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Are there dangers to dating while separated? You bet - and for both of you.
Relationships can get really complicated these days. With people marrying less and divorcing more, it's no wonder that dating while separated has become a commonplace and problematic issue for people.
It may seem like no big deal, I mean separated is nearly divorced, right?
Not exactly.
Dating while separated actually poses a number of potential problems.
I most often run into people dating while separated when they're separated themselves and involved with someone else who's separated too.
A more accurate term for 'separated' in most of these cases would really be 'separating,' since few of these people are actually through their divorces or have completely ended their previous relationships.
In some cases couples, because of children and other intricacies related to married life, are still deeply involved with their soon to be ex-spouses. Or, they’re in a trial separation and uncertain of where the relationship is truly headed.
One of the most common temptations people fall for when a relationship is ending is the desire to find a new love - and to do so right now!
Often these people have been unhappy and missing love, companionship, and sex for a long time, and so there's a real pent-up, unmet need for love.
The desire for these things is completely normal. And feeling urgency to find them when they’ve been denied to you for a long time is also normal. Those desires have to be tempered, however.
Moving too quickly into a new relationship is almost always a bad idea, and these relationships rarely last.
Since I counsel men and women before, during, and after a relationship or marriage, including through a divorce, I frequently see people dating when separated.
And with the prevalence of cheating, much of the time one partner has already begun a new relationship and the other partner is now seeking to get 'mine.’
This is not a good way to start a relationship. Relationships that begin out of desperation and without both people being emotionally healthy are going to bring a lot of additional problems into your life.
Once it's been decided by one or both partners to end the relationship, most typically both partners start seeking a new relationship.
Being separated and not dating is one of the hardest temptations to resist.
After all, you're free, right? Well, not really.
So what's the problem with dating while separated?
Here are 5 reasons why it's a bad idea and will only cause you (and your new love) a lot of heartache:
1.You're Not Really Available. If you're ending a marriage, obviously you're not legally available to remarry until the divorce is final, which can take quite a bit of time (more info about dating someone separated).
But when all relationships end, there's also a period of time that has to go by for the relationship to truly come to an end in other ways. You’ll have work to do mentally, emotionally, financially, and practically (living situations, legal issues, and friends) before you can honestly and fully put yourself out there.
2. You're Not Ready for a New Partner. Now note that I didn't say you don't 'want' a new partner. Almost everyone going through a separation does. But regardless of what you 'want,' you're not ready. No one is.
You probably don't realize it, but you're not going to be ready emotionally or mentally for quite some time. That can be hard to hear, but dating while separated interrupts the process of healing, growing, and becoming emotionally strong enough again to dedicate yourself to someone else.
Even if you feel emotionally disconnected from your ex, leaving a long-term relationship brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Sorting through them and getting yourself into a stable place where you're able to be fully available for another partner takes time.
3.You Haven't Learned Your Lessons Yet. Regardless of what you want to believe, you bear responsibility for your relationship failing. There are important lessons for all of us to learn from our failed relationships - about our partners and ourselves. Learning these and taking them to heart helps us to have more successful relationships in the future.
Sadly, most people rob themselves of the opportunity to learn and they most often do this is by dating when separated. If you don't take the time to learn from your failed relationship before jumping into a new one, you're very likely to repeat the same mistakes with the next person.
4. It's Emotion, Not Reason. Getting into a new relationship when you're separated is going to be more about emotion than reason. Your new relationship will be more like a fantasy vacation than a real, day-to-day relationship because you’re not full available yet.
And a lot of the time it's driven more by wanting to escape the old relationship, rather than really wanting to be in the new one. This is not good or fair for you and especially not for the person you begin dating.
5. The Odds Are Really High It Won't Last. Nearly all relationships that begin during a separation won't last. It doesn't have to do with you or your new partner, but just the timing.
You're starting on the wrong footing. I often counsel people with big relationship problems around trust and insecurity that originate from their relationship having begun before the previous one ended.
There are additional practical reasons that dating while separated is a generally a losing proposition because of how it can complicate:
Are all big considerations that complicate a new relationship even in the best of circumstances. If you’re in the process of separating, then these issues become a greater concern creating even bigger hurtles to overcome.
It can seem impossible to control your emotions and desires during a separation.
These all comprise a tangled mess of feelings common during the separation phase. Of course, these emotions often don’t stop the interest in creating a new love connection, but usually drive it even more.
If you really care about your new love interest, however, you'll force yourself to apply more reason than emotion to your decision about dating while separated.
You'll also make your decision about more than just what you want.
If the new person that you’re interested in dating is really the person you’re meant to be with, then waiting until you’re really ready won’t hurt things.
Truthfully, if they’re smart they’ll recognize that you need more time as well.
Let’s recap:
So, as you’re contemplating your new freedom and desire for a new partner remember to make decisions wisely because a lot of heartache is at stake when you date while separated.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 9, 2013, updated on May 8, 2018, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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Hi,
I am working overseas and from Asia, i met a guy from europe but i have known him on the social media. We are working in the same country somewhere in Africa (different company). I am an hour by plane away from him , we were talking online like 3 months before we met. It's unexpected meeting, i did not plan it since i need to visit my friends to that place where he is also staying so i decided to meet him. Our communication online before we met was not really regular or constant. He said that he is separated man for 2 years and I am not sure of that . I am 35 and he is 42 years old. We met by chance and we slept with him during the night because i started to like him. When i flew back to my working place we were communicating regularly and he said that he really liked me. I think the feelings are mutual. I am planning to move and work in the same place so that i can spend more time with him. he is in his country now for holiday and it is so strange that within 2 weeks he did not send me any messages, i was wondering and doubting maybe he is with his family or his wife or he might not telling me the truth that he is separated. I dont know but i think i am inlove with him and its going me crazy but i am avoiding to send any messages maybe he will not reply and makes me hurt so much. I am trying to forget him and he coming back in a week now, i am sure when he comes back he will communicate to me... Please help me what to do. Thank you!
Elena, Even if he is separated, he is still married to someone else. On top of that, log distance relationships are always hard. It seems you have made the right decision already. -Kurt
I met a guy 4 and a half months ago. We didn't really talk about our pasts for around 6 weeks. I asked him how long he had been separated for and he said 4 months. I felt that was not a very long time after being in the relationship for 30 years. I told him of my concerns and he said that it was and had been over for the past 5 years. I found out yesterday that he lied to me and he really had only been separated for 3 weeks when he met me. I am upset that he lied to me. I don't know whether I can trust him now after finding out that he wasn't telling me the truth. What do others think?
my dear one., a man who lies to his woman will always lie so open your eyes and thank God you have known his true colours before its too late. Its best you close the chapter of him and open new one in your life however be cautious with the second chapter u open in your love life.
This is a reply to Cilla, above. My live in girlfriend of 10 years started seeing someone else about a year ago - I was devastated. I never seen it coming. She kicked me out, and I lived in my car. And I never knew what I had until it was gone. After a few months apart, we started seeing her again. And things were good, but she never fully promised that we could get back to gether. I met a girl who was really attracted to me, and we hung out some times. And I thought about getting into it with her, but the p possible of reconciliating with my girl was still there. So I lead her on. And want honest about a lot of things. And I made sure my girl knew.And you can imagine what happened - holy crap. I'm so very happily married to my girl now, something we should have done years ago.. But Cilla, and all you other girls let me tell you, guys will do what I did and use you to get back another girl. Not the best way to do it but it worked for me. Be careful, do your homework. The guy who talks a good game could be unemployed, living out of his car in the WalMaet parking lot, making googly eyes at you but still sleeping with and hanging out with someone else. I did it.And I'm not proud of it, but men are pigs what can I say. Good luck to you.
Hi
Last Aug (2015) my wife decided to end our 27 yr marriage. I saw a councillor and within 3 weeks he determined and traced that we had both checked out of our marriage back a year earlier. About mid Sept 2015 he said I didn't have to see him anymore and I was fine to move on in life. Spent till end of Oct (6 weeks) to see if he was correct and by then I knew I was very stable, picked up my hobbies and became quite a happy person living with my two sons 20 and 22. I met a lady online beginning of Nov and it became an LDR. Went to see her in Jan and she moved to the city where I live in March. That was the reason I started talking to her as she already planned to move to my city and not because of me. Since March we have had a ball and been going away and been great company. I see her on weekends and we chat during week. My divorce will come through in August. So really there are some people that can move on quickly without taking any baggage along. All this talk about you should't, not ready, emotionally not moved on, really depends on the actual person. I agree that in 'most' cases this article is correct but not for every situation. I am 54 and she is 53 so perhaps being wiser and have wisdom helps 🙂 Have a great day everyone. Regards, Dave.
Dave - Yes there are some men even younger that know exactly what reality is and choose happiness. Stay on the course of happiness and don't sway as mine did. I told my story in response the Chrissy's above. I'm 35 and my ex whose "separated" is 36. Older mean tell him that if he doesn't divorce now, he will later and then it will be more money. I've cut him off - blocked all phone numbers but he's still calls me from random numbers, listens to my voice, and then hangs up. I left him alone so he could be happy and try to make things work with the "now interested again wife". It makes me angry that he's still trying to contact me.
The 'wife' and I are divorce bound. I have been living in the basement for a few months after she wanted the room I was in. We haven't slept in the same room for about 10 months, but have had problems in our relationship for an ongoing 2.5 years. As well as prior instances where she would refuse physical contact for months and months. We go to the same counsellor but he has chosen to see us separately. He has said to me that she is on the divorce road, as we have grown apart as a couple. We have two kids 12 and 10. They are the reason we continue with this situation, and they are fully aware of what is happening in our lives and what we are doing to see if this can be rectified. I feel we are giving the kids false hope, as this really feels doomed. She talks of 'the next step' so, I've been looking for a place. We don't have anything to say anymore, we don't say hi, bye, nothing. We don't fight. We stay out of each others way and are never alone in the house together. Only when the kids are home do we at least sit at the table together. I truly hate her and am unsure how much more I can possibly endure for the sake of my lovely children. I'm lonely emotionally and physically. I'm 47 and I just want this to be over with, so I can start the year of purgatory before I can try to be happy for myself. Doesn't seem right.
Iam in the very same boat marriage has initial;ly ended up since five years ago and iam staying in the same house but separated for the sake of my lovely kids who are 12,8 and 5. I think its best to find inner happiness for yourself warren as life is short though give yourself time before u open new page of your love life..
Thanks Kurt! I am having trouble sorting out my feelings with my wife. She is my best friend, love of my life, super beautiful, supportive, kind, loving and generous. The problem is that I don't feel she feels the same about me. We have been having a rough patch where our perceived misunderstandings just lead to arguments about validation and lack thereof. We are so close that our arguments are actually identical, each of us demanding the same thing. It would be comical if it weren't so heartbreaking. I want the best for her and if I am not right for her, as devastated as I would be, I wish she could find the person who would make her happy. The problem seems to be that she may not be happy with herself, thereby making it nearly impossible for me to give her what she "needs". It is like I'm trying to fill a bottomless hole, I'm just not able to be everything she is asking. It seems that every time I do what she says she needs, I am suddenly lacking in whatever the opposite is (if that makes any sense). It is frustrating and I and a real blow to my self esteem to be constantly trying to make up for something she perceives is lacking in the way I am supporting her or the kids. I just want her to be happy but I can't give her something she is unwilling to find on her own. It is within her, she just won't look. Any thoughts?
Gary, I can't really give any specifics without knowing her, but you're right that if she can't be happy with herself, it's hard to be happy in general. Professional counseling would be a great place to start to get to the actual issues. Even if your wife won't go with you at first, go on your own. In my experience, once one partner comes in, the other wants to. -Kurt
Hello Gary what i see in your wife is psychological help is what she needs..human being differ and we all have our own upbringing via our own surroundings which mould us in the way we are hence i suggest you take her to a counsellor or pyschologist and perhaps if human ecological theory is applied and triangle of love therory during the session iam certain her problem will be seen and solved with time