Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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Are there dangers to dating while separated? You bet - and for both of you.
Relationships can get really complicated these days. With people marrying less and divorcing more, it's no wonder that dating while separated has become a commonplace and problematic issue for people.
It may seem like no big deal, I mean separated is nearly divorced, right?
Not exactly.
Dating while separated actually poses a number of potential problems.
I most often run into people dating while separated when they're separated themselves and involved with someone else who's separated too.
A more accurate term for 'separated' in most of these cases would really be 'separating,' since few of these people are actually through their divorces or have completely ended their previous relationships.
In some cases couples, because of children and other intricacies related to married life, are still deeply involved with their soon to be ex-spouses. Or, they’re in a trial separation and uncertain of where the relationship is truly headed.
One of the most common temptations people fall for when a relationship is ending is the desire to find a new love - and to do so right now!
Often these people have been unhappy and missing love, companionship, and sex for a long time, and so there's a real pent-up, unmet need for love.
The desire for these things is completely normal. And feeling urgency to find them when they’ve been denied to you for a long time is also normal. Those desires have to be tempered, however.
Moving too quickly into a new relationship is almost always a bad idea, and these relationships rarely last.
Since I counsel men and women before, during, and after a relationship or marriage, including through a divorce, I frequently see people dating when separated.
And with the prevalence of cheating, much of the time one partner has already begun a new relationship and the other partner is now seeking to get 'mine.’
This is not a good way to start a relationship. Relationships that begin out of desperation and without both people being emotionally healthy are going to bring a lot of additional problems into your life.
Once it's been decided by one or both partners to end the relationship, most typically both partners start seeking a new relationship.
Being separated and not dating is one of the hardest temptations to resist.
After all, you're free, right? Well, not really.
So what's the problem with dating while separated?
Here are 5 reasons why it's a bad idea and will only cause you (and your new love) a lot of heartache:
1.You're Not Really Available. If you're ending a marriage, obviously you're not legally available to remarry until the divorce is final, which can take quite a bit of time (more info about dating someone separated).
But when all relationships end, there's also a period of time that has to go by for the relationship to truly come to an end in other ways. You’ll have work to do mentally, emotionally, financially, and practically (living situations, legal issues, and friends) before you can honestly and fully put yourself out there.
2. You're Not Ready for a New Partner. Now note that I didn't say you don't 'want' a new partner. Almost everyone going through a separation does. But regardless of what you 'want,' you're not ready. No one is.
You probably don't realize it, but you're not going to be ready emotionally or mentally for quite some time. That can be hard to hear, but dating while separated interrupts the process of healing, growing, and becoming emotionally strong enough again to dedicate yourself to someone else.
Even if you feel emotionally disconnected from your ex, leaving a long-term relationship brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Sorting through them and getting yourself into a stable place where you're able to be fully available for another partner takes time.
3.You Haven't Learned Your Lessons Yet. Regardless of what you want to believe, you bear responsibility for your relationship failing. There are important lessons for all of us to learn from our failed relationships - about our partners and ourselves. Learning these and taking them to heart helps us to have more successful relationships in the future.
Sadly, most people rob themselves of the opportunity to learn and they most often do this is by dating when separated. If you don't take the time to learn from your failed relationship before jumping into a new one, you're very likely to repeat the same mistakes with the next person.
4. It's Emotion, Not Reason. Getting into a new relationship when you're separated is going to be more about emotion than reason. Your new relationship will be more like a fantasy vacation than a real, day-to-day relationship because you’re not full available yet.
And a lot of the time it's driven more by wanting to escape the old relationship, rather than really wanting to be in the new one. This is not good or fair for you and especially not for the person you begin dating.
5. The Odds Are Really High It Won't Last. Nearly all relationships that begin during a separation won't last. It doesn't have to do with you or your new partner, but just the timing.
You're starting on the wrong footing. I often counsel people with big relationship problems around trust and insecurity that originate from their relationship having begun before the previous one ended.
There are additional practical reasons that dating while separated is a generally a losing proposition because of how it can complicate:
Are all big considerations that complicate a new relationship even in the best of circumstances. If you’re in the process of separating, then these issues become a greater concern creating even bigger hurtles to overcome.
It can seem impossible to control your emotions and desires during a separation.
These all comprise a tangled mess of feelings common during the separation phase. Of course, these emotions often don’t stop the interest in creating a new love connection, but usually drive it even more.
If you really care about your new love interest, however, you'll force yourself to apply more reason than emotion to your decision about dating while separated.
You'll also make your decision about more than just what you want.
If the new person that you’re interested in dating is really the person you’re meant to be with, then waiting until you’re really ready won’t hurt things.
Truthfully, if they’re smart they’ll recognize that you need more time as well.
Let’s recap:
So, as you’re contemplating your new freedom and desire for a new partner remember to make decisions wisely because a lot of heartache is at stake when you date while separated.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 9, 2013, updated on May 8, 2018, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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hello.. this is my very first time to read these comments and advice of marriage counsellor.. i must say i half agree with you but half i dont agree...some marriages come to a terrible halt and there is no turning back and no need to either...i have been married for 12 years with three kids and i can tell u that my hubby has been a pain throughout our marriage inspite several plea i gave him to change. women and ex gfs has been part of him and the same neraly drove me crazy after i realised this-trust died instantly and i decided dating too. We are now separated and he had decided muting totally and he is having an affair. I feel lonely as i dated back then but not any more often i feel like having someone in my life now but often too i ask myself am i truly ready for the same or not? Planning to work on my divorce however i know how much time it will consume. No matter the situation everyone needs someone to love and be loved back but at the right time
I find these ideas to be disagreeable. I am a man at the end of a 20 year relationship (17 years married). I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD, Depression and Anxiety last year and my ex-wife became more abusive than she had previously - stating that 'she was incapable of being supportive' not just with me but that it was part of her makeup. Further it has become clear that she has been emotionally abusive for years and has been controlling me through a number of means. We both are smart (a negative really) with multiple post-secondary degrees.
My ex is several years older than me and I have awoken to find that she is the only sexual partner I had and that I lost my twenties and thirties to someone who was withholding sex and likely having an affair on the side.
To suggest that someone in my position wait months or years for my divorce to finalize is extending the abuse that my ex inflicted upon me and the years of my life which she stole.
Further, given her behaviours and what has turned out to be sociopathic behaviours on her part she chose to ruin the few friendships I did have as the marriage ended. So I find my self completely socially ostracized. I also am unemployed as I went back to school full time last year so I haven't any structure in my life to address the challenges of coming to terms with either my diagnosis of ADHD or the loss of what I perceived (very wrongly) to be a marriage that while not perfect was functional.
To suggest that waiting months or years to try to learn what I should have in dating relationships and which will take years to learn and develop - trying to start at 43 or 44 or 45 instead of 40 or 41 is a huge difference. Also, there is no growth without connections and there is no starting over with out the starting part.
Hi Steve,
I am on the other end of your situation as I'm dating a guy who's separated and going through a divorce. I used to go out with him roughly 10 years ago when we were both single. I looked him up recently, we reconnected and he explained to me his current situation. We met up to watch a football game and grab some food and it was just like old times. All of the feelings resurfaced and he's assured me that his divorce should be finalized by the end of the year yet I am scared half to death. What if they decide to reconcile? What if I am a rebound or just a way to help him get over the disappointment of his marriage failing. All of these things run through my head and reading the comments online don't make it any easier as most women advise that you should stay away from men in your situation. I guess I am a little silly though because I'm trusting my heart and giving him a chance anyway. It's easier because we already know and care for each other and he's already asked me to move in with him once the divorce is over. He told me last night that he appreciates the fact that I am sticking in there with him with all that he appreciates me for that. I believe each situation is unique and while some my stay away from dating until the divorce is finalized, others move and because emotionally they know they've already checked out and like you are looking forward to a fresh start and a new life. Good luck to you, I'm sure it's not easy being in limbo.
Hi Jon, your comment struck a cord with me the most. On 02/Sep/16, my husband (7 yrs married) asked for a separation out of the blue. It was left field for me, but I think back and I was unhappy. The biggest issue I had was about dating during separation. He said it's fine, but I feel that since we're legally married (not divorced) there should not be any adultery (dating, lusting, cheating, courting) with someone outside of the marriage. A few weeks passed and he had a woman in the wings. On Oct 31, he had been riding the fence, and I finally asked him "So are you and her pursuing a romantic relationship?" and he said Yes. I said "You know this means Divorce". Now we're pursuing Divorce; it is no longer a separation. Thing is, a lot of mutual friends, even Chrisitians, support his new relationship, saying he seems really happy etc. It makes me sick, but I'm a strong woman. I never call him, cut off all finances, but we remain cordial because our 6 yr old daughter and he love each other very much. I feel that "integrity" is a bad word nowadays, no one has any honor. It's like, go whichever way the wind blows, one day this, one day that. Vows under God are taken lightly, like they're a joke. I had to vent. So yeah, technically the soon-to-be-ex is cheating and happy, and I maintain intergrity. So many people on this site try to justify and make excuses about cheating while married but separated, like it's cool and the right thing to do. Well, no, it's not. That realization will come at a later date. Thank you Jon, for being a man of honor. I hope one day to meet a man like you, who has similar strong values in this country.
I Agree
Hi! I've been with my "currently ex boyfriend" (just last month) for 7years, we have 3 kids together still toddlers. He 8s still living in my house and ue started seeing another woman, it hurts ita like 7years of nothing he doesnt want to move out yet because he wants me to get my driving and have a job 1st he said he doesnt want to leave me with nothing and give me hard time. Should I make him move out? It hurts when I see that he really liked tye girl, and oh were not married. What should I do? I didnt tell anyone yet.
Juliene, It sounds a bit like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Only you can know if making him leave is right for you, but you will have to make a decision about what it is you're willing to tolerate. -Kurt