There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Contents
When you discover you've been cheated on the emotions are overwhelming,
just to name a few. And often you feel these in their extremes.
At some point everyone shifts from feeling to thinking and wants to know,
If you've been cheated on you're going to have a lot of questions. One is going to be the 'how’ of it all.
As a counselor who specializes in working with men, I've counseled many men who've cheated.
It's important to note, however, that it's not always men who cheat, and so I've also helped many men who've been cheated on, too.
Regardless of who cheated, my work has given me insight into learning what many cheaters feel – and, yes, they do have feelings about their cheating.
Before I explain if cheaters have any regrets, let's look at something that has a big impact on how they feel – promises.
Below is a social media post I wrote about keeping promises.
Read the full post and then I'll share how it's connected to cheaters and their feelings.
So, how do cheaters feel?
The way people feel about cheating on a spouse or partner can vary.
Some feel terrible and truly regret it, others not as much.
But no matter how much guilt or remorse a cheater expresses outwardly, they all feel it inwardly to some extent.
Cheaters typically separate themselves from their feelings and conscience. They often compartmentalize their behavior, telling themselves,
This has nothing to do with my marriage – it doesn’t change how I feel about my spouse.”
Or they may justify things in order to continue to act in a way they know is wrong.
Cheaters lie to themselves with thoughts like,
All of us have mental tactics we use to justify bad behavior. When you cheat you get pretty good at doing this.
These are the cognitive tricks cheaters use, and we’ve all probably used them at different times too.
There are a variety of reasons people cheat on people they love. We explore many of those reasons in other cheating articles.
Often, however, cheating is a symptom of other problems in a relationship. Such as,
People who cheat are generally looking to fill what they perceive to be an unmet need.
Rather than looking for solutions by talking with their partner or seeking counseling, they attempt to fulfill these needs through other people.
That certainly doesn’t make cheating the right solution, but people who feel emotionally empty often make poor decisions.
Cheating, in fact, will make any problem you're currently facing worse. I often find that a cheater’s remorse is compounded by the weight of the other problems they were trying to escape or fix. All of which is now infinitely worse.
The acceptance of broken promises seems to be a developing trend in our society today, and that change is making it much easier to cheat.
Promises just don’t seem to have the same importance any longer for many. The shame and consequences associated with breaking promises are often nonexistent.
As our society makes it more and more acceptable to break a promise, it makes it easier and easier for anyone to cheat with very little or no guilt or remorse.
I've found that most cheaters really do have a conscience.
Many people who cheat didn't set out to do so. Often cheating just develops out of one bad decision followed by another bad decision. Before the person knows it, they're cheating.
Once they've crossed that line, it's easy to justify it, continue cheating, and enjoy the ride while it lasts.
But what about repeat cheaters? Why do some people cheat over and over again?”
I’ve worked with many couples that have experienced repeated cheating.
When it happens once it can be simpler to believe the cheater feels remorseful, which makes it easier to forgive them.
But when it happens more than once it’s far more difficult to understand. And it becomes increasingly difficult to believe they have any regrets or negative feelings about their behavior at all.
Most often, however, even serial cheaters have regrets. For these people their cheating usually has more to do with poor self-esteem and need for validation than the problems in their relationship.
Does this make it okay?
No.
Should you just forgive and move on?
No.
Should you seek help if you want to change behavior and salvage your relationship?
Yes – absolutely.
And the biggest question that gets asked with repeated cheating,
Can a repeat cheater change?
Yes. But it takes work.
If you've been cheated on you’re likely angry, hurt, and feeling incredibly betrayed. Those feelings are normal and understandable.
It's important to recognize, however, that although your feelings may be different than your cheating partner's, it doesn't mean your partner doesn't have regrets, guilt, and shame about their cheating – they just usually don’t show those feelings the same way.
Remember,
If you've been cheated on you may think I'm being too kind.
But the truth is that most cheaters do feel bad about cheating. If you’ve been cheated on, however, you now have to think about one of the toughest questions in a relationship –
Do you leave after an affair, or do you find a way to work through it?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 18, 2018. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I am writing for a friend of mine, *****. I am very worried about both him and his wife, *****. ***** resently left *****, recently meaning the last 3 months or so for another woman. We live in a small town and I fear that once it becomes public about his affair he will face terrible shame. It is a surprise to the few of us who know of the affair. His wife, ***** adored her husband, *****. It is my understanding divorce papers have been filed. I do not know which of them filed for divorce. I feel this couple, my friends got off track and need to realize what all they have together. I worry about my friend, *****. The shame, humiliation and shunning he will face from cheating on ***** will be astronomical. I would like for him to rethink what he has done by bringing this affair between him and *****. ***** could not possibly love anyone more than he loves *****. I fear he got wrapped up in the affair and lost sight of what he has in *****. He will face terrible embarrassment, I wish to save my friend from this embarrassment. How can I help him to see what he has done is wrong? How can I help my friends? This woman who came between ***** and ***** needs to go on about her business and leave ***** alone. ***** needs to remember the love and care he has for *****. I hate, I mean hate to see ***** and ***** to divorce. Please help them, help me to help them. Please help me to know how to bring my friends back together, to save ***** from the shame and the hurt he will bring his family. Concerned friend.
Anonymous, As I said in my last comment, your influence is limited. I'd send him and her a link to some of the articles on this site and perhaps one of the stories of other people will cause a change in perspective. Be patient. That change in perspective can take time, but usually the fantasy ends and reality kicks back in. -Dr. Kurt
Cheaters are horrible people. Point blank. Decent people don't CHOOSE intentionally to do things that would cause harm.
Maybe let's stop this stupid narrative that cheaters need to be handled with care. I hope all cheaters burn, and I wish them 100x whatever hurt they caused with their cheating.