Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Contents
Experiencing a midlife crisis can upend anyone’s life, as well as the the lives of those they love.
When it’s a husband’s midlife crisis, however, many wives go into crisis management mode and feel they must do something to fix it.
Typically, the need to fix problems is more of a male instinct, but it can be hard for any of us to see our partner lost, hurting, and self-destructive. So, when you believe your husband is having a midlife crisis, most wives find it very hard to do nothing.
One of the biggest mistakes a wife can make with a husband in midlife crisis though is pushing him to “fix” or change his behavior. Often a wife’s response, although well intended, will just drive her husband even deeper into his midlife crisis.
Recently, a wife whose husband is having a midlife crisis asked me to give her some guidance on what to do. Here’s how she described their situation:
My husband of 21 years together 25, abruptly asked me if I was happy. Told me he wasn't and then he said ‘I don't love you anymore.' He's 48 and military and works 6.5 hours from home. I did the wrong thing and pleaded for a chance to work on it with him. We have 2 sons about to move to college and have talked about all the fun trips and things we will get when back to together soon, but now this suddenly came out? I see all the actions and behavior of a husband in midlife crisis, but what do I do?" -Nancy
So, what should Nancy do?
Although difficult, she’ll need first to accept that she can’t change him. Second, she needs to understand that what can do is influence him.
When you see the man you love destroying his life and yours in the process, it’s really hard not to intervene. But to have the best outcome you've got to be strategic in how you respond.
Finding the most effective way to face your husband’s midlife crisis requires a calm mind.
Anyone whose spouse has had a midlife crisis knows that keeping calm and looking at things logically during this time is extremely difficult. The emotions attached to what you’re dealing with can just be overwhelming.
What does it look like to influence a husband’s midlife crisis?
Here are 5 dos and don'ts that can help accomplish this:
Although this will be hard for wives to hear, one of the contributors to a husband’s midlife crisis can be his relationship with his wife. Please note that I wrote 'contributor,' not cause.
It's important that wives hear this difference and not be personally hurt by the idea they could be part of the problem. Wives should remind themselves that they can’t fix their husband's midlife crisis – only he can do that. And the best way to help him to do this is not to push too hard and make him feel worse. So, give him space.
It's okay to try and understand what's happening with your husband, but be careful what you call it. For a lot of men, any suggestion of a mental health problem, such as a midlife crisis or being depressed, will be met with pushback. If you label his problem you could lose his willingness to listen to your suggestions of ways to help.
The reason for this is similar to the reason not to label the problem. It's very possible that your husband may already feel that you either "nag" him or only see the things he does wrong. Although your intent is to help him, by pointing out the symptoms of a husband’s midlife crisis. it's possible he’ll only hear you “criticizing” him.
Rather than pointing out midlife crisis symptoms to your husband, suggest ways the changes you see are hurting him. You can do this by making observations such as, "I notice that you don't seem to enjoy playing golf anymore," or "You seem more stressed and need to drink a lot more to relax."
Another reason not to focus on the symptoms of a husband in midlife crisis is because it’s far more important to discover and address the underlying cause. When you have an idea of the possible reasons he’s facing a midlife crisis you can be much more effective in helping him.
I work with men and women dealing with midlife crisis on a weekly basis. Some common causes I see for men include:
We’re all inclined to reject the help of those closest to us. Some of this is just human nature, and some traces back to power struggles with our parents.
Sadly, and to our detriment, this tendency can still exist in adulthood as we can reject loved ones who try to help us too. This is why it's so important just to ask, suggest, and reflect on what you see happening during a midlife crisis, rather than directly telling your husband what to do.
A husband midlife crisis can be very complicated. Often there are multiple causes that have led him to this point. Understanding what those possibly are can help give you an idea about how you can support him in getting to the other side.
It’s important to know there are no shortcuts, which means you’ll need a large amount of patience.
Unfortunately, handling things poorly can extend a midlife crisis even longer than necessary. Leading to tragic consequences like, money problems, addictions, and even divorce as the impact of a midlife crisis takes its toll.
How a wife responds can make a huge difference in the responsiveness of her husband. Although, I must say that a husband’s response is solely his responsibility. Even though a wife can be a big influence, ultimately his behavior is up to him.
There are significant psychological issues occurring during a midlife crisis, so getting the help of a professional counselor is very important for both of you. I work with wives every week guiding them on the best way they can influence their midlife crisis husband.
In the meantime, wives can best help their husband by not being 'Mrs. Fix-it' and following the recommendations above.
If your husband’s having a midlife crisis it’s understandable that you’d want to help. Not only is it painful to see someone you love struggling, it’s also likely that his midlife crisis is destroying your life together.
But this is where big mistakes can be made, so remember,
If your husband’s midlife crisis has you worried about making mistakes that will make things worse, working with an experienced counselor is a smart move.
Professional guidance can help a man resolve his midlife crisis, as well as keep a wife from making well-intentioned but detrimental mistakes.
Join the conversation and please share your thoughts and experience with a husband in midlife crisis in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 31, 2012, updated on November 17, 2017, and March 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Hello Shelly, and the Crew. Indeed this is a place where we can share our pains and concerns and I'm no expection. I'm with a younger man, and we've been together for over 10 years now. We have two beautiful daughters and I for myself am very content with our lives (maybe my life).
We have recently bought a new place, we don't have to worry about money, everyone is healthy and we have great friends. But a few days ago he lays it all out to be he's feeling sad and confused about his life and doesn't know what's wrong. He's questioning everything including our relationship. He says he loves me deeply but would like to feel that excitment we had at first. That really hurt of course, but it got worse when he admitted meeting a girl for a drink. He enjoyed the attention and the feeling of someone being interedted in him. So I guess in a way I'm lucky I got answers from him, when I see that many men decide to split without even trying to open up. But I want to cry all the time, I'm feeling so helpless. He says he doesn't deserve me because I said that if he had to leave I wouldn't stop him, I don't want to be a prison. Now this being said you all have to know one thing: it's not your fault. You have been good people, GODDESSES, and our men are going through some things they can only go it alone.
Take care of yourselves Ladies, xoxoxox
Hi. I'm a mother of 4, now grown-ups, been married for 25 years, and 50 years old. my husband is also 50 years old and I never thought I would be dealing with insecurities in our relationship. Lately, my husband is flirting on younger women (sales clerks, waitresses, office secretaries- calling them "Miss beautiful", asking them out, or even giving them chocolates as a token. What hurts me, is that this happens when we're going out to lunch, going shopping on malls, or having business transactions and I am always around, seeing and hearing everything that he's doing. I just simply ignore it with a smile, acting as if it doesn't bother me at all. But God knows... I just wanted to cry right in front of him. In our 25 years of marriage, he's been faithful, a good provider, a hard working man. Most of the time, he has the last word in our arguments, and always been submissive to him. I go out with my own friends regularly (it was never an issue to us) we don't even fight about money matters. I always pay attention on my looks. looking great and confident is important to me. But with what he's doing right now, I feel I'm no longer appealing and attractive to him (though I know, I'm more beautiful than all those girls he's been flirting with.) only... a bit heavier. I just need to vent this out, but a word from you would simply comfort me. thanks a lot .
Juvy, I am sorry to hear about your husbands behavior. The midlife ages bring about a number of complicated feelings and resulting behaviors. An honest conversation about how his actions make you feel may help. Best wishes -Dr. Kurt
You Ladies have just become My support group. It's unbelievable how many parts of some of Your stories are identical to mines. Right down to the words out of his mouth. I'm so hurt right now. 11 years and bam. I'll get into My story later but for now I'm so glad I stumbled across this page. This is hell on earth for the Women who love these men.
Hi Shai,
I haven't seen your story? Please share with us.
Abi what ultimately happened with You two? I'm so sorry Your story mirrors mines in many ways as well as a lot of others
I just wanted to say that I found this post about 7 months ago when out of the blue my husband of almost 16 years told me he wanted a divorce. I never commented but subscribed to the comments. He promised that there wasn't someone else and I believed him. Our marriage hasn't always been easy so I just thought he wanted out. I told him that I was not giving up and that until it was over officially it wasn't over for me. This didn't seem to phase him at the time but I dug in and started reading books and doing research into midlife crisis online. I must've made him think because he completely did a 180 and recommitted to our marriage. Things were so good. Still building trust but they were good. Then about a month ago I found out he had an affair all those months ago. He didn't want to tell me. It just reopened the wound all over again. I thought I was getting over the chaos and hurt of it all. I don't really know why I wrote except to say that this groups stories have helped me feel as though I'm not alone. I also wanted to say if any of you have spouses that are willing I highly recommend "One More Try: What to do when your marriage is falling apart" by Gary Chapman. My husband says that he read that book and felt so foolish because it spelled out everything that he was doing in clear detail. Even the affair that I didn't know about at the time. I also felt like Gottman's teachings on the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse was very telling. I just wanted to share a little in case it would help anyone else.