Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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I recently ran into Gina at a coffee shop. As I stopped to say hello I noticed she was crying. Of course, I immediately asked if she was okay and was shocked when she replied,
No. My husband wants a divorce, but I don’t. I don’t know what to do.”
I wasn’t expecting a response so personal. But when you’re in pain social convention often goes out the window.
We sat and talked and when she left she was deeply sad but felt stronger. When you’re saying, “My husband wants a divorce, but I don’t,” feeling stronger is a step in the right direction.
Gina isn’t the only woman who has faced this situation. Hearing from your husband that he wants a divorce is devastating, especially when you don’t feel the same way.
Even if your marriage is struggling, many women feel blindsided and find it hard to comprehend that divorce rather than saving the marriage is the option their husband would choose.
One of the biggest questions wives have when their husband says he wants a divorce is,
“Why?”
Why would he throw away years together, often a family, and the life that you built together?
The reasons for this can vary widely.
Often it’s because he’s fed up with the endless cycle of fighting the same fight with no resolution.
At some point, when you’ve been in the same rut and dealt with the same arguments for years with no change, it can seem like divorce is the only option.
“But wait,” you say. “I’ve dealt with it too and I don’t want a divorce – why does he?”
People can have very different perspectives and tolerances for things. If your husband wants a divorce and you don’t it may be that he’s reached his limit and doesn’t know what else to do.
Of course, that’s not the only reason husbands might want a divorce.
Many men experiencing midlife crisis decide that divorce is necessary for them to be happy. In an effort to recapture his youth or feel like he can move on to new adventures, a man may decide he needs to shed his old life and start fresh.
Midlife crisis divorces are also often accompanied by affairs. So, as painful as it is to consider, it’s also possible there is another woman, or the prospect of other women, involved in his decision.
It could also be that your marriage is creating a toxic, depressing environment and he’s tired of feeling
And if he’s feeling this way it’s likely you are too.
This is another area where personal tolerances can come into play. To determine this, ask yourself the following questions:
Without,
relationships can easily become stagnant and negative.
No one wants to look toward the future and see a life of endless negativity devoid of love and affection – including you.
If that’s what he sees for your future it’s possible he’s decided a divorce is what he wants, even if you don’t.
Okay, he’s told you he wants a divorce, and you know that’s not what you want. What should you do? And equally as important, what should you not do?
Let’s start with the don’ts.
So, if you shouldn’t cry, scream, accuse, or panic, what should you do when your husband wants a divorce, and you don’t?
The bottom line is that if your husband wants to get divorced, but you want to save the marriage you will need patience, time, and in all likelihood professional help.
The short answer is, yes.
Saving your marriage even after your husband’s asking for a divorce is possible but only if you address the underlying problems that got you here in the first place.
You don’t need to wait for him to change his mind about divorce before you begin this process, however.
Trying to change things for the better on your own can be very productive. But a marriage is a partnership, and its success or failure is determined by the actions of both partners, so eventually he will need to be part of the discussion.
If your husband won’t attend marriage counseling with you there’s still benefit in attending on your own. One-on-one counseling can provide you with tools to cope, address the areas within yourself that contributed to this, and better understand how to communicate with your husband.
Dr. Kurt works with individuals and couple’s weekly who have been contemplating divorce but are looking for ways to address their differences. According to him,
Asking a husband who wants a divorce to go to marriage counseling can oftentimes go nowhere. Even more than the typical guy's disinterest in counseling, talking about the marriage he wants to end is usually an even bigger turnoff. However, an alternative that often gets a more favorable response is to suggest Divorce Counseling. Now, while this may not be a topic you're interested in discussing, it will be for him – and that's the goal. Divorce counseling gives you an opportunity to work on communication, decision-making, and crucial topics like finances and kids. While these topics are part of the process of divorce, they're also necessary to discuss in order to fix a marriage. And being able to have productive conversation at this stage is the most important thing to focus on, regardless of the topic.”
If you’re in a similar situation to Gina’s and saying, “My husband wants a divorce, but I don’t,” know that there is hope.
But saving your marriage will take work and time.
Remember to stay calm and focused. You should also take time to consider your partner’s point of view and what changes you both can and should make.
No amount of pleading, promises to change, or second chances will fix the problems that brought you to this point. Once you address those, however, there is a real chance for things to get better and for you to avoid divorce altogether.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 21, 2022 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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That is all well and good advice but what do you do
when the husband can’t give the reasons why - when your dealing with lies cheating verbal abuse - abuse from third party involved- constant leaving and returning- they suggest counselling- you arrange because they initiated then they dont show up - is the wife is feeling all the unappreciated undervalued unloved during this period- well hell no - she’s gotta get on with it regardless and not show any normal emotional reactions to what is a completely painfull devastating disorientating experience with all the overwhelming financial pressures devastated and angry children as well as grandchildren- maintaining a job/career to remained housed deal with upset and angry family members - bewildered friends the lost is endless what do you think regardless of male female - a wife is a human being ! and even the most strongest have a capacity to being edged to have a mental breakdown - your advice is very biased in expecting the wife in this scenario to have to contend with it all suffering quietly- which is unhealthy to not express deep negative emotions and to further advise her to look at her contribution to the situation?? what not being a submissive doormat open to being further abused-
what a crock of —- bias unhelpful advice
Amanda, I'm not sure where in this article you read that you couldn't tell him how you feel. It doesn't say that, but it also doesn't recommend it as the first step. If your husband is half way out the door then expressing all of your "deep negative emotions" isn't going to make him want to stay. This article is recommending first steps to take to hopefully get him to reconsider his desire to divorce. If this can be accomplished then you can work to get to where you both are willing and capable of hearing the true emotions you each are experiencing. The timing of when you share deep feelings is crucial for their being heard and respected, which it sounds like what you truly want. -Dr. Kurt
My husband wants divorce after 28 years of being together. We have 2 boys but we live in two different countries. I love him so much and I am extremely devastated by this. The relationship started deteriorating 18 months ag. I still love him the same way I loved him 28 years ago. He is everything to me. I told him why I don’t want divorce and he said he would never do it if I don’t want it but he keeps saying that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. I think he is depressed of being alone for many years. We are in 2 different countries for the sake of the kids. He chose and decided this life but now he feels distant from us. I still have hope that this nightmare will be over one day. He does not want to get treatment for his depression or to do marriage counseling. He does not want me back to where he lives neither wants to join us here.
Is there any hope.
Thank you
Hi Hana, I believe there's always hope. If you want some direction and tools you can use, check out the video series I created. The link is in the header under 'Help Now.' -Dr. Kurt
Your comment is super relatable
I am exactly in the same situation except for the kids we only have one that is not an adult yet. I want the same thing and he lives in another place so it makes it difficult to communicate, while I text or try to call he doesn’t respond. He only responds the first day then after that he is silent, I look for his affection, I miss him terribly.
I think the biggest mistakes in marriage is when they have no communication.to harbee secrets,lies,use manipulation.no one is perfectly but a sense of accountability shows remorse ,a show of remorse signifies growth.
This blog provides valuable insights for those facing the difficult situation of a partner wanting a divorce. It prioritizes the importance of calm communication, self-reflection, and professional help in potentially saving a marriage.
My husband and have been married for 15 years together 19 we have 2 children together. There were no signs prior he just said we were both unhappy and our relationship has run its course. Wants to remain in the same home with kids because it's ours. He's gone on 2 vacations one to see his parents and now to his native country. There isn't anyone else from waht I xan tell. It's very confusing and heart shattering. Literally came from no where. Refuses counseling and still does things for me. Like my morning coffee, cleans snow off my car. We've been seperated 5 months and have had any sexual encounters in over a month. When we did it was amazing just like when we first met. But sex fixes nothing. I want my marriage but he has to want it too. He doesn't but for some reason feels obligated to care for me .
Married 4 months. Pregnant 3 months. First big fight post-marriage and I mentioned the D word and threw my ring. I later admitted how stupid and immature that was. And I even discovered I was pregnant THAT DAY. Hormones. Wow. But then my husband never let go of the idea and now we are nearing the end of the divorce papers (6-months post marriage) and I begged him not to do this. WHY WOULD HE DO THIS?! I am so hurt.
My heart goes out to Natalie. I very well know the feeling of throwing out the D word out of anger. I have done it and now my husband wants a divorce and has filed. I just want you to know that you're not the only person that has thrownthe D word and now regrets it. Hoping you're holding up. Prayers you way.
I got married in February and was informed that he wants a divorce but still live together and I pay rent and half utilities. Unfortunately, is was based on a fear that he has not based on facts but assumptions dealing with finances. He stated that he would be more comfortable with getting a divorce so we can have seperate finances. I just do not get it, I am very frugal, work hard and in most cases I find things to do or have fun at little cost. I asked several times to not go through with it, but he has met the lawyer and having the paperwork submitted. I am lost for words but I must move on and continue the journey alone.