Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
5 Min Read
Contents
Are there dangers to dating while separated? You bet - and for both of you.
Relationships can get really complicated these days. With people marrying less and divorcing more, it's no wonder that dating while separated has become a commonplace and problematic issue for people.
It may seem like no big deal, I mean separated is nearly divorced, right?
Not exactly.
Dating while separated actually poses a number of potential problems.
I most often run into people dating while separated when they're separated themselves and involved with someone else who's separated too.
A more accurate term for 'separated' in most of these cases would really be 'separating,' since few of these people are actually through their divorces or have completely ended their previous relationships.
In some cases couples, because of children and other intricacies related to married life, are still deeply involved with their soon to be ex-spouses. Or, they’re in a trial separation and uncertain of where the relationship is truly headed.
One of the most common temptations people fall for when a relationship is ending is the desire to find a new love - and to do so right now!
Often these people have been unhappy and missing love, companionship, and sex for a long time, and so there's a real pent-up, unmet need for love.
The desire for these things is completely normal. And feeling urgency to find them when they’ve been denied to you for a long time is also normal. Those desires have to be tempered, however.
Moving too quickly into a new relationship is almost always a bad idea, and these relationships rarely last.
Since I counsel men and women before, during, and after a relationship or marriage, including through a divorce, I frequently see people dating when separated.
And with the prevalence of cheating, much of the time one partner has already begun a new relationship and the other partner is now seeking to get 'mine.’
This is not a good way to start a relationship. Relationships that begin out of desperation and without both people being emotionally healthy are going to bring a lot of additional problems into your life.
Once it's been decided by one or both partners to end the relationship, most typically both partners start seeking a new relationship.
Being separated and not dating is one of the hardest temptations to resist.
After all, you're free, right? Well, not really.
So what's the problem with dating while separated?
Here are 5 reasons why it's a bad idea and will only cause you (and your new love) a lot of heartache:
1.You're Not Really Available. If you're ending a marriage, obviously you're not legally available to remarry until the divorce is final, which can take quite a bit of time (more info about dating someone separated).
But when all relationships end, there's also a period of time that has to go by for the relationship to truly come to an end in other ways. You’ll have work to do mentally, emotionally, financially, and practically (living situations, legal issues, and friends) before you can honestly and fully put yourself out there.
2. You're Not Ready for a New Partner. Now note that I didn't say you don't 'want' a new partner. Almost everyone going through a separation does. But regardless of what you 'want,' you're not ready. No one is.
You probably don't realize it, but you're not going to be ready emotionally or mentally for quite some time. That can be hard to hear, but dating while separated interrupts the process of healing, growing, and becoming emotionally strong enough again to dedicate yourself to someone else.
Even if you feel emotionally disconnected from your ex, leaving a long-term relationship brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Sorting through them and getting yourself into a stable place where you're able to be fully available for another partner takes time.
3.You Haven't Learned Your Lessons Yet. Regardless of what you want to believe, you bear responsibility for your relationship failing. There are important lessons for all of us to learn from our failed relationships - about our partners and ourselves. Learning these and taking them to heart helps us to have more successful relationships in the future.
Sadly, most people rob themselves of the opportunity to learn and they most often do this is by dating when separated. If you don't take the time to learn from your failed relationship before jumping into a new one, you're very likely to repeat the same mistakes with the next person.
4. It's Emotion, Not Reason. Getting into a new relationship when you're separated is going to be more about emotion than reason. Your new relationship will be more like a fantasy vacation than a real, day-to-day relationship because you’re not full available yet.
And a lot of the time it's driven more by wanting to escape the old relationship, rather than really wanting to be in the new one. This is not good or fair for you and especially not for the person you begin dating.
5. The Odds Are Really High It Won't Last. Nearly all relationships that begin during a separation won't last. It doesn't have to do with you or your new partner, but just the timing.
You're starting on the wrong footing. I often counsel people with big relationship problems around trust and insecurity that originate from their relationship having begun before the previous one ended.
There are additional practical reasons that dating while separated is a generally a losing proposition because of how it can complicate:
Are all big considerations that complicate a new relationship even in the best of circumstances. If you’re in the process of separating, then these issues become a greater concern creating even bigger hurtles to overcome.
It can seem impossible to control your emotions and desires during a separation.
These all comprise a tangled mess of feelings common during the separation phase. Of course, these emotions often don’t stop the interest in creating a new love connection, but usually drive it even more.
If you really care about your new love interest, however, you'll force yourself to apply more reason than emotion to your decision about dating while separated.
You'll also make your decision about more than just what you want.
If the new person that you’re interested in dating is really the person you’re meant to be with, then waiting until you’re really ready won’t hurt things.
Truthfully, if they’re smart they’ll recognize that you need more time as well.
Let’s recap:
So, as you’re contemplating your new freedom and desire for a new partner remember to make decisions wisely because a lot of heartache is at stake when you date while separated.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 9, 2013, updated on May 8, 2018, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
© 2026 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
Steve,
I understand where you are coming from. But there has been a trust issue in the past with him and social media. When I found out about that, he said it was only innocent flirting and it meant nothing... really? He's 42 and I'm 38. Now I'm wondering when will these secrets and lies stop? Even if I stuck it out with him through his divorce, i don't know if I can see myself in a lasting relationship with him. I love him dearly and it sounds to me like he's going through the motions of being separated but I have kids as well and have invested into to him.
I guess the question is now: can this guy be honest? Or is he an emotional wreck looking for a cure for his loneliness by any means?
If this is true, then I can't go on like this. There are too many people at risk for a broken heart.
I take family very seriously! And now that seems to be shattered by lies of who I thought I was monogamously in a relationship with.
Well, that's a whole different story. I was under the impression it was only a single incident. In my opinion, there's dishonesty, and then there's dishonesty in a relationship. People often lie about meaningless stuff, bragging and such, or they lie about qualifications to get a job, or they lie in their online profile in order to attract a possible match. These lies are often blindly dispersed and don't have any intention of doing harm or causing distrust in a specific person.
Lying in a relationship is a whole different issue... these are lies meant to deceive the person who trusts you the most, on issues that are the most important. In that case, I have never known someone who lies a few times and then stops... it's always a repetitive action. I've had friends like that when I was younger... and 20 years later they're still doing the exact same thing. It doesn't end and dismissing the lies often encourages them to lie more.
In my experience, the people who lie in relationships often follow the same pattern... they have issues, for one reason or another, that causes them to constantly search for another companion. Regardless of how far this leads, the lies they tell as a result often are legitimized by claiming that they were only trying to protect the relationship, not to avoid getting into 'trouble'. I can't tell you how many times I had people tell me "I only lied to protect her". It's a false rationalization that somehow makes their lies, in their mind, somewhat 'noble', which is why they keep doing it over and over again.
So, in my non-professional opinion, someone who lies in a relationship in order to cover up infidelity, regardless of how minor, more often then not makes a habit out of doing so. A 'secret' about an incident that occurred during a relationship is also a form of dishonesty. So if someone is pulling all this garbage before you're even married, don't expect it to end after you're married. Either marry him with the expectation of future lies, or at the very least, the knowledge that you'll never fully trust him.... or cut your losses now and look for someone more deserving.
Steve, you are right. I find myself not being able to trust him with most things. Every time his phone goes off with a text message or someone calls, I feel my heart sink! This is all fresh to me and I am struggling between my love for him and his lies.
Even though I have the password to his phone and he says I can check it at any time but I know he deletes things out of his phone to cover his tracks. Although I have acted like one when the secrets came about, I'm not a detective and refuse to live my life in constant fear of being cheated on.
Gosh! This really hurts! I asked him to come clean with any other secrets or lies that he's told but says there are none.... I don't believe him.
Thanks for your advice Steve. I'm not downplaying anyone else's advice, I just believe yours to be the more rational.
Thank you, Lisa. Best of luck to you.
Hi Steve,
I realize that I'm about 9 months late to the party but I would like to get your "non-professional" opinion.
My wife and I began the separation process 3.5 years ago, with me moving out of our house 3 years ago, and Legal Separation becoming official 1.5 years ago.
The only reason we decided on Legal Separation as opposed to Divorce was due to the fact that my job would keep her on my Teamsters insurance (only $68/month) if we didn't fully file for Divorce. So she, as well as our two children, are all still on my insurance plan.
She and I have remained cordial the past few years, as we've both grown as people, but we have zero romantic feelings at this point. She and I have both dated other people and have moved on. Literally the only reason we aren't divorced yet is because I am a caring person and want to help her because she is self employed so insurance would cost her a lot!
My question. I am going to start dating again. Maybe online first, but regardless. Should I state my status as "Divorced" or "Legally Separated?!"
I want to be honest but also fear the immediate rejection and stigma that's associated with the word "separated" even when it's preceded by the word "legally."
Kas - surely you should start as i hope you mean to go on and be completely honest that you are Legally Seperated. It’s noble that you are concerned for your seperated spouse and wish to maintain financial support especially as you have children involved. If you are embarking on dating right now are you interested in romance and relationship or friendship. In the future if you find someone you like i am asking myself how far up in your priorities will her welfare be. Would she be expected to be in a relationship without prospects of marriage.. ever, in order to support your current situation. The problem is we do sometimes have to consider ‘the rest of the population’. Is there no other solution financially where your wife can be assisted but you could also become divorced to make things fairer for anyone who in the future may choose to love you.?
My situation is that the guy that I am seeing(he is also my landlord), is going through a separation. He has brought me to friends and family. He has a lot of money at stake here. He lives within a block and so does his wife, but separately!
The problem is, he's afraid of his wife and son knowing. His son is 8. We go places, have so much fun and laugh constantly! I'm falling for him! Should I keep dating but slowly? I'm aware of the consequences! I'm also very independent!
Although I agree with Gail, I'm a little confused about one thing...
I get not wanting your children to know you're seeing another woman, as that might be very confusing and/or distressing to them. The thing I don't get is why he's afraid of his wife knowing. That makes no sense to me. There is no law anywhere keeping a person from having an outside relationship during a separation, so that wouldn't affect him negatively in the courts, unless they could prove he started seeing you before the separation begun.
If he is truly separated and prepared to break off his marriage, then why would his concern for his wife knowing be stronger then his feelings for you? And would this continue after the divorce is finalized? Why would his feelings change simply because he signs a piece of paper?
Of course, you can simply find out by asking. If his fears are irrational, then he'll never get over them without a rational person's point of view.
Audrey as long as you know that it could end.. and you're not hurting anyone... why wouldn't you continue to date him? If he is living separately from his wife she is living her life and he is living there the transition between that time and divorce should not be a jail sentence where you can't date and the key word in that is
"date" no matter what someone status is widowed divorced single never married whoever you date they can leave you so why not live life and enjoy it with someone special. People are not property they are free spirits that can choose to leave you when you learn to accept that life will be a lot easier
I dated and eventually moved in with a "divorcing" man (dated for 1 1/2 years, living together for 2). His divorce is going very slowly (almost six years) due the the prolonged sale of properties etc. and lots of bickering and non-cooperation by his ex. Now everything is sold off and he's on the last step: they need to "equalize" their savings, which means his wife owes him money. She refuses to cooperate or even return his emails. The divorce is still stalled and he's pretty much thrown up his hands in frustration. The cost of a lawyer to take her to court would use up most the money she owes, so that's kind of a fruitless effort. He says as they are so estranged and we're happy as we are, it's pretty much a non-issue. But it bugs me. We both have adult children and we see the ex at family functions etc. (very chilly atmosphere). I've invested a lot of my heart into this relationship and we have a very happy life together (except that he's still technically married to someone else). We have no intent to marry. We share expenses and adventures but we keep our equity separate. We're quite happy co-habitating. Am I making too much of this situation? It is throwing a bit wrench into our relationship and frequent fights on the topic are cropping up.
Jane
Jane, It's ok that it bugs you - being estranged is not the same as being divorced. If it's bothering you, then you're not making too much out of it, and he should respect that. -Kurt
Thanks. My thoughts exactly. We've discussed it and he's agreed to continue to pursue the divorce. Jane
You have to wonder how much of this turmoil is from the ex-wife trying to make it difficult for him to move on. Maybe she has no life and is fine with dragging out the divorce just to make it hard on him. If there's a chance that's the case, then you should both make an extra effort not to let this issue cause problems between you.
Other then that, I certainly don't know him, but from what you've described it sounds like you have a good relationship and the divorce is proceeding as planned, although much too slowly. Since you don't intend to marry, then what's the issue? Marriage is the only thing his current status could interfere with, and if you don't intend on getting married now, then his situation should not cause problems for the two of you.
Don't overthink the 'technically married' aspect... it's just a government-issued label. Marriage is a bond... a commitment between two people, so if there is no bond or commitment, then there is no 'marriage' outside of a piece of paper. Don't let your relationship hang on that worthless label. The government will make him dance around for a while in order to appease them before they'll grant the divorce... stick with him because the song won't last forever...
Thanks for the input Steve. I think you're bang on... his ex is definitely having a hard time moving on. She remains very enmeshed in his family (far more so than him). Seeing that I have to put up with the Mrs. at every family event we choose to attend I would prefer that there is NO confusion that his past marriage is over and I am now his partner. I was questioning whether I was making much ado about nothing. With the input from this forum to support me, we've discussed it and my guy agrees. He has a new resolve to take a stab at finalizing that divorce. Thanks for the support!
Jane
An update: he's still stalling and the fights are getting nastier. Even though we were in complete agreement and he gave me his word several times that he is going to pursue finalizing his divorce, he's now changing his tune, saying I need to back off and it's totally up to him and his wife if the divorce or simply stay separated. I feel so disrespected. My advice: be very careful before getting too involved with a separated guy. It can turn into a very ugly and painful can of worms.
Jane- i agree with you. If he has been lucky enough to get a second chance at a loving committed relationship then there are three people equally involved and your happiness should be his priority.
I've been separated from my husband for almost 7 months, at his insistence, after I found out he had been cheating on me w/a "friend". I found out because I got "sick", curable thank GOD. We went to couples counseling and he claims these sessions opened his eyes to the resentments he had about me. Deciding to give him the space he needed, w/ an agreement to end couples couseling, see each other once a week, and speak everyday. None of this happened and in fact I later found out he was still cheating. In reality my husband has been cheating for almost 2 year and we've been married 3 years this month. We haven't been intimate w/each other for a year. We're both in indivdual coounseling and I don't know what to do now. I don't think we're getting back together but, I can admit that I'm lonely and my self-esteem is shot.
Michelle, I have seen many couples recover from infidelity but it takes a lot of work on both partners parts, and most need the professional help of a counselor to navigate it. That's good you're in counseling on your own. Your counselor should be able to give you the tools you need to move forward, if that's what you want to do. -Kurt
If I may inject my opinion as a non-professional...
Of course, I have no idea what the entire situation is, as I'm only hearing one side of it. But from what you've said, it sounds to me like the guy isn't worth your time. Cheating for two out of three years is despicable, and then trying to imply that you're somehow at fault for his infidelities? I spent months at the end of my marriage feeling bitterness and resentment towards my wife, and the idea of cheating never once entered my mind...
A guy who is caught cheating on his wife shouldn't be rewarded with 7 months of guilt-free time to do whatever he wants... if he cared the slightest bit for you or your marriage, he would spend seven months fighting to gain your trust back and doing whatever is necessary to mend the marriage. Commitment in a marriage requires two active participants... if he's not in, then you're fighting a losing battle.
As for counseling, it's good for helping guide you to your ultimate goal, but it'll never help if you can't tell the difference between 'right' and 'wrong' in the first place. Your husband doesn't seem to be able to distinguish between the two, and if that's true, all the counseling in the world won't help him.
I have not been in your particular situation before, but trust me, I've felt the loneliness and lack of self-esteem just the same, and I understand completely how you feel. It's brutal and the fact that the person you trusted the most is the cause only makes things worse. My ultimate resolution was not to leave the power in their hands, but to make the decision myself. That gave me a feeling that I was back in control, and it helped with the self esteem. The loneliness is the worst because it's hard to imagine there's an end to it. It will fade in time, I assure you. Just don't let it keep you in a position of weakness and making decisions that are not in YOUR best interests.