Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Experiencing a midlife crisis can upend anyone’s life, as well as the the lives of those they love.
When it’s a husband’s midlife crisis, however, many wives go into crisis management mode and feel they must do something to fix it.
Typically, the need to fix problems is more of a male instinct, but it can be hard for any of us to see our partner lost, hurting, and self-destructive. So, when you believe your husband is having a midlife crisis, most wives find it very hard to do nothing.
One of the biggest mistakes a wife can make with a husband in midlife crisis though is pushing him to “fix” or change his behavior. Often a wife’s response, although well intended, will just drive her husband even deeper into his midlife crisis.
Recently, a wife whose husband is having a midlife crisis asked me to give her some guidance on what to do. Here’s how she described their situation:
My husband of 21 years together 25, abruptly asked me if I was happy. Told me he wasn't and then he said ‘I don't love you anymore.' He's 48 and military and works 6.5 hours from home. I did the wrong thing and pleaded for a chance to work on it with him. We have 2 sons about to move to college and have talked about all the fun trips and things we will get when back to together soon, but now this suddenly came out? I see all the actions and behavior of a husband in midlife crisis, but what do I do?" -Nancy
So, what should Nancy do?
Although difficult, she’ll need first to accept that she can’t change him. Second, she needs to understand that what can do is influence him.
When you see the man you love destroying his life and yours in the process, it’s really hard not to intervene. But to have the best outcome you've got to be strategic in how you respond.
Finding the most effective way to face your husband’s midlife crisis requires a calm mind.
Anyone whose spouse has had a midlife crisis knows that keeping calm and looking at things logically during this time is extremely difficult. The emotions attached to what you’re dealing with can just be overwhelming.
What does it look like to influence a husband’s midlife crisis?
Here are 5 dos and don'ts that can help accomplish this:
Although this will be hard for wives to hear, one of the contributors to a husband’s midlife crisis can be his relationship with his wife. Please note that I wrote 'contributor,' not cause.
It's important that wives hear this difference and not be personally hurt by the idea they could be part of the problem. Wives should remind themselves that they can’t fix their husband's midlife crisis – only he can do that. And the best way to help him to do this is not to push too hard and make him feel worse. So, give him space.
It's okay to try and understand what's happening with your husband, but be careful what you call it. For a lot of men, any suggestion of a mental health problem, such as a midlife crisis or being depressed, will be met with pushback. If you label his problem you could lose his willingness to listen to your suggestions of ways to help.
The reason for this is similar to the reason not to label the problem. It's very possible that your husband may already feel that you either "nag" him or only see the things he does wrong. Although your intent is to help him, by pointing out the symptoms of a husband’s midlife crisis. it's possible he’ll only hear you “criticizing” him.
Rather than pointing out midlife crisis symptoms to your husband, suggest ways the changes you see are hurting him. You can do this by making observations such as, "I notice that you don't seem to enjoy playing golf anymore," or "You seem more stressed and need to drink a lot more to relax."
Another reason not to focus on the symptoms of a husband in midlife crisis is because it’s far more important to discover and address the underlying cause. When you have an idea of the possible reasons he’s facing a midlife crisis you can be much more effective in helping him.
I work with men and women dealing with midlife crisis on a weekly basis. Some common causes I see for men include:
We’re all inclined to reject the help of those closest to us. Some of this is just human nature, and some traces back to power struggles with our parents.
Sadly, and to our detriment, this tendency can still exist in adulthood as we can reject loved ones who try to help us too. This is why it's so important just to ask, suggest, and reflect on what you see happening during a midlife crisis, rather than directly telling your husband what to do.
A husband midlife crisis can be very complicated. Often there are multiple causes that have led him to this point. Understanding what those possibly are can help give you an idea about how you can support him in getting to the other side.
It’s important to know there are no shortcuts, which means you’ll need a large amount of patience.
Unfortunately, handling things poorly can extend a midlife crisis even longer than necessary. Leading to tragic consequences like, money problems, addictions, and even divorce as the impact of a midlife crisis takes its toll.
How a wife responds can make a huge difference in the responsiveness of her husband. Although, I must say that a husband’s response is solely his responsibility. Even though a wife can be a big influence, ultimately his behavior is up to him.
There are significant psychological issues occurring during a midlife crisis, so getting the help of a professional counselor is very important for both of you. I work with wives every week guiding them on the best way they can influence their midlife crisis husband.
In the meantime, wives can best help their husband by not being 'Mrs. Fix-it' and following the recommendations above.
If your husband’s having a midlife crisis it’s understandable that you’d want to help. Not only is it painful to see someone you love struggling, it’s also likely that his midlife crisis is destroying your life together.
But this is where big mistakes can be made, so remember,
If your husband’s midlife crisis has you worried about making mistakes that will make things worse, working with an experienced counselor is a smart move.
Professional guidance can help a man resolve his midlife crisis, as well as keep a wife from making well-intentioned but detrimental mistakes.
Join the conversation and please share your thoughts and experience with a husband in midlife crisis in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 31, 2012, updated on November 17, 2017, and March 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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So my husband is definately going through MLC. A bit of background. We have been married for 3 years (separation started just before our 3rd wedding anniversary, but we have been together for 8 years total). He has children from previous marriage, all teenagers are beautiful children.
Our intimacy has been non-existent because he always thinks i should be more interested, but he is always working and not finding quality time for us on an intimate level or flirting. We are both very affectionate in general. I was also dealing with health issues that cause my libido to be gone.
Anyway, we were going to bed the one night and i started initiating some intimacy and he pushed away.
I left the room and was like "i don't understand you at all".
When i came back he looked depressed and said "I think we need time apart, i don't feel like i'm connected to you anymore or the kids". I just need time.
He said it was to work on ourselves and sort out our issues so that we could be stronger together eventually. I flat out asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no no no, I don't want that. I think we need this so it doesn't end up that way. So i didn't cry, or pout or anything. I said, I understand and moved out 2 days later (I only moved out because his kids come to that house, and I'm not disrupting their lives over this).
It has been about 2 months. He went on a lone vacation to clear his head. He has been all over the place mentally. One minute I barely hear from him then he wants to have this huge texting conversation. He msgs me random stuff. Almost like he has to keep me in check to make sure i'm still here. It's very strange. I would go into long msgs and he would answer with a yes or no. So I stopped doing that. He gets from me when he gives me.
So, He is a huge sports nut and loves to be involved in everything with sports. But i find that it is taking over his life and has for years. He is addicted to this.
Our pattern of life leading to separation is the exact same as with his ex wife (whom i get along with really well).
She doesn't understand either. Thought he learned from his previous mistakes.
His kids don't know who he is anymore and are just so use to this behavior that they think it's normal that dad is never around. When i heard from his ex that they didn't really care to come to our house anymore because there was never anything to do there and because dad was busy all the time. I put my wall up. NOT ACCEPTABLE. It he doesn't want to be with me, fine. But he will not abandon his kids.
I spent the first 8 days not eating because of the heart ache.
Then i said, i'm not killing myself. it's not worth it.
I use to want to text him all day, but now i'm pulling back.
I find that this "i don't care attitude" has given me strength.
There really is nothing you can do. They have to figure this out on their own.
I love him with my whole heart and will always be open to reconciling if he can open his heart and see what he is doing to his life and his loved ones. But that is something he will need to figure out on his own.
Lisa - you write with such clarity of the situation and I can feel your inner strength as I read your words .... like you I choose to leave our home, it was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life ... but by doing so I have grown so much ... michael is still in my life after 3 years and we may not have the label of girlfriend/boyfriend anymore but we are closer emotionally than we have ever been ... We are both truely learning to love ourselves and each other in an organic open hearted way ...
Enjoy your journey beautiful bravehearted girl xox
Reflection on losing the fight to save my marriage. Now divorced for a year. I fought long and hard to try to show my husband I loved him, that our family needed him. I went to counseling, legal counseling, church counseling, and advice from friends and colleagues. I was willing and did sacrifice everything. You name it, I did it. For example, I listened to his conversation, eliminated extracurricular activities, I lost weight (16 down to 8), anything he wanted to do - we did, I joined in activities he enjoyed, I dressed more attractive, I made conscious behavioral choices, I cooked all his favorite foods, and was on his side even when my family didn’t think I should.
He was a good husband, a Christian man, good father and hard worker.
His mlc showed itself after a job change. He started a secret affair with a married co-worker. He started dressing younger, shaving differently, listening to music from when he was 18, and even changed his favorite color.
Nothing stopped the personality change. Nothing stopped the affair. An honest man turned into a pathological liar.
I trusted him with my life, loved him like it was forever, and we have three beautiful children together.
I asked him to move out, after I discovered that he, his mother, step father, brother, and my sister in law all celebrated New Year’s Eve together at his mistress’s house (she had divorced her husband and lied about everything to him as well). My children and I sat home alone as the whole family lied about getting together at the parents house an hour away from mine.
He told me the other woman was “texting bullshit”, that he didn’t know what he wanted, that he still loved me. He slept with both of us for two years and lied to both.
He moved in with her, brought my children to meet her the next day, married her within 6 months of our divorce.
I work full time, make a low wage, care for a farm, do everything for my children, and have no time or money for me.
He moved into a very expensive home, with a woman earning a great management salary, and doesn’t have to help do much at all with the children.
It wasn’t worth it. If I could do it again, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t fight for a man to love me, to respect me, or to honor his wedding vows. Sadly, I don’t believe there is such a man. I’ve been broken in such a way that I’ve allowed him to ruin my whole life. I doubt I will be able to keep my home, I doubt I will ever be able to retire, I’m lonely to the core, and am not optimistic about my future.
I believe in God. I don’t understand why this has happened.
I know I’m a good person, and that people like me. I don’t have a plan.
My advice to those in this situation. Protect your heart and your soul. A person on a destructive path or new path is only looking out for themselves. They don’t empathize with you, they don’t love you anymore, they don’t feel your emotions, and frankly they don’t care. Pray, find family and friends that care about you. You did nothing wrong to deserve what is happening. Life doesn’t always make sense and there aren’t answers and ways to change anyone but yourselves.
May God bless you and protect you. Seek Him to guide you.
Important to have some self-respect when your spouse is going thru MLC. It shouldn't be one way that YOU have to make all the changes- they need to change as well! Sometimes being to kind to them is detrimental. As you discovered, they suddenly turn into teenagers and become incredibly self-centered. The best way to help your spouse is to think of yourself and find new connections, interests and do all the things YOU want.
Only been together since 2003..married 2007..He is 43 I am 50. He constantly says he wants friends both make and female but I do not agree as they are single and these girls call him their "home boy". Never met them don't even know where they live..he disappeared last weekend and intentionally hid his car and shut off phone...he was supposed to go back to his apt share (we are seperated)..returned to this anonymous persons apt...I think it was a girl. Worse thing is he is a mail carrier and says he met this person while at work. I am so lost...
It's been nearly 8 months since my last post in here with you all. It's been an absolute rollercoaster ride. There have been very sweet moments where glimpses of the man I married returns. Things like kissing me and holding me while I sleep and whispering how much he loves me in my ear. Or snapping out of his withdrawal for a while and being present with the kids and I. I feel like I'm living with 2 different men trapped within a single body. I am still on edge when he's out late, but he does come home. We are still intimate and it's in those gentle moments, my husband is my husband again. But I don't expect things to be back to normal right away because each day can be different. For instance, today he didn't want to talk to me again and he removed his wedding ring and walked out the door, yet moments later he came back inside, put his wedding ring back on and left again. He's told me that he's struggling with these emotions and thoughts. He says he can't seem to control them. He knows he's not himself. He knows he needs to get better. He's aware that something isn't right. He was seeing a therapist but stopped. He was on anti-depressants, but also stopped. He said, whatever he's dealing with, he wants to deal with it in its true form, not masked by medication. He also doesn't want to feel rushed into confronting his demons, which I'm assuming was happening with the therapist. I am proud of him for now realizing he has issues and they need to be addressed. Especially considering the months prior, he wouldn't acknowledge it at all. It's still difficult. His moods are still all over the place, but he seems to be mellowing out just a tiny bit more each week. I've been reading the 6 stages of a Midlife Crisis to help me navigate on how to deal with my husband while he goes through his MLC. One of the hardest parts in all this is standing still, staying calm and trying not to react negatively to his outbursts or actions. I have to adjust my thought process and be there as his friend rather than his wife when he's dumping all his baggage on me....especially when some on his complaints are about me. I'd like to believe that my husband is between withdrawal and part 1 of the acceptance stages. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. This is something he needs to work out on his own. Nobody can fix it for him. All I can do is be there to listen when he wants to talk, encourage him when he does something positive for himself, hold him when he wants to be held. He's all about himself right now and you know what? I'm okay with that. He needs to take care of and love himself first before he is ready to commit back to the marriage and his family. If we don't get through this phase in his life then at least I know I gave it my all and that I did all that I possibly could until the very end. I'll be able to walk away without any regrets. I hope it works out for us and for all of you too.
Sounds like what my husband is going through. One minute he loves me, then the next is I need to let him go and move on. I am not a quitter and have my kind set to not giving up on him.
Hi all - I’ve already put this on another thread about divorce but think it’s more suited to this one
I've been reading this site for the last month since my husband of 22 years left. We started with problems a year earlier when I found he'd been texting a girl at work (shes 24, hes 48) and he'd seemingly kissed her but not slept with her. We went to marriage guidance but neither of us were keen on the counsellor. The first 6 months seemed like we were moving forward but this year I've suspected that hes been unhappy. I called him out on it and he admitted he was. So he agreed to leave to "sort his head out". But it all went wrong when we told the kids (20,16,16) as one had seen him still messaging this girl. So it ended with me literally kicking him out of the house. The "girl" is still with her boyfriend (because as a woman scorned I contacted him). Husband says he has no contact with her and the recent contact was just messages as friends. Hes agreed to see a counsellor this week as says hes been miserable for a while and wants to sort himself out. Hes desperately sorry for the pain hes caused and is grateful that I've encouraged the kids to still have a relationship with him - hes always been a great dad but they hated him when it happened. I dont know whether to give him time or just accept its over and move on. I dont even know if I could take him back if he wanted to