Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
Part 2 of 2
Both men and women are susceptible to experiencing a midlife crisis. But would you know how to deal with a midlife crisis in a woman if you recognized it? As discussed in Part 1 of this series, What is a Midlife Crisis in a Woman, a midlife crisis can look different in women than it does in men. That means that the approach for handling things needs to be different as well.
In the previous article we discussed the two ways that a midlife crisis may be expressed in a woman. The “I’m not waiting anymore,” woman and the “where did my youth go,” woman. Because these behaviors, although both potentially destructive, are different how you deal with a midlife crisis in a woman needs to be different as well.
Most women are relationship driven. They want to feel connected to girlfriends, a romantic partner, children or family. These connections are, in part, how they define themselves. “I am Tommy’s mom, Rick’s wife, etc.” They certainly are not the only things that define her, but they play a big part. So when figuring out how to deal with a midlife crisis in a woman, it is important to know that she may start to re-evaluate these relationships and how she fits into them. This re-evaluation can then bring about changes in the way she relates to people in her life.
These changes can be difficult for those close to her. In the best case, the new hobbies and other positive things in which she engages will make her happier, more excited about life, and provide new things to talk about. Of course, this is only true if those around her are supportive and react well to the new version of the woman they know. At its worst, these new behaviors, especially the destructive ones, like the wives that cheat, can tear relationships apart.
Changes a woman experiences during a midlife crisis are selfish, and this new focus on self may feel to those around her as though it is exclusionary and leaves no room for them in her life. Indeed, given the right, unfortunate circumstances, it might not.
The short answer is, no, you can’t stop a midlife crisis, but you can intervene. When trying to deal with a midlife crisis in a woman know that it might be dangerous and self-destructive, or it might be a push toward things that are fulfilling and positive – but possibly in the extreme and to the detriment of relationships. Depending upon the scenario the intervention is different.
If you are being pushed out of your relationship and replaced by new hobbies and adventures, excluding you may not be the intent. It is possible her crisis is of the “I am not waiting any longer” nature. She may not even recognize that she is dealing with a midlife crisis herself. She may see herself as “reinventing” herself, or starting a “new chapter” in her life. In this case trying to participate in the new activities along with her could actually bring you closer.
If the woman you know seems to be trying to recapture her youth through risky or questionable behaviors, like text or on-line flirting, body-changing surgeries or sexual exploration that can lead some women to even begin watching porn, then you will have larger hurdles to jump. Nothing you can do will bring back the years, but you may be able to help her focus on all the achievements she has made and the good things her life has given her. Figuring out how to deal with a midlife crisis in a woman when it is of this nature can be far trickier. The important thing is to disrupt and change the destructive behaviors.
Either case can create a slippery slope toward depression. If she is exhibiting symptoms of depression, or you are not able to effectively communicate in either scenario, then professional counseling may be needed. She may be depressed and have no idea what to do.
In his practice Dr. Kurt deals with both men and women in midlife crisis. According to Dr. Kurt,
Being depressed is always a component of a midlife crisis for a women or a man. The feeling of dissatisfaction with life that triggers a MLC obviously has an unhappy theme to it. However, how depressed someone becomes will vary from person to person. It's important to understand that depression, although always present, is often masked by the acting out behavior that gets all of the attention.”
The incidences of midlife crisis in each gender are about the same, but the way the crisis manifests can be different. If you are asking yourself, “How do I deal with a midlife crisis in a woman?” understanding that a woman’s behaviors when she is going through this can differ from a man’s is important.
If you have someone in your life that seems to be experiencing this, communication will be the key. Remember, at the bottom of it all they are trying to cope with aging, something we all experience. Whether they are doing it effectively is another story. Support and caring will go a long way in helping to smooth their pathway and help to maintain the important relationships in their lives.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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This all hits me hard... My wife has been talking for some time about us moving out of state and purchasing our new home after my son (her stepson, who lives with us) turns eighteen. Lately, though, everything he and I do is a source of major aggravation for her. I see now that there has been an ongoing pattern of emotional, verbal, and on one occasion, physical abuse towards me. We separated for almost a year after she went to jail for hitting me, but we started going to marriage counseling in addition to her court-ordered therapy, and when we moved into a new place together again, it seemed for a long time that our relationship had become much stronger than it ever was before. Now that the emotional abuse has become much more frequent again, I realize that it never went fully away; it just lessened. She has started drinking again (we met in AA, so the foundation of our relationship was sobriety) and I suspect she may have used drugs as well, as that was a major part of her past - she claims she can drink casually now that the obsession for drugs has been lifted. We used to have great sex, but now she withholds it for weeks at a time, claiming that's all I want her for; occasionally she gives it to me and that's just how it feels: like she's disgusted with me and doing it to get me to leave her alone, and then disgusted with herself for it. About half the time I feel like she's looking at a rapist after we have sex. She says she can't put her life on hold anymore and wants out. That's what our marriage has become in her mind: her life on hold. I told her last night that I want to go back to marriage counseling and she shot that idea down cold, saying it was useless. She's been a little more cordial with me on the phone, but I imagine that's because she's too exhausted to start in on me after we were up fighting until almost 2am last night. I'm exhausted. So many nights of little to no sleep because she WON'T... LET... UP... won't let an issue go until tomorrow. And then blaming me the next day for why she's so tired. I'm starting to fear for my son's safety - he's seventeen, but small for his age, and she's a lot stronger than him. I managed to keep her from doing serious harm that time she attacked me, but it was really difficult - I'm 6'0 and weigh 240, but she was almost possessed of demonic strength that night. I can't afford our place on my own, or any place around here, so if we split up my son and I are living in my car. I can't do that to him. I've been divorced once before and it was the worst thing I've ever gone through. I don't think I can survive a second divorce. I miss the woman she was when we were dating, when she looked at me with adoration, love, affection, and desire. Hell, I miss the wife she was just two years ago, when I thought we had gone through the worst of things. I can't talk about a "midlife crisis" with her or declare her to be an "abuser"; those are liable to hit the nuclear button - and, ironically, prove my point. I just wish someone else could see how miserable she is without blaming me for all of it; I'm not without my faults but her family and friends only get her skewed side of the story. If they knew what I knew maybe they'd try to get her some real help... and I could have my loving wife back.