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Know any narcissists? There’s a good chance you do, and chances are they’re probably men. Narcissism is a trait most frequently seen in men. In fact, because narcissistic men are somewhat common, most of us have at least a vague idea of what narcissistic behavior traits in men look like.
Men aren’t the only ones who display narcissistic behavioral traits though - women can too. Narcissistic mothers, for example, are one female version.
In fact, a young, engaged couple I was counseling this week is struggling mightily with his mother’s out-of-control narcissism and the impact she’s having on their wedding planning and currently “on-hold” marriage.
But while women certainly can be narcissistic, the majority of narcissists tend to be men, and their behavior can be very damaging not only to themselves, but particularly to those that love them.
This means that learning how to recognize the traits associated with narcissistic behavior is crucial.
Narcissistic behavior can be described as ‘It’s all about me’ syndrome.’
People who have narcissistic traits tend not to do anything that doesn’t somehow benefit them. Even seemingly altruistic behavior usually has the ulterior motive of making them look good or gaining something.
To illustrate this point, take a look at a social media post I wrote about recognizing narcissistic traits in someone you love.
As a counselor who specializes in working with men, I can give you some direct and actionable advice on how to spot narcissistic behavior traits in men.
The number one narcissistic behavior trait, in my experience, is,
Sound familiar?
Even things they’ve clearly and deliberately done are somehow your fault.
For instance, consider the man who has an affair and blames his wife.
If you had been better in bed, more loving, more interested, etc. I wouldn’t have had to turn to another woman.”
Or the man who verbally abuses his wife.
If you weren’t so stupid, we’d have a better life.”
There are additional traits that are also common to narcissistic men. These behaviors may manifest in different ways depending upon the skill of the narcissist, but they’re all almost always present.
Among them are,
Narcissistic men have an inflated sense of importance and surround themselves with people who feed that feeling.
They need to feel,
Men who relationship hop or change jobs regularly can be narcissists, and behave this way to feed their self-esteem and maintain a feeling of importance and value.
These men also typically exaggerate their accomplishments and abilities. It’s always the “my fish was bigger than your fish” story until the fish eventually becomes a whale.
Notice the theme in all these behaviors?
It’s some form of, ‘It’s all about me.’
Relationships with narcissistic men are notoriously unhealthy.
For a narcissist the relationship typically only has value if it’s making him look good or giving him someone to blame for his mistakes or inadequacies.
Of course, they don’t see it in those terms.
Instead, a narcissist will insist that his behavior is a form of love and rely on blaming you for any problems that exist.
Common symptoms of dealing with a narcissist, especially when you're in a relationship with one, is that you,
These symptoms result from a couple of the behavior traits listed in the ‘Narcissist’s Toolbox’ shown above.
One of the worst and more extreme results of being involved with a narcissist is experiencing abuse.
People with narcissistic traits often resort to being emotionally or verbally abusive in response to their own shortcomings. This can arise from their need to blame someone else in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
This doesn’t mean that all abusers are narcissists, but it’s not uncommon for narcissists to become abusers.
Do narcissists consciously act this way?
Yes and no.
Be careful not to try to analyze 'why' a person is a narcissist, because the reasons are often very psychologically complicated (read more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder). All you really have to understand is the damage these behaviors have on others and the narcissist themselves.
Narcissism is a tricky trait to spot right away. Many narcissists are charismatic and able to draw you into their world before you’ve had a chance to accurately evaluate their behavior and recognize the tale-tell narcissistic traits.
But generally, it doesn't take long for a narcissistic leopard to show his spots.
Remember,
If you recognize these narcissistic behavior traits in a man you love, or maybe even yourself, get some professional mental health counseling help. Narcissism isn't impossible to change, but it can be nearly impossible to bring about those changes on your own.
Looking over this list of narcissistic behaviors, do you recognize these in anyone you know? If so, please share your experience in the comments below so we all can benefit from learning about more signs of narcissism.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on January 18, 2014 updated on September 22, 2020 and updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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You forgot, in your list, to put down
turning on the charm just enough to keep his victim hooked. This is one of the most insidious things a narcissist does and one of the most confusing. It kept me in a relationship for almost 25 years. The best description I ever read of narcissism pointed out that, much like the six-year-old they resemble, narcissists can be very lovable about 50% of the time. It's the other 50% that's hell.
Yes, they turn on the charm and can hook you over and over. I'm lucky that I refused to bend on some issues and my narcissist decide he wasn't going to win with me. But his daughters and exes (numerous) contacted me to tell me I was just his latest victim and not to take it personally. It's jus the way he is.
I have know one for 42 years and worked with him for 30 years and new he was a little strange, but never put a name to him. I have to say I am afraid of him. I have seen him destroy people, families lives. He starts a fire and he is no where near the flame. He just sets back and lets it fester, and if the fire starts to go out he throws a little gas on it. People need to know who this people are, so they can stay clear of them. I could not stress more concern for the victims. I am afraid for them.
I was in a relationship for over 4 yrs w/a man who is attractive, successful + charming. Over time I too began to feel ineffective, weak, and confused. It took some pretty outrageous behavior on his part for me to end the relationship. Run, don't walk away from this. There are experts who can help you regain your sense of self. He won't change. It's not you.
I was married for 40 years. Your dialoge is a mirror image of mine. I am successful and have always had a good job, which didn't help really I would get a raise and he would spend it secretly saving his own money. I thought if I gave him every thing he would love me see my worth. He isolated me from family, because he said he didn't like my family. I would go to family things without him and make excuses for him not being there. I never told anyone anything about what was going on . as you I wanted family to like him after all he was my husband, I chose him, I married for life so deal with it. I had 2 girls and yes when they got bigger they were good friends where he had them criticizing, saying your Mom doesn't know anything. Even parking in drive way I couldn't do that right I wasn't parked straight my tires were 6 inches over the cement line, what's wrong with you can't even park a car . When the girls got older he turned against them too criticizing everything they did. They are older now very successful women but are attracted to same type of man, but they recognize that. He had girl friends all along, I rationalized that I was the one he came home to and slept with. He took me to Costa Rica for 30th wedding anniversary. We got there very romantic place, bungalow had 2 single beds. I said OH couldn't you get a king bed? He told me I was fat and disgusting WHY would I want to sleep with you. The whole thing was for show. Look what I gave my wife. Then next mo. he told me you owe me 5000$ for costa rica trip, to pay credit card to 0$ LEAVE LEAVE God will take care of you, your family will help .You will feel such a relief when it is final . You have lived so long that you believe what he says.
I'm in a similar situation. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and we have a 1year old daughter. Everything is my fault. He blames me or family members for his financial situation. I'm home with the baby and I never have money. He gives me $ for bills but that's all. He lies to people about what he does all the time. Everyone thinks he is so nice. (I think) Oh and we share a house with his parents, he always makes sure to look good for them and cares about what makes his mother happy instead of me. I'm scared to leave but I know I should
I got myself involved with a NPD person. It was during a time that I was in a bad situation with my current marriage and he kept approaching me on Facebook. I noticed him posting but didn't know him. Eventually we started talking on instant messenger. He said all the right things in the right way. We eventually started a relationship. The first few months it was completely magical. I was so head over heels in love and seriously considering leaving the marriage for good. Then the lies, the confusion, the discrepancies and weird feelings started coming. I started asking questions. I was told, I'm crazy and if the relationship ends it'll be my fault and not his. The strange "clients" became more frequent. "Neices" and "cousins" were more frequent visitors. Then the distance. The flat out lies that I'm doing something to him. The STD. Not once but twice. The accusations that I was the one that gave it to him. I'm the one cheating, I mean after all, I'm the married one thinking about leaving my husband why should I be trusted. It just got worse, until I was feeling sick to my stomach. Calls would come in middle of the night while I'm home. Begging to see me then, the great disappearance act. No calls, not text, nothing. Weeks later, a random hey boo. How are you and can you come get me, I really need to see you. I show up to the location. Nobody there. I ask, why did you ask me to come, I'm told what you talking about, I can go where I want when I want. I'm the single one. It just got worse. I would cry. He would tell me I'm being dramatic. Take that behavior home to my husband. I was worn down. I felt like I didn't exist. My husband was looking at me like what is wrong with you. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Until someone finally said, are you involved with an NPD. That's when I began my research and empowered myself. No I'm NC for two months. I still get that random text, WYD. I refuse to respond. The marriage is healing and we are working on it. Hubby still does not know about the permanent STD.
Desi, I in no way can condone an extra-marital affair, so obviously you should stop all contact with the man and not worry about his NPD. You really need to consider telling your husband about your STD, however, so that he can talk to his own doctor about it. Most likely he will find out anyway, and it would be better to tell him yourself sooner rather than later. -Kurt
Sorry not sure I would tell my husband that when I married he never told me he had facial herpes so I learned not to tell him anything he said men hardly ever catch std's harder for them I believe some strains have mutated so it's different know