There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Contents
When you discover you've been cheated on you feel a range of emotions,
just to name a few. And often you feel these in their extremes.
At some point everyone shifts from feeling to thinking and wants to know,
How do cheaters feel about their cheating?”
How could he/she hurt me this way?
Is he (or she) feeling pain like I am?”
If you're a partner who's been cheated on you're going to have a lot of questions. One type of question is going to be the 'how’ of it all.
As a counselor who specializes in working with men, I've counseled a lot of men who've cheated.
But it's important to note that it's not always men who cheat, and so I've also helped many men who've been cheated on, too.
Regardless of who cheated, my work has given me insight into learning what many cheaters feel – and, yes, they do have feelings about their cheating.
Before I explain if cheaters have any regrets, let's look at something that has a big impact on how they feel – promises.
Below is a social media post I wrote about keeping promises.
Read the full post and then I'll share how it's connected to cheaters and their feelings.
So, how do cheaters feel?
The way people feel about cheating on a spouse or partner can vary.
Some feel really bad and truly regret it, others not as much.
But no matter how much guilt or remorse a cheating person expresses outwardly, they all feel it inwardly to some extent.
Cheaters are often able to separate themselves from their feelings and conscience. They may compartmentalize their behavior, telling themselves,
This has nothing to do with my marriage – it doesn’t change how I feel about my spouse.”
Or, they may justify things in order to continue to act in a way they know is wrong.
Cheaters lie to themselves with thoughts like,
All of us have ways our minds can justify wrong behavior. In order to cheat you need to get pretty good at doing this.
These are the cognitive tricks cheaters use, and we’ve all probably used them too.
There are a variety of reasons people cheat on those they love. We explore many of those reasons in other cheating spouse articles on this website.
Often, however, cheating is a symptom of other problems in a relationship. Whether they're,
Those who cheat are generally looking to fill what they perceive as an unmet need. Rather than looking for solutions by talking with their partner or seeking counseling, they attempt to fulfill these needs through other people.
That certainly doesn’t make cheating the right solution, but emotionally empty people often make poor decisions.
Cheating, in fact, will make any problem you're currently facing worse, so I often find that a cheater’s remorse is compounded by the weight of the other problems they were trying to escape or fix.
The acceptance of broken promises seems to be a developing trend in our society today, and that change is making it much easier to cheat.
Promises just don’t seem to have the same importance any longer for many. The shame and consequences associated with breaking promises is often nonexistent. As our society makes it more and more acceptable to break a promise, it makes it easier and easier for anyone to cheat with very little or no guilt or remorse.
I've found that most cheaters really do have a conscience.
Many people who cheat didn't set out to do so. A lot of time cheating just develops out of one bad decision followed by another bad decision. And before the person knows it, they're cheating.
Once they've crossed that line, it's easier to justify it, continue cheating, and enjoy the ride while it lasts.
That’s far more fun than it is to face the mistakes that led you to this point in the first place.
But what about repeat cheaters? Why do some people cheat over and over again?”
I’ve worked with many couples that have experienced repeated cheating.
When it happens once it can be easier to believe the cheater feels remorseful, and that makes it easier to forgive them as well.
But when it happens more than once it’s far more difficult to be understanding. And it becomes increasingly difficult to believe they have any regrets or negative feelings about their behavior at all.
Most often, however, even serial cheaters have regrets. In fact, their cheating likely has more to do with poor self-esteem and a need to find validation wherever they ca, than problems in their relationship.
Does this make it okay?
No.
Should you just forgive and move on?
No.
Should you seek help if you want to change behavior and salvage your relationship?
Yes – absolutely.
And the biggest question that gets asked with repeated cheating,
Can a repeat cheater change?
Yes. But it takes work.
If you've been cheated on you’re likely angry, hurt, and feeling incredibly betrayed. Those feelings are normal and understandable.
It's important to recognize, however, that although your feelings may be different than your cheating partner's, it doesn't mean your partner doesn't have negative feelings about cheating – they usually won’t show them in the same way.
Remember,
If you've been cheated on you may think I'm being too kind here. But the truth is that the majority of cheaters do feel bad about cheating. If you’ve been cheated on, however, you now have to think about one of the toughest questions in a relationship – Do you leave after an affair, or do you find a way to work through it?
Was this post about how cheaters feel helpful? You can get notified each time there's a new post by signing-up at the bottom of this page, or follow me on Facebook or Twitter where I post relationship and self-improvement tips just like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 18, 2018. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Plan a surprise visit to work, or come home at unexpected times, or make announcements about having to work late, but then come home early, etc.
I have been happily married for 12 years (13 years together) with 1 child. I thought we communicated well, intimacy in tact, and friendship was great, we have never argued or fought and talk openly about everything. My husband cheated after 12 years of marriage, had an affair for at least 5 months, spent over 22k on her, and spent a lot of time with her, which included our birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Its extremely painful and now he is in therapy, working on himself before we join do couples therapy. Its been 6 weeks since I found out, he stopped all contact with her and wants to work on making our marriage work. I am still in so much pain, do not know if we can work through this together.
Its really sad because I thought we had an amazing relationship (I am a marriage counselor and thought I knew how to handle this), and how wrong I was.
Hi Cindy, Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. I'm sure others will be encouraged to know that it can happen to a marriage counselor too. Hopefully your willingness to admit your mistakes will help your husband to do the same. Best wishes on building a new "us." It's possible to become better through this. -Dr. Kurt
My wife of 27 years is going through a pretty bad time at the moment, Both being a little over sixty we've understandably put this down to hormone in-balance. However after seeking help with the gynaecologist which she regularly does, she's now made an appointment for psychotherapy, which I must say I am pleased about even though I am kept on the perimeter of information, and only on the need to know basis.
Over the last 10 years, she has become very intolerable and impatient, she has lost all forms of empathy and even become selfish (to a degree) She, complains about being insecure, self-doubting and lacking in purpose. We've had a beautiful marriage, and been together almost 24/7 she is without a doubt my soul mate, and I love her dearly, and I pray for a reversal of her attitude.
She very rarely says that she loves me, and when she does its parrot fashion and only as a response. She seems to be so mad at me all the time, and she criticises just about every decision I make. I now force her to look out of the side window while I'm driving. Otherwise, I won't drive, it is that bad. Worst of all she always looks back with anger,. Twist things around to remove the pleasantness whether its a restaurant, a holiday, a person or couple, it's mystifying. There's more but I think I've painted a pretty good picture and you'll have the gist by now.
Many, many years ago - I suspected her, beyond a reasonable doubt, of having an affair with a close friend. Due to the lack of concrete evidence by that, I mean catching them in bed. I was told that I was wrecking things, I was insecure because my parents had been divorced etc., and a whole load more of abuse were it got to the stage, that I didn't like myself either, I decided to let things go, and I've never raised the issue again. (for better or for worse).. Time has moved on, thankfully, and the alleged affair is long, long in the past, and distant memory for me that is.
My question is, could my wife be suffering unnecessarily with a guilty conscious, perhaps' getting off the hook' is only short term and infidelity has a more destructive, long term policy and gets you in the end. I want to say to her its alright, (If they did) I want to show forgiveness, if needed and that I don't care I just want my wife back. Could there be long term repercussions or I am just being silly, P.S I've never cheated on my wife nor would I.
I cheated on my partner a year ago, and I still feel extremely sad and regretful. I didn’t mean to purposely hurt my partner...I suppose our relationship at the time wasn’t the best (bad communication), and I felt very alone. I started chatting with someone I met online (similar business interests etc) - I told my partner about them. Anyway, I met up with them on a work trip...But, I ended up getting very drunk, and they took me back to their hotel. We didn’t have sex, but they did some things to me while I was trying to sleep. I told my partner, and they forgave me...our relationship seems stronger now as I’ve committed to changing and being transparent about everything I do. But, I still fear that my partner will never trust me again, and even though they say it doesn’t bother them, I fear that I have ripped out a chunk of their beautiful heart and it will never fully heal. Worst mistake in my life.
Sorry to hear about this! Was it at least good to get it off your chest by telling your partner? That seems like the healthier thing to do!
I am submitting this on behalf of a good friend of mine. His name is *****. He got involved in an affair and left his wife ***** for another woman. This news has been hard on the few people that know of the affair and him leaving. ***** and ***** were so well suited for each other. ***** adored ***** and I thought ***** loved ***** as well. Several of us have spoken about this. ***** has moved in with his girlfriend. We feel ***** got wrapped up in the affair and did not truly want to leave *****. *****'s best friend is the sister to the woman he left ***** for. Can these two wonderful people, ***** and ***** be helped? This breaks my heart. ***** will face such embarrassment for what he has done. Can their marriage be saved? Please help them. Thsnk you. I love this couple.
Anonymous, I know how this kind of situation can break your heart. I deal with it every day. Unfortunately, the people in it don't always see it the same way. It's hard to watch people make decisions we believe are not wise, but our influence is limited. I always believe that relationships can be saved - and have seen it happen many, many times. But until they both want it you'll have to accept their choices. -Dr. Kurt