Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Contents
Experiencing a midlife crisis can upend anyone’s life, as well as the the lives of those they love.
When it’s a husband’s midlife crisis, however, many wives go into crisis management mode and feel they must do something to fix it.
Typically, the need to fix problems is more of a male instinct, but it can be hard for any of us to see our partner lost, hurting, and self-destructive. So, when you believe your husband is having a midlife crisis, most wives find it very hard to do nothing.
One of the biggest mistakes a wife can make with a husband in midlife crisis though is pushing him to “fix” or change his behavior. Often a wife’s response, although well intended, will just drive her husband even deeper into his midlife crisis.
Recently, a wife whose husband is having a midlife crisis asked me to give her some guidance on what to do. Here’s how she described their situation:
My husband of 21 years together 25, abruptly asked me if I was happy. Told me he wasn't and then he said ‘I don't love you anymore.' He's 48 and military and works 6.5 hours from home. I did the wrong thing and pleaded for a chance to work on it with him. We have 2 sons about to move to college and have talked about all the fun trips and things we will get when back to together soon, but now this suddenly came out? I see all the actions and behavior of a husband in midlife crisis, but what do I do?" -Nancy
So, what should Nancy do?
Although difficult, she’ll need first to accept that she can’t change him. Second, she needs to understand that what can do is influence him.
When you see the man you love destroying his life and yours in the process, it’s really hard not to intervene. But to have the best outcome you've got to be strategic in how you respond.
Finding the most effective way to face your husband’s midlife crisis requires a calm mind.
Anyone whose spouse has had a midlife crisis knows that keeping calm and looking at things logically during this time is extremely difficult. The emotions attached to what you’re dealing with can just be overwhelming.
What does it look like to influence a husband’s midlife crisis?
Here are 5 dos and don'ts that can help accomplish this:
Although this will be hard for wives to hear, one of the contributors to a husband’s midlife crisis can be his relationship with his wife. Please note that I wrote 'contributor,' not cause.
It's important that wives hear this difference and not be personally hurt by the idea they could be part of the problem. Wives should remind themselves that they can’t fix their husband's midlife crisis – only he can do that. And the best way to help him to do this is not to push too hard and make him feel worse. So, give him space.
It's okay to try and understand what's happening with your husband, but be careful what you call it. For a lot of men, any suggestion of a mental health problem, such as a midlife crisis or being depressed, will be met with pushback. If you label his problem you could lose his willingness to listen to your suggestions of ways to help.
The reason for this is similar to the reason not to label the problem. It's very possible that your husband may already feel that you either "nag" him or only see the things he does wrong. Although your intent is to help him, by pointing out the symptoms of a husband’s midlife crisis. it's possible he’ll only hear you “criticizing” him.
Rather than pointing out midlife crisis symptoms to your husband, suggest ways the changes you see are hurting him. You can do this by making observations such as, "I notice that you don't seem to enjoy playing golf anymore," or "You seem more stressed and need to drink a lot more to relax."
Another reason not to focus on the symptoms of a husband in midlife crisis is because it’s far more important to discover and address the underlying cause. When you have an idea of the possible reasons he’s facing a midlife crisis you can be much more effective in helping him.
I work with men and women dealing with midlife crisis on a weekly basis. Some common causes I see for men include:
We’re all inclined to reject the help of those closest to us. Some of this is just human nature, and some traces back to power struggles with our parents.
Sadly, and to our detriment, this tendency can still exist in adulthood as we can reject loved ones who try to help us too. This is why it's so important just to ask, suggest, and reflect on what you see happening during a midlife crisis, rather than directly telling your husband what to do.
A husband midlife crisis can be very complicated. Often there are multiple causes that have led him to this point. Understanding what those possibly are can help give you an idea about how you can support him in getting to the other side.
It’s important to know there are no shortcuts, which means you’ll need a large amount of patience.
Unfortunately, handling things poorly can extend a midlife crisis even longer than necessary. Leading to tragic consequences like, money problems, addictions, and even divorce as the impact of a midlife crisis takes its toll.
How a wife responds can make a huge difference in the responsiveness of her husband. Although, I must say that a husband’s response is solely his responsibility. Even though a wife can be a big influence, ultimately his behavior is up to him.
There are significant psychological issues occurring during a midlife crisis, so getting the help of a professional counselor is very important for both of you. I work with wives every week guiding them on the best way they can influence their midlife crisis husband.
In the meantime, wives can best help their husband by not being 'Mrs. Fix-it' and following the recommendations above.
If your husband’s having a midlife crisis it’s understandable that you’d want to help. Not only is it painful to see someone you love struggling, it’s also likely that his midlife crisis is destroying your life together.
But this is where big mistakes can be made, so remember,
If your husband’s midlife crisis has you worried about making mistakes that will make things worse, working with an experienced counselor is a smart move.
Professional guidance can help a man resolve his midlife crisis, as well as keep a wife from making well-intentioned but detrimental mistakes.
Join the conversation and please share your thoughts and experience with a husband in midlife crisis in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 31, 2012, updated on November 17, 2017, and March 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Wow Shelly! Your post hit me dead on - I am going through the exact same thing. I want to shake him and tell him don’t you know what this is?! But I choose to do whatever it takes to make me happy. I have a life too I need to remember
I just want to say that i post it comments way back, i have been reading this stuff on daily basis.
I have not being doing well in the several months, i have been really missing him and missing our lives, what it used to be, and how it has been without him. he lives in on the other end of the country, i want to be back him, i want our marriage back, i want get back with him, because i can't seem to let go of him. He came back for few days to visit our girls for the holidays, and i was really thinking it wouldn't hurt to try, I love having him around and i like that he was here helping out with stuff. he kept coming back knowing that i had this very stuff feelings for him still.
We had a chat last night, i have talk to him about all that i felt and all that i wanted, I just ask him we should give one last try, to work out our marriage, and get this back on track with our lives, i even said i am willing to move out there with him. He told me that i need to move on and that he has, he is seeing someone where he lives, he has been for awhile, he said the marriage is over, he said he had always love me but we can't be married anymore, or live as husband and wife, this crush my world. The pain in me is just so hard to handle, and the anger in me just boiling and i feel like just getting divorce proceeding started and just get him that way. i know that will not make happy in away. i don't even know what to do, and i don't how i can go on again.
Charlotte and All, I am sorry for these situations and I do share this... The reality is, these men are increasingly creepy and sorta worthless. Not what this article addresses but the truth is, they aren't worth much + cause harm. Domestic violence or emotional abuse results and that's when they gotta exit your life. This is for your great benefit although it takes a while for this full realization. Your appreciation for life without 'em becomes quite exciting without the dumb drama of an aging manchild...who lacks integrity and many other appealing qualities which will be strikingly significant in your future relations. At some point one has a much better life without 'em. Say YAY!...in time you will be very happy or at least that's what I find typical.
Hi Charlotte! Let me start by saying that your story took me back to 2016 and I was in your shoes. If you read all the posts you will find that we are all suffering or have suffered in similar ways. I am now divorced and living with my two children and in the meantime my ex is living a very single life with a lady 17 years younger than him (who incidentally is cheating on). I guess what I am trying to say is as hard as it is, it is still much better than being with someone that doesn’t value you as a woman, a human and most importantly his wife and the mother of his children. Though I sit sometimes and I wonder what have I done to deserve this when I am a family person and wanted nothing more than my family under one roof United. These men can be going through a MLC or maybe not! I don’t know anymore! What you should be concentrating on now is YOU!!! Cause without you, your babies will struggle. People often ask me why I haven’t met anyone yet and that i should move on. It’s easier said than done...what we have been through is hard and I don’t wish it on anyone.
Take care of you and your kids! Forget about the jerk , one day he will pay!
I hear you all! My husband and I had just celebrated our 20 year wedding anniversary when a week later he barged into our bedroom in a drunken rage telling me he was done and he wanted a divorce. I was completely blindsided and shocked by this. I needed a day to wrap my head around what was happening. The next day I told him that it wasn't fair to end our marriage out of the blue without me knowing there was even a problem or allowing me the opportunity to fight for us. He said he was going to give it a try. Everything seemed to be going well. I was making my own changes based on his complaints about me and my behavior, we were having sex regularly, he even called me at random just to tell me he loved me. He seemed to focus a lot on his reflection in the mirror. He sees the grey hairs, the wrinkles and gets upset that he is aging and it's apparent. He hangs out with young and unmarried people and comes home late almost every night. I used to get angry at him but now I don't say a thing. I'm just glad he's safe and still comes home. 6 weeks later he then said he needed some alone time to clear his head and took off for a week long vacation. This is the current situation. Yesterday in a drunken rage (again) he msgd me on facebook messenger and told me he blames me for why he's so messed up. He brought up problems and issues from 10-20 years ago and blamed me for why he didn't do the things he wanted or go to places he wanted or why we were broke all the time (he's racked up the credit card debts and spends thousands on electronics and his hobbies). He told me he hated me, he will never forgive me for all the wrong I've done to him and to F*ck off. I knew he was intoxicated so I didn't feed into his rage. I stayed calm and replied positively by owning up and apologizing for all my past wrongs, again. He said it was too late and again said he hated me and that I needed to get a lawyer because he's going through with the divorce. I excused myself from the chat and told him that I had to go tend to the kids, to be safe and ended the conversation saying "I love you". He didn't reply back. He is expected to return from his trip tomorrow. I don't know where his head will be when he gets back. In the meantime I'm surrounding myself with good friends and doing activities with my kids. I'm determined to hang in there and let this MLC run its course. I know he loves me and the kids, he's just not himself and he doesn't know why it's happening to him and doesn't know how to deal. This is hard for me to witness because it kills me to see the love of my life struggling, lost and in pain and there is nothing I can do for him or help him. All I can do is focus on improving myself and protecting, as well as spending time with, the kids.....and hope....hope that my husband can navigate through his MLC, find acceptance then come back to us and finally be at peace with himself. I pray for you all. Please pray for me and my kids, and for my husband. I really hope to come back with positive news someday in the near future.
Be strong! Take care of you and pray for him to wake up! I am in the same boat for one year and I hope one day he will be back! But i don’t know for sure! Be prepared for everything! Take care of you and your children
I know exactly Lefty mine was having his affairs right in our family home. My son caught him only aged 9 at the time I was told we were helping a homeless woman in need, oh we helped her alright, right into my husbands arms in my marital bed. I was done I deserve better and so do my kids!
Mine hasn't come to the point of an affair in the home but he spends all of his off-work time texting, hiding out in the sunroom, changing the screen when I walk into the room. We went to a party for an aged family member at a fancy hotel and he spent his time on the hotel terrace drinking alone and texting and got hostile when I suggested he join the party, hiding the screen to his phone when I walked up. We've been married 14 years, together 16, and he has brought me flowers only twice in all that time--both times within the last month. He must think I a blind, stupid or both. Like you, I deserve better. Thank goodness, there are no kids, but I take care of his mother, an out-of-control diabetic with dementia. He used to have a conscience...
So in other words, just let him drink himself into a coma, stay out all night and whore around until he comes around and, most of all, don't make him aware of what he is doing to the people who love him or point him in the direction of real help? Not very helpful "advice."
Be strong! Take care of you and pray for him to wake up! I am in the same boat for one year and I hope one day he will be back! But i don’t know for sure! Be prepared for everything! Take care of you and your children Violet, google and read about the six stages of midlife crisis, you will find some info there!
20 years and now he doesn't know what he wants. He stated he is in a midlife crisis but I just don't know how to handle it.