Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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Are there dangers to dating while separated? You bet - and for both of you.
Relationships can get really complicated these days. With people marrying less and divorcing more, it's no wonder that dating while separated has become a commonplace and problematic issue for people.
It may seem like no big deal, I mean separated is nearly divorced, right?
Not exactly.
Dating while separated actually poses a number of potential problems.
I most often run into people dating while separated when they're separated themselves and involved with someone else who's separated too.
A more accurate term for 'separated' in most of these cases would really be 'separating,' since few of these people are actually through their divorces or have completely ended their previous relationships.
In some cases couples, because of children and other intricacies related to married life, are still deeply involved with their soon to be ex-spouses. Or, they’re in a trial separation and uncertain of where the relationship is truly headed.
One of the most common temptations people fall for when a relationship is ending is the desire to find a new love - and to do so right now!
Often these people have been unhappy and missing love, companionship, and sex for a long time, and so there's a real pent-up, unmet need for love.
The desire for these things is completely normal. And feeling urgency to find them when they’ve been denied to you for a long time is also normal. Those desires have to be tempered, however.
Moving too quickly into a new relationship is almost always a bad idea, and these relationships rarely last.
Since I counsel men and women before, during, and after a relationship or marriage, including through a divorce, I frequently see people dating when separated.
And with the prevalence of cheating, much of the time one partner has already begun a new relationship and the other partner is now seeking to get 'mine.’
This is not a good way to start a relationship. Relationships that begin out of desperation and without both people being emotionally healthy are going to bring a lot of additional problems into your life.
Once it's been decided by one or both partners to end the relationship, most typically both partners start seeking a new relationship.
Being separated and not dating is one of the hardest temptations to resist.
After all, you're free, right? Well, not really.
So what's the problem with dating while separated?
Here are 5 reasons why it's a bad idea and will only cause you (and your new love) a lot of heartache:
1.You're Not Really Available. If you're ending a marriage, obviously you're not legally available to remarry until the divorce is final, which can take quite a bit of time (more info about dating someone separated).
But when all relationships end, there's also a period of time that has to go by for the relationship to truly come to an end in other ways. You’ll have work to do mentally, emotionally, financially, and practically (living situations, legal issues, and friends) before you can honestly and fully put yourself out there.
2. You're Not Ready for a New Partner. Now note that I didn't say you don't 'want' a new partner. Almost everyone going through a separation does. But regardless of what you 'want,' you're not ready. No one is.
You probably don't realize it, but you're not going to be ready emotionally or mentally for quite some time. That can be hard to hear, but dating while separated interrupts the process of healing, growing, and becoming emotionally strong enough again to dedicate yourself to someone else.
Even if you feel emotionally disconnected from your ex, leaving a long-term relationship brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Sorting through them and getting yourself into a stable place where you're able to be fully available for another partner takes time.
3.You Haven't Learned Your Lessons Yet. Regardless of what you want to believe, you bear responsibility for your relationship failing. There are important lessons for all of us to learn from our failed relationships - about our partners and ourselves. Learning these and taking them to heart helps us to have more successful relationships in the future.
Sadly, most people rob themselves of the opportunity to learn and they most often do this is by dating when separated. If you don't take the time to learn from your failed relationship before jumping into a new one, you're very likely to repeat the same mistakes with the next person.
4. It's Emotion, Not Reason. Getting into a new relationship when you're separated is going to be more about emotion than reason. Your new relationship will be more like a fantasy vacation than a real, day-to-day relationship because you’re not full available yet.
And a lot of the time it's driven more by wanting to escape the old relationship, rather than really wanting to be in the new one. This is not good or fair for you and especially not for the person you begin dating.
5. The Odds Are Really High It Won't Last. Nearly all relationships that begin during a separation won't last. It doesn't have to do with you or your new partner, but just the timing.
You're starting on the wrong footing. I often counsel people with big relationship problems around trust and insecurity that originate from their relationship having begun before the previous one ended.
There are additional practical reasons that dating while separated is a generally a losing proposition because of how it can complicate:
Are all big considerations that complicate a new relationship even in the best of circumstances. If you’re in the process of separating, then these issues become a greater concern creating even bigger hurtles to overcome.
It can seem impossible to control your emotions and desires during a separation.
These all comprise a tangled mess of feelings common during the separation phase. Of course, these emotions often don’t stop the interest in creating a new love connection, but usually drive it even more.
If you really care about your new love interest, however, you'll force yourself to apply more reason than emotion to your decision about dating while separated.
You'll also make your decision about more than just what you want.
If the new person that you’re interested in dating is really the person you’re meant to be with, then waiting until you’re really ready won’t hurt things.
Truthfully, if they’re smart they’ll recognize that you need more time as well.
Let’s recap:
So, as you’re contemplating your new freedom and desire for a new partner remember to make decisions wisely because a lot of heartache is at stake when you date while separated.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 9, 2013, updated on May 8, 2018, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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You hit the nail on the proverbial head, only it is not just the legal but also the Financial end of this relationship that sucks! In my situation married 32 yrs. She leaves to go to a recently singled BF from 35 yrs. ago a "true love", like we weren't the romance was heavy basically my High school sweetheart married 10 yrs. later. any way we live in CA, our home is worth 1.8 M or more, if we file for divorce we must sell! If we separate we must sell to split the mortgage. The house as a rental represents over $2200 a month positive cash flow and my 3 adult kids are living there! High rents, in Bay Area, if sold they could be Homeless she has abandoned us has her job and custom H.O. in gated community! The only solution I see is fix up the home, after 32 years it's used if you know what I mean, hell I am a slightly used and abused husband, not divorced, not legally separated just not available in legal and financial terms, WTF do I do? That won't harm the kids and their inheritance and keep me from owing tons in taxes, I don't give a crap about her situation as she has an income and is still working and on the web kink sites is listed as 39, looks it and is really 60. I am retired fixed income and the rental would really help me cash flow wise. What do I do to date and have a relationship and get through this mess?
Paul, As you say, you're not divorced or even separated yet. And you're right - there are legal considerations as well. As the article says, dating isn't really a viable option yet. Consider seeking out professional counseling with a counselor that specializes in divorce counseling to navigate through this difficult time. -Kurt
Wow, I'm literally going through the same now. Thanks for the encouraging words. You're right stressing it is not helping! I don't know where he is now but kicked him out once I found out he was cheating after I relocated to be with him, gave up my job and incurred financial debt with a home. We've only been married one year and I guess deep down I hoped he would want to fix it, instead I haven't heard from him. I've been discarded, my heart is broken and dreams of our future crushed. Anyways thanks for sharing it helps to know I'm not alone and that life really does goes on! Looking forward to returning to ME!
Sweetheart he will do the same thing to her...meanwhile take care of you i know it hurts...and will for awhile.
I've been seeing a married man off and on for 4 years. He is on probation so has been locked up 3 times/rehab 1. He promises me the world during these times. She hates him, but does him like he does me when she is locked up. He gets out and is wonderful for a few months and then he leaves. EVERY holiday/birthday has been heart breaking. He's not worked but litte (unless he's w her). He blames me for him leaving because I've stressed on divorce or bills. He left me Xmas Eve & moved in with her parents (kids live there) & she gets out in 6 days. I finally went out with gus this time. .4 days after he left and now I'm the bad person. He used me...no if, ands, or buts. Right? Or did I push him away? Cause when it's good, I'm the happiest woman alive..Was that an act? How do I move on?
Sunshine, I can't condone a relationship with someone who is married to another. Moving on can be difficult and it just takes time. - Dr. Kurt
Hello I'v been married for 24 yrs. And found out on our vacation that my wife had contact with her first boyfriend. And decided to leave, but she turned everything around wanted me to move out. At first I thought ok do what ever she tells me. But then i woke up and said to myself I haven't done anything wrong so why should i move out. When i started to stand my ground more and more things game to light. She forgot and left her Facebook open and i was able to copy the content of thier conversation and see how she drugg me through the dirt. We are since September separated. But the hammer we do not live in the us, we live in germany and she has not seen him for the last 24yrs, But plans on visting him (she says no sex) in the next couple of days. The facebook protecal says something differnt. She plans on visiting eventhough we are still married which made me mad. But in Alabama they still have a adultery law.
I contacted the police to find out for myself. Wish them both the best. Cheaters we don't need . People be strong live goes on!!!