What should I do if I think I Am Falling Out Of Love? Learn what it takes to stop Falling Out Of Love, feel in-love again and have a happy relationship.
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You fell in love with them once, but can you fall back in love with your partner again?
If you’ve been together a long time, then you and your partner have undoubtedly been through a number of ups and downs. Nothing is more difficult, however, than looking at your partner and feeling that you’re no longer in love.
It can leave you thinking the relationship is over and that it’s time to move on. And if you have a family and many years invested in each other, that thought can be devastating.
But can you really fall back in love with your partner and make things good again?
Falling back in love with your partner is possible, but it’s different than when you fell in love the first time.
If you don’t feel drawn to your partner and it feels like the “magic” is gone, there’s no secret potion or love-spell that will bring that back. It’s not that it can’t come back, but it will take more effort now than it did then.
And whether you can fall back in love with your current or an ex-partner will also depend on why things cooled off on the first place, along with the willingness of you both to bring the love back.
It’s important to understand that feeling “in-love” with someone isn’t always the same as loving someone.
There are many couples that feel like they love each other but aren’t in love with each other. Although some would say this is okay and just accept it, there are actually many dangers in doing this.
Falling in love with someone is an emotional high. You want to be with that person as much as possible, you feel attracted to them, they’re on your mind all the time, and you likely want to do things that make them happy.
You may even ignore other areas of your life just to have more time together.
This phase doesn’t last forever though and generally speaking, that’s okay. It allows your love to move into a more stable phase that serves as a basis for building a strong, healthy relationship and life together. This can still be part of being in-love though.
The danger comes when the person you love becomes more of a platonic partner that you feel affection for rather than the romantic partner that you’re in love with.
Losing that loving feeling (sorry Righteous Brothers) means there’s effectively a crack in your armor, and you are now more vulnerable to outside influences that can threaten your relationship.
People who don’t consider themselves in love with their partner are more prone to,
Clearly these things pose a threat to the relationship as a whole and everything it encompasses like family, children, home, and finances.
So, do you have to be “in-love” to be happy? No, not technically.
But will your relationship be happier, stronger, and healthier if you are? Absolutely.
That means that figuring out how to fall back in love is an important part of preserving your relationship and happiness.
Before you can fall back in love with someone you need to first figure out why you fell out of love.
This can happen for a wide variety of reasons, some valid and some just smoke from the fires that life can hand you. Regardless, perception is reality as they say, so if you don’t feel like you love your partner then there’s an issue that needs to be resolved before you can fall back in love.
To begin the process, start by reflecting on your relationship.
Then, with those things in mind, consider the current state of your relationship.
Now, ask yourself why you think you fell out of love.
See if any of the below sounds familiar.
This is a common one, and in response to it you need to ask yourself, are you the same person you used to be?
I can tell you now the answer is, no.
People grow and change. In order to maintain a strong relationship two people need to do this together and with respect for one another.
Falling in love with someone is the easy part. Staying in love and allowing that love to adapt as a person changes is the hard part. Most changes people go through are in response to life and maturing, and therefore can be understood. Even if it takes effort, those changes still allow for love.
If, however, your normally strait-laced husband decides to get a full back tattoo and multiple piercings, or your hard-working wife suddenly quits her job and joins a cult, there may be other problems like a midlife crisis or depression going on.
These problems don’t mean that you will stop loving them, but they certainly can mean that finding a way to fall back in love will be more challenging.
Also a common complaint among couples.
Sexual intimacy is an important component for a healthy and happy relationship. When you don’t feel attracted to your partner this can pose a big problem.
Physical changes are often the issue cited in this case, and this is true for both men and women. Second to this is attitude and self-confidence.
Although the lack of lust and desire can be hard to overcome, falling back in love isn’t entirely dependent upon physical attraction. And with effort to bring the love back it’s also possible to help and encourage your partner to get back to the best, healthiest, and most attractive version of themselves.
What many don’t recognize is that love is responsive to love. Many have fallen out of love with their partner because they feel their partner no longer loves them. This becomes a vicious cycle.
It’s not unusual for someone who feels that they need to fall back in love with their partner to be unable to pinpoint where things went wrong.
People who find themselves unable to articulate why they feel the way they do more than likely have their own issues they need to tackle that are affecting the love they have, or should have, for their partner.
If you can identify the problem, then there is a much greater chance you can fix it.
After going through this process, you should be better able to identify,
So, now that you’ve narrowed it down, can you really fall back in love?
The short answer is, yes.
Despite the song by the Searchers, there is no actual Love Potion #9. In order to fall back in love with someone it will require effort.
This is something that is often overlooked by couples. Many assume that if they fell in love once those feelings should never change or dull. So, when they find themselves not feeling the way they did at the beginning many jump to the conclusion they’re not in love and things are over.
This doesn’t have to be true.
Dr. Kurt answers this question quite often in his practice. Many couples struggle with these feeling and seek couples counseling as they look for the answer.
When asked about it he had this to say,
Everyone who's asking the question if you can fall back in love is looking for hope. Although most people are highly skeptical that it could really be possible in their situation. They usually believe if the answer is, yes, then that's for everyone else, but not me. The truth is that feelings change. Just like we develop loving feelings, and then lose them, we can develop them again too. Is it easy? No. Possible? Yes. You can fall back in love, but it almost always requires learning new ways to love and communicate with each other. There are also almost always a few underlying problems that must be addressed as well in order for the love to be able to come back."
If you want to fall back in love you’ll first need to become determined to try. This means taking time to do the things you once did when being in love was easy. Making a point to behave in loving ways can help to rekindle the feelings you once had.
There are also many other efforts that can help you fall back in love.
People can drift apart as life gets busy. When you lose the connection you have to your mate it’s much easier to forget how being in love feels. You fell in love with your partner and the person they are, so one way to bring those feelings back is to make a point to talk to each other and pay attention to one another. This is especially true if you feel your partner has changed. It could be that their views and thoughts are even more engaging than before and getting to know each other all over again can bring about a new closeness and allow you to fall back in love.
When you met you flirted with each other. You just did - it’s part of the dance that brings people into a romantic relationship. You probably had fun doing it too. Bring that back. Flirting is fun and breaks down walls. It also indicates desire, and everyone wants to be wanted.
Feeling appreciated by your partner helps create positive feelings of closeness. It can also build upon itself. The more appreciated you feel the more you want to do things your partner appreciates.
When you first fell in love there were likely places, things, or events that meant something to you and your partner. One way to remind yourself what it felt like when you were in love with your partner is to reenact those things again. Putting yourself back there again can help jump start those in love feelings.
There comes a point in a relationship when romance takes a back seat. Blame it on kids, jobs, the house, whatever - romance just fades. If you’re to fall back in love with someone it will mean finding that romance again. Know ahead of time, however, that it won’t be as easy or as comfortable as it once was, and that’s okay. It’s an important component of feeling in love, however.
This can be hard for some couples, especially if the intimacy has become minimal or nonexistent. It obviously also requires the buy-in and interest of both partners. Sexual intimacy, however, helps to reengage emotions. Being that close and vulnerable to your partner can help break down the walls and open your heart and mind to feeling that will allow you to fall back in love. Start slow, even just kissing can result in big changes.
Boredom is often mistaken for lack of love. To help you and your partner fall back in love it’s important to do things that stave off boredom, inspire interest, and keep your minds engaged.
One way to do this is to try new things together. This could be a new hobby, seeing something new, or going on a new adventure together. Sharing these new exciting things can help you feel closer and more bonded to each other.
All couples can benefit from counseling. Even the happy ones that feel like they’re head-over-heels in love.
If counseling can help happy, in-love couples, just think about what it can do for a couple who’s struggling. Sometimes it takes a professional specializing in relationships to help people remember how to communicate and express love for each other.
Whichever effort you choose to make, understand that it’s not going to be an overnight solution.
Your attempts to fall back in love with your partner may require more than a few approaches before they really take hold. And they may require a bit of finesse, especially if your partner has been feeling equally disengaged.
But falling back in love can be done.
Remember, falling in love should be fun. It’s exciting and makes us feel hopeful and inspired.
But it's also essential to set realistic expectations, understanding that nothing happens overnight, and patience and persistence are key.
Keep in mind that,
By following these steps couples can rekindle the passion and strengthen their emotional bond, leading to a more profound and fulfilling connection in their relationship.
You can fall back in love with your partner and experience these same feelings again. In fact, it can be even more fulfilling and rewarding than the first time.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 28, 2012, updated January 09, 2018, and October 3, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Hi, my wife of 10 years finally had the courage to say she has fallen out of love with me. It started to wane about 3 years ago. She blames it on my alcohol consumption, whilst its not out of control, it does affect her as she is a non drinker. She is adamant it's over. I'm now giving alcohol away and started going to the gym with her. We are now starting to talk - which we never did when we were happily married. Can I change her mind and get her to love me again? I really want to build our relationship again but feel it's too far gone...
Tommy, Yes, it's possible. I help people do that every day. Check out the video series I made on how to Get The Love Back. A link to it is at the top of this page. -Dr. Kurt
I have been wanting to get back with my ex over 10 years ago. I met up with him we kissed and made out. I thought we were going to get back together but he tells me he doesn't feel for me like that anymore he just wants to be my friend. I want him back so badly. Is there anyway of getting him back?
Hello, so there’s this guy named Charles who is my best friend and we known each other for 3 years. Since he first known me he always had feelings for me, except I didn’t at first and feelings grew over time. Even before we met each other he said he saw me in his dream. I as time passed on charles has done everything for me such as going places with me to protect and just because he wanted to be around me a lot and so did I, offering to picking things up for me, paying if I didn’t have enough, and taking care of me when I was in good health, sick, etc. just everything for me for the past 3 years. However, in the midst of that, I treated him poorly by lashing out on him at times if I was in a bad mood which would be more than once, and just being overall always moody. I wasn’t the cheerful positive woman he met in college for a long time, and I would always take things the wrong way when he would just try to help me or joke around with me and show me love, and care for me. I allowed my past hurt (who is my father, I never been shown real love or FELT real love from any male except charles 🙂 and basically lashed that pain out on charles way too often. In between all of this, I realized how much I grew to like and love charles and had feelings developed for him over time. I was just scared of being loved and how it would feel. ( one time, we were kind of intimate like holding each other close and I broke out crying almost involuntarily, because that’s how much love and care I literally felt coming from this man, charles). It was times I even felt I didn’t deserve to be loved and was still hurt over my dad and the way he treated me. So instead of letting it go, and embracing Charles’ love for me, I held on to the pain and continued with the poor treatment and sometimes didn’t realize it then! So then.. the summer comes after I graduated college and I find out that I want to be engaged to Charles because I realized why not take a chance with these feelings I have and I had times where I can’t see my life without him and I love him so much. ( he also met another woman around this time at his summer job and while she seemed like she was trying to spark up something, he was only friendly interested in her as a friend, so that’s another reason why.. it made me make my decision faster to become engaged to him. So soon after, he stopped talking to the girl and quickly cut her off and set boundaries out of respect for me and being engaged to me. He also gave me a clean slate and said let’s be engaged and start over. So I was happy and went with it! A few days later, I began to feel this intense anxiousness non stop cause I was like omg I’m about to be a married woman soon, whew! I was also feeling scared about it and just anxious all the time. So I called it off the first time. He respected it but was hurt and we had a big discussion, and it resulted in us getting engaged again that same night. Then a week or so later, that feeling of being so anxious came again plus the treatment from pain I was giving him, and I called it off again. At that point, we were just best friends but it was a gap between us only because of how I did everything and him. I felt so bad and depressed because of my choices, because it always felt like I wanna love him I really do, but I’m allowing this big brick of pain to hold me back. Recently, towards the end of October, I wanted longed to try again with Charles but he said he had to see changes in me first, so I actually finally started to slowly change the way I speak and react to him and things seemed like they started flowing again. So a week after that, November came and that’s when he went on the trip that he planned to go visit his father in Georgia to spent time with him again and then come back up to me by the end of that week. and my mom whom he lived with. So 2 days later of being there he started expressing that he felt more free to be there and like he had to walk on eggshells with me all the time, and that he didn’t want us to be together anymore, as well as making the decision of moving down there. I was devastated because before that point, my love had really grown even more for Charles but I messed up so much. So when he moved, he still surprisingly was communicating with me by texting. It was slow to start off, cause he was hurting, but then soon after, we began texting regularly again as the communication grew more. He began telling me he loved me again and vice versa. He expressed that the in love part with me is gone, although he said yet he still loves and cares for me very much. He knows it’s possible for his love to come back, but he doesn’t know when or if it will and he wants it to. So, he texts me from sun up to sun down everyday, without fail since he first moved, and recently he told me “ I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m making an effort to talk to you more again. Just cause I want to. And he says the anxiety that I caused him that made him literally shake went completely away, but the uncomfortable feeling of talking about relationships still comes up. At least for now I think. So he says that he is scared as well to make a move only because of my past indecisiveness in the summer and my treatment, but he just wants the old me back and to not feel controlled and one sided. I pray everyday that I get him back, because unfortunately it took him leaving to Georgia for me to wake up and realize how much I really always loved him so much, and want to be with him again and forever, but it’s looking okay but also uncertain so far. He still plans to come fly out to me so we can hang together, so I am hoping that that spark can come back from him about me. I also put in the inner work to change not for him only but for myself first cause I want to be better! I also improved my mom and i relationship and with my myself as well and I admit it feels real good! Charles also noticed my change and told me, “you’ve grown Rabiya☺️.” Of course I still cry about everything here and there but that’s the pain I caused from my actions so I’m just taking it all in. I don’t know, but it seems like there is still something left there although he says there’s little to no in love feelings left but do you think it might work out again between us? I’m actually formal this time and more stronger with my daily emotions as well as not allowing my past to dictate and damn near destroy my relationships! Part of letting go of that past pain is telling myself to let it go, genuinely praying for that person, forgiving, and affirming to myself that I deserve love and just cause someone treated me bad does not lessen my self worth or love for myself! So what do you analyze from this? Would I have another chance? Or is all hope lost?
Rabiya, I believe there's always hope. It's great to hear that you're making changes. I'd be careful to think you can do all the changing on your own though. The level of pain you're showing and abandonment you've experienced from your father typically requires some professional help to fully resolve. It goes deeper than you think. It would be the best thing you can do for yourself and to give your relationship the most possibility for a future. -Dr. Kurt