Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
We all can say things that hurt someone else. Intentional or by accident, it's easy for our words to hurt. But when there's a pattern of hurtful words within a relationship, especially in a marriage, it's time to start thinking about how to deal with verbal abuse in marriage.
Sadly, verbal abuse in marriage isn't that uncommon. A man I was counseling yesterday was describing the mean, cruel, hurtful words his wife regularly says to him. And, unfortunately, he does the same back to her.
Anyone can spot verbal abuse in a marriage if they know what to look for, but when you're in the middle of such a relationship it can be much harder to see. In abusive relationships the hurt gets twisted around and mixed up with love. And the unloving words aren't seen for what they really are -- unloving.
Let's begin to learn how to deal with verbal abuse in marriage by taking a look at this post from our social media page asking, is love supposed to hurt?
The husband and wife I described above ridicule, humiliate, and put each other down over past events, their sexual relationship (even prior sexual partners), and the kind of person they think the other one is (learn more examples of verbal abuse). They claim to love each other, but their words often don't prove it. There's clearly is a marriage with verbal abuse. Is your relationship verbally abusive?
Here are a couple of important truths about love and relationships from this Google+ post:
Love is NOT supposed to hurt us, at least someone who says they love us is not supposed to hurt us, not intentionally, not repeatedly, not without stopping or learning to change. . .
Love can make us crazy. Crazy enough to mix up love and hurt. It's crazy to love someone who hurts us. It's even crazier to believe the lies that they're sorry when they do it again and again, that they don't mean it, that it's our fault . . ."
So how do we allow ourselves to get love and hurt so mixed-up?
The answer to 'why' we do this is much more complicated. And fortunately you don't have to know the answers to 'why' to get the first and most important part right -- it's crazy to think that someone who hurts you, loves you.
If you want to know how to deal with verbal abuse in marriage, you need to start here: repeat this mantra to yourself several times every day, and especially after your partner hurts you with their words -- "It's crazy to think that someone who hurts you, loves you."
Until you accept this truth to the point that you have the courage to change yourself and your life, nothing else really matters. How to deal with verbal abuse in marriage is the same as what to do when you're stuck in quicksand -- you need the help of someone else to get out. When you're really ready to change, get the help of a relationship expert to learn how (P.S. - It will be one of the best decisions you ever make. Trust me - I know).
Did this post help you? Could it help someone you know? Feel free to pass it along. You can read more about abusive relationships in the drop down list at the tip of this page. You can also get notified each time there's new post by signing-up at the bottom as well, or follow me on Facebook or Twitter where I post weekly relationship and self-improvement tips just like this.
Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and not always a bad one. It can nudge us to do better, apologize when we’re wrong, and keep us from being deceptive. But when guilt is used as a tool to control or shame someone, or to maintain the upper hand in a relationship, it becomes dangerous and detrimental to emotional health.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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Social media, for a long time was something I just didn't get. Something to keep boredom at bay. Lately though, especially with Google+ I have discovered some really useful ways this type of communication can channel some real differences in a person's life. This site is most certainly one of the most positive life-changing ways to help people.Thank you for this!
Roger, I didn't get social media for a long time either. I've found Google+ to be very engaging with people of similar interests and I try to add quality with my stream of posts. Glad to hear you find them so helpful. -Kurt
i divorced my physically abusive husband 8 yrs ago with no contact. 1 yr ago he talked me into dinner and that was it. now im being physically and mentally abusived worse. He sold my car. i have no phone. he tells me im nobody and i dont know how to do anything im ugly. he tells me to leave even though i have way or anywhere to go. he kicks me he pulls my hair he spits on me on a daily basis. however when we go to bed its totally different. he tells people that im on drugs. I cant seem to help my self. im scared he is going to hurt me really bad one day.
Stacey, You need to talk to a professional to get some advice on how to protect yourself. You can call this number 24/7 -- 1-800-799-7233. -Kurt
I love my husband more then anything in the world. Hes early thirties and im in my late twenties. Our relationship/marriage was great first few years. But as years went on, he started becoming verbally abusive. Im always wrong, im the one who always needs to change, picks me apart, tells me im crazy, blames me for everything. Has left me several times. Hes currently done it yet again. But then tells me he loves me. Wtf? Ive put in so much effort while he puts in at most a smidge. But usually nothing...most times he gets worse when I've done all the things he said I needed to change. I dont recognize the person I fell in love with and married. But then there will be the occasional evening or day that he is his old self again. So just enough to basically give me hope. By next day, he's back to being that cruel selfish person. He keeps all the money/banking secret now. Changes all his passwords. Has our one car leaving me with none. Hes got a phone while I dont. Hes always telling me hes concentrating on work to make more money so "we" can have a better future. But thata not the case. I seem to loose more and more while he gains. Everything I've found out, yea without him telling me. Shows hes only planning n doing things that Better himself not us. I dont understand any of it. Its like im married to two different people. He will go from "this is why I dont wanna be with you, you expect everyone to take care of u, (newest super hurtful one) its not worth all the effort I have to put in". The last one he said because I caught him jerking off in the middle of the night laying next to me in bed. Wtf? Effort? Really. All ive ever asked is for him to treat me like a decent human being like he seems to do for everyone else. But then the days hes being his old self. Its "you know I dont mean stuff like that I say. I just say it when im mad or angry but I never mean those things. U should know that." Then goes on to say he loves me n is nice. But never fails by next day hes back to breaking me down again. The thing is, im such a strong person and never would ever put up with any BS from anyone before. But, before we married I told him I beleive when we get married, its forever..not until sh*t gets hard and easy way is to divorce. No, I work through it together. He agreed n beleived n same thing. But his actions n words now r lot different. He sure loves me when im making more money then he does n busting my butt. As soon as we sold the business I worked so hard for, and built from ground up with nothing and no loans. Sold it so we could focus on his business which he made sure i wouldn't own any part of it, but mine we were both owners. Because we are married and its ours. Thats least what I believe n what he use to until I got worse (tumors. Health) . I still bus my butt but if I am recovering from crap loads of surgeries and cant work as much and need him to step up. Then its "his" money. Money he worked for. Its all his. Right now I cant afford health insurance and refuse to do the bs Obama care, my symptoms and tumors have grown extremely rapidly and multiplied . He says hes use to me not feeling well and its normal now. So he doesnt take it seriously. He isnt being the husband he was from start or hes suppose to be. Im not asking to be waited on Hand and foot. Im asking for respect, compassion, and if u love me...treat me like it. He refuses to communicate. At this point idk what else to do. I dont wanna divorce. But if he doesnt do anything to change this....idk. I need help with this at this point. Ita so hard to find a goos marriage counseler for our age that would understand. I dont wanna be judge by them too. But im tired of being hurt all the time and most of all....being so lonely.
Oh Dee, I can't thank you enough for sharing your story with us. I can relate to 95% of what you are experiencing. Really the only difference is I live in Canada so I have free health care, the doctors are still trying to figure out everything that has gone sideways with my health over the last few years. Also I am 46 with 3 teenagers, my 2 girls tell me my husband is abusive but when my step daughter is upset with me she will turn around and treat me the same way the father does.
I wish you nothing but the best with your health and your situation, I am a firm believer that stress greatly contributes to the decline of our health. I think we would both get a little healthier if we got out of our negative situations but where the heck are we supposed to go when they have taken control of our money.