There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Why do married men cheat? Wives whose husbands have cheated have been asking this question for eons.
Both married men and women cheat, but the occurrences of cheating by married men is far higher than that of married women. It seems to happen all the time, in fact. And the reasons men give for cheating are often very similar.
Let’s examine a high-profile cheater, General David Petraeus, to find some answers.
Below are excerpts (indented sections) from the USA Today article, Why Do the Powerful Cheat. It gives us a few starting points in understanding why do married men cheat [emphasis added]:
David Petraeus is not your run-of-the-mill husband with a wandering eye. He's not just another philandering politician or celebrity cheater, like so many others whose indiscretions have come to light in recent years.
He's a retired Army general who designed and led the military surge in Iraq and was top commander in Afghanistan. He had been deployed much of his career until he was named CIA director last year. His abrupt resignation amid news of his extramarital affair with a married Army Reserve officer brings a new wrinkle into an old story of why yet another powerful man risks so much for a woman.
Yes, Petraeus joins the list of wayward sons:
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
- John Edwards
- Mark Sanford
- Eliot Spitzer
Just to name a few.
All of these men were married, so are nearly all of the men I counsel who’ve cheated.
They generally come to counseling to find a path forward. Some are wondering if they should,
This is no easy task though. Repairing a relationship after a betrayal like an affair is really tough.
But if you already have a relationship, why would you be looking for another one?
And if it's not the desire for a new relationship, then why do married men cheat?
Here are some of the article's suggested reasons why powerful married men cheat:
Risk takers "tend to believe they control their destiny or fate," Farley says. "The risk-taking personality has a bold quality. It's at the heart of great leadership, and sometimes it overrides what many Americans would call common sense."
Married men cheat because they're risk takers? Well, maybe.
Certainly no one will argue that cheating isn't risky. But is this really why married men cheat?
Are they really so drawn in by the thrill of the chase that can’t resist temptation and stay faithful to the person they love?
I don't believe it’s that simple. However, the thrill of the chase and feeling wanted by someone is very powerful. I would agree that especially for risk takers it's easier to cross the line and begin an affair, even if it’s just an emotional affair.
Add in a dose of entitlement, suggests Mira Kirshenbaum, clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston who has written books about infidelity.
"Power and success give people a sense of invulnerability," she says. "A lot of guys like Petraeus have worked awfully hard, and yes, they have a lot to show for it, but day-to-day mostly what they face is more hard work. Where's the big reward? An affair can seem like a long-deserved perk."
Now we're getting closer to one of the real reasons for an affair.
Nearly all cheating married men I've counseled have been unhappy or bored in their marriages. This unhappiness can be about -
Or any number of other factors, does contribute to men feeling entitled to finding pleasure elsewhere and thus to cheat.
This can be true of women as well.
Men, however, tend to separate in their minds the physical nature of an affair and ignore the emotional intimacy they’re supposed to have solely with their wives.
They’ll often say, "It didn’t mean anything, it was just sex” as though that makes everything okay.
Not surprisingly, their wives don’t see it that way.
Petraeus' resignation letter, which cites "very poor judgment," is particularly troubling to Dan Crum, a former CIA polygraph examiner and now consultant in Fairfax, Va.
"When he said he showed poor judgment, it minimizes the affair and characterizes it more as a one time poor decision than an extended period of decisions to maintain and continue the affair," he says. "It's almost like a 'How dare you?' response. It's part of that almost arrogance — 'Who are you to question me? I'm the one giving the orders here.' "
Crum says the fact that there was an e-mail trail "demonstrates a level of arrogance and a feeling that you're above the law."
Yes and no.
Certainly, arrogance and entitlement go hand in hand. I think arrogance explains more why men continue the affair even after the first indiscretion. Whereas entitlement can be more of the reason why married men cheat in the first place.
Many cheating men fall prey to the 'I got away with it' feeling.
They believe if they got away with it once and no one got hurt, they can do it again, and again, and again. Often it’s this arrogance along with their risk-taking behavior that eventually leads them to getting caught.
Once caught, and yes it always catches up to them in some form, the hurt and complications they were trying to avoid are now enormous.
New research by sociologist Andrew London, a senior fellow at the Institute for Veterans and Military Families at Syracuse University in New York, has found increased risk for extramarital sex among veterans. One study online now in the Journal of Family Issues used 1992 data from 2,308 ever-married people to find that more than 32% of veterans reported extramarital sex -- about twice the rate among ever-married non-veterans.
A follow-up that includes data from 2010 finds "elevated odds for extramarital sex were higher among both male and female veterans," he says. London, the lead author, also finds that those who served in the military four years or longer had a particularly high risk.
Cregg Chandler of Sumter, S.C., has seen it firsthand. He retired in 2007 after 29 years in the Air Force, including the last nine as a chaplain at bases in the USA as well as overseas in Korea and Spain. He says infidelity appears to have escalated in recent years. That's why he wrote A Separation Survival Guide for Military Couples, out earlier this year. He says military life often brings stress, isolation and frustration, which can lead to having an affair.
Military separations, which are recurring and often long-term, create loneliness without the family support system.
"They have a saying in the military: 'What happens TDY (temporary duty assignment) stays TDY.' I'm not saying it's an overall mentality, but they have that saying."
Yes, now we're getting to the real answers to the question as to why married men cheat.
How married men cheating happens is very much like how fire starts.
To start a fire, you need to combine 3 ingredients: Oxygen, heat, and fuel.
In another words, when you put -
This combination doesn’t always result in cheating, but it does frequently.
Not mentioned in the article, but often a contributor to cheating by a married man, is a midlife crisis. Unfortunately, midlife crisis affairs are very common.
Yes, absolutely.
Millions of married men everywhere resist the temptation to cheat every day.
Resisting the opportunity to cheat is something all people, men and women alike should expect of themselves while they’re in a relationship. Unlike fire, which will automatically happen when the right elements are present, affairs are a choice.
However, resisting when opportunity presents itself can be difficult for a man (or woman) that’s feeling like the problems in his marriage are insurmountable. Some may even be thinking about or already discussing divorce and feel being at this stage makes cheating not really cheating.
Just so there’s no confusion, even if you’re separated, starting a physical or emotional relationship while you’re still married IS cheating.
Let’s be clear on something else as well - cheating is an escape.
It’s a way to feel good and avoid problems. In the end it only compounds problems and makes them significantly worse.
Cheating is a symptom of something deeper going on within the relationship. That something deeper isn’t the responsibility of just one partner – it’s the responsibility of both. So, if you’re asking why married men cheat, know that the answer will also partially involve the partner of that man as well.
Of course, that doesn’t in any way make cheating an acceptable choice (or your fault).
Why do married men cheat?
Spark. Fire. Cheating.
And that's why married men cheat.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on November 17th, 2012, updated on August 28, 2018, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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There are so many factors that contribute to male or female cheating but the one byproduct of this deceptive practice is emotiona pain for the spouse. For me the most hurtful part of my ex-husbands affair was the lying and deceptive acts that seemed to add to the thrill of his forbidden affair. To me the long term choices and deliberate planning (not poor judgment) were what hurt me most. You can liken cheating to opening a match box, pulling out a match, shutting the box, and striking the match. The question is at what point do you stop yourself from catching fire.
Married men cheat, because they are selfish. They want to keep their wife on the line, faithful to them, while they do whatever they want. They want to use their wives....It's the most abusive thing you can do to another person.
Instead of ending the relationship and then moving on, they lie. It's the ultimate...and I consider it a rape of the soul. I had intimate relations with my husband on false pretenses....every single time was a rape of my soul. Getting over that is taking me years of time. I'm finally healing, but I so wish my husband had not done this to me. I wish he had just told me he needed to leave to be with another woman. That would have hurt, but this was a devastation of the soul.
I like the way Kat described cheating.....The man uses the wife & The way women he's cheating with..the....women (wife & other woman) need to get together and get the man that is cheating ..perhaps this month get hell solve the problems blemish.
I agree and after I found out my husband who travels for work had a year long affair with a woman in another state he expects me to forget it because as he says it was just sex and didn't mean anything and he didn't leave me for her. I think a real man who wasn't happy would have had enough respect to ask for a divorce. He wil never know the mental and physical damage he caused me and says he has no idea what I am going through because he knows I would never cheat. I guess I am a better person. Oh this was the third time also. He cheated many years ago. Thought he outgrew it but guess not. At 60 he ruined my life
I think you don't have to end up of saying he rape your soul by cheating on you. When we are too confident on our self, we forgot who we really are. Success and money makes a person very confident forgetting the who you really are as a person. In my experience, I am not financially successful, single mom, living in someone's else roof, living from pay check to paycheck, I am not smart enough for others but I am smart enough to know the person who he really is. It is a matter of how emotionally, mentally smart you are. Our marriage with my ex husband lasted for 7 years, and need to separate ways. I was not giving all because I know there is no mutual connection between us. I found him cheating through accidentally discovering condom from his car. End of story.
Kat, you are completely right. I found out 2 months ago that my ten years of marriage, my husband had sex on the "side"- with people I thought were my friends. Your description of it being rape of the soul, is the best description. Thank you for sharing your story. I think of what my husband was doing, and then returning to my bed, as holding me hostage to a crappy life where I have no rights to what happens to my body. I understand you. It is terrible what these men have done. I will be divorcing soon, and am very happy to have my life back...but very sad that the whole time, I was actually in love with an illusion..and never really knew who my husband was. It is like having all my memories also stolen from me...nothing was as it seemed. Take care, and I hope that you and I completely heal from this. Liz
This article states it is both partners' fault when needs are not being met. I disagree.
My husband recently had a very secretive affair. I was always open and honest with him, affectionate, supportive, physically and emotionally intimate, and respectful.
He kept his feelings of unworthiness completely internal, and though he assured me he was very happy and in love (and acted so) in actuality he was not. So when the opportunity of an affair presented itself he chased it down like his life depended on it, causing great devastation and shock to our relationship, our family, and me personally.
It isn't always both partners fault. Sometimes one is doing everything right and the other partners problems are entirely their own, which they use, perhaps with complete lack of awareness to consequences due to being self absorbed in their depression, to ignite the fire.
You are so rightly hubby I love so dearly,,you discribe exactly correctly ,
My trouble is what am I to do next,,
I just looked this up because a man on-line said he was divorced and hes still married and just took a nice vacation with his wife.Meanwhile he's online lying like crazy to women.Sad for a 52 year old man to act so stupidly.