Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Contents
Part 1 of 3
Jay is just an average guy – one of the many guys with a porn addiction.
But Jay didn't realize he had an addiction. He thought other guys were the ones who had addictions to porn, but not him because porn was just an occasional part of his life – not an addiction.
Porn was just a way to pass time for Jay, so he figured it was harmless. No one got hurt and it wasn’t causing a problem in his marriage that he could see.
An addiction to porn wasn’t something an average guy like him would struggle with he thought -- porn addictions were problems that lonely, reclusive guys had. He was married after all! Porn was for fun, to kill time, and relieve some stress.
In Jay’s mind watching porn was not a big deal and any suggestion that it was a problem was met with an eye roll and dismissed.
It’s just a thing all guys like and watch on occasion.
Sound familiar?
Many guys don’t even realize that porn has become a regular part of their routine. In fact, when asked, most guys would tell you they don’t look porn that often – just occasionally if the opportunity presents itself.
When they start to really think about it, however, a lot of those guys can begin to realize that porn is a much larger part of their daily lives than they realized. And that somewhere along the way their occasional viewing of porn became something they depended upon.
Here's how routine porn addictions can be:
Jay liked to watch Sports Center on ESPN after Charlene went to bed, but he would also channel surf and could easily find something 'entertaining' on Cinemax or Showtime.
He figured his behavior was all pretty normal.
Charlene knew about most of it, although there were some things she didn't know about – that’s normal too, right?
She seemed okay with it all and didn’t complain, so maybe she even liked porn a little too he thought.
What Jay didn't recognize was how much he came to rely on porn to relieve stress, escape, and just to be able to relax. He hadn't noticed how regular it had become.
What he couldn’t see was that, even as a normal, average guy, he'd developed a porn addiction.
Addictions are sneaky. No one starts anything with the intention of becoming addicted to it.
The cocaine addict doesn’t do his first line hoping to become a junkie, and the alcoholic doesn't take a drink doesn’t take a drink thinking that becoming a drunk is a good idea.
The same is true of porn addictions.
Porn seems harmless to most men (and to a lot of women too). It’s easy to think porn is not cheating, no one is getting hurt, and it you can stop anytime, right?
Well, not really. Porn actually causes many problems for the individual and their relationship.
So how does the average guy know if he has a porn addiction?
1. When you have a need for porn on a regular basis, or dependence on porn for sexual satisfaction, that's one of the signs of porn addictions.
Jay didn't know how porn changed his brain and created an even stronger desire to look at women in sexually explicit ways. He didn't see how late-night cable shows, surfing porn sites, and the occasional strip club visit fed his desire to see more naked women and watch more porn.
2. Requiring increasing amounts of porn for stimulation is one of the signs of addiction.
He also couldn't see the effects porn was having on his sex life with Charlene.
His sexual appetite had begun to change. He still wanted to have sex with her, but sometimes she couldn’t satisfy him, and he needed to spend time watching porn after they had sex in order to have an orgasm.
He’d also begun pushing Charlene to have sex in ways he'd seen on porn sites. He told himself it was in effort to keep things fun and interesting, but Charlene didn’t see it that way and she didn’t like most of it. His actions and requests felt degrading and as though they really had nothing to do with her – and the truth was they didn’t.
3. When your sex life is affected by viewing porn, that's one of the signs for porn addictions.
Jay and Charlene’s sex life had become awkward. She felt like he was acting like someone else and wanted her to be someone else too. He was making her feel uncomfortable, like she wasn’t enough for him, and wasn’t what he really wanted. As a result, the intimacy in their relationship was beginning to break down.
He’d also begun to have issues keeping an erection. This led to additional problems. Charlene couldn’t tell if there was a medical issue or if he just wasn’t attracted to her anymore.
What neither of them realized is that porn addiction can actually cause erectile dysfunction.
Porn addictions can often look like what many people would describe as pretty normal guy behavior – most guys just like to look at girls, right?
Yes, but addictions to porn aren’t normal, they're a problem.
If you’re a typical guy and think your porn habit is normal and not an addiction, keep the following things in mind:
If you think you may have a porn addiction, or know someone who does, don't struggle alone. Get some help from a counselor experienced in porn addiction.
Read Part 2 of Jay & Charlene's story - A Guy Confesses He's Addicted to Pornography and Part 3 - Porn Addiction Help for a Wife Who Finds Her Husband's Porn.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 13, 2012. It was updated on December 11, 2018, and now again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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It was quite interesting to read all these comments, which notably are mostly from women struggling with their partners porn consumption.
Some of them seem ghastly. An ex who'll stalk you? A guy hitting on other women all the time? Visiting the strip club with friends?
Unacceptable.
I'm sorry for anyone who had to go through something like this.
However, i think one should also consider that recent studies have found that there's very few (especially young) men who actually don't consume porn. Most will probably have a steady consumption with some fluctuations - it's not like it will get worse over time.
Must guys also don't intend to hurt their partner by watching porn.
Putting a lot of pressure on your partner to stop watching porn is probably often counterproductive and i think it's also not very appropriate: Why should you treat him like a criminal because he's watching porn? He doesn't have bad intention, he most likely still thinks you're sexy and wants to have passionate sex with you. He just enjoys some porn to pass some time or relieve some stress. I suggest one should try to not take it very personally.
If you are unhappy with your sexual relations you should do something about it. Work on it - together.
I also think that nowadays a lot of men are scared to put too much pressure on their partners. Men are often portrayed as sex-driven "things" who just think with their penises. Some men go to lengths to avoid provoking that image.
It can even happen, that if you throw yourself at him, he may still interpret it as you only doing it "for" him. To please him. Not for your own benefit. In that case he may turn you away - and turn to porn, too.
Now, I'm sure there's plenty of men who do have a problem with porn. There's plenty of relationships where sex fails - for several reasons. I do think, however, that it's probably more often due to failing to communicate properly rather than to missing attraction. I agree that in this situation it's counterproductive if a guy takes the easy route and switches to porn to satisfy his desires.
I think commonly it will be best to try to talk about the sexual relationship openly. Without a focus on porn, probably even best to leave the topic be, at all. There's no need to show that you can prove he's watching porn. If you can't find a solution (together) without you putting pressure on him by reminding him that you know he watches porn and you think it's bad - you'll probably fail anyway. It's quite natural that people tend to defend themselves when they're accused. It's not a good start to resolving things.
If your sex life is okay but he's still watching porn and you don't like it: I'd suggest talking about it to him in an inquisitive manner. Try to stay open. Try not to put pressure on him. When you have talked about it, then you should tell him your side. Why you don't like it.
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I don't think it's appropriate to blame a partner just for watching porn. I don't think it's right to expect them to stop. If the partner becomes abusive, or inattentive, or he's doing it in front of others (or the likes) - in that case it's appropriate to expect the partner to stop it.
How would you feel about being asked to stop doing something you like to do and which doesn't affect anybody - just because your partner doesn't like it? It seems a bit abusive to me. I'd like to compare it to a guy asking a girl not to talk to male friends anymore because it makes him feel insecure, unattractive,...
I'm not saying it's really the same but there are some commonalities.
For most people, the real issue should probably be about how porn actors are treated. Should one support such an industry?
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, about 6 months ago our sex life went from a few times a week to once a week, to sometimes once every couple weeks. One night out of the blue, he all of a sudden had this overwhelming urge to make love to me after a pretty long bathroom break. I found it odd that his phone had disappeared from the bed adequate table prior to him entering the bathroom, but I chose not to say anything till I investigated a bit more. After he fell asleep, I checked the browser history and there it was hundreds of porn sites and links. Still I said nothing. 2 weeks went by, I noticed he was taking 2-4 bathroom breaks a day, in which his phone always seemed to find its way in there with him. Finally I was upset enough to confront him, and explain how hurtful it was that he chose to watch it alone in the bathroom and hide it. He said I'm sorry, and that he will never do that again. I gave in the his sexual advances finally after 2 weeks of nothing. For the first few days after I spoke up about the cell in the bathroom it seemed he really was sincere about his apology by leaving his phone out of the bathroom, and miraculously he was back down to 1 normal bathroom break a day again. However this was very short lived. The sex nearly died completely at this time and it was nearly a month since he had touched me. The phone was back in the bathroom again for his visits that take him well over an hour. So I chose to express how badly it hurts me that he won't watch it with me again, explain that I feel like he needs the porn to turn him on enough to touch me anymore, how repulsive it makes me feel. This time he got upset though, screaming at me, threatening the relationship, and then tries to point direcation my way saying that he doesn't touch himself when he watched it, he is watching it to learn new tricks to bring into the bedroom, yet he STILL wouldn't watch it with me. Now he knew I was onto him. He started waiting til I was busy to take his phone off the charger and slide it in his pocket for yet ANOTHER bathroom session. Any time I mention it now it turns into an argument, he calls me insecure, and says he is paying for all my exs mistakes. He erases all browsing history, has hidden downloaded video folders, and now has gone as far as to download another browser to view the porn so he can view it privately because he was convinced I had a tracker of some sort on it. Honestly to any of the men on here, I LOVE the idea of spicing up the bedroom, trying new things, but in over a year that has only happened 1 time, after a MASSIVE FIGHT about him pleasuring himself in the bathroom and not including me in the adventure. Maybe it's just me, but I would think that any man would be happy if their woman wanted to watch and pleasure them, plus I was willing to watch only porn that turns him on, which I honestly see as repulsive, but it was a sacrifice I was willing make to save my relationship and our sex life. Sadly his porn consumption is at an all time high, and my dignity, self esteem, self worth, womanhood, and mentall well being are all now at an all time low. He will lie about anything to hide watching it now, and has gone as far as to tell me I need head meds cuz I'm paranoid cuz he doesn't do that any more. What more can I do? Why is he so angry when he gets caught ? Why doesn't he ever touch me unless he spent an hour or so in the bathroom alone watching porn ? He swears he does it to find "us" something to watch, or to give him new move ideas, yet nothing "new" is happening in this bed. And nothing is being played either on the TV, so why the excuses, denials, lies, and INCREDIBLY DECREASED love making?
Amanda, Most men don't realize they are addicted to porn, and they usually have to hear it from a professional therapist. Like any addiction, you can't force him to get help - he will have to want it. You can try finding a professional couples counselor and go on your own for support. Both of you don't need to be there for it to be beneficial and in my experience, once one partner goes, the other wants to, too. -Kurt
Thank you kurt for your response, though I feel I should explain a bit more. He openly admits that he watches porn, and a lot of it. And I openly admit I don't mind him watching porn, to an extent. I beg for him to watch it with me, reenact it with me, or try new things we can find by watching a few movies together. The issue lies within the fact that he has only allowed me to watch 1 movie with him that took him 5 hours of skimming through hundreds of videos to find, and after 5 hours of viewing he had aroused himself so much that the video only lasted for about 1 minute (the actors hadn't even removed clothing yet) and he ejaculated in his pants without ever touching me or me touching him. Then he apologized and said that "I" had turned him on so much he couldn't hold it in. Since that night, he hasn't been open minded to watching it with me again. He is back in the bathroom watching it alone. Watching it while I'm asleep, not home, while he is at work, at his parents visiting, etc. The ONLY time he is intimate with me now is after one of his 2 hour bathroom "bowel movements " and if I dare beg for sex, attention, affection, or anything intimate at all, I hear "if your going to cry about not getting laid, next time you will wait a month" . I understand if a man feels he needs to hide his porn addiction that he not let his woman in on his secrets. But he openly admits his addiction, and has a woman that BEGS for him to watch it with her. Begs for sex. And satisfies his needs at any time he has an urge even though there are a lot of times that I'm not having that service reciprocated and then wait weeks to be satisfied myself. I've noticed new email accounts, Web browser downloads, and hookup sites in the history, though he swears they are from pop up sites on the porn sites. And to be honest, I don't think he would ever cheat on me, but his actions with the hiding of the porn, and the fact that it appears he "can not be turned on enough to touch me" without watching a few hours of it alone in the bathroom right before, has really hurt my feelings, and now we can't discuss it openly like we used to because he blows up and wants to fight, and I'm always left to be the bigger person and let it go so we can move forward to the next day. Though it is never truly moving forward, it's more like standing still in time, until the next time he gets caught and denies it. Also, he is NOT open to counseling, because it is only "me" who has insecurities and is bothered by his actions. He says it all the time, you want to complain about me watching porn but your getting nailed, right? You need help. Maybe there is NO help to be had, and no matter what I try, or do, this will all be a waste of my time... I feel so alone, rejected, ugly, unwanted, and hurt. I've even gone to the extremes of starving myself and working out to physically look more like the females he watches hours of. Last week he finally noticed the 51lbs I lost, and acknowledged it by saying, " Ya, you lost alot of weight, but I think it was all in your ass, it looks like you lost your ass in a poker game in those pants" nothing I do to please him ever seems like enough, I'm so lost, and I love him with all of my heart. I wish there was a magic answer out there to end this suffering I feel every day
Amanda
After telling him that you find porn repulsive - how can you expect him to watch it with you? Telling him that you're willing to make that sacrifice does not help when you're saying it like that.
Apparently there's something wrong with your (both of you as a couple) sex life. Either you both grow up and learn to communicate your issues and feelings properly or you'll have to live with the consequences.
I think you both need professional counseling. But not about sex education, it's just the pure communication which is missing! Go for couples therapy.
Marc, I never said him watching or enjoying the porn was repulsive. I had expressed to him that in my opinion it made me feel repulsive attractiveness wise because it seemed that he was using and viewing the porn as a tool to arouse himself enough to bear having sex with me. That it made me feel like I disgusted him or repulsed him visually so badly that he needed the porn in order to be intimate with me. Also I never expressed that the "kind" of porn he chooses to watch grosses me out, never expressed or said anything about the kind of porn he wants actually being a turn off to me personally, because I know that the enjoyment he gets from the porn is about the fantasy and wants he has for them to be a reality. I've even played along and pretended for the ideas to also be a turn on of mine in order to make him feel more comfortable. Trust me I am very big on communication, but whenever the mention of his bathroom visits, disappearing phone, muted phone when he exits the bathroom, or anything implying he was watching videos without me takes place, he becomes immediately defensive, freaks out, and starts fighting and screaming. I'm asking if any men out there have some advice from the men's aspect on how to better approach this topic without him taking offense, or a better way of communicating my feelings in a way he can associate how hurtful his actions have been to my self esteem, Confidence, and feeling of importance in his sex life
ladies, i know exactly how you feel. endured a practically sexless marriage for almost 18 years. just discovered his porn problem about a year ago. it killed me, coupled about the derogatory remarks he always made about my physical appearance. and comparing me to other women in a negative way. decided to reclaim MY sexuality instead of letting it get tied up in his crazy. i feel so much better. you are all beautiful, its not fair to you to allow another persons illness affect how you see yourself. i did and it sucked. be kind to yourself ladies. you are beautiful. reading the comments brought tears to my eyes, i know how it can damage ones self esteem. but remember its yours, its not husband or boyfriend esteem, its self esteem and you can definately build it back up. put yourself first. make you a priority, not the relationship. i am doing that and i feel tons better
Sam, Thanks for sharing your story. It's great you took charge of your situation and made changes that make you happy. -Kurt
I can't stand my husband because of this s*** it's been going on with him since 3 years now and there's no end in sight I can't take it anymore he literally destroyed us because of this garbage