Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Contents
Things seemed fine, kind of boring and routine, but fine overall. Then he started acting strange. New clothes, new younger friends, working out a lot, and always irritable and aloof. One day, seemingly out of nowhere, he came home and said he was leaving. He needed something more and this life was no longer for him.
It’s like he’s wearing a sandwich board proclaiming - live midlife crisis, watch it here! And suddenly you’re alone, wondering if husbands ever really come back after a midlife crisis.
Does any of this sound familiar?
It’s a story told far too often. Men in midlife crisis suddenly feel the need to reinvent themselves and start their life over. There are several ways these situations can play out, but they almost all end with a wife left wondering if her husband will ever come back after his midlife crisis ends.
It’s a fair question after all and one that deserves an answer.
Unfortunately, it’s not a black and white situation so there’s no short answer.
There are a few questions, however, that when answered can help you determine which way the scale is tipping.
When asked this question the first answer that comes to mind for most women is, “I have no idea!”
We often hear wives say, “It came out of the blue,” or “Everything was fine and then he changed overnight.”
That’s not really the case though, is it?
Although a midlife crisis can catch a wife (or husband) off guard, there are almost always warning signs that it’s coming.
Typically, a midlife crisis occurs when a person can’t find happiness in their current circumstances. It doesn’t mean it’s not there, they’re just no longer able to see it.
There are some common triggers for this unhappy state.
Tragic events like the death of a loved one can be a catalyst for a midlife crisis in men. So can an illness in himself or someone of the same general age.
These events are jarring and force a man to look at his own life and mortality.
They also can make him wonder whether he’s lived the life he envisioned when he was younger. Or face the fact that his life is finite.
Knowing you haven't done all the things you once thought you would can push some people off the psychological deep end and be the start of a midlife crisis. In their minds the fact that certain dreams were never realized outweighs all the many other positive things in their lives and leads to feelings of unhappiness and failure.
In these cases, a man may focus on himself and finding ways to feel healthy, strong, and virile. He may distance himself from you, find new hobbies and friends, and become vain and self-absorbed.
But while he’s seeking the things he thinks will bring him happiness, he’s also running from himself, aging and his eventual death, not necessarily you.
It can be more likely in these scenarios that a husband will come back to his wife after his midlife crisis has passed. In fact, he may need your support to get through it, although he’s not likely to admit it or easily accept it.
For some men it’s the physical changes, such as changes in appearance, or the loss of strength that aging brings that can be the trigger.
In this case he may blame you for what he perceives as his downfall.
He may even blame you for your own natural changes and the fact that you don’t look 20 anymore either.
In other words, you remind him that he’s aging.
Of course, these things aren’t wholly true and it’s unfair for a husband to assign blame to his wife for his midlife crisis.
Unfortunately, however, in these situations men are more likely to engage in midlife crisis affairs or attempt to restart their lives in some way.
When a midlife crisis begins in this manner it’s possible for a man to return to his wife. However, he’ll likely have changed and done a great deal of damage to people in his life along the way.
Not all husbands facing a midlife crisis leave their marriage and home. Some live through their midlife crisis with their families as their interactive and affected audience.
But for the husbands that do leave during their midlife crisis, understanding the reasons they left is important.
A husband who leaves to get space or take on new experiences is different than the husband who leaves to move in with his new girlfriend.
In the first case he may actually be able to self-reflect and find some personal growth. In the other he’s trying to avoid and ignore the deeper issues that triggered his midlife crisis to begin with.
The midlife crisis husband who feels he needs to,
he might
Leaving may mean,
All this in the name of trying to find what’s “missing” in his life.
The husband who deals with his midlife crisis by having affairs is looking for people around him – namely women, often younger – to validate him and make him feel relevant and attractive.
These midlife crisis relationships rarely last and can actually do more damage to the man’s mental state than help.
In either circumstance a husband may want to return after his midlife crisis, but the husband running from his problems is going to have many more issues upon his return.
A husband going through a midlife crisis often uses a bulldozer to remove an anthill as his approach to handling things.
He becomes a self-centered, selfish person who’s willing to upend an entire life and family for his own personal satisfaction. Hence the term “crisis,” as most rational thinking people wouldn’t do this.
He can cause immeasurable damage to you and his family, and that pain doesn’t go away quickly or easily. Especially if the midlife crisis has gone on for a long time.
So, the third question for consideration is,
Do you really want your husband to come back after his midlife crisis?"
It may not seem like it when you’re feeling sad and helpless as he’s in the middle of his life crisis. But a wife who thinks she still wants her husband to come back after his midlife crisis ends should eventually have some influence on if and how that happens.
Remember that you’ll always be a part of his life and likely represent the happiest years that he’s had – even if he’s blind to that initially.
So, letting him know you’re willing to consider having him back can be like a lighthouse in a storm.
But do you want to be that lighthouse?
His rejection of your life together and desire for something different likely caused damage and pain that you’re still working through.
A midlife crisis changes a man, and it changes his partner too.
In fact, he may very well have made you feel like you’re the cause of all his problems, leaving you feeling responsible, insecure, sad, and lonely.
Rest assured, you’re not the cause of his midlife crisis, but your feelings about the fact that he’s made you feel this way should be sorted out before you make a decision about whether you want him to return.
Dr. Kurt has a lot of experience working with couples trying to reconcile when a husband decides to return after a midlife crisis. He has this advice to offer to wives trying to put things back together after their husband’s midlife crisis,
At the beginning of a midlife crisis most wives desperately want their husbands back. And as a result, they'll take them in whatever form they can get. Over time they usually become a little more selective. However, just because your husband wants to come back doesn't mean he should - at least without a plan. While his midlife crisis was all about him, the end of it should be about you and your kids as well. I always recommend a plan be developed and agreed upon before he comes back. Some key elements of this plan would be boundaries on behavior, changes in communication, repairing the damage that has been done, and how the problems that led to his crisis and leaving will be addressed. The goal shouldn't be just for your husband to come back. It should be for you both to change and make your relationship one where the response to a future crisis by either of you is not to leave the other.”
If and when a husband experiencing a midlife crisis comes back to his marriage, things shouldn’t just pick up where they left off.
The ordeal that you have both just experienced means things have changed and additional changes need to be made to your relationship.
There will have been a lot of emotional damage done to you, and very likely the family too, and challenges he’s still dealing with as well.
In fact, he may be experiencing midlife crisis depression and that’s not likely to abate on its own.
The best idea for you both is to seek couples counseling in order to help you find your new normal and rebuild the trust that’s likely been shredded. Without getting to the root of how you both got here and how you feel now, old problems can bubble up again and resentment can build, leaving you living in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship.
It should be noted that men are not the only ones who experience midlife crisis – women can have a midlife crisis as well. And while a midlife crisis for a woman can look a bit different, it can cause equally as much damage to her, her husband, and her family.
There’s no version of a midlife crisis that’s easy. No matter how it was triggered, the actions that ensue are very damaging.
If you’re a wife wondering if your husband will come back after a midlife crisis, remember:
So, if you’re a wife wondering if her husband will actually return after his midlife crisis, consider trying to find a way to focus on yourself, your healing, and your own personal growth in his absence. You don’t have to put your life on hold and allow your happiness to be dependent upon his return.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published January 24, 2021 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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I found your article enlightening. My husband of 21 years told me initially that he no longer loved me and was moving out. Turns out he was moving in with a woman he’d been having an affair with for a year and a half. They are engaged and planning to start a new family. My kids and I were left in a state of shock as he was always a very loving and attentive husband and father. We had no idea there were any issues going on but maybe under some signs now after reading your article. He had a major health scare not long before the affair and he also bought a shiny new sports car. I’m guessing since he’s engaged there’s no hope of him coming back to our family. I would like to know if you offer virtual family counseling to help my children and I with this transition. Thank you
Hi Staci, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Yes, we offer virtual counseling. And I work with partners in helping them with this transition all the time. I also have a video series that teaches you how to respond when your partner says the Love is Gone. The link is at the top of the page. -Dr. Kurt
My husband of 35 years left me one week before our anniversary. He kissed me goodbye in the morning and I came home to a note. Saying he needed to be alone. He will not tell anyone including our grown children where he is living. He won’t answer the phone or text now. He has not talked to any members of our family. This is so hurtful I feel paralysed. I thought I had the best husband and marriage until this past year. I thought he was going through depression from deaths in the family. Now I’m left alone in a home I can’t take care of alone. The worst part is the fact that he has not once asked if I’m doing ok. Everyone was so worried about him. I have no words only heartbreak.
My husband & I have been together 34 years, since I was 17 & he was 16. We married at 25 and had 2 beautiful daughters who are now adults. Over the years we’ve had communication issues, ups and downs. He’s avoidant; I’m anxious. Recent events exacerbated that and 9 weeks ago he left me suddenly. It was out of the blue; id made changes, eg giving up alcohol, working on myself etc but it all seemed too late. He said it wasn’t me or anyone else, he felt empty & needed to deal with some demons in his head, alone. I found out this morning he is seeing someone else. I’m heartbroken…I had been holding space for him. Is this a midlife crisis?
J, Sounds like it. Get some professional help so you can navigate effectively. -Dr. Kurt
As a 78 year old man who has done everything described and more, I can explain this from your husband’s perspective. He’s known for a long time that this marriage wouldn’t work out. You couldn’t see the signs, so stop blaming yourself. If he’s blaming you, it’s a sign of real weakness. You may be lonely and broken hearted. But no matter what, you need to have some self respect. Some of you may say “to hell with self respect, I’m heartbroken”. If he’s wanting to come back, it’s just because he got dumped by his girlfriend, or something else in his new life is not working out the way he hoped. He wants to come back because he’s scared. Men don’t like to be alone. He’s discovered it’s not as easy finding younger women as he thought. The one’s he’s finding all have problems. Once the sex gets stale, then he can’t talk to them, like he could talk to you. If you take him back, he’ll recovery from getting dumped, and start looking around again. He stays with you because you’re better than nothing. Is that what you want to be? Having self respect can hurt. My first wife left me for a coworker. We were young and I didn’t see it coming. It still hurts after nearly 60 years. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to find some excuse to contact her. I still think about it. But I never will. No matter how much it hurts. Now I’m in my final years. Time is short. I know she probably looks back on her youth and thinks about happy days. She wants to know if I still remember them. No one wants to be alone with their memories. I don’t care now how much it hurts. I’ve drug this anchor through my entire life. I’ll drag it into my grave. I’ll never forgive her for her betrayal. And I might add, she’s never asked for forgiveness. Here we are, two young lovers to proud to call the other.
Hey Tom, I've heard many, many similar stories about the pain still being there decades later. I know how hard it is to get past the pain, but it is doable. "I’ll drag it into my grave" and "too proud to call" are choices you can decide to change. Wishing better than that for you. -Dr. Kurt