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Know any narcissists? There’s a good chance you do, and chances are they’re probably men. Narcissism is a trait most frequently seen in men. In fact, because narcissistic men are somewhat common, most of us have at least a vague idea of what narcissistic behavior traits in men look like.
Men aren’t the only ones who display narcissistic behavioral traits though - women can too. Narcissistic mothers, for example, are one female version.
In fact, a young, engaged couple I was counseling this week is struggling mightily with his mother’s out-of-control narcissism and the impact she’s having on their wedding planning and currently “on-hold” marriage.
But while women certainly can be narcissistic, the majority of narcissists tend to be men, and their behavior can be very damaging not only to themselves, but particularly to those that love them.
This means that learning how to recognize the traits associated with narcissistic behavior is crucial.
Narcissistic behavior can be described as ‘It’s all about me’ syndrome.’
People who have narcissistic traits tend not to do anything that doesn’t somehow benefit them. Even seemingly altruistic behavior usually has the ulterior motive of making them look good or gaining something.
To illustrate this point, take a look at a social media post I wrote about recognizing narcissistic traits in someone you love.
As a counselor who specializes in working with men, I can give you some direct and actionable advice on how to spot narcissistic behavior traits in men.
The number one narcissistic behavior trait, in my experience, is,
Sound familiar?
Even things they’ve clearly and deliberately done are somehow your fault.
For instance, consider the man who has an affair and blames his wife.
If you had been better in bed, more loving, more interested, etc. I wouldn’t have had to turn to another woman.”
Or the man who verbally abuses his wife.
If you weren’t so stupid, we’d have a better life.”
There are additional traits that are also common to narcissistic men. These behaviors may manifest in different ways depending upon the skill of the narcissist, but they’re all almost always present.
Among them are,
Narcissistic men have an inflated sense of importance and surround themselves with people who feed that feeling.
They need to feel,
Men who relationship hop or change jobs regularly can be narcissists, and behave this way to feed their self-esteem and maintain a feeling of importance and value.
These men also typically exaggerate their accomplishments and abilities. It’s always the “my fish was bigger than your fish” story until the fish eventually becomes a whale.
Notice the theme in all these behaviors?
It’s some form of, ‘It’s all about me.’
Relationships with narcissistic men are notoriously unhealthy.
For a narcissist the relationship typically only has value if it’s making him look good or giving him someone to blame for his mistakes or inadequacies.
Of course, they don’t see it in those terms.
Instead, a narcissist will insist that his behavior is a form of love and rely on blaming you for any problems that exist.
Common symptoms of dealing with a narcissist, especially when you're in a relationship with one, is that you,
These symptoms result from a couple of the behavior traits listed in the ‘Narcissist’s Toolbox’ shown above.
One of the worst and more extreme results of being involved with a narcissist is experiencing abuse.
People with narcissistic traits often resort to being emotionally or verbally abusive in response to their own shortcomings. This can arise from their need to blame someone else in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
This doesn’t mean that all abusers are narcissists, but it’s not uncommon for narcissists to become abusers.
Do narcissists consciously act this way?
Yes and no.
Be careful not to try to analyze 'why' a person is a narcissist, because the reasons are often very psychologically complicated (read more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder). All you really have to understand is the damage these behaviors have on others and the narcissist themselves.
Narcissism is a tricky trait to spot right away. Many narcissists are charismatic and able to draw you into their world before you’ve had a chance to accurately evaluate their behavior and recognize the tale-tell narcissistic traits.
But generally, it doesn't take long for a narcissistic leopard to show his spots.
Remember,
If you recognize these narcissistic behavior traits in a man you love, or maybe even yourself, get some professional mental health counseling help. Narcissism isn't impossible to change, but it can be nearly impossible to bring about those changes on your own.
Looking over this list of narcissistic behaviors, do you recognize these in anyone you know? If so, please share your experience in the comments below so we all can benefit from learning about more signs of narcissism.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on January 18, 2014 updated on September 22, 2020 and updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My 48yr old son has been turning blame on me since his teens. I have acute bi polar developed in my 40s, and Professors have been unable to help very much with treatment. My bi polar is a short cycle of up and down.Is the narcisstic illness a mental illness but very different to my depression. He will not seek help because it's all my fault. He has manipulated his sister with lies over yrs and now she thinks he is correct about what a dreadful person I am. I have always been open about my illness and keep hoping something will be available one day. Maybe the magic mushroom research recently in the news from U.K. although I am running out of time. My son is very intelligent and is very successful in his career. He has been called a control freak by numerous girlfriends over the yrs they have told me how devious he can be. He comes across as a charming person. He was such a gorgeous little boy. I realise I am not perfect but I do try to do the best I can in my circumstances.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read other people's dilemmas.
in those comments mainly men. It is so true how you blame yourself and how much it takes out of you and in my case my husband who recently passed away.
He was such a kind and caring person but towards the end of his life was devastated by not only what our son had done to me, but in latter years what he did to my Husband who was taken for a ride by his charm and promises when my son needed money. He never paid any back and it was a substantial amount.
He has written letters to my legal team. Spoke with doctors and on and on it's goes. One professional person didn't give me the letter but said the gist of it was that I should be taken to a facility where severely mental people are placed and not to believe me because I was a compulsive liar. He should take over all the business now his Father has died.
The thing that hurts the most is that that my husband (of 3 years)has no remorse for the things he has done. I invested every bit of money I had into one of his dairy farms then all of his dairy farms went into receivership and I lost it my money. He has shown absolutely NO remorse whatsoever. He has destroyed my life in so many ways and he won't take any responsibility. My parents invested their retirement money into his farm and they lost their money too. My family blamed me too so now I have no money and no family. My life sucks but I am working on getting it back again. I am planning to leave him I just need to tick off a few boxes and get things organized for myself and my 6 year old son before I do leave him. Thanks a lot Denise
My husband was diagnosed as a narcissist in his 20s. He is now in his 60s. I often feel like I am the one who needs support and help. One of the things that he does when he is being manipulative is that he withholds information from me. He won’t tell me things that I need to know to even plan my day. Once when I was traveling for work and called home,, he refused to let me talk to our then young daughters. Withholding information is an extremely disgusting form of manipulation. When ever we argue, I ALWAYS have to be the one to apologize, hug him and say I’m sorry or the argument never ends and escalates to a point of abusive behavior. Consider adding withholding information from others as a sign of Narcissism.
I have a boyfriend who is a narcissists. Everything I have read is him. Example the other day he text me and ask me if I wanted to go to Home Depot with him. I text back yes, and to get something to eat as well. this was around 2:45 pm, at 4:12 pm he text U hungry Wut u tryna eat. I text back I said that at 2:45pm. He states you didn't grab you sumtin before I left it I wasn't in a rush. Mind you he is driving my car and we do not live together, so I go to his house everyday for the past 3 weeks so he can use my car. anyways Then he states I was playing the game u find anything to trip about. then I text back here we go with this s--t again. I wasnt' tripping, man whatever. then he text back ok baby. Then I text back your selfish. And then he says I asked u what u had to do or wanted to u said u had nothing to do stop with da bulls--t. I then stated I didn't have anything to do. You just text me and ask me at 245 when you get back did I want to go to home depot with you when you get back. I stated yes and to go get something to eat. At 412 you ask me was I hungry. I said yes, I'm tired of your narcissistic a-- ways. Then he's nice for the rest of the day. WOW He has also accused me of getting a ride after work from someone I put a VPO on. I didn't even know this person was parked at my work location. Told me to find a ride back and fourth to work and blocked me for a week on his phone. I'm always here for him and he treats me like this.
This is my aha moment of why my life has been the worst struggle since my husband and I reconnected 10 years ago. At the beginning of our relationship I had a huge retirement account, excellent self esteem and I was happy. Now ten years later I'm struggling financially, yet somehow my husband who landed in my life unemployed now has a better credit score, and can and does shop till he drops. Our first reunion my husband had an ED episode (we dated for 2 years, and then broke up for 20 years) he made a declaration the sex was really important to a relationship and it mattered to him, that was the last time HE ever initiated a discussion about sex or our relationship. Over the next 3 years while we dated we qualified as a sexless relationship, less than 5x a year. Initially it was because of being out of work. Until I walked in on his porn sessions, later when he started working it was my kids stressed him out, now I dont even know why but I quit caring a long time ago...the third time I caught him lying about porn I spent 2 years close to suicidal.....I didn't want to actively kill myself but I couldn't look in a mirror without feeling so less than
My husband told me a detail about his college girlfriend then later in another story it completely contradicted his first story when I called it out he sheepishly chuckled and said he must have wished the story was the truth
The first couple of years if I tried to calmly initiate a discussion about our relationship he would go zero to sixty and become totally agitated it threw me off so much it took a while to address it, and he did have to quit that tactic. if my adult son comes over and we are in another room I have been incessantly accused of "Whisper talking " and he says we are talking about him, he is super paranoid about that.
He and my son did not get off to a good start, now I REALLY know why, but in an attempt to improve my son (Who lost his dad to cancer when he was only ten) wrote my husband a six page apology letter Craig took the letter, read it later and never acknowledged it with my son. He has made our house so hostile my kids won't visit, he will eviscerate the poor server if we are out and he doesn't like his food...
Wow I feel hopeful I have a better handle on what I'm dealing with the final blow was finding a hookup website on his phone,in December I'm am planning my exit, he has gutted my life so I'm crafting an exit strategy that doesn't leave me homeless