What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
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Marriage is traditionally defined as a union between two people. Within this union there are many promises made, but foremost among them is the promise to be faithful, and intimate only with the person that you’ve married.
But what if the married couple wants to rewrite the rules and create an open marriage thinking it will make things better?
Is it possible that an open marriage could save a troubled marriage?
The concept of an open marriage isn’t a new one. Open marriages have existed for years.
There are a number of reasons people cite for creating an open marriage and a number of ways they justify it.
are a few.
But does it really work?
Can creating an open marriage actually make things stronger?
It seems rather straightforward, right? You might think an open marriage is simply one where each partner is allowed to spend time with other people in an intimate way.
It’s not quite that simple.
Open marriages are defined as those where a married couple agree to having a non-monogamous relationship.
This can mean that partners are allowed to engage with other people in either emotional or sexual ways. Not always both doing so at the same time.
Often couples who call their marriage “open” will attempt to place rules and parameters on how things actually work. The goal being to enhance or save the relationship and fulfill needs, rather than to threaten it.
This doesn’t always work in the way it is intended, however.
These “rules” can involve the,
or any number of other particulars.
Creating the parameters for an open relationship can be quite complicated and isn’t often done very well.
In fact, one of the most common problems when people attempt an open marriage is that these rules are not well thought out, realistic, or followed.
The overwhelming reason people will give for engaging in an open marriage is that they feel it will somehow make their relationship stronger.
The claim is that it’s impossible for one person to fulfill all of someone else’s needs and that by removing the pressure to be everything to each other you’ll be able to focus on the things that make you stronger as a couple.
Some also claim that by creating an open relationship you automatically avoid the hurt of cheating should it occur, and the difficulty of fixing the relationship afterward.
The thought is that by allowing intimacy with other people under certain circumstances you create a stronger and more honest relationship. No need to sneak, lie, and hide.
And then there are some couples who have differing sexual desires and, rather than split up, they agree – with rules – to let one another seek sexual fulfillment with other people.
Sexual incompatibility in a relationship is not uncommon, especially as a relationship ages. Frequency of sex (or no sex in the marriage at all), type, and specific sexual desires can all change over time.
If partners aren’t willing to work together to meet each other’s needs they may see an “open” relationship as a way to save the marriage or solve the problems.
Dr. Kurt has worked with couples who’ve turned to the open marriage concept as a way to save their marriage. When asked about it he said,
I've counseled a number of couples trying to make an open relationship work. In fact, one couple right now is trying to decide whether or not to do it to save their marriage. One of the common reasons these couples seek my help is that it's not working out as they had expected. It's also common that it's more the man pushing for opening up the marriage than it is the woman. While nearly all of them deny that it's about wanting to have sex with other people, that's always a big factor. Some other commonalities are a lack of clear, well-thought-out rules and boundaries - a misguided belief or hope that this will make the relationship better when it just complicates and devalues it; and an underestimation of the emotional and self-esteem issues that will arise."
The short answer is no, it really doesn’t.
There are a number of reasons for that. Let’s look at just a few.
It sounds very mature and rather evolved, right?
Two people love and trust each other so much that they’re willing to allow others into their lives and take the time to define the rules for doing so.
This way no one gets hurt.
Nice idea, but it doesn’t work that easily.
Rules are good on paper, but emotions don’t generally adhere well to rules. If you’re attracted enough to someone to get involved with them on any intimate level, following guidelines for that involvement will be challenging.
And all it takes is one slip-up that breaks the rules to cause a major problem in the relationship you’re trying to protect. Or, put you in a position where you lie or hide things, which is precisely what you were trying to avoid.
One of the goals of an open relationship is to avoid jealousy.
If you’re so bonded to one another that you can allow other people in there’s no reason to get jealous, right?
Humans by nature aren’t really programmed that way.
No matter how evolved you think you are, knowing that the person you love is sharing the most intimate parts of themselves with someone else, or finding emotional fulfillment and happiness that you’re not able to provide, is not easy to accept.
If you’re truly so detached that it doesn’t matter to you at all, you should consider whether there are other things about your relationship that need evaluation and addressing.
It would be hard not have the question floating around in your head, “Am I not enough?” when your partner actively wants to be with other people.
It is impossible to be everything to someone, so friendships and outside interests are important. But when your partner tells you that they want to emotionally or physically connect with someone else on an intimate level - even if you both agreed to it - it will start to eat at your self-esteem.
This can cause a vicious cycle.
You may now start to work for attention from others just to feel like you’re enough to someone. This can push your partner to do even more of the same and then emotions can develop the others that cause rules to be broken.
Having your cake and eating it too – sounds perfect!
But when you commit to one person through marriage it’s just that, a commitment. No one said it would be easy or without sacrifice, and it isn’t.
It sounds daunting - one person for the rest of your life. But, if you’ve met and want to marry the right person, it’s also something that you willingly agree to.
Marriage is not one person until you get bored.
When a relationship gets to the point of boredom or dissatisfaction there are a number of more thoughtful and serious ways to work on things while honoring your commitment to each other.
And if you start your relationship as an open one, and at no point want it to be exclusive, perhaps you need to think about whether it’s the right relationship.
If you think that an open marriage might save your marriage it would be wise to take a closer look at the reasons that are propelling you that way. It may seem like the perfect solution to the problems you’re having, but it’s more likely a band aid and only masking the real issues. Not only that, but it’s likely that you will, along the way, only add more problems to the ones you already have.
Before considering an open relationship it might be a better idea to try reconnecting with your spouse and developing a plan that creates satisfaction with each other rather than involving others.
You may find you need help in doing this and that's okay. In the end your marriage is likely to be stronger for it.
Marriage can be hard at times. No one tells you a lot about the hard parts when you get started, but they’re definitely there.
It’s not surprising that couples would want to find a way to liven things up and keep that “new relationship” feeling alive. And for many an open relationship seems like a reasonable idea to save their marriage.
But, if you’re thinking about an open marriage remember the following:
My best advice is before you consider an open marriage as a way to save your marriage, do your research. And consider speaking with an experienced and knowledgeable counselor. Chances are you’ll rethink your decision and find more productive ways to make your marriage better.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on June 6, 2018, and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Been w/my 2nd husband almost 25 yrs. More than half my life. I love him as he does me but I know we are Not In Love w/each enough anymore to even have an intimate relationship. I know the article opposes Open Relationships because of unforeseen problems which may arise. I want to propose to my husband to have an Open Marriage and we don't then divorce will be my result. I have human female emotional, physical and sexual needs that he just not tend to because he goes to work 8-10hrs a day, falls asleep even sitting up on couch, wakes for dinner and back on couch to sleep for an hour or so then gets up and says, ,"I'm going to bed now babe, good night" 5 days a week.
I'm so over this...but I love him.
Lexy, I want to offer to you through my own experience what may help with your situation. I can't guarantee anything but I hope it helps you make a better decision going forward into an open marriage or not. My wife and I have been together for 15 years and about 3 months ago she proposed to me that we enter the Life Style (Swinging) to spice up our sex life. I was excited and thought sure we can do this lets go all in and have some fun. After two successful meet and greets with another couple we were back on our own having more sex and intimacy than we have hand in a long time, (it worked). We were talking about our sexuality and fantasies like never before. Now fast forward and what started as trying to spice up our sex life has turned into me accepting what is an open marriage and is really only one sided. She wants me to go out and find what she is experiencing however really all I want is my wife back and out of it all. If I could go back to that day when she proposed to me spicing up our sex life I would agree to meeting others in the lifestyle but only same room fun soft swap and never any solo or alone time separate from one another. In the beginning it definitely made us excited and have more intimacy. However the ethically non-monogamous open relationship has broken me and our marriage is suffering. I think an open marriage is too soon and moving way to fast. Start with the LS (lifestyle) and going slow. Set boundaries and have fun together, (I stress together)! If you or one another feel uncomfortable speak up and take care of it right away. After experiencing the excitement and fun if it allows you to grow together and spice it back up in the bedroom then great. You have moved in the right direction. Then I recommend you talk about the next level of and open relationship if you still want and desire more. Make sure you both want that and have found partners on both sides. Make sure you define the open marriage if its only open and not a poly non-monogamous there is a difference. In my opinion Sex can be sex if you set boundaries and not allow feelings to interfere with the experience. Good luck I wish the best out of what you are going through. - Gabriel