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Know any narcissists? There’s a good chance you do, and chances are they’re probably men. Narcissism is a trait most frequently seen in men. In fact, because narcissistic men are somewhat common, most of us have at least a vague idea of what narcissistic behavior traits in men look like.
Men aren’t the only ones who display narcissistic behavioral traits though - women can too. Narcissistic mothers, for example, are one female version.
In fact, a young, engaged couple I was counseling this week is struggling mightily with his mother’s out-of-control narcissism and the impact she’s having on their wedding planning and currently “on-hold” marriage.
But while women certainly can be narcissistic, the majority of narcissists tend to be men, and their behavior can be very damaging not only to themselves, but particularly to those that love them.
This means that learning how to recognize the traits associated with narcissistic behavior is crucial.
Narcissistic behavior can be described as ‘It’s all about me’ syndrome.’
People who have narcissistic traits tend not to do anything that doesn’t somehow benefit them. Even seemingly altruistic behavior usually has the ulterior motive of making them look good or gaining something.
To illustrate this point, take a look at a social media post I wrote about recognizing narcissistic traits in someone you love.
As a counselor who specializes in working with men, I can give you some direct and actionable advice on how to spot narcissistic behavior traits in men.
The number one narcissistic behavior trait, in my experience, is,
Sound familiar?
Even things they’ve clearly and deliberately done are somehow your fault.
For instance, consider the man who has an affair and blames his wife.
If you had been better in bed, more loving, more interested, etc. I wouldn’t have had to turn to another woman.”
Or the man who verbally abuses his wife.
If you weren’t so stupid, we’d have a better life.”
There are additional traits that are also common to narcissistic men. These behaviors may manifest in different ways depending upon the skill of the narcissist, but they’re all almost always present.
Among them are,
Narcissistic men have an inflated sense of importance and surround themselves with people who feed that feeling.
They need to feel,
Men who relationship hop or change jobs regularly can be narcissists, and behave this way to feed their self-esteem and maintain a feeling of importance and value.
These men also typically exaggerate their accomplishments and abilities. It’s always the “my fish was bigger than your fish” story until the fish eventually becomes a whale.
Notice the theme in all these behaviors?
It’s some form of, ‘It’s all about me.’
Relationships with narcissistic men are notoriously unhealthy.
For a narcissist the relationship typically only has value if it’s making him look good or giving him someone to blame for his mistakes or inadequacies.
Of course, they don’t see it in those terms.
Instead, a narcissist will insist that his behavior is a form of love and rely on blaming you for any problems that exist.
Common symptoms of dealing with a narcissist, especially when you're in a relationship with one, is that you,
These symptoms result from a couple of the behavior traits listed in the ‘Narcissist’s Toolbox’ shown above.
One of the worst and more extreme results of being involved with a narcissist is experiencing abuse.
People with narcissistic traits often resort to being emotionally or verbally abusive in response to their own shortcomings. This can arise from their need to blame someone else in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
This doesn’t mean that all abusers are narcissists, but it’s not uncommon for narcissists to become abusers.
Do narcissists consciously act this way?
Yes and no.
Be careful not to try to analyze 'why' a person is a narcissist, because the reasons are often very psychologically complicated (read more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder). All you really have to understand is the damage these behaviors have on others and the narcissist themselves.
Narcissism is a tricky trait to spot right away. Many narcissists are charismatic and able to draw you into their world before you’ve had a chance to accurately evaluate their behavior and recognize the tale-tell narcissistic traits.
But generally, it doesn't take long for a narcissistic leopard to show his spots.
Remember,
If you recognize these narcissistic behavior traits in a man you love, or maybe even yourself, get some professional mental health counseling help. Narcissism isn't impossible to change, but it can be nearly impossible to bring about those changes on your own.
Looking over this list of narcissistic behaviors, do you recognize these in anyone you know? If so, please share your experience in the comments below so we all can benefit from learning about more signs of narcissism.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on January 18, 2014 updated on September 22, 2020 and updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My husband is Iranian. We have been together for 17 years and have 5 children. We have a business and he runs it, I am a housewife. He blames everything that goes wrong, on me. He's always right. When his family visits, he changes. He becomes really happy and when they leave, he is mean to me and the kids. He becomes controlling and strict. This was not my husband before his family moved closer. I feel his family controls him. He's a good man and was always loving, funny and happy. Now days he says very mean things to me and never is happy. He told me to hand over the credit cards and go get a job after his parents visited a few weeks ago. I am not a spender, he just wants to control the money. I feel I have nothing anymore that belongs to me. Is this a sign my marriage is over?
Hi Manda,
Hope your marriage the best. I'm dating an iranian man right now and in the beginning everything seemed so wonderful until his true narcissistic side came out. He became this bitter, angry, self obsessed man who always blames me for anything that goes wrong. If I even try to give my opinion he belittles me to the point I end up crying. I know I should get out but I'm also an empath so I feel stuck.
Manda, No, I wouldn't say this is a sign your marriage is over, but it is a sign that your marriage has problems. Get some counseling support with or without him. -Kurt
Rarely, if ever, can Narcissists be helped. Why? Because they can NEVER accept that they have a problem. Half the work is acknowledging you have a problem, they never will because it's always YOUR fault. If you're involved with a Narc, run, don't walk and get yourself help if you have any shred of mental health left in you! It only gets worse.
I've often wondered if he can change. I have moved out but because I work with him, it is difficult to stop talking to him. I have been sucked back in. He suggested counseling, which I will try.. because I am a sucker.
Christina, I wouldn't say going to counseling makes you a sucker - just someone who's willing to see if change is possible. However, he really needs to go to counseling by himself before you guys do couples counseling. So see if he'll go without you - then you'll have a better idea of how serious he is. -Dr. Kurt
Patti, You share some important points, so thank you for posting. I work with a lot of narcissists, and although you're correct that they make everything YOUR fault, as they learn to change they do begin to take responsibility. So I would disagree with they "NEVER accept they have a problem." Some do with professional help. -Kurt
I agree with Patti.... I am with a person like this as well and have been for 30 plus years.. It is always someone else's fault for his behavior, his not working, his not ..... you get the picture.. he's self employed and I used to help him in his business, he depended on me for everything. He could come and go as he pleased but I had to be there in case someone came into the shop or called, the phone was velcro'd to my butt. No Laughing out loud on this one.. I also noticed when we had kids, he took over becoming the father and mother role and shoved me to the wayside. I could go to work and he stayed home with the kids.. What is this??? I currently am in school to become a nurse and left the home and my kids because I cannot handle the stress, when the business was doing great.. "Oh, look at me.. I did this. What a great business." But when the business went sour and no work was coming in, it was my fault.. I need to get out there and make sales. I cant stand it anymore.. even my sister told me he still controls you even when your not living with him.. I am almost done with school and am thinking of divorce because I feel trapped when I there with him. It's been years of this behavior and I for one do not think a person can change this kind of personality trait. Dr. Jeckyll / Mr. Hyde... No fun living like that.. do not know from way day to the next how someone is going to act. Grandioso ideas, everyone else is a piece of ..... and he's better than everyone else.. He's also an alcoholic.
My husband married me because he felt "forced" into it by his command (military) because I got pregnant. I told him from the beginning that I would figure it out if he didn't want to be part of it from the beginning. He insisted that he loved me, and marrying was what he WANTED to do. Fast forward to four years later, after many drunken nights, fights, his multiple affairs (that were MY FAULT because I don't do this, and I'm not a "career" woman), a girlfriend that he was planning on divorcing me for and running away with, he decides to tell me he resents me, and always has. I planned on divorcing him when I found out that he was lying, when I knew in my gut that slept with this woman, and he begged me not to. He would do whatever it takes to change, blah blah blah. I'm a stay at home mom, because he wanted me to be. I'm a step-mom to his 12 year old daughter who lives with us full-time, and our almost 3 year old. The whole reason his daughter lives with us is because I stay home, and I'm here to raise her. But, I'm also the reason he's financially unstable. And I got into some legal trouble recently, because of my drinking, and I quit drinking and I'm helping him make money anyway possible. I want to leave him, but I literally can't because of the legal issues. Welcome to full-blown narcissism. One minute he's professing his undying love, the next he is blaming me for his boring, broke life. For lack of a better statement, this sucks.