Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
5 Min Read
Contents
When marriages fall apart, it's pretty typical that one partner wants to end it and the other does not. The partner wanting to save the marriage then gets stuck (literally) struggling with how to know when your marriage is really over.
Knowing when a marriage is truly over is very difficult. And it’s a decision that should never be taken lightly.
You very likely didn’t get married overnight and you certainly shouldn’t decide to end things that quickly.
So, how do you know when the relationship is really done?
Unfortunately, there isn't a formula or a checklist to follow to get this answer. There are, however, some important considerations that can help you feel more comfortable with your choice.
Helping men and women decide whether to fight for their marriage or let their partner go is one of the things I do every day. It’s one of the benefits of marriage counseling, which is something I believe all couples should do before divorcing.
Why?
Because recognizing when a marriage is truly over is very tricky.
To illustrate what I mean, take a look at a note I received from a wife in just such a situation:
My husband and I have been together for 32 years, 27 years married with two boys, one 18 and one 23. He recently told me that he wants a divorce to find romantic love. He says he wished he loved me, but never did, because it would make it easier than getting a divorce. He said he respects me and will provide for me financially, but he wants to be married to someone with whom he has a ‘spark.’ He doesn't want to die without finding romantic love. He has been an excellent provider and good for our boys. He told me that he likes me, but never loved me. He told me that it is selfish of him to go for the divorce, but he needs that ‘spark’ in his life. Please advise. I am very confused. Should I fight for him or let him go? I do love him very much." -Shelley D.
Shelley's in a really tough spot.
The decision to fight for him or let him go depends a lot on whether she thinks her marriage can be saved. She’ll also need to determine what fighting for him actually looks like.
People often wonder if there’s a 'moment' when you know your marriage is over.
For some there may be, but it’s not a moment out of the blue – it’s a moment at the end of many other frustrating, sad moments, when one partner says, “I can’t do this anymore.”
The truth in Shelley’s case is that the "spark" her husband is looking for from another woman can disappear from any relationship if we stop nurturing it. But for many couples the “spark” isn’t actually gone for good – just covered over by all those sad, frustrating moments.
Many people mistakenly interpret the "spark" being gone as a sign the marriage is over, but that doesn't have to be the case.
The "spark" isn't just automatically there or not. It can be there at the beginning, fade, and come back again.
So, when it ebbs and flows, fades or even disappears, as it does in almost every relationship, it doesn't have to mean the relationship is over.
Relationships change over time. And as the saying goes, life happens.
Our focus goes to the practical parts of life that need to be handled,
These are big factors for nearly everyone, and life can become so overwhelmingly busy that there’s little time for other things – including maintaining the “spark.”
Over time, the day-to-day takes its toll on all relationships.
Once we forget about taking care of our relationship and putting time into keeping it strong and healthy, it creates opportunity for cracks to form.
Simply put, many of us take our relationship for granted and expect it to always feel the way it did in the beginning. When that doesn’t happen and we grow apart from our spouse, we often jump to, "It’s over – the spark is gone."
Another term people use rather than “spark” is feeling “in-love.”
It’s very common for people to also assume that when that “in-love” feeling is gone the relationship is over. However, just the like the spark, when the love fades it doesn’t automatically mean the marriage is over.
Determining when a marriage is over is much more complicated. There are many other things to consider before actually calling it quits.
Wives who are in Shelley's shoes not only want to know if their marriage is truly over, but also 'why.’
I'm often asked in situations like this -- Are these symptoms of a midlife crisis?
It's certainly possible, midlife crisis divorces do happen (and more frequently than necessary), but I can't say for sure for Sheila’s husband without more information.
So, what should Shelley do in response to her husband wanting out?
Here are a few things that can make a difference.
The truth is that many marriages go through times when one partner or the other wonders if things might be over. What helps some last where others fail is the ability to communicate and look at the bigger picture.
The moment you’re wondering if you should stay or go should be followed by many moments taking stock of your relationship, your lives together, and talking – seriously talking.
Ending a marriage should never be done in haste. Anger, frustration, and a desire to feel the way you did at the beginning, can cloud the judgement for many partners and lead to divorces that are often regretted later.
Before you decide your relationship is really over, remember the following things:
I've seen many men like Shelley's husband change their mind about ending their marriage. The true answer about how to know when your marriage is really over comes over time and is found through actions, not just feelings and words.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on July 17, 2014 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
© 2026 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
In October my husband of almost 1 yr, January 26, and together 6 yrs walked out with no warning. He said he was unhappy and didnt love me anymore and wanted to be away from me. He never handles emotions well and I thought this was oone of those instances. Normally dedicated, loving, sweet he has became cruel,mean, and irrational since the day he left. Like a switch was flipped. He is an amazing stepfather to my son and helped raise him. He has not had contact with him since.. He deposits his entire paycheck into our account and keeps nothing for himself, he continuously ignores me, blocks me, and refuses to see me. (Only 4x since October) . I feel like he is going through something and purposely pushing me away.. instead of opening up. I have been extremely depressed and have battled it for years. Before he left things were great, he just was working alot and i felt like we needed more time so I was a little down. He says I didnt show enough affection. I love him with all my heart and it seems every day he is worse.. Hes miserable living like a bum on a friends couch, left his car here, and has no money.he has gained weight and been failing at work. All things not in his character. If he didnt love me why is he giving me the money and punishing himself and going without? Shouldnt he be happier if hes left? He always unblocks me and says things like the love i had for u is gone cause of several reasons, but then hell complain he has nothing not even me. I have told him divorce isnt an option and he never even filed anything. I dont know why hes trying to get me to hate him and why he wont talk. We went to counseling and the therapist has history with us from counseling prior to marriage and she couldnt believe the change for negative in him. Hes normally the positive one and me negative.. but he wont give any clear answers just that hes doesnt love me. Yet its confusing cause his actions show he does. I dont know what to do.. i feel like i need to support him but he wont let me and Im scared im losing him the longer he stays away. Is this how men usually deal and am I pressuring him too much?
Misty, I am sorry to hear about your situation. There is no formula for the way men (or women) behave, each circumstance is different. It does sound, however, like your husband is going through something difficult and could likely use some help. Without talking to him I am not able to offer specific advice other than counseling is probably a good idea. If your current therapist isn't working look for a new, qualified and professional counselor. -Dr. Kurt
Thank you Dr Kurt, I appreciate your input. I have tried to get him to get help but he is refusing and saying nothing is wrong, however, instead of coming home he has slept in his vehicle when he has nowhere to go and to me that is so odd.Its like he is punishing himself and I dont know if Im approaching it wrong, but I dont know what to say to him and feel like he is thinking hes not good enough even though he is constantly encouraged. I feel like if I back off completely he will get worse.
Hello,
3 or so years ago, I heard "I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I only see you as a friend and I want to experience being with other women." I was devastated. We separated for a few months, and he even went out looking for other women unsuccessfully, but eventually changed his mind and came back to the marriage, even though he never actually moved out. We tried to make it work, but that emotional connection and intimacy never came back. I tried. I communicated this to him, but he never wanted to talk about the marriage and seemed to shut down or get irritated by conversations like these. Eventually, I distanced myself and stopped talking about it to avoid getting him upset. Recently, I asked him if he still wanted to be with other women and he said yes. So here we are again, separated, but this time we've already talked about divorce and moving on. Porn addiction had been a big issue in our marriage. We've been together 20 years and it's painful. At times I even get mixed messages. But how long can a wife hold on when she's not her husband's choice. Whenever counseling or self help was mentioned, I would hear, "I can't change. This is just who I am." He's such a good man, never cheated...just broken. But now so am I. I already know what's probably best even though I'm broken-hearted, but I'm interested in some feedback. Thanks for reading.
Any feedback, Dr. Kurt? Thanks! 🙂
Me and my husband have been together for 28 years married 23 out of the blue after an argument he said he didn't love me and wanted out. My world crumbled but only now could I see why. Family life and our 3 sons had been a big strain, content arguing in the house, but also I had been drinking at weekends and would get verbally abusive. He couldn't deal with all of this and our the past year stopped loving me. This reality check made me see what I had done and I have now weekend help to correct my issues. He moved out for 3 days then came back saying he would give it another go only for me to find out 2 days later he had been texting and exchanging photo with a female college. Deviated I told him to go stay away for a week and see where your head is at. He came back 4 days later saying he wanted to see if the bigger picture could get better and then see if he could find what we had again. Nearly 4 weeks on he has told me his feelings haven't changed. Is it time to give up ? I still want him but don't know what to do.
Linda, Most marriages are worth the effort that it takes to make things work. That being said, it does take both people to want to make that effort. It sounds like you and your husband have some issues to work through, but also still have feelings for each other. Keep communication open and honest. If that is not working you might want to consider marriage counseling. All my best. -Dr. Kurt
Hi Dr. Kurt. Would love your input on mine. Thanks!
Thank you for your reply. I have decided to go away for a few days to give him time to think but also for myself. On texting him he responded within seconds asking where and for how long, Confused I don't know if he cares or not. Last night when he finished work he had to go out and buy household items because i hadnt topped them up, sort his own dinner, and then he was home alone because our sons had gone out and were staying out for the night. My view was you want the single live there you go thats whats its going to be like. Maybe im wrong in doing and thinking that, but he wants space he has it. Im not sure if it will just push him further away but i dont know what else to do. If he can see what he will be missing and stay we can work hard to sort the rest of the problems. No idea if im right but I don't know what else to do.
My husband of 10 years (we've known each other for 7 years before marriage), just told me he wants out. He said he had been suffocating all these while and we've drifted apart. In his opinion, the marriage was a mistake from the start. We drifted apart after colleage, going into different fields and have lesser in common to talk about. We have 3 kids, with #4 on the way. I don't know what to do with the baby. She's my long desired baby girl after having 3 boys. But it just seemed so wrong to bring her into this world knowing that eventually the dad will be leaving us. I hold hopes that he'll realise that we haven't been communicating openly and effectively, that's why we've drifted and always quarrel. I've been under emotional stress with my mother in law staying with us, work stress and stress with the children. I want to make things work and iron out the issues that had been bothering us. But he seemed determined and flatly refused to consider counselling, thinking that the counsellers are just not able to help. What should I do? With baby #4 and with our marriage?
Hi Lisa, Your first priority should be your children and maintaining a healthy pregnancy. Truthfully they should be your husband's first priority as well. Without talking to your husband I am not in a position to offer any insight as to what is going on with him. My suggestion is that you talk to him in terms of the best ways to take care of your children. This may present you with opportunities to discuss your relationship and how to make it as strong as possible so that your kids have everything they need. I wish you the best. - Dr. Kurt