Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
5 Min Read
Contents
Are there dangers to dating while separated? You bet - and for both of you.
Relationships can get really complicated these days. With people marrying less and divorcing more, it's no wonder that dating while separated has become a commonplace and problematic issue for people.
It may seem like no big deal, I mean separated is nearly divorced, right?
Not exactly.
Dating while separated actually poses a number of potential problems.
I most often run into people dating while separated when they're separated themselves and involved with someone else who's separated too.
A more accurate term for 'separated' in most of these cases would really be 'separating,' since few of these people are actually through their divorces or have completely ended their previous relationships.
In some cases couples, because of children and other intricacies related to married life, are still deeply involved with their soon to be ex-spouses. Or, they’re in a trial separation and uncertain of where the relationship is truly headed.
One of the most common temptations people fall for when a relationship is ending is the desire to find a new love - and to do so right now!
Often these people have been unhappy and missing love, companionship, and sex for a long time, and so there's a real pent-up, unmet need for love.
The desire for these things is completely normal. And feeling urgency to find them when they’ve been denied to you for a long time is also normal. Those desires have to be tempered, however.
Moving too quickly into a new relationship is almost always a bad idea, and these relationships rarely last.
Since I counsel men and women before, during, and after a relationship or marriage, including through a divorce, I frequently see people dating when separated.
And with the prevalence of cheating, much of the time one partner has already begun a new relationship and the other partner is now seeking to get 'mine.’
This is not a good way to start a relationship. Relationships that begin out of desperation and without both people being emotionally healthy are going to bring a lot of additional problems into your life.
Once it's been decided by one or both partners to end the relationship, most typically both partners start seeking a new relationship.
Being separated and not dating is one of the hardest temptations to resist.
After all, you're free, right? Well, not really.
So what's the problem with dating while separated?
Here are 5 reasons why it's a bad idea and will only cause you (and your new love) a lot of heartache:
1.You're Not Really Available. If you're ending a marriage, obviously you're not legally available to remarry until the divorce is final, which can take quite a bit of time (more info about dating someone separated).
But when all relationships end, there's also a period of time that has to go by for the relationship to truly come to an end in other ways. You’ll have work to do mentally, emotionally, financially, and practically (living situations, legal issues, and friends) before you can honestly and fully put yourself out there.
2. You're Not Ready for a New Partner. Now note that I didn't say you don't 'want' a new partner. Almost everyone going through a separation does. But regardless of what you 'want,' you're not ready. No one is.
You probably don't realize it, but you're not going to be ready emotionally or mentally for quite some time. That can be hard to hear, but dating while separated interrupts the process of healing, growing, and becoming emotionally strong enough again to dedicate yourself to someone else.
Even if you feel emotionally disconnected from your ex, leaving a long-term relationship brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Sorting through them and getting yourself into a stable place where you're able to be fully available for another partner takes time.
3.You Haven't Learned Your Lessons Yet. Regardless of what you want to believe, you bear responsibility for your relationship failing. There are important lessons for all of us to learn from our failed relationships - about our partners and ourselves. Learning these and taking them to heart helps us to have more successful relationships in the future.
Sadly, most people rob themselves of the opportunity to learn and they most often do this is by dating when separated. If you don't take the time to learn from your failed relationship before jumping into a new one, you're very likely to repeat the same mistakes with the next person.
4. It's Emotion, Not Reason. Getting into a new relationship when you're separated is going to be more about emotion than reason. Your new relationship will be more like a fantasy vacation than a real, day-to-day relationship because you’re not full available yet.
And a lot of the time it's driven more by wanting to escape the old relationship, rather than really wanting to be in the new one. This is not good or fair for you and especially not for the person you begin dating.
5. The Odds Are Really High It Won't Last. Nearly all relationships that begin during a separation won't last. It doesn't have to do with you or your new partner, but just the timing.
You're starting on the wrong footing. I often counsel people with big relationship problems around trust and insecurity that originate from their relationship having begun before the previous one ended.
There are additional practical reasons that dating while separated is a generally a losing proposition because of how it can complicate:
Are all big considerations that complicate a new relationship even in the best of circumstances. If you’re in the process of separating, then these issues become a greater concern creating even bigger hurtles to overcome.
It can seem impossible to control your emotions and desires during a separation.
These all comprise a tangled mess of feelings common during the separation phase. Of course, these emotions often don’t stop the interest in creating a new love connection, but usually drive it even more.
If you really care about your new love interest, however, you'll force yourself to apply more reason than emotion to your decision about dating while separated.
You'll also make your decision about more than just what you want.
If the new person that you’re interested in dating is really the person you’re meant to be with, then waiting until you’re really ready won’t hurt things.
Truthfully, if they’re smart they’ll recognize that you need more time as well.
Let’s recap:
So, as you’re contemplating your new freedom and desire for a new partner remember to make decisions wisely because a lot of heartache is at stake when you date while separated.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 9, 2013, updated on May 8, 2018, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
© 2026 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
Great advice and thank you for writing the article. I think an important point should be made and included in the comments above - it is important to be honest and upfront about your status (separated) before time is spent with the person you meet. For the first time, I met someone who I thought was divorced however found out after 2.5 months that he was actually "separated" and in the process of finalizing his divorce. I have met all kinds of interesting people however I have never, ever met anyone who lied about their status. I have made it a policy to politely turn away from men who are separated for the simple reason that they are most likely not emotionally available. A physical and emotional investment is made when you spend quality time with someone and to find out that a lie was created only hurts the other person in the end. Normally I try to side with the other person and try to see things from their perspective. However, in this case, I am having a difficult time trying to figure out why someone would lie. Of course, this person became irrational and stated that he was not ready for a relationship after revealing his true status. If he had been clear about his situation when we first met, I would have known that immediately rather than spend time trying to get close to someone. I Absolutely frustrating.
Kurt,
Thanks for the articles. I am doing the long distance dating thing with someone who has been separated for over a yr. Pretty bad marriage and he is stonewalling the divorce efforts. He is paying for her attorney and perhaps that is also why things are not moving forward.
And...she will just go dark for a couple of weeks where I won't hear from her.
I assume this is all normal behavior for someone separated?
I am dating others but am hoping we can connect in a few months..hoping things will be better then.
Should I email her every few weeks to stay in touch?
thanks
Thanks Kurt so much for your article on dating while separated, it has been so helpful for me. My husband cheated on me constantly and had a year long affair we gave it one last shot for our 2 year old son and during that year it was very stressful. I left and made the silly mistake of dating like two months after separating. Even thought I was the one who left and was over it. 6 months into my separation I met an amazing man who pursued me, however I was so scared of falling for him I kept pushing him away then the tables turned and he needed space, anyways I just did not have the strength and was so scared to be vunerable that I ended it. Sometimes it is all about timing! I would most definitely recommend not dating anyone in the first year until everything is finalized. I feel heaps better and know that I need to be by myself before I try and be in a relationship especially after the trust issues I have. Thank you Kurt, regards Australia
JT, Thank you for the kind words and for sharing your story. Glad you found the article helpful. Best wishes - Dr. Kurt
Kurt,
I recently ended a relationship with someone separated. .she was going hot and cold and I suggested we connect after it is over.
will she need more time? should I keep in touch monthly as I fear cutting off all communication will make it harder for us to re connect.
Mike, Be careful that you're not the only one keeping the connection going. She can reach out too. Since she was the one who was hot and cold she can let you know if she wants to try again. -Dr. Kurt
Im not a true bible following christian but i believe it says in mathew the only grounds for divorce is adultery (only)! My wife and i are about to seperate after 24 of marriage I dont think theres been anyone else but its hard to know and believe someone who lies consisantly im going to wait anyway as it would only compilcate things either way it ends
Ian, Be careful about taking 1 Bible verse and using that to justify your actions. There are a lot more verses about God's purpose and rules for marriage. -Dr. Kurt
It seems to me that you are coming from a perspective of having prejudged this issue based on religious belief. I don't believe in your invisible friend and could not give the slightest damn about the rules he sets out.
My wife had an affair and left, continued the affair after she left, lied to my friends about a lot of things to try to make me look bad, and treated me with complete contempt after she left. She has also become a constant liar, and changed in other ways (including secretly taking up smoking, which would in itself be a deal-breaker).
Because of who she has become, there is now no way I would ever consider taking her back. There is not even the remotest shadow of a prospect of this ending in any way other than by the fastest divorce legally possible. If I could file for an at-fault divorce, I would have done so, and I have told her it is definitely divorce. But I have to wait for the paper divorce because the State will only allow divorce based on 'irreconcilable differences", which can be proven by (and only by) a 1 year separation.
The fact that I have to wait after what I have suffered is a further horrible act of cruelty by the State.
You seem to want to use the legal status of "married" to justify your position. I am a lawyer. Marriage is a contract. She repudiated that contract, by demonstrating that she did not intend to be bound by it. I have accepted that repudiation. Basic contract law says my obligations under the contract are at an end. The marriage and the obligations under it are most assuredly over, no matter that there has been no formal order of the court.
It is absolutely untrue to say that I am still married in any meaningful sense - there is literally nothing left of it, save that there is a missing piece of paper. I certainly do not owe her any fidelity. It is absolutely outrageous that you would suggest a mistreated, betrayed and abandoned spouse, where the cheater is still cheating and still demonstrates an intention to cheat, still owes fidelity to somebody who not only did not keep that while married, but continues not to offer it, when a final decision has been made to divorce.
Your suggestion that a betrayed spouse in this situation still owes fidelity to the cheater only serves to give power over the cheater and serve (and enable the cheater to serve) a serious ongoing indignity on the betrayed spouse who just wants the nightmare to be over. That attitude only serves up more harm to the victim.