There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
4 Min Read
Contents
When you discover you've been cheated on you feel a range of emotions,
just to name a few. And often you feel these in their extremes.
At some point everyone shifts from feeling to thinking and wants to know,
How do cheaters feel about their cheating?”
How could he/she hurt me this way?
Is he (or she) feeling pain like I am?”
If you're a partner who's been cheated on you're going to have a lot of questions. One type of question is going to be the 'how’ of it all.
As a counselor who specializes in working with men, I've counseled a lot of men who've cheated.
But it's important to note that it's not always men who cheat, and so I've also helped many men who've been cheated on, too.
Regardless of who cheated, my work has given me insight into learning what many cheaters feel – and, yes, they do have feelings about their cheating.
Before I explain if cheaters have any regrets, let's look at something that has a big impact on how they feel – promises.
Below is a social media post I wrote about keeping promises.
Read the full post and then I'll share how it's connected to cheaters and their feelings.
So, how do cheaters feel?
The way people feel about cheating on a spouse or partner can vary.
Some feel really bad and truly regret it, others not as much.
But no matter how much guilt or remorse a cheating person expresses outwardly, they all feel it inwardly to some extent.
Cheaters are often able to separate themselves from their feelings and conscience. They may compartmentalize their behavior, telling themselves,
This has nothing to do with my marriage – it doesn’t change how I feel about my spouse.”
Or, they may justify things in order to continue to act in a way they know is wrong.
Cheaters lie to themselves with thoughts like,
All of us have ways our minds can justify wrong behavior. In order to cheat you need to get pretty good at doing this.
These are the cognitive tricks cheaters use, and we’ve all probably used them too.
There are a variety of reasons people cheat on those they love. We explore many of those reasons in other cheating spouse articles on this website.
Often, however, cheating is a symptom of other problems in a relationship. Whether they're,
Those who cheat are generally looking to fill what they perceive as an unmet need. Rather than looking for solutions by talking with their partner or seeking counseling, they attempt to fulfill these needs through other people.
That certainly doesn’t make cheating the right solution, but emotionally empty people often make poor decisions.
Cheating, in fact, will make any problem you're currently facing worse, so I often find that a cheater’s remorse is compounded by the weight of the other problems they were trying to escape or fix.
The acceptance of broken promises seems to be a developing trend in our society today, and that change is making it much easier to cheat.
Promises just don’t seem to have the same importance any longer for many. The shame and consequences associated with breaking promises is often nonexistent. As our society makes it more and more acceptable to break a promise, it makes it easier and easier for anyone to cheat with very little or no guilt or remorse.
I've found that most cheaters really do have a conscience.
Many people who cheat didn't set out to do so. A lot of time cheating just develops out of one bad decision followed by another bad decision. And before the person knows it, they're cheating.
Once they've crossed that line, it's easier to justify it, continue cheating, and enjoy the ride while it lasts.
That’s far more fun than it is to face the mistakes that led you to this point in the first place.
But what about repeat cheaters? Why do some people cheat over and over again?”
I’ve worked with many couples that have experienced repeated cheating.
When it happens once it can be easier to believe the cheater feels remorseful, and that makes it easier to forgive them as well.
But when it happens more than once it’s far more difficult to be understanding. And it becomes increasingly difficult to believe they have any regrets or negative feelings about their behavior at all.
Most often, however, even serial cheaters have regrets. In fact, their cheating likely has more to do with poor self-esteem and a need to find validation wherever they ca, than problems in their relationship.
Does this make it okay?
No.
Should you just forgive and move on?
No.
Should you seek help if you want to change behavior and salvage your relationship?
Yes – absolutely.
And the biggest question that gets asked with repeated cheating,
Can a repeat cheater change?
Yes. But it takes work.
If you've been cheated on you’re likely angry, hurt, and feeling incredibly betrayed. Those feelings are normal and understandable.
It's important to recognize, however, that although your feelings may be different than your cheating partner's, it doesn't mean your partner doesn't have negative feelings about cheating – they usually won’t show them in the same way.
Remember,
If you've been cheated on you may think I'm being too kind here. But the truth is that the majority of cheaters do feel bad about cheating. If you’ve been cheated on, however, you now have to think about one of the toughest questions in a relationship – Do you leave after an affair, or do you find a way to work through it?
Was this post about how cheaters feel helpful? You can get notified each time there's a new post by signing-up at the bottom of this page, or follow me on Facebook or Twitter where I post relationship and self-improvement tips just like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 18, 2018. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
Suspecting a partner of cheating can shake your world.
What should you do if your Wife Cheats On You? Check out this expert advice for what to do next.
© 2026 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
My wife of 25 years cheated. For 2 years. I was crushed. Yes I got PTSD. Got locked up under the Baker act. Lost my memory for awhile. Lost 70 pounds in three months. Developed twitches like electric shocks. Yes I went to M/C. 2 1/2 years later I hurt. I still get mind movies every day. I trust no one. I locked my heart away so I will not be hurt again. I will not be the same ever. These are things cheaters don't think about. They don't care who they hurt. Sure they may be sorry when they get caught. But they were sure happy when they were cheating. They say "it was a mistake" no it wasn't. It was your choice. A choice you made to hurt somebody that loved you. Cry in your coffee. The hurt cheaters cause never heal. Never. It may fade but scars last forever.
I share your pain. My husband whom I have been with for 36 years (since I was 16) cheated for 3 years. He is gone now (with her) and I am literally heartbroken.
He CHOSE to inflict this pain. He knew I would be incredibly hurt but that did not even make him think twice. His gratification was all that mattered.
I was so naive to think he loved me even half as much as I loved him. I am lost
my wife recently divorced me because she has had new boyfriends for several years. I found out during the last two months of our marriage when she decided to move me out and move boyfriend in. We have one child together. When she and get drunk they come to my apartment and bang on the door screaming nasty words. I call the police but they can not do anything until they are caught in the act. This hassrasment continues daily and my ex just threatens me if I say any. The divorce papers gives us joint custody but she will not let me have my daughter for a day unless she has something to do. My daughter is old enough to tell me what is going on in the home and it doesn't sound good. What rights do I have?
I was cheated on sorta my ex girlfriend had a husband. I didn't know about I was with her for 3 almost 4 years. Come to find out she has a husband I mean her friends and family no one said anything no pictures of him. I know I maybe be intruded but I felt like I was cheated cause I didn't know I was in there deep ready to pop the question.
What exactly is the difference between "being a bad person" and "making bad decisions?" This is BS. Our actions are all that matter. "I cheated on my spouse, cheated on her again, and again, for 1,523 days. But I'm not a bad person. I feel bad sometimes. But then I do it again." That is the definition of a bad person.
If you cheat, tell your spouse. You chose to be with someone else. They have the right to chose if they want to be with you. I hate when cheaters say they feel so bad and are sorry. You made the choice. Nobody made you do it. Take responsibility and let your spouse decide if your worth it. Cheaters always have excuses. Low life scum. Every relathionship has problems...not everyone cheats. Just the weak and selfish.