
It's important that wives hear this difference and not be personally hurt by the idea they could be part of the problem. Wives should remind themselves that they can’t fix their husband's midlife crisis – only he can do that. And the best way to help him to do this is not to push too hard and make him feel worse. So, give him space.
It's okay to try and understand what's happening with your husband, but be careful what you call it. For a lot of men, any suggestion of a mental health problem, such as a midlife crisis or being depressed, will be met with pushback. If you label his problem you could lose his willingness to listen to your suggestions of ways to help.
The reason for this is similar to the reason not to label the problem. It's very possible that your husband may already feel that you either "nag" him or only see the things he does wrong. Although your intent is to help him, by pointing out the symptoms of a husband’s midlife crisis. it's possible he’ll only hear you “criticizing” him.
Rather than pointing out midlife crisis symptoms to your husband, suggest ways the changes you see are hurting him. You can do this by making observations such as, "I notice that you don't seem to enjoy playing golf anymore," or "You seem more stressed and need to drink a lot more to relax."
Another reason not to focus on the symptoms of a husband in midlife crisis is because it’s far more important to discover and address the underlying cause. When you have an idea of the possible reasons he’s facing a midlife crisis you can be much more effective in helping him.
I work with men and women dealing with midlife crisis on a weekly basis. Some common causes I see for men include:
We’re all inclined to reject the help of those closest to us. Some of this is just human nature, and some traces back to power struggles with our parents.
Sadly, and to our detriment, this tendency can still exist in adulthood as we can reject loved ones who try to help us too. This is why it's so important just to ask, suggest, and reflect on what you see happening during a midlife crisis, rather than directly telling your husband what to do.
A husband midlife crisis can be very complicated. Often there are multiple causes that have led him to this point. Understanding what those possibly are can help give you an idea about how you can support him in getting to the other side.
It’s important to know there are no shortcuts, which means you’ll need a large amount of patience.
Unfortunately, handling things poorly can extend a midlife crisis even longer than necessary. Leading to tragic consequences like, money problems, addictions, and even divorce as the impact of a midlife crisis takes its toll.
How a wife responds can make a huge difference in the responsiveness of her husband. Although, I must say that a husband’s response is solely his responsibility. Even though a wife can be a big influence, ultimately his behavior is up to him.
There are significant psychological issues occurring during a midlife crisis, so getting the help of a professional counselor is very important for both of you. I work with wives every week guiding them on the best way they can influence their midlife crisis husband.
In the meantime, wives can best help their husband by not being 'Mrs. Fix-it' and following the recommendations above.
If your husband’s having a midlife crisis it’s understandable that you’d want to help. Not only is it painful to see someone you love struggling, it’s also likely that his midlife crisis is destroying your life together.
But this is where big mistakes can be made, so remember,
If your husband’s midlife crisis has you worried about making mistakes that will make things worse, working with an experienced counselor is a smart move.
Professional guidance can help a man resolve his midlife crisis, as well as keep a wife from making well-intentioned but detrimental mistakes.
Join the conversation and please share your thoughts and experience with a husband in midlife crisis in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 31, 2012, updated on November 17, 2017, and March 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Oh my goodness I cannot believe this. I'm going through the same thing is like reading my story
Hi ive been with the same man for 19 years. We have always had a great relationship barley argue we have 4 kids 2 he raised with me and 2 that r ours recently he has showered me with gift more the usually now dont get me wrong he has always been generous to me but more so recently he had a ring he paid 5 grand made for me to show his commitment. R sex life has always been great r whole relationship has been great up until now i no all couples have there ups and downs. But. The last couple months sex has been more frequent then usual and i was really enjoying it who would not with the man you love. Then all of the sudden he no longer wants sex now i know what your thinking hes having an affair i dont beleave thay because hes home all the time but his behavior is questionable he has blocked access to his phone suddenly he is working out like mad and does not want to spend time with me and the kids he is not the same person he was a month ago he wont cuddle hold hands nothing this is killing me. All i want is some hint of a relationship how do we get passed this. Thos man means the world to me and this is killing me
Sound like my story, that's how it start with my situation, now we are separated for five months now, he is sure that our marriage is done and that he is longer in love with me, it's so hard to let go, I love him so very much and I don't know what to do now, I love him! Do I wait or is he really gone like he said he is he, he said would like to be friends for the sake of our girls and that we should do what's best for them from now on! I am trying and it is so hard. I am still hoping that he will come to his senses and come back to us, like everything is still the same, he is still available to help us out with our finance at this end, he pays for the mortgage and all that stuff and we are good financially! He told me that he is seeing people like saying a few people and our relationship was done before we were separated but every time I ask him bluntly, he said no is still trying to figure it out. And that he would tell when he does, I am seeing someone and having intimate with them too. But its feels like he will be coming back at some point!
Hi Lisa and Amanda,
I am in a similar situation as you or as a lot of the stories I am reading. I thought I had the perfect marriage, husband did not complain about not being happy in marriage. My husband was very loving and caring. We spend all the time together outside work and did activities together. My family would say how lucky I was to have such a devoted husband. After 4 years of marriage, one day he just said he wanted a divorce. I was socked. It has taken me four months to finally get on my feet and start thinking of myself. How to move on with my life without him. Why he changed I don't know. He says he doesn't know. I did find out right away he was having an emotional affair with co-worker. He started talking to her about his life crises and not me. Please let me know how you are dealing with the life change. I am 50 years old, this was my second marriage. I have been so heart broker but making steps to move on with my life. It has been extremely hard.
I recently discovered my husband had an affair with his co-worker for the last two years.
He has basically created a double life full of lies to cover up for the activities he has been doing with his affair partner.
He was able to get away with so much because I wanted to treat him with the same trust that he gave me. Obviously that was a mistake.
Since I have confronted him about the affair he has continued to lie.
First when I found out he was extremely sorry and wanted to make things right.
Then he said he was not sure of his feelings for me and last he said that yes he does love me but is not sure he wants to remain married.
He says he is confused about what he wants.
He says he feels trapped and is missing out.
He says he has “feelings” for her.
He says he needs time to figure things out.
He says he felt rejected by me. He wanted to include me in his plans but often I was either busy with work or uninterested. I take responsibility for that and I have apologized but have told him it did not warrant his actions. I could have been a better partner in the sense of taking an interest in his interests and being supportive.
To me this all sounds like a mid-life crisis.
They work together and I found through phone records showing they still call each other.
I confronted him about this and it has since stopped. He told me he has now deleted her contact from his phone which is good but still I’m always nervous because they still have plenty of opportunity to see each other and talk at work. I have asked him to get a new job and he doesn’t want to. He is doing well at work and I guess he doesn’t want to get a new job for a marriage that may not work.
Sometimes he’s very loving and affectionate, other times he is sad.
I’m trying to give him space and time.
I love him and I want our marriage to work.
The full details of everything that has happened are very painful to deal with.
I have asked him to seek help. To talk to a friend or professional but he is hesitant.
I think he may feel a sense of shame in admitting everything to someone.
I snoop around a lot and I want to stop.
I have tried encouraging to workout more.
I know exercise can help improve his mood.
I’m trying participate in the activities he enjoys even if it’s not my thing, I am making the effort but it feels like I am the one doing all the work.
He hasn’t come to terms with saying he’s willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. Right now he is still confused.
How can I help him over come his midlife crisis?
Maria, A midlife crisis is a conglomeration of many issues. There is no one-size-fits-all answer. In addition to the things you have mentioned, there are likely a number of underlying issues that need to be sorted through for both of you. This forum is not conducive to exploring these things thoroughly and properly assisting you. Professional assistance, as you mentioned, would be beneficial. You are welcome to contact me directly if you like. -Dr. Kurt
This is all true i cannot believe its happening 26yrs married, suddenly everything changed for a 33 yrs old.